boy-with-an-umbrella

[boy-with-an-umbrella]

My tumblr inbox has been broken/inaccessible for months now. Every time I click the messages tab it says "something went screwy" and doesn't load so that was the main reason I didn't orignally send a direct message and went with making a post instead but I'm sure the site will fix it eventually. And yes everything is permanently discarded and has been for quite some time now since we last spoke about it. There wasn't any reason for me to hold onto stuff and I respect your wishes and took it very seriously. Hopefully this brings you reassurance and I apologize for all of the stress. I hope the holidays have been well for you too

[boy-with-an-umbrella]

I'll delete my posts as well, it wasn't my intention to trigger anything negative. The end of the year is always a weird time for me so I end up coming back to this space to write/journal and check on things and tumblr was the way we'd communicate and I don't really use Instagram anymore other than to respond to friends and family. I took a big step away from social media last year but I know we'd mutually check our tumblrs occasionally since that's how we last spoke so I thought maybe responding in some way would be helpful but I'll refrain from it now since I don't think it's exactly appropriate anymore. Also I kept nothing from the relationship, I'm pretty sure we had that conversation sometime last year so everything's been gone for awhile. I didn't expect us to ever really talk again either and don't want to disrupt things anymore than I already have so I'll end my post here

[boy-with-an-umbrella]

Looking back now I wasn't in the best state of mind but that isn't a valid excuse and you're right. I didn’t understand what was going on or the context, the post of yours I saw before writing mine was you had mentioned you were dying and I didn't know the severity of that so it worried me but it didn't warrant such an odd post from me in return. Something I've come to realize is that the way I personally mend things in my own head isn't always the way others do so I shouldn't have said all of that and I want to reclarify that it was retrospective journaling that's usually done privately and I genuinely did not mean to cause any harm. I just hope you're doing ok

[boy-with-an-umbrella]

I thought I'd swing by here to post a bit of a life update since the last one was negative. Today was the first Friday that has felt good in honestly months. I was able to buy furniture for my family and it was delivered earlier today. I was even able to tip the delivery guys which felt nice to do. My mom and sister absolutely love the couches. I ended up using my entire stimulus on everything but it felt good to give back to my mom and the house after years and years of her financial support. Even though it hasn't even been a full day, these will be some fond memories to look back at because everything has fallen apart since October and things at home haven't been the best. But I'm back on Sertraline so I feel like I'm back in control. The withdrawals really sucked and I'm still recovering but for once, things feel ok. I feel safe. Maybe I'll read a comic outside while the sun is still out to close the evening. Here's to hoping I get more days like this. Things are still worth fighting for. Don't give up berto

[boy-with-an-umbrella]

One day I'll eventually stop using Tumblr as a journal/oversharing but there's just a bit I want to express before taking a break. There's a lot going on in my life at the moment and it's starting to get bad again. This snowy Texas weather is hitting harder than expected. We've had power periodically throughout the week and our pipes have been frozen for the past 4 days and we haven't been able to leave the house for groceries for various reasonings on top of the weather. Things are just very stressful right now and I have a tendency to use social media as a distraction but my internet presence also causes me a lot of personal anxiety. After taking a break from being online late last year, I try not to be so reliant on social media. I'd like to have my life not so online orientated and be able to focus on things physically in my life. I'm in a bad place over all right now, and I'm eventually going to run out of my meds and I'm not looking forward to that and the roads aren't too safe to drive on so it'll be some time until I'm balanced out. I'm gonna take a break from posting/updates. Hopefully I'll be able to come back when things are a little easier to cope with. I really need to focus on my issues at home for a bit and be there with my family. Until then, please take care everyone. And thank you

[boy-with-an-umbrella]

you weren’t a foolish or undeserving kid for not standing up for yourself to your abusers or bullies. you shouldn’t have had to. you deserved to grow up in a safe environment, you deserved a loving family and fun friends. forgive yourself for not having the experiences and tools you have today, and start seeing the younger you as the child you were. you were always good enough.

[boy-with-an-umbrella]

[boy-with-an-umbrella]

[boy-with-an-umbrella]

Tested positive for covid earlier this week and it's been quite literally the worst experience ever so far health wise. I haven't felt this ill and delirious since I had bronchitis back in 2017. Being secluded/tucked away in my room alone most certainly isn't good for my mental health and reverts me back to the same mindset being on my own in Mexico growing up. The past few months have been more than I could have possibly anticipated. I probably won't even remember typing all of this when I wake up tomorrow because my mind has been in a haze all week long. Things are feeling a little hopeless over all at the moment but once my health improves I really hope I can get back on track. It feels like I'm constantly losing time. If I could title this experience something I would call it "humidifier and hallucinations". I swear I'm losing my mind. I just want to be okay. I need to be okay

[boy-with-an-umbrella]

Love having a 103° F fever for the past few days and not being able to go get a covid test because someone got your car in an accident so you have no means of transportation and you have to self quarantine until further notice so you can't ask anyone for a ride, bleh. I feel like sleeping all weekend long

[boy-with-an-umbrella]

Did my first fox shrine earlier today! Man this game is beautiful

[boy-with-an-umbrella]

I know I'll be around for at least another 60 years or so and there's more than enough time to make things better but I truly hope I leave more than I took from this world. It'd be nice to be a star in the sky and not a black hole. It's a new year but sometimes I still get stuck in the past. Even when things aren't so great, I'm grateful I'm alive. I looked at the sky tonight and was comforted by the fact that it'll always look that pretty no matter what happens. Just thought that was kinda nice. | 1:36 am

[boy-with-an-umbrella]

It feels like I'm having to relearn every healthy coping mechanism I learned over the summer again. It feels like I have an entirely new set of anxieties and worries to worry about and process. Therapy went fine but I went into for the first time feeling bleak. I miss my dad. I miss making us coffee before work. I miss how he'd react to a good movie after we'd finish it. Or how he knew literally everything there was to know about all things related to life. I didn't start taking his life advice until just a few years ago. I wish I had absorbed it all. Sometimes I wonder if life is just one big bear trap and our entire lives we spend it trying to pry those jaws off our legs. My dad may have had the biggest trap on his leg his entire life but I like to think he ended up living a fruitful one. I feel honored to carry on his memory but I can't help but fall short of his achievements. I hope to be better and know better. I'm sorry I argued with you so much, and I'm sorry we had so many issues growing up. I still feel extremely confused even though it's already almost been 3 months. I don't want my life to end on such an abrupt note and I know there's still so much for me to still fix and work on. Here's to hoping 2021 won't be like the last. I know I hardly vent on here but I wanted to throw some of my feelings into oblivion so I apologize for such a depressing post. - I took this photo back in October around the time everything happened I think. It was the first time seeing Autumn colors since I was 12. It was really pretty. I'm glad I got to see it. | 1:21 PM, Jan 07

[boy-with-an-umbrella]

My sleep schedule is super wonky at the moment (insomnia is fun) so I usually spend the night making myself in various avatar thingies that never have facial hair choices so I have to draw it on myself

Also therapy for the first time this year and post-Mexico. Nervous but hopeful for once

[boy-with-an-umbrella]

Going through my many, many drafts on Tumblr and I found this relic of a song holy shit I have not listened to Joji in almost a year. I don’t know why it was in my drafts but it was a pleasant song accompanied by memories of a different life. I’m feeling incredibly motivated today I think I’m actually enjoying the day, lol.

[boy-with-an-umbrella]

Haven't had the time to long on here and make any journal posts as of late but I think we all can agree 2020 was a year of trial and tribulation but I believe it was also benediction in a lot of ways. A lot has happened in the past 12 months but we have today and beyond to look towards. Wishing everyone the best of health and happiness, that's all I could ever ask for. I'm truly grateful I am here and still have the opportunity to grow more. Life now is so different compared to the beginning of 2020, I am proud of everyone who has made it this far, it certainly hasn't been easy. Te quiero papá and happy new year's. I truly wish everyone a wonderful 2021. | From 5:34 am

Here's grogu during a power outage from last night

[boy-with-an-umbrella]

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