braindumpz16 - Tumblr blog

[braindumpz16]

Hey.

Hi.

Denkst du manchmal noch an mich?

Manchmal. Früher mehr als heute. Hin und wieder mal wenn ich an nem üblen Punkt ankomme.

Wie.

Wie?

Wie denkst du an mich?

Selten über die guten Momente. So gut wie garnicht wie wir auseinander gingen. Am meisten denke ich über die was wäre wenns. Immer von dem heutigen Standpunkt aus.

Was wäre wenns? Mehrere?

Yeah. Wir finden nie wieder

zusammen. Kein einziges Mal kam das in Frage. Schade eigentlich, dass so ein was wäre wenn eigentlich das schönste wäre. Am meisten sind es Situationen. Wie und wo und wann. Ob im Alltag in der Bahn oder vielleicht auch seltene Fälle im Krankenhaus. Meistens bin ich die die am meisten redet. Wo ich meine Gefühle über dein Verhalten an dich auskotze. Ich kann mich nur an ein einziges Mal erinnern, wo du dich in meinen was wäre wenn entschuldigt hast. Seltsam das mein kopf meint, dass du das nicht könntest. Am meisten ist es aber totenstille. Ich habe meinen Teil gesagt, konnte meine Gefühle rauslassen und das wars. Keine Entschuldigung, keine Fortsetzung. Einfach nur ein realer Cliffhanger. Manchmal frage ich mich, was wäre wenn ich zuerst schreibe. Und alle was wäre wenns in Realität umwandeln würde. Was wäre das schlimmste was passieren könnte? Wir landen wieder bei Status quo? So wie wir jetzt sind und nicht miteinander reden weil du beleidigt bist oder ich beleidigt bin? Ich glaube das schlimmste was sein könnte ist, dass etwas schlimmeres hätte sein können. Etwas was selbst mein Kopf sich nicht vorstellen wollte oder sogar konnte. Vielleicht ignorieren wir uns deshalb. Tuen so als wäre es freiwillig nicht zu schreiben obwohl wir grade in nem schlimmen Moment sind und ausnahmsweise uns erlauben an den anderen zudenken.

Oder vielleicht bin auch nur ich das.

Vielleicht denke nur ich so.

[braindumpz16]

I sleep.

Sometimes not enough really.

You should sleep 8 hours everyday to rest your body and mind.

To get your energy back for the next day.

To calm down and relax.

I sleep.

Not enough really.

I don't sleep for 8 hours.

More like 4 or 5 on a good day.

My body is tired.

My mind is awake.

Now everything is silent.

Just like it should when you go to sleep.

Because what if you listen to something on your phone and your mind becomes accustomed to it and won't recognize the difference between

Birdcall

And

Ocean waves

I sleep

Sometimes way too long.

10 or 12 hours usually.

But those days are rare.

I don't like them.

When I wake up I'm groggy.

I don't function well.

Why do I need to function on a day I can sleep in for 10 or 12 hours?

I sleep.

Is this self sabotage?

I know I need to wake up early tomorrow.

Why am I still awake?

I sleep.

I don't want to sleep.

I'm not tired.

My brain is not tired and it won't let me sleep.

I sleep.

I want to sleep.

I don't want to think today.

I'm tired of thinking.

[braindumpz16]

Do you know this feeling?

You're driving to work or home or you're on your way for grocery shopping or just going to some place. It's your daily routine. Nothing out of the ordinary. You're listening to music or play with your phone or just watch mindlessly around.

And suddenly there is this feeling in your chest.

Its aching and pulling and it doesn't hurt but it

aches

You don't know why.

Nothing is out of the ordinary.

You're not ill.

You look around but there's nothing out of the fucking ordinary.

You look outside and the sky is blue.

The sun is shining.

You look outside and the sun is setting and the sky is in all shades of blue and orange and pink. There is nothing out of the ordinary but you're chest hurts so much without reason. You look around. Just normal people. Normal strangers. You don't know them. They don't feel this pulling in their chests. The train continues on it's way and suddenly the ache in your chest is nothing more than a dull throbbing.

The train continues on it's way and the pulling stops.

The ache is gone.

You look around.

Same strangers.

They don't feel it.

You look outside the window.

The sky is still in the same colors then before. You don't know what happened. What was that ache. Like someone else was pulling at your heart. Like your heart wanted to tell you something. Something so important it felt like you were dying. What was that place.

Who was that person.

What did your heart try to tell you.

The train continues driving its way and the ache is gone.

That moment is gone.

It's too late to go back.

You miss that feeling.

That beautiful painful ache in your chest.

Maybe you should have listened.

You look around.

Strangers sitting next to you.

You look outside.

The sky is beautiful today.

Who was pulling at your heartstrings?

[braindumpz16]

Watching people you love turn their back on you?

I dunno.

When people are leaving and you can do nothing but watch helplessly. When it's out of your hand.

It happens and it will continue happening. People come and go and you're helpless. And you can never let it go.

This feeling.

It won't leave.

One day you'll be incredibly happy.

An amazing day and you'll laugh and suddenly you remember them and everything hurts.

It physically hurts.

Your heart will shrink and your lungs can't get enough air in them.

You remember the good times and the laughs and it hurts so much.

And it will never stop.

This lost feeling to remember such an amazing friend and then watch them leave and it's out of your control.

You can't do shit but watch them leave.

You'll try to remember when everything went to shit.

Was it really out of my hand?

Was it destined to happen?

When haven things started to be different? Could I have done anything?

Was it my fault?

You will fantasise and think of ways it could have been different. If you had one chance what would you have done?

Grovel at their feet?

Begging for forgiveness?

For a second chance?

Please don't go out again drinking again till you're unconscious?

Or would you yell?

Tell them it's not your fault that this is happening.

You did nothing wrong.

You didnt change like they did.

That you tried and they still turned around and left. So many scenarios and you will think of every one of them. But it will lead to nothing.

They left.

And you're out of control.

Left floundering.

Floating in nothingness and so so sad about this.

No say in this matter.

Or maybe you did.

Who knows.

You don't talk to each other anymore.

You're strangers now even though it feels like you talked about your biggest fears and dreams the night before. You are strangers now. There's such a deep cliff between you now.

And it will never leave.

It will follow you forever.

The amazing memories and the feeling of incredible pain with them.

But that's ok.

It's probably your fault anyway.