boysonfjilm - Tumblr blog

[boysonfjilm]

freddy carter is playing kaz’s trauma with his whole kazussy

[boysonfjilm]

What Does Kaz Brekker do when you cry?

If it’s because you’re injured:

Kaz struggles to comfort because he doesn’t know what it’s like to feel comforted and therefore is terribly inexperienced at giving it.

Especially when you are in pain. What is he to do? What is he to say?

Well, he knows when you get mad about things you either like to brood by yourself or you come sit in his office and rant. Why is it that you come to his office?

Is it because everyone else is somehow busier than he is and can’t be bothered to listen to you? That idea upsets him because he knows his crows and he know they’d never do that to you and live to see another day.

Could it possibly be the proximity to him? Does his presence help you sort things out?

That sounds good. So he pulls up a chair and sits at your bedside if only to be near you. This seems to work a little.

As Nina works on cleaning a cut, you’re struggling to bite back whimpers and groans. He can clearly read the pain in your eyes and the set of your jaw.

Later, when it’s just you and him, he reads quietly as you nap. He’s slouched in the chair, one hand prodding his temple. Then you stir.

You seem to gasp a bit, and then you’re crying. Why are you crying? You clutch at your side where the wound is. And then it clicks. You need some pain medication.

Kaz administers it himself, making sure to give you the proper dosage. He can’t really touch you, but you may feel the drag of the leather tips of his gloves along your cheek as he ticks away strands of hair.

Injuries are difficult because he cannot remove the pain with just his words. It isn’t something you can talk through but rather something a hug and a kiss might help which he can’t give you.

If it’s because he’s upset you:

Apologies are rough for this man. I picture two instances: when he finds you crying, and when you cry in front of him.

Say you have an argument and Kaz says some very unkind things in the Dirtyhands fashion.

If you simply exit his office and leave him to consider his outburst, Kaz feels himself wither. He knows you are now very mad. He’s experienced with people being angry with him, they usually want to kill him and maybe you do which poses many problems for him. But he doesn’t know how to quell anger.

So he sits and schemes for an excruciatingly long time. Too long.

Because when he finally figures something out and leaves his office to attend to you, you’re crying. And he has to redo all his plans.

When you turn to him with watery eyes he just can’t—WHAT IS HE SUPPOSED TO DO!?!!!

It’s awkward because the two of you just stand there looking at each other.

Kaz tries to speak. He really does. But he’s no good at this. So he comes to another set of decisions. Pull himself together enough to give physical comfort or suck up his pride and apologize.

He musters up some courage and peace of mind, and steps closer. His gloved hands cup your cheeks and he thumbs away a few tears. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs, “Didn’t mean to make you so upset.”

Now if you start crying in his office, Kaz just wants to bury himself six feet under. Talk about instant regret. He goes pale as an icicle and starts to sweat.

He slaps himself internally and finds his way out of his desk chair and in front of you. His hands are on your shoulders and he’s budding you look at him. This actually goes a little better than the other instance because he has to work on the fly and doesn’t have time to over complicate things.

He just wants you to stop crying because he hates the idea that he’s made you upset enough to cry.

When he finally chokes out an apology it sounds half-assed but I’m actuality it’s the best he can do because he’s panicking and doesn’t know what to do about anything.

Miscellaneous:

Regardless of the reason that you’re crying, the outcome is the same. You’re met with an awkward and unsure Kaz Brekker.

In his heart he knows that he’s not doing this right and that he’s not comforting you how he should be. But there’s the small matter of his touching issue and his inexperience.

Kaz has never been face to face with difficulties regarding his weakness as often as he has been with you. He wants to do the things that normal people do but alas, he’s not normal.

So while you’re upset, know that he really does care and that he’s trying his best. Kaz would do anything for you within the proper time frame. He will find a way to make things better for you regardless of the situation.

Side Note:

I imagine that Kaz has made himself cry because he made you cry. He just feels so terribly awful about the whole experience and worries that he hasn’t helped.

He’s so overcome that when he catches a moment by himself, he might shed a few tears out of fear and shame.

[boysonfjilm]

[boysonfjilm]

My autistic brother created a new family Christmas tradition

Okay, so last year, my mom bought this Christmas moose that she lovingly named Barry

This is him

Cute, right?

Well, for whatever reason only known to my brother, he decided that he wanted to put Barry in different rooms of our house and it usually scares the shit out of whomever happens upon Barry; usually the person who finds him is the person that my brother wanted to scare.

So far, Barry has been found

On our dining room table

On my dad's side of my parents' bed

In my parents' closet

Outside their bedroom door (at 5 in the morning and scared my mother shitless)

Near the kitchen door

Near my fucking bed

At the bottom of my sister's stairwell

In our bathroom

And down the hallway

This has gone on for 9 days and it doesn't seem to show signs of stopping. Most of the time we know who gets Barry because it's always followed with a very loud "FUCKING BARRY!!!!!"

My brother is the funniest fucking person I know.

[boysonfjilm]

#I was dancing in the lesbian bar

I love u narrative songs 💖💖💖

[boysonfjilm]

weirdly specific and unrelated asks to know someone well:

chipotle order?

thoughts on veganism?

a specific color that gives you the ick?

mythical creature you think/believe is real?

favorite form of potato?

do you use a watch?

what animal do you look forward to seeing when you visit an aquarium?

do you change into specific clothes for the house when you get home?

do you have a skincare routine (and how many steps is it)?

on a plane, do you ask for apple or orange juice?

anything from your childhood you’ve held on to?

brand of haircare/bodycare/skincare that you trust 100%?

first thing you’re doing in the purge?

do you think you’re dehydrated?

rank the methods of death: freezing, burning, drowning

thoughts on mint chocolate chip?

an anxious compulsion you do everyday?

your boba/tea order?

the veggie you dislike the most?

favorite disney princess movie?

a number that weirds you out?

do you have an emotional support water bottle?

do you wear jewelry?

which do you find yourself using, american or british english?

would you say you have good taste in music?

how’s your spice tolerance?

what’s your favorite or go-to outfit?

last meal on earth?

preferred pasta noodle?

ask me anything !

leave an ask for the person you reblog it from!

[boysonfjilm]

Everybody knows by now I think that harrow’s name comes from the (early) Christian concept of the harrowing of hell.

To summarize briefly, in Christian mythology, when Jesus died on the cross, he descended into the underworld for the three days that he stayed dead. I say the underworld—the word they use is Hades, not Hell, although some translations use the word hell. This pre-dates the Christian conceptions of hell that we are more familiar with—fire and brimstone and punishment etc—and reflects the idea that it was more of a neutral place where everyone went when they died, stemming from other traditions like the Greco Roman hades (obviously, which it took the word from) or the Jewish Sheol. The harrowing of hell refers to what Jesus does when he gets to this place. He descends and he kills death itself (using the cross as a weapon)—the death of death—and he leads ALL of the dead people there up out of the mouth of hades. He frees them from the shackles of death. This is all laid out in the early apocryphal text the gospel according to nicodemus. You should read it it’s fun.

When I say mouth, I mean that literally. In art and literature, even in the gospel of nicodemus, hades was characterized as an actual living creature, and in the harrowing, Jesus kills it and leads the souls out of its gaping mouth. This has lead to some frankly excellent art:

Okay, back to the locked tomb. Why am I bringing this up (other than the fact that I partially wrote my thesis in this so I will talk about it whenever possible)? Well, we know harrow’s name is… significant. We also know that in Alecto, she will find herself in hell. Okay. Where do we see ^ this imagery pop up in the universe of the locked tomb? What place does John call hell? The Soma, under the river. Soma, which means body in Greek. The body that houses the dead in its belly, the body of hades, the living body of hell. And we’ve seen it’s mouth already, a gaping mouth lined with teeth.

EDIT: it was pointed out it’s called the stoma not the soma, but. Stoma means fucking mouth in Greek so…. The point stands. The point very much stands.

Like.. mouth indeed.

I think harrow is gonna go into the stoma. I think harrow is going to kill death—or maybe, in a delicious inversion the likes of which Tamsyn Muir loves so much, she is going to kill necromancy. The death of the death of death. And she’s going to lead out the souls in there. All the people—Augustine? Cassiopea?—and all the fucking planets too.

Idk we’ll fucking see.

[boysonfjilm]

Wherever she is, is where I’ll go

[boysonfjilm]

our ninth kids

[boysonfjilm]

Chewing on my furniture

[boysonfjilm]

Never would have imagined crying lush tears at the description of a tough chick with 5 o'clock shadow buying a 69¢ mustache rides 👕 for her kid

[boysonfjilm]

Harrowhark my love, I'm suspecting this particular auditory hallucination does not actually originate from you.

Damn, but the way Wake's trauma suffuses Harrow's bubble of Canaan House is horribly frighteningly intimate.

[boysonfjilm]

“That’s where my heart used to be.”

[boysonfjilm]

I've seen a lot of people quoting this interview where Tamsyn Muir says that Harrow said "rustle your jimmies" in the first draft of GtN but I feel like this is kind of burying the lede of her describing the inside of Gideon's brain as the classic viral youtube video "Catch The Ice Dude"

[boysonfjilm]

tfw you have to care for a teenage girl who was born six months ago and doesn't know who she is

commissions info

[boysonfjilm]

abigail pent had to go because if she'd been alive and known about john there's nothing he could have done to stop her from beating his ass

[boysonfjilm]

beloved!!

[id: a digital portrait of Nona the Ninth. she's a young Maori woman with two braids and golden eyes. behind her there's a blue sphere on a purple sky. she's surrounded by green cloud-like shapes. she's wearing a blue t-shirt that says Therapy isn't enough, I need to fight god. /end id]