brainslushee

[brainslushee]

🍒 Half a monster and counting on an empty stomach, I'm GOING to die for the hype so help me god.

^^^ Getting ready (for work =_=) playlist CAN i get a RAWR???

[brainslushee]

🍒 I WANNA DESTROY MY LIFE IN PURSUIT OF THE CULTURE. THE CULTURE IS DEAD BUT IM BRINGING IT BACK, BABYYYY NECROMANCY NEVER LOOKED SO SEXXXYYY. COME KISS ME IF UR A BOY WITH EMO BANGS AND EYELINER LOL

[brainslushee]

🐹 I look good today. There’s a mirror on the closet door by my bed. Sometimes when I wake up I feel awful seeing myself, but today I think I look cute. I’ve been thinking about dying, and surprised by how excited and happy that thought makes me feel. I can’t even say death is something you’re truly encultured against (though a lot of our attitudes around it are), as it goes against my most basic, feral instincts. Fear of death is something we’re all born with. So with that and my learned disgust/notions/fears of death, it’s jarring how appealing I realized it is to us. It makes me giddy to think about, I mean laugh with delight giddy.

I opened tumblr after checking my messages. I saw a post begging people not to make fun of Gen Alpha for the extremely widespread abuse and neglect they are facing. I saw a post about the genocide, and the destruction of the Appalachia’s. I absently let myself stare at a silent TikTok of Jeremy Fragrance and I was like. If I was dead I wouldn’t be seeing this. And even the idea made me feel at peace, and I smiled to myself. This is an awful world that’s never cared to have me in it.

[brainslushee]

🐹 I had a good weekend, I guess! I'm really anxious about the changes at work. I tried to have a blast these past two days to forget about it - On Saturday I went to a musical I was really excited for, and then today I went to the mall. The musical was okay I guess. They changed the really impactful and cathartic ending into a hollowly optimistic one, and all the actors were wearing clothes from Amazon for their characters.

The mall was fun, but the quality of clothes keeps going down, but the prices are going up. They were selling Bobbie Jack shirts at Forever 21, and I was like OMG these look JUST like the ones I had as a kid! I reached out and touched one and the sensory memory clashed with the flimsy, polyestery fabric they use now.

I feel like I can't have an interaction with the world that doesn't feel like it's slowly ending.

I've been trying to get in to trade school. I don't know how I'm going to afford switching from work to trade school, but I guess I'll figure it out. I always do. They haven't even sent me my aptitude test yet (apparently it's on its way) and I met with instructors back in August. Getting a job is so hard these days, but so is getting into school. It feels like there is no way to improve your life but to grit your teeth and bear it until someone affords you an opportunity.

I am starting to think the only meaningful change I can make in my life is ending it.

[brainslushee]

❔ overlap with me. let's interlock ribs. let's braid intestines, and nerves, and synapses. let's blur the line of the self and the other. I'd run you through to get closer, I'd put my teeth through your jugular or your aorta. let's hold hands in public, let's crawl inside each other for an audience, let's be so vulgar in our closeness that it's depravity, let them know we belong together. meet me halfway and then inside out. merge, blend, fuse. let us be unmistakable in our union, so no one can miss it, let's mark each other. let me change and corrupt you, let's make it so no one leaves unaltered. i will swallow the red string of fate and you can find it in my guts. i want to leave forensic evidence of my affection for you, toothmark matched to tooth, fingerprint matched to finger. i will touch you to the bone, just come find me. i don't know what you look like but I could sniff you out in a crowd. your absence is the loudest sound in the universe. i will find you and the world will regret keeping us apart. i will rearrange it in bloody chunks, parting it like the sea, scraping it apart like carrion-colored modeling clay until I find you.

god. i just hope you're out there. maybe i am destined to miss something that never existed in the first place. maybe you were here, but you got off before my stop. i'm outside, and you're at the window.

[brainslushee]

❔ i don't understand why i can't find or have that. i'd remake myself in your image, so it should be easy. hah. we choose our front roster now to accommodate our singlet girlfriend. i want reciprocation, though. i wish someone would match with me.

❔ man. seeing people with syspartners. "I will find you in every lifetime" real. blurring the divides of self and other. i want that. i want that. let's match souls. let me jigsaw my way into you.

[brainslushee]

❔ man. seeing people with syspartners. "I will find you in every lifetime" real. blurring the divides of self and other. i want that. i want that. let's match souls. let me jigsaw my way into you.

[brainslushee]

🌻 wbbevhhwbbwbbwbbbwbbbbb

[brainslushee]

🐯 I’m so fuckinf tired but I gotta stay up another HOUR to call the goddamn dentist and fix our shit. Grr

[brainslushee]

🎃 🌈 I WANT TO FUCK SO BAD. BUT I LEFT MY PENIS AT HOME (GOD’S DOMAIN) AND ALL I HAVE IS THIS USELESS FUCKING VAGINA.

[brainslushee]

🍋 Time to Duck! my Carbine Highs or whatever and eat some sour candy on teh couch. Been an epic day XD

EDIT: Didn’t like the movie :/

[brainslushee]

instagram

[brainslushee]

💠 Comes to front for the first time since forming like three years ago or whatever and immediately chugs a Monster xX LOL at least jitters is exciting. Btw what even IS my emoji. Is there emoji etymology. Anyways I gotta get ready for work or WATEVA Xx

[brainslushee]

🎃 🌈 I'm going to be 24 and I still haven't ever been loved in the way I need. I feel so alone. I feel so alone. There are people around me but I don't feel seen. I wonder if my ability to recognize love has been gouged. There is someone who wants me badly, even, and I should be grateful but she doesn't love the world with me in it and she doesn't understand that I don't think it's nice when she tells me how ugly I am but it's okay because SHE loves me.

[brainslushee]

🌻 REM good :3 ummm also GODNIGHT :3 I’m sleep

[brainslushee]

🐯 Yo have you seen how many of 🐹's posts are about how he can't sleep? Dude I formed TODAY because it hasn't slept more than a fistful of fucking hours a night in over a week, and so far I've slept over 15. I'm a public goddamn service and everyone wish me happy FUCKING birthday.

[brainslushee]

🐹 Hmm. I haven’t slept since 8 AM today, and it was for a few hours at most. I’m sure it’ll be fi- [hears skittering noises, accompanied by faint gnomish laughing] who’s there. Looks around. Anyways I want to play a video game tonight maybe. With my compatriots :) if they’ll have me.