brainsplat-splatbrain

[brainsplat-splatbrain]

tuesday the fourth of march

ive always loved that naked eyes song. i was born to love her and i will never be free, you'll always be apart of me! So uncasual! So abnormal! in the hardware store or my grandpa's truck. it never made sense to me. we are so casually ravenous as a species. god dont ever let me try to be normal again. this is the last time, i promise!

i really mean to write more. i really mean to live more. i really mean to be me but i fall into the slump. its a great big lump of greasy black banana peels. like the glinch. i really meant to record more of the festival before the crush got me. same thing! its pushing and frustration and the cycle keeps on going every time i try. at least i keep trying, though! the real me tries to create patterns for bells the slump god! im sorry i dont even know who ski mask is. No offense. but i remember so many times being Frustrated in class, drawing different cycles, clearest in my memory is embarrassment. that one is over, though, thank god. its this constant building pressure and really im sick and tired of typing about it now.

i watched gone girl and paris is burning and buffalo 66. all beautiful in their own ways. i understand the fame of gone girl but it can be so schlocky, its really fun. it was so incredibly special to experience brief moments of life within the nyc queer scene. they shined blindingly and i get teary eyed now just thinking of them. i dont particularly want to but i find myself returning most to b66. i understand vaguely how hellish it was to work on the film but Wow. i didnt expect that. i dont really know how other people feel about it but it tells such a flawed and vile story Its unsettling and hilarious (?). really thoughtful cinematography and artsy editing. i understand why the self-loathing, male-praise-seeking girls who also love lolita and the virgin suicides ( admittedly a fave of mine) enjoy it. i do feel terrible for them, i understand them, theyre on a sort of soul death spiral. i just love thinking about this film and getting on its level. i need to review my media studies notes and get back to you on this. a lot to say Very small brain. trying not to neglect my rotting landfill of a watchlist anymore, thinking i'll hit up rosemary's baby, 2001, and night of the living dead next.. 3 movies in a weekend is sweetness for me.

im so into memory. as a kid i went through long depressed phases because i felt my memory was failing. i tried desperately to hold onto the smallest moments. everything is so important Its like death to let go of the exact pattern in which this grass sways or the way my mom reacts to the song i play her. i hardly remember any of my childhood. jokes about it still sting in a strange way i dont understand. lately, im more obsessed with living in memories than the fact that they'll all be lost. i've become sure that in death we relive our most meaningful moments. i dont know if it will be realistically or according to my recollection but i really do hope im right. and i dont mean seeing your life before your eyes, i mean living. although i cant remember any specifics, if i focus hard enough, i can live in our first conversations. in exchanges and gifts and glances. nothing is more special to me. time cant take the feeling. i could imagine doing what i shouldve done and what i wanted to do but there's no use in that.

all ive ever done is produce more love than my body can contain! living in fantasy is so much greater. born 2 love and dream and devote. so im a bit toxic but at least i realize it. These are embarrassing and unedited and such. but if i spill enough nonsense ill eventually start spilling gold!!!! bye!

[brainsplat-splatbrain]

tuesday the 18th of february

im 18!!! Old as hell. im feeling a lot of sickness crescendo and repressed fear creep up on me. Ends and stories and times gone by and former glories and missed opportunities have consistently brought me to tears, even before I had lived enough to Have good or bad times. of course, I still hardly have any life. "memory" from cats will always get me like a spear in the organs. i was born to weep for grizabella the glamour cat and thirst for the rum tum tugger (JOKE (ONLY THE SECOND PART)). My first real experience was leaving christian school and moving to catholic school, it took me years to hear "youve got a friend in me" without crying. i felt like They (7 year olds) had abandoned me Even though I was the one leaving. i was a very affected little kid, and was always off put by the obvious emotions of adults around me, but they never saw that. or maybe its false memories. i know i was often pretending, though, fake laughing and fake believing, because i wrote about it. so at least that memory is true. im almost done with those kinds of things, besides constantly thinking my mom is angry or sad, but i am picking up old habits lately. as a kid, i would often envision a random image and think just Sooo hard about it and, no matter how weird it was, it came true. i stopped around fifth grade because it scared me. have been doing a lot of that, so far nothing, but we'll see! my appetite is so wrong, i almost threw up trying to eat chocolate cake yesterday, this is insane to me, im a muncher. i always saw people speaking about this and i fantasized of happening to me, nooo No no no! it is hellish. only putting myself into a sort of emotional religious trance helps, at least for sleeping, which is very interesting. i have usually been completely unable to understand the people im becoming. i have a lot more to say. But it is only for the notes app and, someday soon , if im very lucky, my lips :)