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I watched someone die

Throughout all my years as a doctor, I’ve had to certify many deaths. But today, 29th July 2019, was the very first day I saw someone die before my very eyes.

She had a cardiac arrest. As she was talking, she clutched her chest and I could see her life dissipating. She was not for any intervention nor for resuscitation. I knew exactly what I should do. Or rather, what I should not do. I watched as she said she couldn’t breathe. I asked the nurses for a mask to maximise her oxygen intake to limit distress.

The entire event was calm. No panic. No mayhem. Just calmness. Throughout the 20 minutes.

The aftermath. My colleagues asked if I was alright. I said I was. I think I am. It makes you wonder just how easy it is for life to come and go. I’m thankful for the colleagues that I’ve worked with over the past 6 months. Your care, your belief in me and your support has been more than I could ever ask for. You all tell me that I get back what I put in... but I never think I deserve it.

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These past 6 months have been an amazing journey for me. I’ve come to terms with being single and realise that he wasn’t the one. His angst, self-deprecating views and need for constant attention have been all the more prominent now that I do not have to worry about these aspects anymore.

I have a greater awareness of my own needs and happily advocate for what I believe in. I am happy with the person I am, with the person I have become - Loving myself and not letting anyone interfere with my wants and needs. Being open with the ones I love.

He did terrible things to me and I was blinded. I am better off without him. I no longer think of him in fondness. Good riddance.

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He likes power rangers!!

Gnejbflakfnbdjsjdjskjd

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He’s funny, genuine and mature. He’s into politics, can have decent conversations and we get each other. He gyms. And he likes watching horror movies! And he’s cute.

I think I’m starting to catch some feels...

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So I started seeing someone. Don’t know what to think at this stage but he’s interesting. A bit quirky but we have really good conversations. Going to take things slowly and see what happens but I’m not pushing for anything. I think I got him into Instagram so that’s a bit unusual - I would never have thought in a million years that I’d show someone the world of Instagram. Maybe I’m opening him to a different things. We went out to a place to eat and I really don’t think it’s a place he would normally go to. He was genuinely surprised but intrigued by it. The bill startled him and that was quite cute. Maybe it’s a doctor thing? Watch this space!

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Sometimes you just want to belt it out at the top of your lungs and it feels absolutely amazing to release all the feelings. The emotional wounds are just as torturous and debilitating as a physical beating.

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Doing what I do

Sometimes, you lose sight of why you made your choices and why you did what you did. But sometimes, you get reminded again and it puts everything into perspective.

Today, someone I’ve been looking after for several weeks was finally leaving. She was visibly quite upset. I told her that it’s the next part of her journey and that she’ll meet new people. Her response? “They’re not you”. Those 3 words broke me. “You have a special talent of giving people confidence to push harder”.

Thank you...

I enjoy what I do. I feel that I do contribute to people’s lives. They know that I care and they feel it. It’s a special privilege being accepted into someone’s lives and being able to make a difference.

This doesn’t define me but certainly helps shape me.

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It’s amazing what some re-focusing can do. Knowing where I’m at and being content with what I have has been a refreshing thought. The speculative thoughts are vanishing.

I am at peace now. True, this month has been terrible (largely due to it being his birthday month) but it is getting easier to re-affirm that I need not worry about him anymore. His needs no longer matter to me nor does he play a role in my life anymore. 

I am content. I am happy. I have great people in my corner. I am strong. I am me.

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Mensis Horribilis

Remember all the progress you’ve made. Remember how strong you’ve become. But most importantly, remember you are still grieving. It’s normal. It’ll pass. Triggers will always be there but you need to get back on track. 

You’re doing well. Focus.

Try not to decompensate but if you need to, then do so. You need to let it out.

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The Biggest Trigger

2nd March.

Today was the biggest trigger. 

I thought I would be stronger.

I didn’t want to admit it but secretly, I knew that I would get very hurt today. And I succumbed to the pain.

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Who knew swimming could be so therapeutic - focusing on the waves you create with every stroke, floating along the surface. If only I learnt sooner. 

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Layers and liberation

I am slowly peeling off my layers and revealing who I am. It is liberating.

No longer burdened by anyone, including myself, I feel so free.

I recently read a book and I related to both protagonists - The introverted recluse that wouldn’t let anyone in, only to realise through his friends and family what it truly means to be free and the playful and uninhibited charmer, who was not afraid to stand up and fight for what he wanted.

My own fears are dissipating. I am me. I am not afraid to be exposed anymore.

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Loss

The worst part of all this is that I lost a good friend.

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I used to waste so much time wondering what I’d do if you asked for another chance or were willing to giving it another go. 

Now, I realise that I shouldn’t preoccupy my mind with such things as they may never eventuate. I shouldn’t postulate. It doesn’t change anything. It only causes me unnecessary angst and that’s something I can do without.

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Letting go

I find that the most difficult process throughout this ordeal is to finally let go. This has been a struggle I’ve had throughout my entire life as I have always felt compelled to find a/know the resolution to everything; whether that be knowing the outcomes of treatment or “following-up” on someone in the hopes of seeing the finality of a process. Extending this socially, this has lead to times when I offer solutions and answers that aren’t welcomed and I have had to suffer the ramifications of such. People that know me would often jokingly advise me to “let it go”.

Suffice to say, despite my self growth and personal development, I still continue to buckle and often speculate on the “what if’s”, the “if only’s” and the “can we’s”. I presume that this is only natural, as we had built a foundation over 5 years. I loathe to use the word “investment” as I feel this belittles everything that we’ve accomplished into a process where dividends are expected. I cannot deny the overwhelming melancholy that permeates itself whenever these thoughts arise but increasingly, these thoughts are accompanied by resilience and positivity knowing that I am in a much better space mentally that I can maturely process and react better to. 

I fight an internal battle having to admit that I am grateful that this happened, knowing that break-ups should not be viewed as grateful opportunities, yet this has been a catalyst of sorts that has opened paths of opportunities for me as a person. I’ve spent a lot of time reconnecting with important people in my life and have explored and did things that I have always wanted to do - going to the gym, enrolling in gym classes, learning to swim, instigating and catching-up with people that I’ve turned my back to, being independent to find places to eat myself, exploring colour-run - and these have all been positive experiences.

Importantly, my friends and family accept me for who I am and for that, I will always be eternally grateful. To feel their warmth and compassion, to feel their love and to feel their unreserved trust and support is something I would never have thought I deserved.

Reflectively, I realise that I have not been as open as I should have been to my significant other. Within me, I still erected walls and became ashamed to express what I wanted. Again, an internal battle fought ferociously as I tried to mediate between my heart and my brain. Would I be judged for saying this, wanting that? This should not have mattered, at the very least to the person who I planned to spend the rest of my life with - a painful learning experience. Rather than two separate entities, I’ve learned to let the two live in harmony; compromising and being content knowing the result of that.

Letting go is a multi-level process that extends personally and reaches into everything that I do. From letting go of the way people think about me, to letting go of how I feel about you and others. I am learning and it is truly liberating.

I’ve grown and become a better person. I’ve learnt to embrace the past and live towards the future. To let myself go and not be afraid to show people who I am, who I want to be. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if weren’t for the events on and leading up to Halloween 2018.

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I let my guard down and then you pulled the rug.

I got used to being someone you loved.