breath3-m3

[breath3-m3]

Ryans getting a vasectomy tomorrow... but I want another baby.

[breath3-m3]

12 March, 2020.

We have a newborn. He is 23 days old. This motherfucker has the audacity to ask me to watch his friend's 5 year old as well while they go to the strip club, but he said they'd be home by 11. It is now 1 AM and according to our mobile banking app, they have been all over downtown and didn't actually arrive to the strip club until about 30 minutes ago. Still way after he said they'd be home. He has also spent close to $200.

Yes, I'd probably be up right now with the baby anyways, but at least i would have gotten to sleep up until this point and I would also get to sleep after ge fell back asleep as well. It would be different if it were just the baby and I, but no. I'm also responsible for a 5 year old. So here i sit, watching Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.

I am so pissed at how inconaiderate he is. I get that he wants to go out and have fun, but plan ahead. Dont spring this shit on me last minute IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIEND. I'm even more mad that I am awake against my will right now, and I cant even make him get up with the baby in the morning because his stupid, selfish ass is going to be stupid hungover.

I havent unclenched my jaw in hours and tears are streaming from my face. I wish I could just tell him to not come home tonight but they took his car and I still have his friends kid asleep on my couch.

Edit: 2 AM on the dot when he walked through the door. Stumbling, of course. I know there is no sense in arguing with a drunk person, but he came in and the first thing he fucking says is "oh you look mad." NO FUCKING SHIT. Then he tries to make me seem unreasonable for being upset. God I want to scream.

[breath3-m3]

Fuck.

If I asked any straight man what he would do if he saw his girl fresh out of the shower, just finished with her hair and makeup, laying across the bed wearing nothing but her earrings.... you can just imagine the hot details they'd spit, right?

Not in my situation... He literally ignores me... I know that I've put on some weight recently, but not enough to make me disgusting... HES PUT MORE ON THAN ME. But he said that the weight hasn't changed how he looks at me... I don't know what it is.

He hasn't gone down on me since early August... maybe even earlier than that. It's almost Febuary!!!!!!

He ignores me. He doesn't even try to fulfill MY needs... I KNOW he is capable... I don't require much... I don't want to bring it up because I know he will say that I'm nagging....

I feel so ugly and pitiful.... I just need to be eaten out and told that I'm pretty.... like damn....

[breath3-m3]

10 Jan 2018

Got home tonight after an almost 16 hour work day. He wouldn't even listen to how shitty my day was though he was wide awake and yelled at me (calf muscles) when I knocked on the front door for him to unlock it because I didn't want to dig out my house key (We were JUST on the phone so he knew I was almost there). Then, angry, I go to take a shower without saying another word. It's 1030 at this point and I didn't want to start anything... not a single word spoken to each other since then. Now he is curled up to my back in I guess you could call a "cute" way, but it's also obvious that it wasn't intentional... The lack of respect is unsettling. I just expected a little more sympathy tonight. Guess I got my hopes up. Goodnight.

[breath3-m3]

He also admitted to me last night that he sleeps best without me...... in my work, we have started doing 24hr duties. So from 0700 one day to 0700 the next, I'm at work. And it's not guaranteed that I get to go home after I get relieved. Some days I have to stay and work until 1600 that afternoon. Making an almost 32 hour day shift. Not to mention the rotation of duties is between 3 people.

So when I get home, all I want to do is lay down and just sit in the presence of the man I love. The one who relaxes me. The one who loves and cares for me... BUT HE HATES WHEN I'M "UP HIS ASS."

All I want is to relax, and for me, relaxing is with him.

For him, relaxing is being away from me....... and that breaks my heart as well.

All I want is peace and happiness between us. Equal parts from both parties.

I know he's not happy with me... I just don't know what to do about it, other than sacrifice my own happiness....

[breath3-m3]

The talk of babies came up again tonight after his baby mama made comments about us having children at some point.

He said "I just don't want the responsibility. No one wants to change diapers, no one wants to deal with the crying." Bitch, I do. I want all the things that come with having a child. I'm ready. But it is OBVIOUS that he doesn't want any more... and that is the most disappointing thing... I have never been so discouraged. I want one, maybe two. But I doubt that will happen. We will never have planned baby. Any child we have will be considered an "oops" for him. He will never be happy about a pregnancy. He will never get excited about a baby with me. The thought of that brings me to tears every god damn time. All I want is a cute little family. A happy, loving family. I want him to want to have a family with me.....

I'm so upset... I will never not be upset... I don't know what to do. It literally makes me want to die.

When I was younger and battling my depression, the only thing that would calm me and get me by was the thought of being happily married (which I am), and starting a family.... and I don't see that happening. So other than Ryan, who never seems to care about anything but what he wants, what do I have to live for?

I'm here because I want a baby. Now he admits that he doesn't want anymore... I'm so hurt.

He told me before we were married that he would love to have a baby with me. A baby with the woman that he loves, not a baby mama situation.

But now, he's fine with never really seeing his children with her and has no plan to have one with me.....

I am so upset I could puke. I feel this horrible lump in my throat that just won't go away. I'm fighting the tears. I'm dying inside and he's laying beside me, oblivious to it all. He thinks everything is fine though this is killing me.

[breath3-m3]

I want a baby. I have wanted a baby with Ryan since we got together. Now that we are married and our finances are finally evening out, and I have free healthcare through the military, I want a baby. It makes me so sad that he doesn't. It upsets me more than words can describe that, even when I get pregnant, he won't be excited for us. He will never get emotional for anything that happens in our entire married life. He doesn't possess those emotions. He doesn't get passionate. Ever. About anything. Except Jeep stuff, maybe. I just want him to love me the way that I love him. I want him to look forward to our future and cherish every moment we spend together in the present. I want him to he affectionate. Kiss me sometimes and fucking mean it for once. I want him to hold my hand in public and show me off. I want him to be proud of me and build me up like he used to.... I just don't feel good enough for him anymore. I don't feel like I am what he wants. I don't feel like he wants to be married. He only thinks about himself as an individual, not us as a whole. He never bases his decisions off of how it will affect us now or in the future. Only how he feels right in that moment.

I'm sad all the time... He never notices. That, or his just doesn't care. He makes no effort to change his actions to benefit us both... Only for him.

He just called me a cry baby or needy... I can't stand it. It makes me feel worthless.

I want a baby so then I know someone needs me.... I just want to feel good enough again.... Is that too much to ask for?

[breath3-m3]

All I wanted was for you to talk me through my pain and listen to what I have to say like I do for you... I don't get upset often... I just wanted you to care for me and say the kind words that I speak to you when you're upset. I wanted you to tell me everything will be okay rather than making me feel guilty about being upset. Yeah, I get it, there are plenty of reasons for me to be happy, but right now I'm just sad. I'm nervous, I'm anxious, I'm lost, I'm scared. I don't know what the military is about to throw at us. I'm stressed out. I am miserable having to go through all this alone... I would have never let left you alone when you were upset unless you specifically asked me to. I thought you of all people knew that's not the best idea. You know thing always get worse when I'm alone... You've only seen some of my crazy, not it's fill extent. I'm sorry, I dont know how to prepare you for these things. I thought times like these were over. I thought I moved past it. But right now I feel so alone. I just want you to make me feel like you're there for me when you know I'm hurting rather than just dismissing me and going to bed. If the tables were turned and this were you upset, even though I have watch at 0545, I would stay up all night just to make sure you were happy before you went to sleep. I'd do any and everything in my power to make you feel loved, appreciated and wanted. If I read this to you, days from now, you'd call me and cuss me for not calling you right away when I was feeling this way. You'd say "you can call me anytime." But that's not true. If it's after 2100 your time, you start getting the angry. Even if I was crying on the floor, begging you not to go, you'd say "I've already stayed up past my bed time. I need to go to sleep" and make me feel guilty about needing my husband. I hate that. I hate feeling guilty for wanting, needing and craving the love, attention and affection from my husband. But you manage to make me feel it every single time. I am there for you 100% of the time... I'd like you to be there for me. -HC