brokenroots-blog1

[brokenroots-blog1]

Turning Point

 “Because, you see, to be detached from the world, in the sense Buddhists, Taoists, and Hindus will often talk about detachment, does not mean to be non participative. You can have a sexual life, very rich and very full, and yet all the time be detached. By that I dont mean that you just go through it mechanically and have your thoughts elsewhere. I mean a complete participation but still detached.  And the difference of the two attitudes is this. On the one hand, there is a way of being so anxious about physical pleasure, so afraid that you won’t make it, that you grab it too hard. That you just have to have that thing! And if you do that, you destroy it completely. And therefore after ever attempt to get it, you feel disappointed,  you feel empty, you feel something was lost. And therefore you want it again. And you have to keep repeating,repeating, repeating – because you never really got there and it is this that is the hang up. This is what is meant by attachment to the world, in an evil sense.

But on the other hand, Pleasure in its fullness, cannot be experienced when one is grasping it. I knew a little girl to whom someone gave a bunny rabbit. She was so delighted by the bunny rabbit, and so afraid of losing it, that taking it home in the car,  she squeezed it to death with love. And lots of parents do that to their children. And lots of spouses do it to each other. They hold on too hard, and so take the life out of this transient, beautifully fragile  thing that life is.

To have it, to have life, and to have its pleasure, you must at the same time let go of it. And then, you can feel perfectly free to have that pleasure in the most gutsy, earthy, frolicking, liplicking way. Ones whole being taken over by a kind of undulating, convulsive ripple, that is like the very pulse of life itself. This can only happen if you let go. If you are willing to be abandoned. It is funny that word, abandoned. We speak of people who are dissolute as  abandoned, but we  can also use abandon as the characteristic of a saint.”

“All sensations are very short lived - they can’t last forever. The moment you separate yourself and a particular sensation and tell yourself that you are happy, the demand to keep it going longer for its duration of life is inevitable. What you are doing to stretch that and keep that going on and on has turned it to the opposite of happiness - same as the state of pleasure. You want to be in that state of pleasure all the time, but it is just not possible. So, you are turning pleasure into pain. The demand for permanence in every area of our existence is the course of human misery. There is no such thing as permanence at all.”

Have reached a turning point in my life, a very frustrating one indeed, at a very timely moment.Realize that I’ve been living my life all this while wrong - trying to grasp so tightly, hold on to the moment, even though it’s long gone. An entire shift in perspective is needed... Else, I’ll live the rest of my life in a very self-destructive, frustrating and vicious loop. 

Just came back from Melbourne barely a day ago, and am feeling a tsunami of emotions. The first two days were great, where I walked the city alone, enjoying the pleasure that is in travelling solo. I have to admit, the first few (probably much more) hours were definitely a very strange feeling... Realized that the only thing I was running away from for the past semester (or even the past year) was from myself. 

Myself - who was so afraid of being alone that I latched on to anyone that came on. Looking back, as perfect as thing seemed on the surface with Shuet, I guess things were far from perfect. The chase (which lasted almost an entire year) was definitely I sought so desperately after things ended strangely with Michelle. But when I asked her to be my girlfriend, despite the glaring warning signs that week, everything seemed to take a turn for the better. Up till... Chinese New Year where she couldn’t take my tight grip and wanted to break up - but she decided to give me a chance to change. Further down the road, after many chances, I suppose I just... couldn’t do it. I guess I handled the breakup so fucking badly because it just felt it didn’t make sense at all. How could it be that someone who loved me and cared for me so much would simply leave like this? Without a fight? And I failed, terribly, trying to see things from her perspective - and I guess this is my biggest flaw. 

She tried, she definitely did, over and over again, to want to love me and continue loving me. But I disappointed her, over and over again - especially that week where she came down, twice, to hall to find me but I pressured her to do physical stuff. Be a man, Yiwei, and take responsibility for your own mistakes. 

And I did... at least I thought I did during the finals mugging period in Y1S1. And Sharmaine came along - everything seemed so effortless. All the times we went out, it felt so peaceful. Drinks at the bar, listening to music at Helipad, escaping the rain (driving about frantically around the North), lying down at Marina Barrage. And me, being me, wanted to latch on to this so fucking badly. And I pushed, put in a creepily amount of effort, which eventually scared her off. Somehow, I managed to shove this aside - deleting every vestige of her existence from my phone and unfollowing her on social media - till now.... 

But first, Sharon. I suppose time really does wonders. Now, almost an entire week without talking (rather proud of myself for being able to hold back), I’m gaining clarity every single day. How we rushed into the ecstasy of physical connection and tried to force things to the way they were. Spending Christmas Eve and New Year’s Even was probably a testament to this - how we were probably both just too... afraid to be alone that we spent so much time together, like she said, doing anything and everything. And when the semester started, priorities changed, tensions heightened and things just went downhill. At least I get to keep her as a friend...? Or do I want her back...? Really need to think this through the next few weeks. 

But me, being me, needed an escape from all of this. Figured going to Melbourne to find Sharmaine will be a good idea, and I suppose things didn’t turn out as badly as I figured. When I saw her that night at the train station, she felt so... foreign and distant. But there’s just something - the ability to put me at ease and relaxed I suppose? The Saturday spent was amazing - “hiking” (somewhat) to places we both have never ventured to before and simply admiring the beauty of nature beside one another was simply breathtaking... The night was frustrating though - she spent a good hour and half on the phone with her friend planning her trip back to Singapore and I realized... What a fool I was, to think that I was that special. So what if she was willing to come to the city and spend a few nights to you? The way she spoke to her friend was the exact same tone in which she conversed. Worse still, she sounded even happier talking to him. But then again, who am I to set all these expectations? Before I knew it, I was on the flight home back to Singapore. And everything - those adventurous days, the nights spent stroking her hair and ear, the morning spent tracing the outline of her face - seemed like a dream. 

And now, back to reality. Treat her like a friend. Nothing could ever and would ever happen with her. She mentioned explicitly about how she doesn’t want a long-distance relationship and spoke about how her ignoring of her friend’s confession was for him to get the hint. Anchor yourself, Yiwei, to these thoughts. That worrying and overthinking is praying to the Devil for a weary and tired mind. 

Another thing weighing me down greatly - parents and home. Why does it feel so exhausting, suffocating and draining spending time with them? Every question asked, every statement made, every action executed seems to annoy me to the fullest extent. For instance, when Mum asked about Sharmaine’s photo frame, she clearly had no intentions at all. I’ve distilled it down to this - it’s not that I’m ascribing intention, but I’m channeling the negativity accumulated throughout the entire day (frustration, disappointment and anger) and father and mother, unnecessarily amalgamating the entire day into a ball of emotion. 

Let’s try this, tomorrow onward. No matter how annoyed I get, I will pause. Separate the heart and mind. Don’t take things personally and respond aggressively. For instance, Dad was just trying to joke around when asking about the camera, but I allowed the frustration of everything to make me emotionally heightened and almost caused an argument. The same for Mum asking about Sharmaine’s photo frame - I let the memories of her asking about Sharon and Shuet flow to the present and reacted unnecessarily. 

So, from now on, pause. You have the energy, abundant energy, if you stop defending yourself and your ego. Let go, let loose, love my family and my friends. Be better, Yiwei. 

The past and memory of the past tells us where we have been and what we have experienced. Like a boat, the wake doesn’t drive the boat. Your past does not determine your present.