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I realize all of the things that I do, and I know my family would never be able to be okay if something were to happen to me, and that’s something here or not, I couldn’t bare to make anyone else feel. I wouldn’t wish this feeling that I feel myself upon my worst enemy. But I do wish I could get someone to understand, to tell me I’m not fucking crazy. To tell me that yeah there’s more to life then what you feel right now, but you’re actually going to get there someday. I keep trying to tell myself these things but all I’m realizing is that I’m not enough to help myself. I’m not helping myself. I don’t think I’m making myself worse, but being trapped in my own mind and my own head is not helping. I just want a way out. From here and from the world. How can I even explain these things and get them out? I don’t know. I don’t know how to tell anyone about this and I don’t know where to start or stop. I’m hurting so much inside and I can’t even tell my closest people because i feel that I make no sense. All I’ll ever hear is “you’re fine, you’re blessed, over reacting, it’s more to life then this, you’ll be ok, good days and bad days come.” You see, I get that. I understand all that. But my mind, there’s nocgood and bad days. There’s just a dark cloud over me that follows me everywhere. That I have to take along with me everywhere I go. It’s clouded my judgement, it’s made me become lazy, it’s made me become unmotivated. It makes me feel like I’m nothing and the chances of me being something one day are slim to none. Who would ever wanna be stuck with someone who feels this way? I’d never even fix my mouth to start telling the guy I love about this because what if he thinks I’m just over reacting or I’m a lunatic like everybody else. What if he thinks I just take shit to seriously and I don’t know when to stop thinking. I wish I could be careless, I wish I could be free of these feelings and thoughts. I always think about the fact that this will probably last forever and I’ll never be okay. I don’t want that. I don’t want it to be the reason that one day I’m not here, or one day it’s the reason I’m all alone and isolated. I just want to feel okay.
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Isn’t it so crazy. How we can live in a world filled with millions of people and we just feel how we feel. It’s like in my head, I know there’s thousands of poor children out here who don’t have anything, or families who are being ripped apart, people who have absolutely NOTHING. There’s children fighting for their lives. People who lose their loved ones everyday over the craziest or the most simple things. So many souls that are suffering in the world, and I’m one of the lucky ones. I have a great job, a beautiful family, I’m healthy for the most part and so are the people that I love. I have people who adore me, and love me, and I mean the world too. I have people who mean the world to me. These are all so many things that I know, I recognize all of these things. It’s imprinted in my mind that I’m crazy because i feel the way that I do but that I also know, I’m very blessed and extremely wealthy in love and blessings. so why? Why do I feel like I do? Why do I not want to be in this world anymore? Is it me being a coward and not wanting to face the hardships of real life? Or is it me just being selfish and wanting to not have to deal with anything. It’s probably a mix of everything. How can I make anyone understand something that I do not understand myself? How can anyone ever get through to me if I can’t even get through my own mind. We all have our own little world, mine is chaos. Mine makes me feel like i can’t breathe. I want to escape it so badly. I don’t know what it is that I’m doing wrong, or why things just never turn out right for me. In every aspect. It leads me to have 0 motivation to try and make things right. Why should I keep pushing on the world to give me better or ty to get better when it’s not what I get? It’s one thing after the other and even if it isn’t, my head still isn’t okay. I still feel crazy. I rather not be here because i feel like all these feelings would go away and I want so desperately to not feel them. I wish I didn’t feel things at all, especially in the depths that I feel them. I picture myself disappearing and not having to ever worry about a thing ever again. From growing up more, paying bills, dealing with fake people, dealing with shitty people, watching the next disaster happen because the world is so disgusting, watching my grandma get older/sicker, watching my brother grow up, watching my parents get older, watching them struggle, hearing about their unhappiness, or the things that hurt them. Watching my mom take care of her mom knowing it kills her, watching my dad not be supportive of it. Knowing that my dad is so unhappy in his own working world, but he still does all he can for his family at home. Being away from the person that I love, teaching myself how to live without him. Getting constantly hurt by the people I give 100000% too, hoping that I’m right about them instead of being so wrong. Having to realize people are so fake, and they’ll do anything to get for themselves instead of just be the good person you’re trying to be to them, in return back to you. Waking up, dreading the fact that I even opened my eyes to get up and start the same day over again. Be at work, do the same things, get stressed out. Think about how I can change my life, but have no real actual motivation or thought to start a change, what can I even change? Remember how in the beginning I said I knew I was so grateful, so why am I being like this and why do I sound like I hate everything? Is this how all people who are labled “depressed” & “suicidal” feel? Like they shouldn’t be in that category but clearly, there’s something that is not right. Like how can I be these things when I have a family who loves me and a roof over my head and food in my stomach? But then how can I just make these feelings go away by telling myself that? I can’t. I’ve tried. I’ve tried and tried and tried. Do I put myself in a position to feel this way? Is it all of my fault that I’m crazy or that I’m just not right in my mind? Having the courage to actually leave the world is something I know I don’t have because
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Here I am back again because this is the place I come when I know that I’m going to be alone for a while and I’m sad. I mean I guess everything happens for a reason and it’ll all make sense eventually but damn it’s hard right now. I wish I could understand myself or the way that I feel or have someone else understand me. Half the people that know me don’t even know what I feel
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i’m at such a low point in my life again, i decided to get back on tumblr, keep myself busy and have a place to safely talk about how crazy i feel. i hate this feeling, i hate going through this. i just want it to be over, i just want to be happy
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Kiss me until I forget how terrified I am of everything wrong with my life.
(via difficult)
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