bouquetsystem

[bouquetsystem]

i'm such a huge fucking fan of having and using magic requiring effort. whether mental, physical, or both. i'm so fond of magic systems that make you sweat, bleed, cry and get your hands dirty when you use them. i love it when powers are earned, not inherent, through years of study and/or exercizing them like a muscle. and i love it when a seemingly effortless display of power is terrifying because of this.

[bouquetsystem]

At this point I don't even know what's wrong with me. I'm just so fucking scared he'll ask why. Even tho I know he won't ask. But he said that he's still thinking about the punishment so there's definitely more coming...

So I just got beat by my dad for self harm.

I don't know why I'm upset but I'm really close to breaking down.

[bouquetsystem]

So I just got beat by my dad for self harm.

I don't know why I'm upset but I'm really close to breaking down.

[bouquetsystem]

The daily panic attacks are just draining all my energy. I'm not even sad anymore, I don't have the energy for it. I'm just... empty and tired.

[bouquetsystem]

was told to straighten my posture and align my heels. i now stand corrected

[bouquetsystem]

My girlfriend and I talk a lot about our different generations of queerness, because she was doing queer activism in the 1990s and I wasn’t.

And she’s supportive of my writing about queerness but also kind of bitter about how quickly her entire generation’s history has disappeared into a bland “AIDS was bad, gay marriage solved homophobia” narrative, and now we’re having to play catch-up to educate young LGBTQ+ people about queer history and queer theory. It gets pretty raw sometimes.

I mean, a large part of the reason TERFs have been good at educating the young and queer people haven’t is, in the 80s and 90s the leading lights of TERFdom got tenured university positions, and the leading lights of queerdom died of AIDS.

“Excuse us,” she said bitterly the other day, not at me but to me, “for not laying the groundwork for children we never thought we’d have in a future none of us thought we’d be alive for.”

[bouquetsystem]

Sucks that I miss him.

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If my brain makes me think about how nobody loves me and nobody ever will love me one more time I swear to fuck I'm going to lose it and start stabbing us in the thigh I need help.

[bouquetsystem]

I'm doing things that negatively trigger me

Because I don't want the others to see what a mess I am

[bouquetsystem]

And that was the day that I stopped fighting.

She knew me better than anyone and she told me I deserved it

A soft smile played on their lips...

And they reached out a hand to rest on her cheek

I love you, but I deserved this.

[bouquetsystem]

I'm just dizzy

And I just want someone to love.

[bouquetsystem]

I need to pull myself together.

I cannot be feeling this.

This is wrong.

I need to stop.

I am not allowed to feel this.

[bouquetsystem]

I'm only still clean so I can use it as proof when someone asks if I'm okay.

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I burnt my entire hand

One more person complains about the smell and I'm going to lose it

My hand is fucking sizzling and you're upset about the smell of my fucking burned flesh.

[bouquetsystem]

Sweety looking through you blog it looks like you could really use some therapy. It seems like you are carrying way too much weight on your shoulders, and you don't deserve to feel so unhappy with life! You could learn ways to manage your stress better, and get the self confidence you deserve to feel like you should beloved!

This is so sweet.

Also my last therapist said people like me should live in a clinic forever

So I am good thanks!

But genuinely thank you for the concern and like

If people do be relating. Listen to this person.

[bouquetsystem]

Existence is multiple and dissonant.

There isn't just one me. There are so many facets and contradictions.

And sometimes I want just one me. One euclidean sense of self, that looks the same from every angle in every situation.

But life is a paradox. And to be honest, if it weren't?

Just imagine how boring that would be.

[bouquetsystem]

I want to be able to leave and live my life.

But I'm so scared of my sisters forgetting me.

They are all I have...