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[brokenbutalright4now]

Broken.

I can’t stop visualizing how I got broken up with. What was said Nd how I felt. How he showed he felt. It all seemed so real I believed every word he said.

Then I remember what happened after and what he did to me. It was all fake and it hurts so much. Makes me feel worthless Like I never really meant anything to him. How his “I love you’s” were fake. I loved him unconditionally and he never felt the same about me.

Now he’s happy. Making someone else as happy as I was. I’m miserable. I don’t even want to live with myself but I feel so stupid So stupid that I feel this way over a boy. But it’s more than that too. I can’t find anyone else.

No one else likes me. I’m worthless. Im not worth being loved by anyone else. Im nothing.

I’ll never be that happy again. I’ll never find anyone else. They will get married And I’ll be alone. Hating myself because maybe there was something I could’ve done. If I graduated this year maybe he still would’ve been with me.

Maybe if I was skinner and hotter he would still be with me. Maybe if I wasn’t emotional when I got sad he would still love me. There’s something wrong with me. Everything was perfect. And I did something wrong. I did something for him to leave me. It’s all my fault. I can’t keep anyone because it’s me.

I’ll never find happiness because it’s because of me. Everything was good. I wanted him and only him He wanted more and I couldn’t give it to him. I wasn’t enough for him. I’ll never be enough for anyone.

He made me better. We made each other better and I thought, I stupidly thought, that we would last. We could make it. We would be together. But we aren’t. And I’m alone He completely broke me. It will be a year in May and I’m supposed to be okay by now. I’m not supposed to care anymore. I’m supposed to be able to talk about it like a normal person and I can’t even say his name out loud without my heart aching. I can’t see myself with anyone else I have this stupid Hope. This stupid stupid hope that he will come back. I’m not sure I’m what universe that will happen but I have hope. I’m so stupid. He doesn’t care, he doesn’t think about you. I laugh at myself because I’m crying and hurting over someone who doesn’t think Who doesn’t think about me, at all. He’s happy. He’s fine. He’s not miserable. Maybe if I wasn’t so stubborn and reached out to him over summer maybe I would’ve seen him Again. I want to yell at him and push him for hurting me so badly. I want to hate him so badly I want to hate him and say that I will never want to see him again or get back together with him ever again. But I don’t know if that’s true. I can’t admit it out loud. It hurts too much. I hurt, everyday. More days than others. He said I didn’t do anything wrong But I know I did It was me. How can a perfect relationship just end, how can he toss me aside and go out with other girls. What is wrong with me.

[brokenbutalright4now]

The way I used to feel towards someone I thought I loved.

How can I describe the indescribable. Or how can I write my feelings when I, myself, don't even know how I feel. Of course I know how I feel. But I'm too scared to admit it. How do I know it's not just a fling. And it will end after a month, or even perhaps a couple of weeks. I don't. We don't. But I did something I have never done before. I like to call it an epic risk. One I have never taken before with a guy. He isn't just any guy. He is, what I like to call my twin. No it's not a bad thing. When I'm with him I feel like anything is possible. I can go out and conquer my fears. We are too much alike. We think, act, and talk alike. It's incredible. However, then there is Fernando. The man I am, well was, completely in love with. Our love unstoppable, undeniable. But.. This stranger, this shadow that creeped out of the darkness came to the light before my eyes, made me want nothing more but to get to know him. Not thinking anything of it.. I wouldn't call it a mistake because it wasn't. But now I left Fernando. Of course I feel bad but do I regret it? No. Because who I met is someone .. Whom I've never met before. Of course it's crazy. But we are crazy. Who can be sane in an insane world? Im afraid for what I feel of him. Every muscle in my body including my heart tells me this is right, even my brain isn't saying other wise. Is this right? To let myself feel this way so soon. When is to soon too soon? Maybe it isn't. Maybe this is the epic risk that I have been waiting for. To feel excitement and joy. When I touch him, I feel high. When I see his face I feel eager to know more about him. When we talk, it's like we are old friends catching up on our lives.

This is a new change. And I am starting to like it.. More than usual. Writing my feelings down this time around is difficult. He makes me feel, like something I've never experienced before. I don't want to write it because then I'll start believing it.. I'm not sure I'm ready to admit my feelings just yet. But one thing is certain that, my heart sank like a rock for him. I'm soon going to be 18 and him 21. I get scared that his life is already in process and mine is barely beginning. I don't want this to be a fling nor a short chapter. I want it to be a book. A series. I want it to last.

I feel stupid sometimes for letting myself get too far in. Fernando always made time for me. Always there in moments notice. How do I know he will do the same. He hasn't really.. I think that is the only thing really holding me back. Change is hard. I need someone who will be there when I need them. Not when they can or want to. I'm scared. I feel like I am too needy. Maybe I need to change myself instead of changing people. I tend to do that a lot.

Does smoking bother me? Yes. Did I tell the truth when he asked me? Of course not. He's 20 who am I to tell him what he can and can't do. I just hope it doesn't affect us. If there is an us. Like with Fernando, the sneaking around, the lying, and going behind my back. It destroyed us. Why does he have to smoke. Why can't he just not. It would make everything so much more easier. I could never tell him it bothers me. I wouldn't be able to. He would say "This wouldn't work." Or lie to me about not smoking. Exactly what Fernando did. Damn it.

I feel like he thinks I'm a little kid. I feel like one when I wait around for him. I don't think he has asked me to hangout with him. I always ask. I feel stupid. Like I want to hangout with him more than he does with me. Shit kassy your too far deep. I need to back out. Abort mission. I can't. I don't want to. I can wait all day if he wants me too. But I shouldn't. I like to think that I am independent and I don't need someone to rely on. But why do I feel like I will do anything for him. Gosh. He has Me good and he doesn't even know it.

I haven't written his name down because when someone is named, it forms an emotional connection. Like when you name a lamp and you see it neglected out on the street on a cold day you feel bad for the lamp you have named, because you made an emotional connection; and memories with it come flooding in. So therefore he, who shall not be named, is making me want to write down his name. It has only been a couple of weeks and I feel ready to have a deep emotional connection with him. But not yet. I can't yet. I need to know if he is willing to make time for me. I need to know if he is willing to do what it takes to conquer the world with me.

I feel so stood up. We were , I thought, to hangout. I looked forward to it. Never have I ever been so hurt. Hurt like I actually wanted to cry for once. I don't want to feel like that. I want to leave. I want to leave him. Why be stood up when we aren't even anything. Who am I to him? I'm so hurt. Why was I so stupid to go in this far. I feel horrible. I told him I'd just talk to him tomorrow because I was so hurt. I can't put my pride aside to text him again. I bet he doesn't even care. Probably thinks I'm acting childish to just ignore him. But this is how I get if he doesn't like it. Then don't waste your time on me. We haven't hung out for 3 days after we had sex. He said nothing would change. He lied. I hurt so bad. This is exactly what I was afraid of. This is my biggest fear. To fall for someone. Then them not give a shit. Hit it and leave it. He's gone. And he will never read what I am typing. He will never now how bad he hurt me. He will never know how I feel. I'm so numb. I'm fading away to my music. I want the pain to go away. I want to go run forever until it stops.

I feel like a child waiting for a bus on a holiday. It's never going to come. So you are deserted on the side of the rode looking aimlessly into the street wondering what went wrong. Then realized it won't come that day. He won't come today. I feel empty. I gave up someone I cared about to take a risk. I'm starting to believe it was stupid. He's probably getting high with his friends. Having fun doing whatever he does with his friends. Or maybe his ex showed up and they had sex and he forgot about me to hangout with her. Or maybe he never even wanted me and this is his way of telling me without actually confronting me. He doesn't like confrontations. Maybe this is his way of telling me " Run along little girl."

He made my heart pound and flutter. I felt high and dazed by his looks and charms. By his lies. It made me feel good. Made me feel wanted. Like I still mattered. Maybe giving up Fernando for him was a mistake. He won't give me the time of his day nor his affection. Maybe this is God punishing for the horrible misconception between love and a fling. This New Years I didn't get my kiss from the one person I desperately wanted it from the most. Now I have to face him at work tomorrow and I don't think I will have the discipline I need to have to let him know he hurt me.

Another excuse. Just like the others. Do I believe him? Do I forgive him? We aren't anything, who am I to get mad? We aren't together. We aren't talking. We are friends. We are nothing. Should I get mad. Should I admit to him that I am hurt. Hell no. Absolutely not. He cannot know I'm hurt. What do I do? Do I text back or wait until the next day. Talk as if nothing happened? Or do I wait until I see him at work. Let him know I was hurt, mad, and avoiding him? What do I do? I don't think I should text back. He's probably tired. It's late. And our conversation won't hold. I just want this day to end. So then we don't have to talk about our New Years kiss that never happened. Yet another year goes by without it. Maybe this is God's way of telling my New Years kiss will be with the one. Yes. I believe so. So maybe I shouldn't text him back. I'll text him tomorrow. And drop everything else and my feelings. Yes. I will do that.

I thought we were in the same page. But now I'm getting mixed signals. But I'm ignoring it. He told me he likes me, I like him. I'm not going to over this, and fuck shi up again. Every time I make a decision it's all on me.. Like no we are in the together you need to help me too. But. I guess that how guys are. I'm the same way too. I guess that's just my twin ❤. ️

He is undeniably the one person I would give up something for. I've never been able to give up anything for anyone because I never felt the need or want to. No one has ever been worth it except my family or friends. But never a significant other. He is my significant other whether he disagrees or not. I still cannot believe we slept together on my living room floor him snoring lightly and me hearing him. I open my eyes and he's asleep and I fall asleep. Everything felt like dream. It was moving fast but we kept up. It was then I knew.. I couldn't let him go. I can't. I want to find out more. Eager to see what comes next in our chapter. Everything he is, what he has made himself become is incredible. I'd be a fool to not acknowledge it. I love everything about him all his faces he makes the things he says, his intelligence. His flaws are nothing compared to what I see in him. I think his flaws are perfect 💛 I have never felt this strongly for someone. Or opened up or been able to described how I felt or what I've seen in someone . It's an incredible feeling he gives me. My twin. I cherish every Moment with him, uncertain when I'll see him again. I wish it weren't like that. I pray it changes. But if God intends to not change it. Then maybe it's good we don't hangout everyday or as often as I'd like. Because too much of me, can be over whelming.

Today. Is yet another bad day. My feelings are going all the wrong ways. They are wanting me to give up and stop trying. I'm not even in the mood to write. I feel. I don't know. Lonely. I guess. Stupid. I need to figure out my life not wait for someone else to decide if they want me or not. That's not how it works that's not how I work. I'm not going to take it. It's really sad because.. I really thought we had something. But always I get played. Sometimes.. My head is stuck up in the clouds too much. I need to snap back to reality because this isn't a fairy tale. And next year I'm going to a good college become a good doctor.. And I have a good life ahead of me. I don't need anyone else. I don't need distractions. I need to focus on what's important. If I'm not important to someone else. Then that tells me enough. I need to look past this and move on. It was amazing while it lasted.. I don't think it is going to last anymore. I don't think I will write here again

Well.. I'm back. Not that things have improved. I'm going to start counting the weeks go by where he doesn't invite me any where with him to hangout or anything. And so far.. Tomorrow will be a week.. But. Things could change. He could finally ask ME to hangout instead of me asking him. I feel like a fool for trying when he doesn't. He never once asked me to hangout. Never once.. I don't know what to do. Boycott him until he asks me? I think it's is all a big joke. Soon he will forget about me and never ask me to hangout. Who am I kidding. I don't even know what we are. Yet he calls me "baby girl" and "baby" and I'm stupid enough to say it back. And be all stupid and cute with him. It funny how when you read this from the top things are amazing.. And toward the bottom you can watch it slowly crumble away. IT was always me trying harder. Always me wanting it to turn out perfect. That's me. I always want the best possible outcome. I think i know forcing this. I don't want a title. Boyfriend girlfriend i hate that. I just want people to know he's mine and I'm his. That's it. But I don't even know if i know his. Or I can even say if he's mine. I don't even know if I want that. Not if this is how it's going to be. Weeks go bye. Nothing. No hanging out. No seeing each other. Just stupid texts messages how stupid gushy stuff and no showing it. It's pathetic.

Speak my mind? I don't think he cares enough to make time for me. But I do. And I always make time for him. Sometimes I cancel my whole day. Hoping he would ask me.. I feel, weak, vulnerable, and foolish. He can control me. But I act like he doesn't. I like him a lot. I'm afraid he doesn't although he says he does. He hasn't ask me to hangout. There's always an excuse or a plan. Like he wasn't even thinking about me. He probably wakes up and thinks what are him and his friends doing today? I'll just text kassy it's the same thing. Tell her I like her a lot here and there. Then say I miss you. Make her think I'm still here always. Sometimes, I don't even know why I try. When he shows nothing to convince me that he cares.

He is never there when I need him most. He has other obligations. I feel selfish wanting to be with him when he's babysitting or busy. We were supposed to have an "us" day on Wednesday. That was the first time he has EVER asked me to hangout. I thought it was the cutest thing ever. I was, of course exited. Did it happen? No. It didn't. How did I feel. Like my heart was squeezed and thrown at the effing wall. I understand that his uncle was using his car he won't be back until late. But he didn't try to work something else out. Like offer to walk to the park or do something else. Like call me. Idk something. Texting. That's all we do. Text. I can't do that anymore. A texting "thing" no. I don't do that. I need to see the person. Honestly. I don't want this. I like him. He is an amazing ass person, who gets me. But I don't want this with him. We never see eachother. He frieken lives around the street from me. Like really? Come on. I always put in more effort than the other person. Like why. I always have a bigger heart than other people and I always get hurt the most. Always. I don't want this anymore.

Fernando is going through a hard time so I decided to meet up with him because his grandma died and he was feelings sad. His grandma is dying also. But we aren't close enough so I can't just invite myself over and comfort him. But with Fernando we went somewhere to talk. It was hard seeing him sad. And distressed. I missed him. The way he smells. I want to be with him but I can't. Not because of 'him' but because he lied. About the things that meant everything to me it meant nothing to him. He disagrees he's so in love with me I just cannot be with him anymore. Our entire relationship he's lied. I'm not letting my dignity go to be with him. Not this time. We kissed, I felt nothing. Nothing at all. I didn't enjoy it. I wanted it to be someone else. That's when I knew, things have changed for Fernando. My love isn't as strong for him as I thought. But when I kiss 'kiss' my emotions, the intensity how we kiss makes me feel alive. Fernando no longer has control over my emotions. I kissed him to see if I still get that butterfly feeling, to see if I have the urge to keep kissing him. But I don't. And I don't want to ever kiss him anymore.

I wanted him with me. I feel like he means more to me than I do with him. Maybe it's too early to hangout more. Because I want to see him. Be with him. Kiss him. I miss him. But I feel us getting distant. And it's hurting . I just want to give up. Why am I even trying? Trying for what? Things aren't getting better. All we do. All day long. Is text. No phone calls. No hanging out. Nothing. I can't keep doing nothing. It hurts too much.

I don't even know how I feel anymore. The more I write the more I get mad now. I don't feel anything. But if I think about him, I get mad, and sad, and mixed emotions. Sometimes I just want to ignore him the entire day. But I don't want to loose him. I feel like nothing to him. Blah blah. I shouldn't feel like this. I need to snap out of this and get on. He's nice to have around but he's making me feel like shit right now.

Says can't hangout. But wants to hangout. I ask to hangout. Says he can't hangout. Posts video with friends.. Hours after I ask him. Said he was home just woke up. I'm done with your stupid ass lies. This .. Is done.

If you're going to say something to me just for the sake of saying it. Just save it. If you are going to hangout with them or say you want to then do it. If you want to call me or say you are then do it. Don't just say things for the sake of saying it. If you want me to believe that you like me. That I mean something to you. Then you need to start doing what you say. Because I don't believe what you say to me. You say you want to hangout but you hangout with your fiends too late so we can't. How tf do you think that makes me feel? Yeh you don't think about that. You don't care about my feelings. You don't care what you do and how it will affect me. Honestly you need to get your feelings together. Because I'm the fool. I'm the one getting played so badly. I just like you too much to let go. I want to let go because you are hurting me so badly. You talk about not getting hurt pushing away and shit and here I am trying to prove trying to show you how much I care so you can trust me and want this as much as I do. But I can do nothing to change that for you. You will believe whatever you want to believe. Because you will blame it on your Incapability oh trusting or putting yourself out their. Say all the excuses you want. I know you don't want to say it. But you don't want me. You don't care how I feel. And for some reason I'm still here. I always find the good in people. But it's time I choose what is good for me. And what I'm wasting my time on.

There isn't an us. There was never an us. We were just two people who liked each other and that's it. I devoted my time to you wishing you would do the same. I went out of my way to see you. I made excuses to see you. I asked you to come with me on errands that I didn't need to ask you for. Those were the only times we got to hangout. I skipped class and work for you. What have you done for me? What have you sacrificed for me? You simply cannot invest your time on me and that hurts. But it shows that Fernando was the only person who could. It shows he is the only person who ever got me. Took the time to understand me. Invested his time and his caring devoted self to me. You cannot do the same we need to part ways. It hurts but nothing is ever going to happen so we need to move on

I think he finally did it. He finally said his last goodbye to me. This is how it ends. Him not making enough time for me. Me trying to keep it in. Me not being able to. Me talking about how I feel not seeing him and letting 2,3 weeks a month go bye. His response. Sorry I suck. I told you I suck. I have other things. Really? Other things? Sorry I got out of school at 10am almost every Monday and you go play basketball or hangout with your friends stuff. Damn too busy for me. Says he needs a place to stay doesn't ask for me to help or idk hangout or shit talk in the phone meet up talk about what's happening at home. Nope ignores me. Sorry I can't be like your ex and hangout with you all the time and see you. Or drive you around everywhere and buy you things. Wtheck?!? Who the effing hell said that's what I wanted?! No. All I want is some effing quality time with you. For effing sake you don't live that damn far. I've ditched class, called off work, stayed out late making excuses so I could see you. What have you done? Came to my house when my parents weren't home. Because I invited you. Because I asked if you could hangout. Because I asked if you wanted to meet up. Be used I asked if you wanted to go hiking. Because I asked if you wanted to come run errands with me. Because I wanted to see you more than you wanted to see me. Because I care more. Because my heart says I love you when my brain says wtf kassy this isn't love. This is him using you and leaves you and comes when he wants. Says nice things keeps you hooked then leaves again. Acts like everything is okay. Then leaves again. While I'm here hoping something will change believing his lies. Believing when he says he feels something. I can't. Emotionally I can't. This is why I can never cut anything off with anyone. Because I have too much of a big heart I can't. I wouldn't want to hurt the other person so I let myself get hurt. And continue getting hurt . And this is how it ends. With a goodbye kass and a goodbye Emmanuel. And this is where my heart lies. Broken.

April 9, 2016 11:20pm. I told Emmanuel Ivan Ochoa I love him. I was trying to console him that his family is the way they are because they want him to get better but they don't realize they are pushing him away. I said his family loves him. My heart was beating I knew what I had to say. I've been wanting to say it the whole night. When we were watching the snails. When we were in the car parked. Waiting for the moment because I knew he wouldn't say it. I knew I had to. I felt it. I meant it with all of my body and soul. I know. I love him. I am willing to die for him. I took a pause. My heart was pounding butterflies were everywhere inside me. And I said. " I love you" he kissed me and said I love you too. I told him he didn't have to say it back. But he said loves me. My heart was pounding out of my chest butterflies were trying to get out. Then he asked how long have I known I loved him. That word. " love" made my heart pound and butterflies came back. He said I love you in my ear. Butterflies came back strong and my heart started pounding. I knew this feeling was rare. Special. The word love coming out of his mouth was so delicate. So genuine. I love Emmanuel Ivan Ochoa

Everything is coming along perfectly. Extremely perfect. Crazy perfect. It seems like it is too perfect. I love him. He loves me. We have been seeing each other every week. And when we don't see each other we miss each other so much. I am completely sanguine. I don't think I can be any happier than I am. Because I know everything will be okay. I am confident to say that this will progress adequately.

I am happier than ever. Right now I'm on a Mexico trip to Rosarito I left Thursday and I'm not coming back until Monday late. I miss Emmanuel so much it consumes me. I always think about him. Wonder what we would do if he were here with me by my side walking along the beach. It makes me want so much more with him. Our future is coming towards us and we are ready. Full of excited and eagerness to see how we will deal with our next obstacle. He still hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend yet but he doesn't have to. I know my feeling ms are true for him as his are for me. There's no need to rush perfection because this will be my last boyfriend, lover, chocolate lump ever. I don't want anyone else only him. I know I am still young but I know what I need and want in my life. Together or not he will always be a part in my life for as long as I live. I love him and he loves me that's all we need for now and for what our future And God has in store for us will be incredible. And this is where I leave you in the midst of our beginnings and our endeavors. Kassandra and Emmanuel will conquer all obstacles and take more epic risks 💛🐺🌀🌀

Ever since you told me that you barely got over your ex.. I felt like everything before that was just an act. You were lying to me. I felt so hurt that day.. But I knew it meant that you accomplished something so I couldn't show you. It makes believing you a bit harder. And the whole "promise me thing" and looking in my eyes so I know you're telling me the truth.. You said half the time you just say promise so I could drop it. But you don't understand how much those promises a virally mean to me. And now that I know that you just say it to say it.. It makes me not believe anything you say. Those small things I do help me gain trust.. But now that you can't even tell me the truth and lie about my promises.. Makes it harder to trust or believe you.

July 9, 2016. I took a shower with Emmanuel. I know I will marry him and it was the best night. I just dropped him off at 5:40 am July 10.2016. I love him so much goodnight

September 9, 2016 12:47 am.

My feelings for Emmanuel grow and grow more and more every single day. I will soon be going off to college and he will stay behind. It will be the hardest things ever to leave him behind because I am so sure about our future I don't want anything ruining it. I love him. No words can describe how much and no actions can show how much. I feel it in my heart and soul. I know it. And god knows it. I know he still has his doubts at times and questions guys I talk to but only if he knew and frieking irrelevant they were to me he would understand. No matter how many times I tell him I know he will always have it linger in the back of his mind and it scares me. I will be going off to college and we need all the trust we can get. I know our fights will be so hard because we can't see eachother everyday. If he were to promise me forever and to wait I would say yes without hesitation. I am so sure about us and our future it's crazy. But we are crazy and such huge dorks I can't think of a better person than him. He is my better. He is my enough. But only if he knew. He will have doubts until our wedding day 💛🐺 but i dont care because I will keep showing him he is my only love.

Yeh well that ended.

Lol the portable charger was confiscated at the China airlines to Shanghai that he gave me.

[brokenbutalright4now]

The hurt I’m pushing to fade.

I’m in China December 9th and yup you guessed im still

Not over the fuck. I don’t know why. My depression has never been worse.

1-16-2019

I haven’t looked at zachs anything since the new year. I’m finally being okay as each day comes and goes. I feel stronger. I got into a research lab and I keep repeating this to myself because it’s a distraction from the pain I feel sometimes. Indy died today and I wanted to reach out and tell him. I don’t know why that thought runs through my head everytime I hear bad news. I want to run back to him so he could feel sorry for me. Then what. Hell break up with his girlfriend to comfort me over my dead dog. No. I need to move on. Kass you can’t keep feeling, thinking, and being this way. Zach. Is. Gone. And he’s not coming back. You can’t keep spending you days and nights day dreaming he’s going to come back because he really truly isn’t. And your life is going to keep going and you’re not in the moment next thing you know you’ll only remember how sad you were in all this time instead of all the fun things you did and all the people you met. You’re life is worth so much more and you’re spending it on someone who doesn’t think about you a single day and will continue to not give a fucking shit. You need to get it through your head and if you can’t you need therapy. You need help. It’s okay to need help. It’s okay to say that you are sad and that you need help. It’s okay to say that you’ve wanted to kill youself but thankfully you haven’t because you are so gorgeous. Prefect skin, perfect body, perfect hair, perfect teeth, perfect touch. Everyone tells you. You just need to believe it. Everything is going to be okay, you know it. You just need to keep on living and stop looking back at the past that is in the past. Stop looking back. Don’t you dare look through or at his shit. YOU GOT THIS BEAUTIFUL

[brokenbutalright4now]

Where the hurt began.

5/17/18 zach told me he is second guessing our relationship. I’m at his house picking a movie. I want to cry my eyes out but I know I should enjoy the time I have with him right now. I want this to work. God please. Help us. I read zachs messages and he sent to his brother on Friday the 18 I just want to sleep with other girls lol but I won’t tho. Every time I look at him that’s what I think I’m scared. I can’t lose him.

Zach is going to to the senior bar crawl and I let him go last year and I’m letting him go again this year but I’m scared. After he said that I’m scared he will cheat on me. I would be crushed and I probably would never find out. I need to talk to him

Before then. I need to see him I want to cry. I haven’t eaten well in 4 days I feel like throwing up all the time this anxiety is killing me I don’t know what to do I feel so depressed I’m so in love I need to fix this before it’s too late

Broke up may 23 and it is August 26 at 2:22am and I went on a date, and after I cried and cried. I feel like I will never be able to move on from this heart break.

I keep asking why I feel this way as if to find answers for my sadness. I don’t find any, but I scream in my head “WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS.” I don’t have answers for myself and God gives me hidden answers. I don’t want to feel like way anymore I want to feel happy. I just want to be happy

I’m doing everything in my power to not end my life. I want to live. I want to believe that I the hurting will stop and the pain will go away. Most days are better than the rest. But some days suck. And I feel so sad. The saddest I have ever felt in my entire life. I can’t eat. I cry. I feel miserable. I feel as if death would feel better than how I feel now. I don’t want to hurt myself anymore. But there are times where I want too. Drinking makes me feel better. Keeps me distracted. He has moved on and I feel as if we just broke up yesterday.

I don’t know what hold you have over me or what you did you fuck me up so bad. I hate that I feel like crying every night when I’m not drunk and I’m alone. It’s emotionally and physically exhausted to the point where I don’t want to deal with it anymore. But I have such a huge future ahead of me so I continued to push everyday.

Why is it that he found someone else already and quick too I might add, and I’m still suffering everyday. It’s been so long and here I am wanting to kill myself everyday. I don’t want to feel this way. I rather be dead then to feel this emotional pain every single day. Eating is a struggle. Doing anything is a struggle. I hate myself for still caring so damn much.

I walked passed an old lady and I felt scared because that will be one day. As much anxiety as I have for that time to come it’s going to come. I need to live my life one day at a time and enjoy every second that I have. I don’t want to grow old and remember how much in pain I was and how I did not live in the moment of my life. I need to stop worrying about the future because it will come. I need to live in the Present. The now. In the moment. Enjoy life, let God take care of the rest. Just live your life in gods ways.

I feel I don’t want to use the word but I have to accept the fact that yes I am depressed. I’m depressed. I can’t focus. I don’t feel myself. I drink to numb and I always want to do drugs to make my mind off of my pain but I know that’s not okay. I have no one to turn too or to tell my feelings to. I have so much sadness I keep it all in. I don’t want people to know I’m sad. I need to go to a therapist. I can’t be telling my friends what is going on there is too much. Ending my life is not an option. I need help

I’m depressed. I am depressed. I cry, I feel unmotivated. I drink to forget. I have sex to distract myself. I smoke to reduce my anxiety. I need to change my way of life. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I need help. I need healthy distractions. I need to get a grip.

It sounds crazy. But sometimes when I walk into my room when it’s dark I feel like Zach will be waiting for me on my bed wanting to apologize. But I know he won’t ever. And I don’t know I think that. Everytime I feel sad I want to cry I let myself cry but no tears come. I think that’s god protecting me and helping me stay strong. God has done so much for me I need to keep pray and start my bible studies my dad gave me. God know what’s best for me and will be bring someone amazing for me I just need to be patient and have trust in the Lord my savior. Okay I feel better goodnight.

If I don’t feel better by next year 2019 I am going to kill myself. I can’t keep living like this. I can’t keep having break downs. Yeh it sucks because I went through a break up and it’s unbearable. God I need you’re help. I know it’s the devil wanting me to do these things but I don’t want to die. I need help. Take this pain away please. Amen

[brokenbutalright4now]

Where it all began.

So I met this guy Zach Dunn and he's is very good looking a THIRD year ( yeh what am I getting myself into Idk) after WonTing's birthday a friend of ishanis, i went with zac to his place omge i KNOW. But we didn't do anything other than make up and he made me touch him but we were drunk. He's an okay kisser but if he's gunna keep talking to me then I can fix that (; LOOL anyway. Yes he's very handsome. Reminds me of Isaac but he's so funny and can hold a conversation is built and really nice and funny and makes me laugh and I can be dumb but not too dumb cuz he's a third year and I'm only a first year. I wanted to see 50 shades darker and was like omg you should watch it I'm excited and he's all are you inviting me or telling me and and I'm like do you want me to invite you? And he's all quiet and I'm like do you want to come with? And he's all yeh what day and I'm like Valentine's Day WINN WINK SHIT HELLLL YEEE. he was talking to this one girl named Sarah is kappa kappa which I'm scared of because they were talking for a bit. And then stopped and he I guess was mean to her because it was a toxic relationship. I can tell me lowkey is interested to get to know me but is timid because I'm a first war I go out a lot and of course drink but it's not like guys come after me which I think is very surprising that zach went after me lol he says it's cuz of my nose ring but who knows lmfaoo. But yeh I don't want to cause beef but if he's serious and I know he is and we are on the same page thennnn idk. I might. But we seriously need to have a talk about that becaus Im not trying to talk talk and then boom done then I'm left again and he's another Isaac

I really like zach. But he kissed another girl at a party at the Alamo house... and he didn't remember. That night was terrible and I cried. Melissa said I cried like someone had died she didn't know someone could cry so hard. Everything is better., slowly getting there. Then heat comes around and he assumes I'm doing something because I wasn't picking up my phone. I didn't have service. And my messages weren't going through. I was with lil B and Salmon and he went off to dance with another girl and Melissa took a video and showed me. I was heart Broken. I know zach feels terrible about that. HIV scare happened Wednesday in the 8th of march. As soon as I found out I went to the hospital. It's Thursday march 9. I'm clean. I feel bad because I was so quick to acuse zach. I'm sorry zach. 4/14/17 11:45pm

I have never fallen for someone so deeply as I have for zach. I have to be honest zach's intellect has been rubbing off on me. If that is even a thing. But the vocabulary he has been using makes me want to use them also. He is funny, sarcastic, charming (in every way possible) and caring. He has a big heart that he is afraid to use. I'm scared about the future that I know I should be in the now. But this is how I am. I think about the future.. do I see a future with him? Not really. He is a third year and I am a freshmen still getting my life together. He will leave me and soon be off with someone who has their life together like him. At times I want to say I love him but I know it will end and I will be broken. I don't think I can say it. And mean it. I will say it. Because I know the feeling it will bring to us will be astounding. But I know once we end it will be the worse feeling. I have to stay reserved. I have to stay smart. I have to stay strong headed. It's the only way I can rest assure. So it's been four months and still no I love you. I'm waiting for him to feel it enough to where he has to tell me. He is scared and he feels vulnerable but I know he does. November 3, 2017 zach told me he loves me, but it was not at all I was hoping it would be but it still felt right. I said, “ why do you hate me.” And he said I don’t baby and then In his whisper “fake crying voice” he said I love you. And I couldn’t believe how he said it like it was fake in a way and I said what did you say and he said that I ruined how he said it and the moment and I was like ummno you ruined by how you said it. Anyway the next day we hung out with my family and we watch Thor and ate enchilidadas and that night I said I wasn’t sure if you meant it or not and he said he did and I kissed him and said I love you too then we kissed and he said I love you too. And it was perfect. My heart was beating fast and I got butterflies in my stomach and it felt right when I said it and it was beautiful when he said it back to me. It was perfect.

I know how zach is I know who he is. I know his ego is bigger than his hair and he is hard to get through too. 12/16/17 Zach is out in sandiego for brads birthday with his brother and whatever and I’m okay with that. It’s just we have certain things where we tell each other when we arrive places and just things we do or snapchat each other things we do. It’s not all the time but we do to just let each other what we are doing and I don’t expect it often. But he won’t when he’s out drinking and I’m like okay whatever he’s busy. But I see others snapchats and he’s in sandiego and he didn’t even tell me when he got back from the Alamo party or when he left to San Diego and I was like um okay cool. Then he gets kicked out of the club and I find out from someone else and I ask him hey what happened and stuff. And it’s like I’m worried why did you get kicked out and I’m lowkey mad because this happens often. He briefly explains saying oh the security was stupid and blah blah and he ignores me for a while. Then he’s like I’m going back to the hotel. Then he 40 minutes later he says he got in. And I’m like at this point idc enjoy. I just got home from a day at magic mountain I’m tired. Idk I feel pathetic for even caring about everything when I know I shouldn’t care and I should just leave him be I’ve had multiple boyfriends cheat, lie, and manipulate me and it’s just like I’m trying to be okay and not compare but sometimes it’s hard because he’s new to this girlfriend thing so it’s hard for him to put himself in my shoes sometimes and I feel like an idiot making things a big deal when he’s like it’s not and I feel stupid and idk Farzam his “bro” his story is making shit worse when I know I should put it all away. I know when zach and I try to talk it out tomorrow it will be me trying to fix everything and apologize for things that I know that he did. And apologize for things that he hurt me.

[brokenbutalright4now]

Since the beginning pt. 2

But anyway yeh so I went back to Robby's room another time I don't remember when but Isaac got mad at me LOL! Finally but he said it was OF different reasons buuutt Idk. And again he tried forcing me too. He put the Tio in but that was it I left real quick after I didn't want to have sex and I felt like he forced me. Another party I went to was auction for phi kap and this pledge bro made me bid on him $35 and I won haha I thought he was okay looking then he did a funny pose and bam. I got that gay vibe. He's too nice and I don't want anything cuz I know I will hurt him. I'm not lookin for anything. And he texts me as if we are talking or something. Like no. He had a date in the beach that was fun but he was being too touchy and I knew that damn. No. another party was for delta tuo delta and I met a hot guy named Dante nothing will ever happen SAD! But it's okay that's when I went with Amy and Alyssa and Alyssa fucked UP and took a virgins card and he came inside her omg that night was crazy 😂. Then I had Isaac come get me cuz I was fucked up and it was 3am and I'm surprised he snapchatted me and I texted him telling him to come and he came. I felt bad cuz he had to wake up early so we were laying down and my shorts were uncomfortable so I took them off good thing I wore my good underware 👅. And he was all I can't sleep and I was like ohhh really lol jk no I was drunk so it was low key a blur but we had sex again and his roommate walks in. Omge and his other roommate was alder on the top bunk he could literally watch if he turned his head DEAD. Omg. But then again I was really drunk. I asked him if he had done anything else with other people and he said yeh with two other girls there at ucr. And I was like okay fair enough I slept with one of your pledge bros. lol I'm sorry. I got so sad that me being with Robby destroyed our relationship cuz honestly I would pick him over Robby any day. And I'm the only one he is doing it consistently. And I told him to tell me when he does it with other girls cuz Wtheck I ain't trying to catch something. So today. 11/24/16 day before thanksgiving I got tested and I got the shot for birth control because I'm very anemic so I got it cuz I'm not a HOE! But cuz Ima die if I get any more anemic 😰. So I did it 3 times with Isaac 1 1/2 time with Robby. And I didn't tell Emmanuel. He's asked but I've lied. I can't loose him. Yeh I fool around but I want to end up with Emmanuel. He's my one and only love. I just want to experience other dick. Low key. Okay so today is the 7th and on the 5th I has sex with this guy named cesar from Phi kap and that was the BIGGEST mistake ever!!!!!! Omg!! Okay so I was really sad because my dumb ass thought it would be okay if I told Isaac that I low key was catching feelings for him and all he said was " 😬SORRY😬" THATS IT. I said "I can't talk to you anymore" and he said why? And I said "I'm lowkey catching feelings so I need to distance myself from you I'll talk to you after break"

So yes my dumbass and that response was not what I was ready for. So yeh that day on the 5th I was sad so I snapchatted cesar and was like pick me up. And he said want to eat and then he sent me another snapchat of weed and I was like yehhhhh lmfaoooo. And so I went and he's ugly! Not horrible! But not my type AT ALL YUCK. And I told myself nothing is going to happen but then I ended up sleeping over. FUCK MY LIFE! And I wrapped myself in my blanket. And we ended up under my blanket and from there. Yeh. He has a small dick. Literally my hand and a small tip of my finger. It was horrible. And I hated it. The worse ever. Lasted three minutes and I feel asleep and he didn't touch me at all that entire night and if he would've I would've left right then and there. And we stayed up until 6 am and I left at 9 it was horrible. The next day the 6th Robby invited me over and I had sex with him. It felt good. And I don't regret it. Out of all of this. I fucked up with Isaac and I'm scared it won't go back to how it used to be. Well I know for a fact it won't. And that sucks. I have to find a ginger. Or someone else to be with. Continuously again. Another Isaac. But better. Way better so I can forget about Isaac. Oh boy.

Okay so we are in our month long break it's the 22 and it's currently 4:01 am in the morning and no I'm not having fun I'm home on This uncomfortable bed that hurts my back I might end up sleeping on timos old bed in Joel's room but ANYWAYY .. so me and EESAAC lol are cool now 🤘🏽 at least over snapchat we are 🙂. We will see if and when I see him in person. I know he knows that I had sex with Robby again. And last we talked about robby he said that he need to see from me that I was done with him but SHIT. .. I just realized that maybe he said that cuz he didn't want me to do it with him again because he wanted me to be "continous" like we had agreed. But I can't do that with both. I choose and we'll shit by reading this you know who I choose. Damn. Um well. We will see how everything is when we go back and I know he will drop me like a pin and like I said up there ☝🏽 I need to find me another Isaac preferably ginger. Actually next person I have sex with will be a ginger or.. Isaac buttttt doubt that will happens cuz my dumbass went back to robby and I have a feeling that robby has no respect for me. And this guy joe who is their frat brother probably thinks I'm a slut and I was trying to get at him. I think Isaac had a talk with him because one minute we were talking normal the next. Not. And he was hanging out with Isaac the day we were talking and shit changed. And lowkey I think he has a girl but I couldn't tell cuz of his snapchat story buttttt anyways he lives in my building so I'm bound to see him again and Ima be like wassup and leave cuz I'll feel stupid. I need to have more respect for myself and stop throwing myself at guys. Idk what's wrong with me. Ugh.

Isaac is a fucking dick. Fuck him. I need to get the fuck the over this fake ass looser.

Yes I'm hurt over Isaac he was an asshole but then again I realized I fucked yo too because I slept with Robby and him at the same time fuck kassy wtf were you thinking. I liked the attentions nd used Robby to get Isaac jealous and it back fired but ya no whatever. Okay not whatever but let's move on kass.

[brokenbutalright4now]

Since the beginning

Okay so how do I begin? College. Amazing. Boys. Amazing. Experience. BEST EXPERIENCE EVER!!

I moved in September 18, 2016

And it's November 11, 2016.

Like I said best experience ever! Me and Emmanuel have had our ups and downs. Mostly downs since I've been to college. A part of me wants it to end. But a part of me doesn't want it to. I love him YES. do I just want to have fun in college.. also a yes. It's hard. I know it's such a selfish thing to think I can't even say it out loud much less type it out. But I will because I'm writing this and no one else will read this. So there it goes. Yes I want to have fun in college. But I want him to wait for me after college. By fun? Maybe be a small of a slut. No okay yes a slut. Do I feel bad? Yes. I feel horrible. I haven't told him. In fact I've been lying to him and my self. Do I feel bad after and during. Yes. Why do I keep doing it? Because I have freedom and I'm using it. I've gone to so many parties and I'm going to write them all because I want to remember my college experience. BEST EXPERIENCE EVER!!

Okay so week zero I believe it was a Tuesday?? Yes. I went to my first party with this girl Danielle who I new would get invited because she's gorgeous and crazy I had her in orientation so yes I kept in contact with her. Am I in good contact still? Lol no. But we aren't strangers. Ya GET me? Okay so I took my roommate tiara and no I didn't tell Emmanuel because i knew he would fffllipppp. But then I ended up telling him because i didn't text him that whole night. I did nothing at that party didn't smoke didn't drink plus they had beer and ehhhhh I hate beer. GROSS! But my roommate did. We met so many cool people and from then on I knew I had to start making new friends so now everytime I go to a party I always make new friends. The second party I went to was with some of my hallmates again I don't remember what was the next one deng it. But the ones I remember clearly not because I blacked out but because I've been to a lot so far. The next one I believe was the American themed one? I looked hot tbhhhhhhh. That's when I cut my hair. I saw Isaac there and damn. I looked good he knew it too. I wanted to go back to his room. OMG okay so one time when I visited my dad for something I forget what but we played football I went to Isaacs dorm and he let me take a hit of the wax pen and I got ssuupperrr high I almost threw up but good thing I didn't cuz I would've died.. but anyway. We had sex that day. And his roommate walked in 😂😂 dead. That was great and that was before the party American. Then the next one I remember was with my roommate and hallmates we went to delta chi and we had really good screw drivers holy crap I downed them. Since I've been to parties I've never had a hangover. I've been so proud because I hate them and I literally would die ughhh I feel like shit I can't function. Another fun one I went to was Fiji!! That how I met Robby and I saw Isaac there too and he kissed me as soon as he saw me but he was drunk I don't think he remembers that lol but i dont care lol. Then I went to date party with Robby. Robby is so muscular literally my ideal guy. Except he's low key full of himself that's why I can't see up furthering anything. I was alllllll over him one because he's hot. Another because Isaac was there with another girl low key got butt hurt that he didn't ask me! But then was happy that Robby asked me cuz I was like fuck yeh . Look at how hot I am! And yeh I made out with Robby and Isaacs date sam got super fucked up and I had to take care of her and Isaac passed out threw up on himself and her LOL! And then he low key got raped she tried putting her hand down his pants with throw up it was so bad 😂. And so I took her home and Robby came over to help me cuz I was drunk. We hardcore made out and I fell asleep and he didn't do anything. But I knew he wouldn't. Later I went to his room like a couple weeks later and I didn't want to have sex with him but he kind of forced me and we did. It hurt so bad because I was dry because I wasn't turned on I only did it cuz I didn't want him to stop talking to me because I low key wanted to get Isaacs attention but that was dumb. OHHH I FORGOT.e and Isaac did it again in the day time in his room again cuz I was turned on and yeh.. I was super self conscious but I did it anyway 😰😰.

[brokenbutalright4now]

I miss him so much I don’t know what to do. I’m going frieken crazy. I have no one to talk to about it because no one wants to hear my shit. This is so painful just kill me

[brokenbutalright4now]

Scared.

I’m scared I won’t have the strength to continue. I keep trying everyday, but I don’t think I will be able to. I’m scared of what will happen to my mental health. I want to heal. I want to forget. I want to be happy again. I’m scared I won’t be happy for a long time and I don’t have that long of a time. I need to be happy now. I need to be okay now. I’m scared God is doing the best he can, but it’s not enough for me. God is trying to help me, but I’m scared I won’t be able to continue this. It’s too hard.

[brokenbutalright4now]

Another day.

Today is another day of healing. Today is another day where I can choose to be happy or to be sad. Today is another day where I can choose to eat more than a bird. Today is the day where I can choose my mind set. Today will be the day I will try harder than I’ve been trying because today is the day where I don’t think I can take the pain any longer. Today will be the day I will force myself to eat more because if I don’t I think my body just might shut down. The pain of my feeling come at me at different lengths and I pray to God to take away this negative energy. I pray that today will be a new different day where I can be okay. Today will be the day I try harder to heal myself because this pain is unbearable and I cannot tolerate it anymore.

[brokenbutalright4now]

Never.

I wouldn’t go back to him. He’s had sex with too many girls since we broke up and I need to get over the fact that we ARE over. He doesn’t care. He likes this lifestyle. And it’s OVER. We won’t be getting back together, ever. Let’s face it. He will continue to have lots of sex with different women and you can’t let yourself be stupid like that and give into how you feel because he does not reciprocate at all. It’s hard for me to let go of what we USED to have because it was unlike anything I’ve had before. I miss what we USED to have, but I need to wrap my brain around that we DO NOT have that anymore and it cannot be fixed. It will always bother me. If I were to EVER get back with him in would need to be years, YEARS into the future where I’ve finally made peace with eveything that has happened. It has only been one month and it’s been an extremely hard month. If he were to ever contact me during the school year I MUST stand my ground and NOT give in. I’m scared he will come to some parties throughout the school year and I will see him and be hurt but I CANNOT be stupid. I MUST be strong and dismiss him like he has been doing to me. I MUST be strong. I will never go back. I cannot

[brokenbutalright4now]

Stupid.

Once we ended it was done for him. He didn’t need time to heal he went on and slept with other bitches. Tossed me aside and didn’t think twice about how I would feel about it. I can’t beleieve someone who loved you so much could do such a hurtful thing and not give a single fuck. It hurts so bad I want to show pills down my throat but for what. I know I have a bright future ahead of me if I survive to live it. I can’t end it over a break up and him doing his thing. The lies that came out of his mouth stabbed at me. His stupid lies digging into my heart and me believing every single word of them. It hurts so much I want to end all my pain forever. I never want to speak, see, or hear about him again.

[brokenbutalright4now]

[brokenbutalright4now]

Sad.

Knowing what is right and believing what is right are very similar, but right now they seem so different. I know I shouldn’t talk to him but I believe that it will be right. But it’s not. He doesn’t care he doesn’t care and he doesn’t care. I need to remind myself that HE DOES NOT CARE. He is over me I need to be over him too. I need to GET OVER HIM. I want to yell and shake myself and tell myself that he left me for good. He doesn’t care about you anymore. He has MOVED ON. He doesn’t think about you. All he thinks is that “well that was a good relationship and now it’s On to better and greater things.” That’s it. That’s all it was. A good, relationship. A good one. That’s how he describes it. A good one. One of his bests. That’s it. Doesn’t matter anymore because we aren’t together. No more respect for me because he has nothing to lose. He doesn’t have to lose me because he tossed me to the side already. He already decided he didn’t want me anymore. HE DECIDED THAT ALREADY AND I NEED TO MAKE PEACE WITH THAT. he hurt me. I’m sad. I need to get over it. He. Doesn’t. Care. Anymore.

[brokenbutalright4now]

Hurt.

It hurts to know that someone you love is doing the hurt to you. It makes it worse when they don’t care they are hurting you. It was like I was talking to a brick wall when I told him everything I found out. He just kept saying sorry like that was going to fix me and make me okay, but it only hurt me more to realize he didn’t care anymore. I don’t know why even after eveything I know I would still take him back, it’s utterly stupid and I don’t need more people telling me so. The moment he left he stopped caring about me and I couldn’t let go and he didn’t fully let me go. I knew seeing him would eventually blow up in my face, but he filled my ears with lies I believed because he never gave me a reason to not believe him in the first place. So, I believed every word that came out of his hurtful mouth and it blew up all in front of me and beat me down. There’s not much left of me I feel like and eating has been hard. A part of me is mad at me for letting something like this hurt me so much, but another part of me wants to whither away into oblivion and never deal with it. This one was different from the rest and it seems to always be the case. This time, it was. Now it has ended and I’m left to pick up my pieces and carry myself into the next days ahead of me trying to put myself together while dealing with life. What if I can’t put the pieces of myself back together? What if I don’t want to? I have a history, but I hide it and don’t let anyone know because I don’t think it’s a big deal to feel sad, but feeling sad is different for me. Coping is different for me. I know it’s different in a wrong way, but I don’t think it’s a big deal for everyone to be concerned about me. I hope writing down how I feel will help me cope in a better way.