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After The One Night Stand
Here I am, back with this empty feeling that I’m not good enough. Lonely and miserable because I feel as if I’m entitled to someone’s time who I just met. She doesn’t care about me, Nor should she. But why do I? Is it because I’m so alone? I’m sure we’re both busy. Why is it that I make time to go out of my way and think about her? Never want to come off as clingy but of course that’s exactly what the fuck I am. A lonely, clingy, manic depressed fuck that can’t get anything right. My ex would say I’m being as dramatic as ever. Is it wrong for me to feel? Yes I’m more creative with how I put my feelings, but am I wrong for having them in the first place? I tried numbing myself with adderall to keep me focused on my goals. I still feel empty and like I haven’t accomplished anything. Maybe cause the adderall came from her, now That’s all my mind can focus on. Or maybe it’s because that moment with her, was exact what I was looking for. That serenity. Yes it was nerve racking at first. Meeting a woman for the first time is never an easy task for someone like me, with low self esteem. But we met and talked, I tried my hardest to not talk too much and annoy her. It must have worked because we went back to her place. The sex was great, but laying with her after is what affected me the most. My ego is too damaged to take pride in having sex with a stranger, no matter how much my toxicity begs me to champion this frivolous accomplishment. We were in her bed and she wanted to be held. Did she want to be protected? Did she want to feel loved? I know I wanted both of those things, but I never dared of asking them from her. She’s the type of woman who doesn’t ask for what she wants, she goes and gets it. I think that’s the difference. I’m too neutral. If something happens, it does. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. That’s why I can’t reach out again. If she wanted me she would have made it known. The memories of a moment that took my sadness away for a few hours, crippling me because now, I want it back. I don’t deserve to have moments like that. I know I don’t deserve happiness. Is this just more punishment for being the piece of shit I’ve always been? Dangling false hope for the possibility of me being happy again? Why am I depending on anyone for my happiness? Let alone her… People like me don’t get happiness. We get to lay in someone else’s bed at 4:30 AM while they sleep soundly in our arms, guarded from the evils of night. How ironic that someone as evil as me would hold and protect her all through the night, until the sun comes up. - Journal Entry ??? 1:54 AM 4/11/19
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After The One Night Stand
Here I am, back with this empty feeling that I’m not good enough. Lonely and miserable because I feel as if I’m entitled to someone’s time who I just met. She doesn’t care about me, Nor should she. But why do I? Is it because I’m so alone? I’m sure we’re both busy. Why is it that I make time to go out of my way and think about her? Never want to come off as clingy but of course that’s exactly what the fuck I am. A lonely, clingy, manic depressed fuck that can’t get anything right. My ex would say I’m being as dramatic as ever. Is it wrong for me to feel? Yes I’m more creative with how I put my feelings, but am I wrong for having them in the first place? I tried numbing myself with adderall to keep me focused on my goals. I still feel empty and like I haven’t accomplished anything. Maybe cause the adderall came from her, now That’s all my mind can focus on. Or maybe it’s because that moment with her, was exact what I was looking for. That serenity. Yes it was nerve racking at first. Meeting a woman for the first time is never an easy task for someone like me, with low self esteem. But we met and talked, I tried my hardest to not talk too much and annoy her. It must have worked because we went back to her place. The sex was great, but laying with her after is what affected me the most. My ego is too damaged to take pride in having sex with a stranger, no matter how much my toxicity begs me to champion this frivolous accomplishment. We were in her bed and she wanted to be held. Did she want to be protected? Did she want to feel loved? I know I wanted both of those things, but I never dared of asking them from her. She’s the type of woman who doesn’t ask for what she wants, she goes and gets it. I think that’s the difference. I’m too neutral. If something happens, it does. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. That’s why I can’t reach out again. If she wanted me she would have made it known. The memories of a moment that took my sadness away for a few hours, crippling me because now, I want it back. I don’t deserve to have moments like that. I know I don’t deserve happiness. Is this just more punishment for being the piece of shit I’ve always been? Dangling false hope for the possibility of me being happy again? Why am I depending on anyone for my happiness? Let alone her... People like me don’t get happiness. We get to lay in someone else’s bed at 4:30 AM while they sleep soundly in our arms, guarded from the evils of night. How ironic that someone as evil as me would hold and protect her all through the night, until the sun comes up. - Journal Entry ??? 1:54 AM 4/11/19
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No Feelings.
Lost in the sauce or I’m lost in her walls
I don’t feel it
Heart beat ticking
Don’t hear that shit at all
I don’t feel it
Damn near chug a keg
3 spliffs to the head
I don’t feel it
Fuck that I don’t feel it
Cold blooded
Don’t want nothin
But to be in a room that’s floodin
Either ima die by the sip
Or ima die with my dick goin deep in the cheeks
Aw fuck it
Couldn’t tell the difference either way
Got the short end of the stick but a good time beats a long time any day
What happens when you can’t feel either
Shorty took my torso when she left and made nigga more evil
Feelings been feeble
You know your god well I know my devils
Rather chop an arm off than to take a hand out
I don’t need you
been rotten to the core for a minute
Crack a seal just to help me not feel it
Been wrong before
still sinning
I don’t feel it
Lost in the sauce or I’m lost in her walls
I don’t feel it
Heart beat ticking
Don’t hear that shit at all
I don’t feel it
Damn near chug a keg
3 spliffs to the head
I don’t feel it
Fuck that I don’t feel it
To keep it real
Ain't feel shit in a minute
You know the deal
Still LoLife living
Ain't shit change
Still a hometown villain
Niggas know the name
Branbav been a killer
Been down and out
Can't tell me shit
Lost a lot
Only thing left is a win
Talk a lot
To forget who I am
Try to stop
I'm to drunk to quit
Roll a bill and then take a sniff
Hold my dick you can't tell me shit
There's a hole in my chest
Blow out Os with my breath
Been frozen to death
So I'm stuck on chill
So close to death
Got hands on the wheel
Still Rollin yes
My spliff gon kill
Club 27 afficanado
Gotta whole lotta pills
Handful gonna swallow
Empty inside
Let's see if I'm hallow
Cut the middle man
I never did follow
Underground champ
I'm the king of the bottom
Hades at the door for a visit
Gotta pay me even for a listen
Don't save me I ain't no victim
Just a piece of shit turned to a menace
Been rotten to the core for a minute
Crack a seal just to help me not feel it
Been wrong before
I'm still sinning
Won the war
But I’m still not living
The demons coming back just to get him
Tryna take the head of the villain
Don't matter what they shot
They won't kill him
I don't feel it
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It's moments like these that I live for...
📸: my brother Yinigami-sama
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Just remember. There is no such thing as a fake geek girl.
There are only fake geek boys.
Science fiction was invented by a woman.
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