brookscharis

[brookscharis]

How did you tell someone what you were going through and struggling with? How did you get over the embarrassment and shame? I am blessed to have those in my life that love me but I’m not sure how I would share this with someone. Do you have any suggestions?

Maybe a month ago... maybe less, I wrote my testimony in a notebook because 5 months prior, I knew God wanted me to tell my parents. I figured this was because I share my testimony on TikTok and, to honor my parents, they should also know. It took watching this video on YouTube to understand that tomorrow, or even this next second is not promised. I took my notebook and sat down with my parents who were already watching TV, then after a bit of stalling, I told them that I was going to share my testimony with them. 

Embarrassment and shame were present, but my response to them was informed by God’s word and His love toward me. I can’t lie though, just because TikTok accepted my testimony, doesn’t mean that I’m comfortable sharing my testimony to my childhood friends and family. But I realize that, first, if God is telling you to do something – do it, immediately. 

The fear of sharing what you’re struggling with or going through is a direct indication of idolizing your reputation and image, which is also pride and arrogance. Paul tells us that he used to be the most impressive guy in the world by Old Testament and New Testament standards, but he considered it all rubbish for the surpassing worth of knowing Jesus Christ and living to bring Him glory (Philippians 3:8-10). I believe, as disciples of Jesus Christ, we’re to be the same way. If someone were to abandon or reject us, as our fear tells us will happen, it would suck but they aren’t our God. If we have Jesus, we have everything we need, He is our portion (Psalm 16:5-11). Also the Bible tells us any temptation you deal with is pretty much everyone else’s temptation (1 Corinthians 10:13). You struggle because you’re human, the devil is a liar who makes you feel shame for being human. You are not your mistake or struggle, stop defining yourself as your mistake because that’s a lie. Your identity is found in who God says you are. You are a child of the Most High God. Jesus considers YOU his glorious inheritance (Ephesians 1:18), He loves you, you are treasured and He is so proud of you. 

After I shared my testimony with my parents, they weren’t surprised honestly LOL. And they even shared a bit of their past with me as well and felt blessed that God answered their prayers to redeem me. Boast in your weaknesses, it shows off how powerful and well-able God is to help you, it’s about His strengths being glorified, not our own. “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” James 5:16 ESV. I hope that helped and I’m praying for you. 

[brookscharis]

how media effected my belief in Jesus Christ

This was originally written during January 2020 

It’s around a week into the Daniel Fast and I’ve already confronted a lot about myself. Or, rather, the Holy Spirit has brought it to my attention. I’m a very selfish person if my ways of living are up to me. I’ve lied to people and pretended to enjoy their company. I’ve completely negated my relationship with God for acceptance from people. I’ve not only hated others but hated God as well, which is breaking the two biggest commandments. I need help, desperately.

And I’ve been researching about Islam and what Muslims believe. It’s clear to me from testimonies of Christians converting to Islam that the story is usually catalyzed by the Muslim’s expression of their faith – either through verbal articulation or physical representation. They share their faith and rep it. Christians, not so much.

We’re very conservative and reserved about Jesus. I think the statistic is like 7% of all Christians share their faith in total… that’s horrendous. Doesn’t the Bible raise the concern of people not knowing about God because no one has told them? And this realization has led me to examining myself. What have I done in the past few years to share Jesus with the world? Why am I so ashamed of telling my friends that I went to church to celebrate New Year’s as a 20 year old?

I’ve been led to a couple conclusions or reasons, one being: the Media. The other being: lack of understanding what I believe. These two make an insidious combination. Besides demonic influence, there’s an absence of spiritual elements within most television and movies. And Horror films with themes related to Jesus or Christianity, paint God to be far less powerful than the enemy. Which… is not true. For one, the devil is a created being that was kicked out of God’s kingdom. These lies and the mocking of church and Jesus in TV/Film brings no encouragement for those who want to live for God. Specifically tweens and teenagers. And considerably less encouragement for young people of color (due to poor representation in Christian media outside of YouTube). Apparently, Christianity is a white and over 30 only club – but we can move on.

When kids grow up learning Bible stories in church with no guidance of how these fragments connect to the overarching story of salvation, church becomes A Building Mom Makes Us Go To, not a place of spiritual fortification. Lack of biblical knowledge or defenses for ones beliefs against secular culture, popular music, and the 9 year old atheists in your Gifted and Talented program makes out Jesus to be a burden that isn't so light. That’s what happened to me.

I loved the Cheetah Girls, the Bratz movie, and a British Nickelodeon movie entitled Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging. Although these films were my model for friendship, dating, and cute matching ensembles, I saw no relevance for my Sunday (and sometimes) Thursday or Wednesday attendance at church. These characters didn't have to take a course on abstinence. They didn’t have to take communion. They didn’t believe in a man who looked like Kenny G dying and raising from the dead. It was all really hard to believe and conceptualize anyway and on top of that, the Cheetah Girls weren’t doing it – why should I? Acceptance at school (my world) came from cute clothes, accessories from Claire’s, boys, and talent among, like, 1000 other things unrelated to a relationship with Jesus. Even claiming to be “spiritual” is more attractive, to a point where I put my trust and hope in charging a pink stone in the moonlight before ever wanting to embrace my heart’s longing for God.

Basically, now I see how outside influences were like weeds to choke out my blossoming relationship with Jesus. And because of this realization, I’m articulating and representing the beauty I find in being a Christian so other believers who look like me, specifically my age and younger, can be encouraged. But also, so misconceptions can be dissolved by truth for anyone who feels lost, like I did.

Another something I haven't written about yet is how an intimate relationship with Jesus is usually initiated through hardship and/or the desire to let go of a past life that brings feelings of shame. It makes me think… what were my parents doing to have found Jesus?! It takes a lot to really take a relationship with God seriously. Outside of children, I have yet to know anyone who loves Jesus just because. A closeness with God is inherently threaded with a piercing awareness of ones own pain or shortcomings. The evidence of how limited and weak we actually are piles up as we experience more and more life. And in the desperation to be a better person, we fail. Again and again, we keep failing. How could we ever please a God who needs us to earn His approval? I would fail, again and again.

And as I gain my own understanding of what it means to follow Jesus and be a Christian, the more beautiful this faith becomes. I don’t have to reach up to God and beg Him to love me, He already has and He knew I would need that love. He’s loved me before I ever knew I needed it. As a baby, kid, tween, adolescent, even through being a young adult, I had no idea that I would need salvation. I believed in Heaven and knew there is a Hell but I never understood the necessity of Jesus aside from claiming that I believe in him. The idea of God’s wrath freaked me out, but as I understand it now, God wants the best for us (hence, He’s the “Perfect Father”) and we love breaking His law of what it means to be good and righteous. Therefore, with such incessant disobedience, it’s fair to get upset with us. This makes God’s wrath just.

Marvelously, God doesn’t hate us or want us to be banished from Him. But, in order to be worthy of paradise with Him forever, we have to be perfect like Him. Which we’ll never be, like I said before. We will fail again and again, therefore, we can never pay our debt for the sins we’ve committed against God. And that’s why Jesus is such a big deal. He paid our bail so we could get off free. He gives us safety and eternal peace with God if we believe in what he did for us. In turn, we don’t take advantage of this grace. We take responsibility for our actions and do our best to obey Him. And when we inevitably fail, we don’t have to be scared of our Father since nothing can separate us from His love. We just try again.

I used to think that Christianity was full of hypocrites who wanted to escape reality and suppress what it means to be human. But really, Christianity is the utter embrace and full revelation of how human we actually are. No matter how impressive we appear, intelligent or talented we may be, humans are dependent, needy, desperate, fragile and imperfect. Belief in Jesus, not only calls for our acknowledgment of reality (trials and suffering) but trust in the deeper reality of Jesus being the King of Kings and having all power – and He’s on our side. We fail and fail and need love from a perfect God. And most of all, I love how His grace and mercy isn't coming from a place of condescending pity but of true compassion because He knows what it’s like to be a human.

It may sound far-fetched, but that’s faith. We all get to choose who and what we believe in. Personally, I want to serve a God who possesses all power to do whatever He wants and yet spares His wrath, opens His arms, and even cares so deeply for us that He didn’t come to Earth to be worshipped, but to serve His creation. I like believing in Jesus.

[brookscharis]

how to own your story

I have to share my shortcomings and weaknesses. I refuse any space for the enemy to put me in a little box lined with mirrors so I can hatefully stare at myself from every angle. If I was to live for myself and fulfill a self defined purpose, I would only focus on my strengths and show off my greatness - my great taste in music, clothes, media, etc. But now that God has revealed Himself to me and showed me how, compared to Him, I’m not great at all, I’ve allowed Him to fulfill His purpose for my life. Which is the same for all believers ––  to make Him and His greatness known, not our own. 

I wrench and twist with embarrassment and pain when I think about the things I’ve done. How I’ve treated people and even how powerless I feel in the present. I lack the clarity to truly see my actions or know if I’m still perpetuating the same patterns. The enemy tells me that I’ll never get it right, that I will always be in this infant state of never changing. But, good thing satan is named, “the Father of Lies.” It’s true that I will never get it right, that’s what helps me to stay dependent on God. I am an infant in the eyes of God, I’m His child and He’s my Father. However, I am a new creation that God has began a good work in that He is faithful to finish. 

I worry that I don’t deserve the mercy of God, even though I know I don’t. His mercy is a gift that doesn’t depend on what I do or who I am, but it’s just who He is. I often ask myself how I have the audacity to represent God when I’ve been so mercilessly selfish and defiant toward authority in my past. But it’s not audacity, it’s being obedient despite how I feel, we are called to be ambassadors of the Kingdom. I know I’m unworthy of the calling because I struggled with (and still struggle) with hating anyone and anything that got in the way of my desires. I played favorites and I never took no for an answer. And it was praised as “ambition” and being “determined”. But really, it severed close friendships in my life and led me to diva levels of pride. 

At the beginning of my Junior year in college, I cut off friendships that I had for 2 years -- cold turkey with no warning. As soon as I made that decision, I instantly regretted it and decided to run away from the seeds that I planted. I was interested in studying abroad, not by coincidence but because of convenience. It didn’t matter where I was going or what the program actually entailed, I impulsively poured all of myself into the process of fleeing the continent. I moved out of my dorm before Christmas break and went home to wait until February to leave for Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. 

While I was home, I kept replaying the details over and over. I cut off one in person and three others through Instagram DMs. I would jump from regret to “that’s what they get!” incessantly over and over again. My sudden rejection toward them felt justified because I felt like an outcast in the group, I only liked hanging out with one of them. Even though they would include me in plans sometimes, I had difficulty understanding the inside jokes or feeling wanted. I had a favorite friend and started developing friendships with the others because she was friends with them. I was fake, but I blamed them for a long time. I had so much resentment toward them that swelled into pride and it blinded me. It took being home, 3 months after cutting them off to realize that I was running from them because I was wrong. I despised the connection they had with each other to the point where I didn’t even value them as people. I let hatred and jealousy keep me from respecting them enough to end a 2 year friendship face to face. I was a coward. I hated myself for a very long time. Every day my brain would go on a loop, “you’re toxic, you’re trash, you’re emotionally abusive, you’re a narcissist, you’re an abuser.” My thoughts were debilitating me and I let them, I felt like this was the proper punishment for what I did. I felt like I needed to condemn myself. 

But rewind to before I made it home for Christmas break, I was in the Chicago airport and I missed my flight. I had a layover for about 2 hours so I decided to find a place to chill. While sitting down and thumbing through YouTube video recommendations on my feed, I found “Wretched TV.” The first video I saw was of a tall skinny, Abraham Lincoln looking white man on a podium debating theology with college students. They asked the hard questions about Christianity that I could never answer as a believer. I was captivated by the certainty and logic of the man’s answers and I found myself going down a rabbit hole. I thought this was my first introduction to the world of apologetics, however, before this I saw Preston Perry do the same thing in a more conversational manner on his channel “BOLD TV”.

“Wretched TV” led me to “Living Waters Ministry” videos and that channel changed my life forever. This was the first time someone ever broke down the gospel for me in a way that I could understand. I could see the full magnitude of my sin and the holiness of God. Ray Comfort (the guy in those videos) referenced the verse, “No one is good, no not one.” (Romans 3:10) And in that moment, I had a hope that I couldn’t explain. I felt like I was a good person before I did my friends dirty, but now that I made that mistake, I was a good as filthy rags to be disposed of. But this man, Ray Comfort, was telling me – actually, a stranger that he was interviewing in his videos – that we are all in danger of eternal punishment, even if we think we’re a good person. Because to be “good” is to be morally excellent, which only God is. The standard isn’t even based on doing “good” things or deeds in order to appease God, it’s placed on doing it from a genuine heart posture that wants to serve God. “All have fallen short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23) After I watched one video, I watched another, and another and another. The questions I had about faith that I was never comfortable enough to ask in church were given answers in these videos. I finally felt like I was getting it! I finally saw Jesus as the God who doesn’t want to condemn me for my life of sin, but wants to save me from my life of sin. 

Even though I grew up in church, I never heard the gospel as it’s own separate message, it was always just sprinkled into the sermon –– that Jesus died on the cross for our sins. I didn’t know what that meant and I didn’t really care. I knew that to keep things peaceful in my home, I needed to go to church with my family and pray before I ate dinner. Later on in high school and early college, when I was distant from God and believed in astrology, law of attraction, angel numbers, and pursued a same sex relationship, I still prayed in Jesus’ name. I knew of Him in a religious sense, but not in a personal way. In 2018, when I had enough of the confusion and darkness of new age beliefs, I surrendered everything, including my sexuality to God –– I fasted, worshipped, went to church, and was even baptized –– but I did all of this from the wrong place in my heart. I did it to earn favor and love from Jesus, I did it because I wanted Him to change me and make me a better person. I didn’t know that He already loved me so much that He sacrificed His own life for me, before I ever wanted Him. He did that just in case I wanted a relationship with God. Just so I could be saved from the torment of sin and be right with Him. I was already favored and chosen by Him. Even while I was His enemy, He kept me and protected me. Once I realized that, I clearly saw Jesus as my savior and friend. It didn’t feel like a religious story anymore, it became reality and I could clearly see that there is no other way to the Father. I want to know Him more out of gratitude, not obligation. If it wasn’t for the Holy Spirit drawing me near to God, if it wasn’t for those videos popping up on my feed to share the gospel with me, if it wasn’t for God’s word being truth and Him revealing it to me –– I would still be tormenting myself over my mistakes. 

Like Romans 8:1 says, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Actually, you should take the time to read all of Romans 8. 

We are not the hero in our story, it’s always God. He is our Redeemer and our Restorer. If it wasn’t for God’s mercy on me, I would not have this blog. I would not post Tik Toks about His love and how to grow closer to Him. I would be bound by the past and the opinions of others would still be my god (I still struggle with this, but I’m learning how to surrender more and more everyday). I am a new creation with a heart of flesh and not stone, I was spiritually dead and now I am alive, I was truly lost but now I am found. I was blind but–– ya’ll get the point.

I did nothing to be in this position. I didn’t see much of a choice when deciding to follow God or continue in the darkness and confusion of my life of sin. I hated my life, so I gave it away. Like Matthew 16:25 (NIV) says, “For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it.” He is love. One of the reason why I fell in love with following Jesus is that, as humans, we are to fully embrace how in need of God we are. How is anyone supposed to know Jesus as a savior if we front (or pretend) like we don’t need saving? The Christians around you who model being “perfect” need the most prayer because that’s pride. If we boast in our weaknesses, that’s when Christ’s power rests upon us (2 Corinthians 12:9). There’s no need to project a god-like image when Jesus didn’t even do that Himself (Philippians 2:5-11).

Your story is never supposed to show how strong and great you are, but how merciful and present God is in our times of trouble. When we are afflicted, He is with us. When we afflict others and do them wrong, He corrects us and is merciful. Share His greatness so other’s can have the same hope that you feel from reading my story. It’s not about us and it’s not about our reputations. It’s about making Christ known.

[brookscharis]

christian girls & pornography

Ever since I posted a Tik Tok video with the same title as this post, my inbox has been flooded with girls and grown women who struggle with the same temptation that I have.

It might be pretty jarring to come across a Christian girl talking about her struggle with pornography but, it happens. And if my DMs are only .0001% of the population of Christian girls who struggle with lust, then I’m pretty sure every 1 in 2 girls probably has a secret habit of this too –– not even exaggerating. Women are humans with sexual urges too, just because we love Jesus doesn’t mean we don’t wanna do the do (after marriage, of course). But that’s where the struggle starts. As a single woman, we know that it’s God’s will for us wait until MARRIAGE. How can you wait that long and not explode? How is it even practical in terms of knowing your body before your husband does? It leads to a lot of curiosity about sex and a need to understand why it’s so forbidden. 

I saw my first pornographic video as a computer pop-up at 8-years-old. Since that day, it opened a curiosity about sex and what that entire “grown-up world” was about. Like any kid who grew up with the internet and didn’t know something, I googled “sex”. You can only imagine what I got myself into. It’s almost funny but it’s actually super traumatizing. I was bound to watching porn until I was a Sophomore in college. I always felt wrong and knew it wasn’t right after I finished, but I just took the few green lights from articles I found online about the joyous health benefits of masturbation and plugged my ears to my conscience screaming at me. I googled, “Is masturbation bad?” and of course, nothing but, “Nooooo, noo not at all! It’s healthy! It’s good for you to know your own body! It’s good for you to know what you like!” was all that I found. I didn’t think to google, “Is masturbation a sin?” I was 8, but maybe I would’ve had confirmation of the bad feeling that I had on the inside if I asked that question. Because, yes, masturbation is a sin (Matthew 5:27-30). Someone close to me could’ve told me this too, but that would mean admitting that I watch people have sex in my spare time... nah, I’m good. I isolated myself and felt so overwhelmed with shame. No one could know I dealt with this, I hid it and swore I would take it to my grave. But, like the saying goes “what is done in the dark comes to light” and my issues manifested in other ways. This habit led me to lust after my friends (bi-curiosity), feeling like a baby for being a teenaged virgin, and seeking validation from boys by wearing revealing clothes that I never actually felt comfortable in. 

The question that I get asked the most is, “how did you conquer it?” How did I overcome, stop the habit, break the stronghold?

A little backstory. 

So, my lifestyle and spiritual practice at 19 years old was anti-Jesus. I was down for anything, pretty much, except submitting my life fully to God. I didn’t have a religious affiliation, I just considered myself “spiritual.” My open-mindedness landed me in a toxic relationship with one of my closest friends who I knew was bisexual. When we began talking, we bonded over the law of attraction, manifestation, angel numbers, and we confessed to each other that we both watched porn –– it was attractive to her. Fast forward, after much emotional manipulation on both ends (I used her for validation and attention, she did the same), I ended it and I was ready to get serious about God. You see, I grew up a Pastor’s kid in church my whole life, I knew better and I was rebelling. I wanted the peace that surpassed all understanding, I wanted contentment, joy, and favor. That Christmas break, when I went back home from college, going to church felt different. I was engaged and hungry, I was spiritually poor and starved. That’s when my pastor read Matthew 6:33, “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” That’s all I needed and I started pursuing God like never before. I blocked her number, I went back to school after my break and got rid of everything I owned that didn’t please God. I switched up the music that I was listening to, I fasted for the first time (and made it a real spiritual challenge for myself in order to get the most out of it), and I cut back on hanging out with my friends at the time. That’s when I stopped watching porn entirely, and it’s been a year since. Four months since I fell into masturbation. 

Now, I understand how that didn’t really answer the question. That’s because there’s nothing that we can do to conquer anything, but abide in God. It’s the Holy Spirit that gives us a desire to live for Him, He speaks to us and called us to Himself before we say to ourselves, “I think I’ll give Jesus a chance.” That’s Him choosing you! There’s a moment when you snap out of it and notice how you’ve been living in the scraps of what this world has to offer, that moment for me was blocking the girl I was dating. Everything that represented that life had to go, from posters to clothes to what I watched online. I refused to be enslaved to that sin and I surrendered my sexuality over to my Creator.

One thing I want you to take away from this is that we are not the hero in our story. We don’t vindicate ourselves or conquer anything, God is our hero and Savior. It’s through Christ that we are more than conquerors. Not through our own strength or practical tips. 

But they do help! Here are a few:

1) Guard your heart - don’t watch shows/movies or listen to music that’s centered around sex or has a lot of sex scenes in it. Otherwise, it will trigger you.

2) Be mindful of the company you keep - when you want to break free from sexual sin, you won’t find the support or good influences you need if your friends encourage casual sex. Entertaining conversations about sex might be triggering, too.

3) Remember that it takes physical effort and restraint to stop - this isn’t passive, you have to literally refuse and fight against it. 

4) Call on the name of Jesus - forreal, tho.

5) Tell someone - it doesn’t have to be right now but, tomorrow isn’t promised and confessing your sins will set you free. James 5:16.

You’ve probably tried all of that and it didn’t work, that’s because it will never be enough. You’re not strong enough to resist something as desirable and satisfying as sexual sin, as humans (even Christians!) we love sin. There’s something in us that can’t get enough of it –– unless we love something even MORE than we love sexual sin. We must love God, He is our strength. The more time you spend with Him (reading His word, praising Him, worshipping Him, learning more about Him) the more you’ll be disgusted by sin. God changes your desires and you’ll get to a point where you can’t even bring yourself to open that website again. It’s a fight against the Spirit and the Flesh, principalities, and powers, it’s not one you can just grit your teeth and power through –– ya need Jesus! 

Some of you will leave this post and have the spiritual motivation to spend some time with God for a few minutes, then you’ll be bored. You’ll think to yourself, “I really want to stop falling into this sin, but I guess I don’t want it enough because I keep falling asleep when I read the Bible.” That’s not true, beloved. We’ve all been there. Your level of engagement has nothing to do with how badly you want God to work in your life, you need the Holy Spirit to help you. Pray to your Heavenly Father and ask Him to give you the Holy Spirit so that you will enjoy and look forward to knowing more about Him. 

This temptation can either destroy your relationship with God or bring you closer to Him. He can break this thing off of you, but it will be His working in you — completely. He fights our battles, our job is to be still and abide in Him. The more you love Him, the more you’ll hate sin because sin separates *you* from the One that you love, Him. However, it never separates *His* love from *you* (Romans 8:31-38), we can begin to feel distant and guilty which leads us to continue because we feel too far gone anyways. That’s a lie from the enemy. The more you sin, the farther you stray from God, but He never will give up on you. Read Luke 15, it’s never too late to come home — it’s all about having a relationship.

God could instantly deliver you from this but, how would that change your heart and bring you closer to Him? You would be grateful for a bit, then you might slip into another temptation to replace the porn. It’s through a relationship with God that your heart changes and you will not desire any sin. Because outside of looking at others with lust by watching porn, are you a liar? Do you steal? Are you disrespectful to your parents? Are you easily angered and offended? If you are, you’re guilty of more than just watching pornography, you’ve committed crimes against God. But, He loves us so much that He sent Jesus to take our punishment for the sins we committed. Jesus experienced God’s condemnation so we never have to, all we have to do is trust that God’s punishment for us was finished in Jesus’ sacrifice and repent – turn from our old ways and be a new creation. We don’t do this in our own strength, we do this through the Holy Spirit, there’s no way any of us can be more like Jesus without His help. If you truly accept Jesus (not just say the Sinner’s Prayer but allow it to change you), you won’t just go to Heaven, but you’ll receive the love, validation, contentment, and the intimacy that you’ve been searching for here on Earth. 

I haven’t arrived fully to this point yet, it’s a process to become satisfied in Him as a Child of God. At times I fear that I haven’t really surrendered my life, there’s a lot that I still want to control like people’s perceptions of me and making sure nothing impedes on my nap time. However, I don’t doubt that God is greater. It takes time and devotion to love Him, I will continue to learn how to love Him for the rest of my life. But with love comes trust and trust leads to obedience, it’s like that for all of us.

God is not mad at you, He’s not ashamed of you, He doesn’t find you embarrassing and He is NOT disappointed in you. He loves you and He will fight this for you, all you need to do is receive His love by surrendering your life to His purpose for you and start living as the new creation that you are. You are a daughter of the Most High God, no longer are you a slave to sin. 

“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13 NIV