brainfunnel-blog - Tumblr blog

[brainfunnel-blog]

i have a lot in common with

this sky.

she’s always changing

taking on different roles to 

please.

she gives herself life...unapologetic.

she’s also unafraid

so we’re different.

[brainfunnel-blog]

a little bit of silence sometimes is all you need. <<a subtle reminder>> that not all things last a lifetime. not the noise or the chaos or a badly written hymn. music is a beautifully wrapped gift. silence is a resonating power necessary to befriend. to help our difficult moments. somewhat easier and more quiet. less chaos. no noise. a little bit of silence.

[brainfunnel-blog]

so sleepy.

and i want to creep my way

out of this window

slowly sneak, kind of creep

my way into the sky.

carefully, carried by air.

it makes me laugh

because no one will notice im

gone.

it sounds outrageous!!

to let go for a time

just me and you

the air and me.

then ill close my eyes momentarily

to acknowledge that im not asleep.

just happy.

lying way up there, you and me.

cradled by a breeze.

kissed by sunshine.

tastes so warm

and when its time to go back

ill be cautious.

slowly sneak, kind of slip

my way back through the cracks.

buzzed by the love that air has given me.

dizzy.

drunk.

<<and so sleepy>>

[brainfunnel-blog]

<<i love dark chocolate!>>

it melts my heart like it melts

in my mouth. sweet. guilt.

[brainfunnel-blog]

I daydream about sitting in the window sill next to me. Its only on the second floor. Touching the tree right outside instead of the plastic keyboard in front of me. Hearing birds instead of the weather channel. Dangling my legs next to the brick below. Looking so high up i see nothing but blue. Its only on the second floor. 

Maybe ill think about jumping.

Then maybe ill go for a walk.

[brainfunnel-blog]

I often think about

a boy telling me

that driving a car is like watching the world

through a television.

But when riding a bike there is no screen

[brainfunnel-blog]

Exchange the comparison

of yourself to someone

around you for the acknowledgement

of your own currency

[brainfunnel-blog]

<<I am proud of you>>

For knowing what you are capable of

and for knowing what is good for you.

For taking small steps

to regain your peace.

For doing what makes you happy.

For gaining confidence.

For appreciating yourself more often.

You’re doing so good.

Getting good at redirecting negative thoughts.

Staying calm.

Your heart and your mind are getting stronger.

Thank you for giving yourself a break.

[brainfunnel-blog]

Thinking the thoughts of the most complex type. So quick and effortless im thinking of how small we are and how big the waves of our heartbeats are. How small they look on paper but how big they are in life. Our heartbeats are a small fingerprint on a window. A fraction of a child’s. And our heartbeats are a fraction of the complexity life brings to the table. Life starts with basics. Our bodies, our cells, our individuality, and it builds a story~ one we cant predict or forget. It provides us time, something we can see and feel but cant touch. And with that we are given choices; to seek life or become a prisoner of time. We feel like we have eternity before us until we dont. We make choices with good intentions and are capable of remembering them but we cant touch them either. Memories are time, choices are time, and what you choose to do with those memories <the old ones> are choices that determine the new ones. Your choices, your time, your story.

[brainfunnel-blog]

i met this girl who binged on life.

she was broken hearted, had separated parents, never thought twice.

every day started with a dark cup of potential.

every night ended with excitement for tomorrow.

she looked good

she talked good

she chose good

and she was good.

she talked happy

she looked happy

she felt happy

she was happy.

because she chose happy.

[brainfunnel-blog]

<<anxiety>>

calm and slow but rushing. i can hear it but only because i dont have a choice. a pit of writhing sensations in my stomach now. emotions i dont want to possess right now. beating the light out of me now. each strike taking away a bit of positivity i worked so hard for. somehow voluntarily, a few. and i realize just how important balance is. and i realize i have regrets. without it i am miserable. with no self control. no head resting peacefully between my shoulders. my mouth becomes ugly. my eyes tipping forward, spilling endless amounts of envy. my mind begging for closure. pleading for one moment.

[brainfunnel-blog]

<<I can’t seem to find it>>

her careless expression is glued to the dark side of my eyelids.

i thought saying it out loud might have been all she needed to hear.

it wasnt.

i cant spell what im missing.

i feel its absence. but i dont fear it.

because i am 20 years old and feel alive at least.

but its not with me.

i lack this thing. but i dont ever panic.

she knows where to find it.

a sort of secret that sometimes youll see

hidden in the lines of her smile.

but be careful not to envy, its obvious.

i feel so great

but greatness also awaits me i know.

my other brain

my other body or something.

she rinses herself with it every morning

but she always asks me to wait outside the 

fucking door

while she indulges in it

whatever it is.

she glows with MY potential. but she lacks my presence.

i want to feel that buzz from knowing.

but we dont ever know

know that

she says.

sometimes i want to hurt her.

but we arent completely disconnected.

her veins are mine too.

be calm be still be proud be good to yourself.

it will come.

whatever it is.

she lies.

fullfillment.

it will all make sense.

one day she vowed to share her knowledge.

one day she sealed that promise with a 

long

dry 

kiss.

i remember.

you will know, you will be comforted, you might be confused

but you will see it

whatever it is.

[brainfunnel-blog]

4/13/18 Not too long ago I was seeing a really wonderful counselor every other week. Previously, counseling was something I went to when I had a mental breakdown. On my 22nd birthday, I walked myself into a counseling center, cried on the floor for an hour, got convinced to quit my job and move home to Nashville, and never went back a second time. Quick $100 trip...  But with my recent counseling, I learned that some psychological professionals are really awesome. Usually, I go in and vent/cry, and whenever the counselor hears the word “divorce,” its like their job is done. To them, I just need to realize that all my problems stem from how upsetting my parent’s divorce was, then ill be magically healed. It’s unfulfilling.

It took my most recent counselor about three sessions to make a little bit of sense out of what I’d been telling her. I’ve been thinking about this part often. So I want to elaborate. It was one of those instances where we were able to uncover something significant together, but of course I never did anything with it. I was telling her how I am unable to express myself. I don’t know how. I am unsure of what I like, I haven’t found things that are like BINGO: this makes me happy, this makes me feel good, I’m going to own this. I want people to think of me and automatically be reminded of something.The most I’ve gotten my whole life is that I’m nice or sweet. I told her that I crave a passion for something, firm beliefs, values. I want to know who I am and I want to be proud. I want to be able to define myself.

She asked me when this feeling started. I tried to remember a time in my life when I was able to do/have this and I couldn't. But I didn't think anything of it. Instead i just said something like..."I went to a really strict, private church of christ school for 14 years." 

I don't know how to give an accurate explanation of my time in this school system...there’s just so much that has stayed with me whether I like to admit it or not. So much happened, I was there for so long. But in reference to this topic, basically my entire childhood, age 4-17, was spent in a place where...there was a right and a wrong way to everything. Freedom of speech and action did not exist. To any public school kid, this is hard to imagine, I’m sure. But like..we couldn't talk in class, we got punished as a group for one person's mistake, we were taught that our priorities in life were to worship god and serve your husbands, to remain submissive and have babies..because I came from man's flesh and I owe them or something like that. I was forced to sing praises I didn’t believe in. I didn't dress myself for 14 years because of the dress code (which is why I can't go shopping alone lol). I spent my childhood listening to people preach and sing about how God is love and life. Anything else is just wrong. I was indefinitely raised by teachers, peers, coaches, and parents who thought that missing a Sunday sermon was scandalous, piercings and tattoos were sinful, sex before marriage lead to death..I remember one of my teachers being fired for divorcing her husband, it went against the beliefs of the school. I remember all the presentations in front of my class about any chapter of the New Testament (my choice!). I never was given the choice to say no growing up here. One of my high school teachers was fired after students got suspicious of him being gay. I was completely surrounded by people whose idea of a conversation was asking what church I went to, maybe we had mutual friends. Want to sit together in chapel? 

My parents have never been religious, I never went to church growing up. My sister and I had a hard time relating to people when we had the chance. I was mostly quiet in school and was praised for that. Then I got to high school and discovered that all of these beliefs were optional...  Long story short, my later years in this school were spent being...different, unaccepted. I knew religion was a choice, but here it came at a price. Freedom of expression was not something I was taught growing up. I never learned how. Never had someone explain to me the significance of being an individual. SO. This is when my counselor suggested that the reason I don't know exactly what I value, or what I believe in, or how to express myself is because I never learned how. I still haven’t learned how. I just see everyone around me doing it. The worst part about it, too, is that I keep trying and trying to change this about myself keep failing. I can't teach myself something I don't know. To me, my chance to find a lot of what I'm asking for has passed. I'm at the age where experimenting would be too awkward. People don't think twice about who they are now. It’s scary.    

[brainfunnel-blog]

04/11/2018 My name is Emma Kathleen Barnes. I am a 5’5, 22 year old girl, and I don’t know how else to describe myself. I grew up in Nashville, graduated with a bachelor’s degree from Chattanooga, TN, and I now currently live in Atlanta, Georgia working for a local pediatrics office. I don’t know myself. I don’t have a passion for anything in particular. I’m not an athlete or academically gifted. I don’t have a defined friend group, don’t know how to dress myself. I set goals but never accomplish them. I’m unaware of what I value in life, what I believe in, what I want my future to look like, and sometimes even what I fucking like and don’t like. I’m great at giving advice to those who need it but incapable of applying it towards my own life. I’m a pushover. I’m uncomfortable with myself. Sometimes I neglect to tell people about my girlfriend who I’ve been dating for almost two years. I’m not a pessimist, I’m just honest with myself.

I was raised in a very loving and accepting household by my mom and dad. They recently divorced after thirty years of marriage- my older sister now lives with our mom in the house we grew up in, and our dad is still experiencing a mid-life crisis 6 years and counting. Me and mom talk on the phone often and I travel home to spend time with my mom about once a month. I see dad every few months.

I’ve always enjoyed expressing myself through writing. It might be one of the only creative aspects I possess. I also find it an incredible release to watch my own thoughts materialize onto paper. I would compare it to the outdated theory that drilling a hole in someone’s head relieves pressure or headaches.  When I write, my fingertips become a funnel for my brain. It feels a little less cramped in there afterwards. But, as comfortable as I feel writing down what’s on my mind, a lot of thoughts that I have feel unexplainable, which is irritating. It’s like my thoughts aren’t even thoughts, but physical feelings. An upset stomach or a headache is often my body’s way of communicating jealousy, fear, or stress. I learned that this is a common side effect of anxiety disorder when I was diagnosed with it about two years ago. Since then, I have mastered the ability to pinpoint my feelings when they arise. And I’ve just recently gotten better at finding the root of them. But what I do with all of this uncovered information afterwards is…nothing. I pat myself on the back for being able to justify my state of mine, then I “irish exit.” I’m practically a professional.

Ive been in much darker corners before. Im not sad or depressed. I’m tired of some things…. I’m tired of letting my lack of self-confidence dictate my life. Im tired of people not listening to me or not being interested in what I have to say. Truthfully, i hardly ever have anything interesting to say, but I feel like a brick wall sometimes. I avoid new people and relationships because I feel like I have nothing to offer. I can't pinpoint the type of people I would easily get along with so I don't know who to talk to. I'm afraid to disagree with others in fear of judgement. I believe everything everyone says about me because I don't know myself enough to believe otherwise.

Brain funneling is me admitting that this mindset is deeply rooted in the absence of internal peace. I PREACH that internal peace and self-contentment is (and always will be) step 1 to a happy life. Yet here I am still unable to conquer it. I am not at peace with myself and I want to be. It is time to dig up my ugly demons and have a chat. I don't desire to change the world or be a hero or even be well-known. I just want to be able to describe and share myself with important people in my life…and also myself. I want to be able to do this with confidence and without hesitation. I don’tknow how im going to do this but im going to do it. I keep reading that self-discovery is a long journey, one that adapts to life experience, age, and environment. But im ready to dig.