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I miss getting to eat whatever. I miss trying to eat whatever I can. Seeing others crowded with one another enjoying food and not worryig how their digestive system will react is something I definitely miss. You never realize how much food is part of our life and social interactions. its what keeps us going and its a great socializing factor. i miss the days when eating just wasnt a problem. i get frustrated by the fact that i am so young but im experience such a health obstacle. i dont know what to do anymore. i really am trying my best here but it seems like the suffering never ends to this day.
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it has been such a shitty week so far and its only tuesday. i failed my midterm, i had to say no to jamie’s formal proposal, i had the SHITS yesetday lmaooo, and i accidentally unenrolled from my comm 171 course. i am sooooooo tired and i just want to chill. like how can one’s week be so crappy. i dont even know what happiness feels like anymore. i feel like bad days are just of persistence and i dont even know where to begin. i just want my health again to feel better and i just want to be thriving in college and be doing the best as i can. i am sooooo so so tired. like i just want to nap for like 10 days straight. and i also just want to go home. college is truly something else. but honestly
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upset with myself for reaching such a unhealthy state. i have eczema all over my body. i have really bad digestive issues. i shouldnt even be here at ucla when i am suffering so much. every second of the day is spent paying attention to all the things i suffer with. no matter what cautionary initiative to take, im still a fucking mess. I dont know how much longer I can take this. I actually want to die. I suffered a lot. I just want all my symptoms to disapear in a night. im so itchy, im so gassy, im so smelly, it can no longer be like anymore. i wasnt suppose to come into university feeling like a mess. i dont know what to do anymore. theres only so much hoping and ranting i can do. i honestly just want to kill ymself. i am tired of living this way. i am really tired. meditation isnt even helping me. i feel like all im doing is facing emotional lows rather than positivity. all i do is rant about my health problems but honestly i have never faced a bigger hell than i did with these gut and health issues. i never knew how much a bad health can take a toll on your life. and i never understood how much people mentioned of wanting to die until today.
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people are jealous. whether thats friends or not, they get jealous. and because of that, you cannot let their jealousy phase you. you have to continue living your life. bitch life is too short to just settle in and fucking soak in that negativity. you defeat that jealousy with more positivity. i want to keep my life more lowkey because i dont need no negativity to spread on my lifestyle. we out here tryna do the most. we out here trying to do as much as we can. i just wanna get shit done!
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Do i intimidate others? Do i give off the impression that I dont want to be near others? I feel like despite all the compliments I get from women, no man still wants to be associated with me! I always get compliements like I am beutiful and pretty but men will never reciprocate with that with me. I know I have a problem... I want to be validated and reassured. But at the time why does this keep playing out. I dont know what I am doing wrong! I try to make myself as welcoming as possible but people won’t reciprocate on my side. Either I get too wild that others do not want to be around that or I smell bad and that no one wants to be near me for that reason. I actually have been pretty sad this week for some reason, I just want to be happy again. I miss fulfillment, I feel empty at times. I am missing something and I dont know what it is. I just want to feel content in my place at UCLA. I want to feel apart of something. Whether its sadness over my health, or sadness over my social life, I just want to feel like I belong somewhere. Everyone has friends and everyone doing the most, I also just want to be doing the most and be part of something grand. Sometimes I feel like I have no friends, but then again I am trying to be social and putting myself out there.
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Maybe I should give up on men and live a happy single life because at this moment, nothing unfolds at the right time. i’ve had my heart torn too much to realize that love wasnt suppose to happen for me. im a girl who has yet to experience a mutual attraction with someone. im a virgin who cant love, im lonely and lost. and i dont want to play games no more. lets cancel people out and lets just live a content and lonesome life. i want to be happy with being alone. i am tired of others getting into relationships easily. i am 20, no one wants to be with me. no one. i am too good for this world. too damn good
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WHY IS THAT I AM TARGETED FOR A HEALTH CONDITION? WHY IS IT ME IN THE FAMILY WHO GETS THE ECZEMA, THE GASTRITIS, AND THE OTHER RIDICULOUS HEALTH RELATED ISSUES? MY BROTHER EATS CONSTANT JUNK HIMSELF AND HE IS IN SOMEWHAT GOOD HEALTh. HE DOESNT FACE HALF THE CHALLENGES I HAVE TO GO THROUGH. THERE WERE MOMENTS IN MY LIFE WHERE I DID DECIDE TO BE HEALTHY, HOW COULD THAT NOT HAVE COMPENSATED FOR ALL THE JUNK I HAVE EATEN? THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD WHO HAVE MORE OF A TERRIBLE DIET THEN ME AND THEY ARE STILL IN A GOOD STATE. I DONT UNDERSSTAND WHY I HAD TO BE DIAGNOSED WITH SO MANY ILLNESSES. I HAVE BEEN FIGHING AND BATTLING EVERYTHING I CAN FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS, MY MOTHER ALWAYS HIGHLIGHTS TO ME I SHOULD BE EATING MORE HEALTHY. BUT HONESTLY, MY BROTHER DOES THE SAME BUT I AM SSTILL THE ONE WHO HAS TO FACE SEVERAL CHALLENGES. I did not get dignosed with depression so I suppose that is a fortunate outcome, but everyday I feel like these health illnesses are taking a toll on my life. I just want to feel like a normal individual, and also be lucky in certain aspects. I am too young to be going through such turmoil. I want to feel like the universe supports me as well. But how can I believe it so when I feel like I am getting constantly bombarded with undesirable results.
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Having stomach issues can honestly be exhausting. You just want to live life carefree without having to think about what foods you are going to eat, or what medication you need to take, and of course if the pain or constipation will be present. I cant wait til the day I no longer have to second guess the food or foods I can eat or how my stomach will react to it. I know that day will come when I will feel normal again. For now, patience, good dietary habits, water, and a stress free me is my only concern. You will be back to health soon, you just need to affirm this to yourself on the often. Stomach issues are temporary, but honestly you are managing so well over the course of the month. I understand you have retreat this weekend, but imo you will be okay. You been through worse situations, retreat will be a breeze for you.
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Allen is a piece of shit. He has played me so many times it is ridiculous. I thought the boy was eager to meet me but that is obviously not the case. he literally puts in no effort, plays games, and asked to hang out on saturday, but didnt even text me about it. he thinks im trash and just fucks with me out of boredom. it was the last and final straw that i took him off instagram and snapchat. i am no longer going to be a victim to bad treatment. i told him how i felt, he discarded that, and thinks im still playing games. i am completely over men who dont treat me the queen i am. i choose to interact with you and continue to get to know you, but you took advantage of that so i decided to take action as well. you have completely wasted my time over the summer, i kept thinking and having hope that we would reunite, and the same thing is happening to me here at UCLA. thats absolutely fucking ridiculous, its time i lift the burden of your stressful existence and its time i make myself happy again. all you did was bring sadness and unnecessary hope into my life. You aint shit, you have no idea what communication is, and you are a creep for even pursuing me. i need to think long term, i also realized that relationships are an investment, and you are an investment I dont see myself being happy in. You have caused so much problems by just dating, I cant even imagine what a relationship would look like. i am done with you. and if you do not notice, then its obvious where you stand about me. if you do notice, and dont take any acton, I was never a concern or care for you. Just someone you can use for your own sense of entertainmemt.
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SIGH
TODAY IS THE LAST STRAW. I have been ridiculed too many times to be continued like this. My dignity is not going to be destroyed anymore. I am a thriving self-loving independent woman who is never going to put her source of happiness on a man. this man.... all he does is bring me unhappiness. I am so sick and tired of the constant disappointment. every minor thing I do just irritates him. its like I can never win. NO MATTER WHAT. AND Every time WE TRY TO HANG OUT, SOMETHING JUST GOES WRONG. It's LIKE HE WANTS TO PLAY ME ALL THE TIME. WHY HAS THE UNIVERSE NOT HELPED ME MOVE ON LIKE GOD DAMN. I AM SO OVER IT. LIKE SO SO SO OVER IT. I DONT WANT TO DO THIS ANY LONGER. I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN SO SAD OVER SOMEONE LIKE THIS. I NEVER EVER WANT TO CATCH FEELINGS IT IS TOOO MUCH FOR ME. LIKE HOLY SHIT THIS IS RIDICULOUS. I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS PLAYED. I AM DONE. DONE DONE DONE. I AM A SMART RATIONAL WOMAN WHO DOES NOT DESERVE THIS TREATMENT. EVERYONE SUCKS LITERALLY. I JUST NEED TO POUR ALL MY EMOTIONS OUT BECAUSE I DO NOT DESERVE THIS ONE FUCKING BIT. LIKE HOW WHY WHAT. I KEEP GETTING PLAYED AND I AM NOT GETTING THE SIGNS. I DONT KNOW WHY THIS CONTINUOUSLY HAPPENS TO ME. I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE. I AM SO FUCKING FLUSTERED, MAD, FRUSTRATED, AND SAD. I DO NOT NEED THIS BEFORE MIDTERMS.
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I feel so discouraged from dating. I met such a wholesome boy through Dil Mil who was incredibly charming, and I thought he was falling for me fast. I really liked his personality and I enjoyed our conversations, but like all my previous men, he did a 360 on me and decided to leave me hanging.
Should I just END IT ALL DJAODIJALKFJAIFJAFI;JAFJJ
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Its been awhile.
Sometimes I wonder if I have fallen in love. Because the days go by and I still have intense feelings for Allen. The boy has fucked me up so bad. I have never had such intense feelings for someone. I even have thoughts that we are going to end up marrying one another? I thought college was going to change everything. I thought I was going to meet someone new and that I was going to be distracted by other boys. That is obviously not the case when I still have feelings for someone, and that person is still in your thoughts. I am trying to immerse myself in school and activities, but it sucks when the one thing that can fulfill you doesn't even want to communicate with you. I know solving our differences will not accomplish anything because he is someone who can’t make me happy. It was nice and sweet in the beginning, and then it kind of just went downhill with the lack of effort and the lack of interaction. I haven’t seen him in so long and I just feel empty. I thought by now my feelings would disappear, but there will always be apart of me that will be attached. How does one get that attached easily? With someone they aren’t even attracted to?
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i miss you but i also need to move the fuck on. You havent hung out with me in so long, you dont put in the effort with communication, and you ignored my last text. I dont know what games you are playing with me but its fucking pathetic how I am still obsessed with you.
Allen is:
ugly
28
doesnt put in effort
doesnt care about you
doesnt like you
doesnt respect you
issa fake
doesnt care about your feelings
doesnt want to reciprocate feelings
wack
HE HAS NO INTEREST IN YOU. HE DOESNT WANT YOU.
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I miss you. I miss cuddling. I miss kissing. I miss hanging out with one another. I miss being in your presence. You are such a piece of shit for liking my photo on Instagram. I don’t know why you did that. That was a bad move.
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Insight into my UCLA life.
I am healthy, I am thriving, and I am fucking slaying at UCLA. My digestive system is no longer something I have to fear. I am eating healthy. I no longer have gas or stomach problems and I am able to survive my academic career. I am socializing, staying cautious of drugs and alcohol, however, but being more carefree than I ever was. I am enjoying B-plate, without fear of my loud stomach detracting from my enjoyment of the food.
I no longer have to worry about the reaction of my body, but instead, i am able to focus on how I can advance myself at a prestigious institution and how I can make the most of my experience. four months of constant stomach struggles have subsided into something less serious and manageable. I barely get any troubles now. I am just living life and trying to make my parents proud of my hard work and passion for my education. We thriving.
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SIS.
Yesterday, I was thriving. TODAY I AM STUCK IN MY FEELINGS AGAIN. Its like every time I take the initiative to get over my man, he won’t let me. It is like he knows that I am moving on, and hes like BITCH YOU THOUGHT. He liked my fucking instagram photo yesterday. OUT OF ALL PHOTOS HE LIKED THAT ONE. I posted hotter ones and he decides this is the one he is going to like!! I WAS THRIVING, AND NOW MY MIND WANTS TO GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE. BITCH WE IS A CACTUS. WE WATER OURSELVES, WE GROW OURSELVES. I just want him to stopppp. I need the distance and time to heal myself without his presence entangling my life. I also saw a huge truck with its front logo as “ ALLEN” bitch wtf is this a sign. IF THE UNIVERSE REALLY WANTED US TO BE TOGETHER, he would be back on his regular schedule or would be able to create his own schedule, something that works accordingly. Yes, I want us to work. BUt then again, its like what is the point , your bitch is off to UCLA. I Need to get off this wagon with him. HES DONE, SO WHY CANT I BE DONE. SIS, LETS MOVE ON AND THRIVE. LEts JUST FOCUS ON THE EYE CANDY THAT IS AWAITING ME AT MY FUTURE SCHOOL AND WHO WE GONNA FUCKKKK.
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