bruhwhyth0

[bruhwhyth0]

WHY THO?

Jesus Christ I was really hoping I’d never have to do this again. I honestly don’t know what is worse, having to watch another shitty movie or rereading my old blog posts and realizing that they were lower in quality than the movies I was reviewing. Fortunately it doesn’t really matter because I know for a fact that my -2 followers don’t seem to mind. But here I am. Once again I must swallow my pride and sumit myself to literal torture all in the name of a grade. To my suprise choosing a crappy movie was almost as difficult as watching one. So many options. So much low hanging fruit. However movies of this nature can always be a mixed bag. I remember when I first started this blog a few years ago some reviews never left my drafts because I didn't have much to write about. Sometimes a movie is so mediocre, so bad, that it can’t even excel at being an awful pile of crap. I chose to write about bad movies because I figured it would be entertaining. You’d think some films, in their own demented way, could at least entertain. But no. Can’t even get that right. I’d find myself at 2’o’clock in the morning looking at my notes only to realize that I basically wrote nothing. All I had was a lingering sense of regret and confusion; like I’d just woken up from a drunken one night stand. All I could do is ask myself, “What the hell did I just watch?” So as I revisit this deserted island I call my blog for what most likely will be the last time, I want to make sure that it is worth it. If I’m going to verbally assault a movie, I’m going to make sure it is an easy target. That was my thought process at least. I soon realized that just because a movie is easy to write about, that doesn’t mean it is easy to watch.

So what movie did I force upon my soul do you ask? Why CATS of course. Because who doesn’t like Cats? Everyone loves cats. What’s not to love about an ungrateful and rude animal that walks around your house like it owns the place. An animal that bites, scratches, and claws at anything it deems unworthy. “Let's make a movie, based off the perverted 80s Broadway production that centered around these literal spawns of Satan,” said every Hollywood executive with their head up their ass. As a matter of fact they thought it was such a good idea that they dropped 95 million U.S. dollars on it.

Now before I continue, as I typed “cats budget” in my google search bar, take a guess what came up after “cats bu..”. CATS BUTTHOLE SMELL. Are you fucking kidding me? What the hell is wrong with people? I tried recreating it in the search bar to screenshot but I couldn’t get it to come up, but trust me. I know what I saw. What is it with cat people man? Seriously. Really threw me off my train of thought.

But yeah, 95 big ones. A lot of good things could have been done with that money, but nope. We needed a live action adaptation of Cats. Did anyone who thought this was a good idea even see the play? That shit was weird. I didn’t watch it, cause, well why the hell would I?

But from the bare minimum research that I did do, the general consensus was that it was a shitty play that made lots of money because people are dumb and will watch anything. I guess producers were hoping lightning would strike twice. If you saw the play you would know that there is literally no plot. It has nothing. It is literally a bunch of weirdos dressed like anthropomorphic cats dry humping each other and singing for 2 hours. I swear its target audience had to consist of lonely 12 years old, sad housewives, and perverts. I tried watching the musical just to get a general reference of the living hell I was going to put myself in only to be utterly mortified. My eyes and ears didn’t last 5 minutes. How it made all the money it did baffles me. But I’m not here to talk about this crime against humanity, I’m here to rip into its bastard child. And boy, oh boy, is there a lot to talk about.

$14.99 in and I’m already regretting my life choices. Everything in my life has led me to this moment and I really wish I could change that. Thanks to what a box office bomb this movie was, I can’t rent it anywhere. I can only buy it. Figures. You're already off to a bad start movie. 2 minutes into the opening scene and I already hate it. People walking around on all fours in fursuits, licking their genitals, singing dancing, some crappy asymmetric musical. WHY! Oh god why did people make this? What kind of furry bullshit is this? I am going to be completely transparent. I’m writing this while I’m watching the movie. I’m not even 5 minutes in and I want to blow my brains out. This is not hyperbole, I wish it was. I can’t dude. I can’t watch this fucking movie. All the characters speak in these weird haikus with British accents. I can’t. I just can’t. I don’t know what anyone is saying half the freaking time. So many made up words and phrases. It's like the script was written by some Dr. Suess rejected. I genuinely have no idea what is going on. I was really hoping that for once one of my reviews wouldn’t sound like the rantings of a madman. But I can’t help it. This crap is rotting my brain. Seriously what is going on. Maybe I’m a simpleton who doesn’t get musicals, but I shit you not there is no plot. I have no idea what the hell is going on. How do you have a movie with no plot?

It’s just singing about being cats... and their FEET. JESUS CHRIST THEY HAVE FEET. No CGI paws. BARE. HUMAN. FEET. God why. How as an actor, do you go on set, act like a literal animal and tell yourself, “yeah this is gonna pan out great.” How did they sit down and go, “I’m going to sit here, lick a fake bowl of milk, sing and dance nonsense, then proceed to lick my non-existent cat balls.” I literally watched an actor snarl directly into the camera. When I went to find out who it was, I was unsurprised to see that all the pictures of the actors were gone. Just names. With a little digging I found out it was Ian Mckellen, you know, from Lord of the Rings. Magneto from Xmen. That Ian Mckellen. Yup, and he snarled to the camera like a cat. Anything for a paycheck right? Who am I to judge, I watched 2019’s Cats for an English class. Who is really losing here, cause frankly I don’t know anymore. If I have anything positive to say about this movie is that it has less dry humping than its source material. Key word less. I better get an A for this.

An hour into the movie and I still don’t know what the fuck is going on. Some dude in overalls is tap dancing. He's a “railway cat” cause he's a conductor or something. I physically cannot do this. I'm dying on the inside. A light inside me is slowly fading. Countless abhorrent musical numbers. Too many for a man to take. To put things in perspective, I did not like Hamilton. Did I respect it for what it was? Of course. Not my cup of tea though. Hamilton was a great musical, arguably one of the best, and I did not enjoy it whatsoever. Now here I am watching Cats. Just a little perspective.

As I came to the end of the movie I saw that I missed all kinds of things. There was a love plot, some kind of contest, and villain. But that didn’t concern me. All I could focus on was how I wasted an hour and a half of my life. 

An hour and a half wasted on this.

Do you think God left us because he feared what he created? I sure as hell do. The philosophers were right. Everyday Pantheism is making more and more sense. And if not that nihilism. God is dead. God is most certainly dead. Don’t believe me? The GIF above is all the proof you need.

I was hoping that for once one of these blogs would have some sense of conformity. Some sort of cohesion. Maybe an ounce of legitimacy. But I couldn’t. There is something about these movies that drain the life from you. Every second spent looking at my computer screen I felt brain cells dying. I might as well have drunk a whole 750 milliliter bottle of Everclear. That or bang my head against a wall for 15 minutes. Either would have been just as effective; and probably more efficient.

I thought that I could improve upon the quality of my blog. When I reread my old post I realized that they had no depth. I thought maybe it was me. Right? I was 15, What did I know about good writing? No. It never had anything to do with me. Movies like Cats are such horrendous abominations of human creation, that there is literally no way to talk about them with any form of professional effort. They are shallow. There is nothing to analyze. How can you analyze garbage? Art requires respect if it wants to be reviewed and judged accordingly. Cats and films like it don’t have my respect and never will. I type this with immense pleasure. Never again. Never will I ever put myself through this bull again. Thankfully, for the last time. I can ask Why Tho?

[bruhwhyth0]

The Emoji Movie

At this point in time I don’t even know what to say. I guess I could start with the movie. It’s bad. Just bad. It takes every trope from every bland kids movie and shoves down your throat. When you include all the advertisement of other apps it gets really annoying. The whole I’m different and then I mess up so no one likes me, so I go on a journey, save the day and discovers that being different is ok. It gets old, real fast. The And don’t even get me started on the lazy idea. Emojis? Really? Just pure Hollywood laziness. And don’t even get me started on the similarities between this movie and Rekt It Ralph. I also don’t understand as to how the message app controls the entire phone. Doesn’t make much sense. This is honestly the movie I have had the least interest in watch. For the first time I fell asleep while watching a bad movie for my blog.

But none of that matters. I barely remember anything about the movie let alone care enough to talk about thing. But I guess that what I am supposed to do right? Well at this point that's getting kind of hard to do. Especially when requires me watching god awful movies, it's probably why I’ve stopped doing my blogs altogether. I’ve lost my passion. My desire to write about these terrible films is gone. I don’t know why but I have been in kind of a funk lately and it's been hard to care about a lot of things. Things like my blog. I am not trying to make excuses, as a matter of fact I really don’t know what I’m doing. Maybe I’m venting? Cause I genuinely have stopped caring. It’s the end of the year, and I have become exhausted. How, I don’t know, I really shouldn’t feel this considering that I am barely sixteen. Why I am typing this I don’t know, it's not like anyone reads my blog in the first place. It doesn’t matter, all I know is that I have to do my blog.

[bruhwhyth0]

I Am Number 4

This movie was doomed from the start. Not only was it a film adaptation of book, it was a film adaption of a crappy book. The book is one of those Where the main character is a teen with special powers, who is also the son of a god or an alien, who has to juggle being a teen and fighting off the forces of evil. Its dumb. Its cliché. its boring. And basically like every other movie I have seen for this blog, out right bad. The only reason I even chose this movie is because I remember watching it as a kid and thinking how awful it was, and thanks to Netflix's awful selection I was able to experience that awfulness for a second time. 

So the movie centers around this teenage alien who finds himself stranded on Earth and is the last of his kind. Did I mention he has superpowers? Or that the aliens who killed his kind are on Earth looking for him? Original I know. Point is he’s forced to always be on the move and can’t draw any attention to himself. The movie starts off with him at a beach party with his powers going off and his alien side showing, and this brings up an important issue I’d like to discuss before moving on. What exactly makes this dude alien? Is he wearing a costume? Does his species look human? Is kinda like a superman thing? I don’t know how to describe it other than dumb. Maybe it’s the cynic in me, maybe it the fact that I’m writing late at night, but I can’t get myself to be more descriptive than that. So with his powers all out of whack, the main character, John, finds himself in extreme pain with everyone at the beach party recording him and calling him a freak.  And the worst part is they left him unconscious on the beach. Like who does that? At least this movie got one thing right, people suck. So his alien guardian or whatever finds him on the beach and tells him that the have to leave because he is all over the internet, so they pack their things and leave town. 

They end up moving too a new city where John falls in love, makes a new best friend, and basically all the other clichés that come with this kind of plot. The whole bulk of the movie feels more about coming of age rather being the last of your kind. He ends up having to fight the ex of the girl he's talking, who's also the bully of his new friend. In one scene the bully and his buddies mess with them by using military grade night vision goggles. These googles can be anywhere from $500-7,000, so for 10 of them to all have seems a excessively pointless, however all the sequences with bully don’t do much for the plot anyway, so I guess it doesn’t matter.

Where things get really ludicrous is when the story gets to John’s friend Sam, apparently his missing dad knew about the aliens and had a halve to a special rock that John had the other half too. Supposedly his dad had a lot to do with the whole alien thing, but you really don’t learn much about that because there never was a sequel to this movie. I’m guessing that the book was part of a series, however the movie must have flopped so bad they never got to continue, and thats probably for the best. 

Towards the end of the movie the evil aliens catch up to John and his friends and a battle ensues, a really lame one at that. Tacky explosions left and right combined with horrendously choreographed fight scenes left me yawning. It felt really anti-climatic too, 4 kids killing 20 aliens and blowing up a whole school in the middle of Ohio. What an ending. However like I said before I don’t think the writers were planning on the story ending here. At the end of it all Sam, John, and some other girl who is also an alien super hero(in no way worth mentioning earlier), ride off into the sunset looking for more of their kind. 

There are so many things wrong with this movie. It leaves so much unanswered, has hundred of plots, and is 2 hours long. This movie was supposed to be the first of many, fortunately for me that was not the case. 

[bruhwhyth0]

Wild Wild West

I don't even know where to start with this one.The story takes place in a post Civil War America with a steampunk/sci-fi twist. It follows U.S. Marshal James West (Will Smith) has to stop Southern Inventor from over throwing the U.S. government. To make a long, not so interesting story short, James West saves the day.

 I didn't even know this movie existed until a few weeks ago, and had it not been for Netflix's mediocre selection, I doubt I ever would have. It's kind of to be expected from a Will Smith steampunk western. Yup, you read that correctly, a Will Smith steampunk western, and I had though that I had seen it all. Honestly though, I am also kind of surprised with the quality of the film, it is probably the best of the bad movies so far. But on the other hand the bar hasn't been set so high so I can't give it too much credit. This movie is just meh. It doesn't really excel at anything. It's not hilariously terrible like the room, but its not good either. Its just and other box office flop that bit off way more than it could chew. It is just meh. 

The only scene that really left a bad taste in my mouth is right at the beginning where you can Will Smith blurry junk for .3 milliseconds, twice. Normally in most movies this wouldn't be such a big deal however it just felt unnecessary for the cinematography, and there's also the fact that it was Will Smith, but even that is scrapping the bottom of the barrel. This movie is just all around disappointing. unlike some of the other movies my list, this one actually had a chance. Sadly its all concept and no content. Like an empty shell.

The big issues that I found with this movie is the fact that I didn't know what it wanted to be, I'm assuming an action-comedy with hints of satire, but it was just poorly executed. It tried to pull a 50/50 action to comedy ratio and it didn't work out. All it did was mess with the flow of the movie. You can't have too much of both. That in combination with the setting made for a lackluster experience. Oh, and that Will Smith song at the end only added salt to a very painful wound.

[bruhwhyth0]

Batman And Robin

Before I get started, I need to get something out of the way. My review/rant/whatever, may be a little more bias than usual. This is because of the fact that my first real introduction to Batman and superhero movies in general, was the 2008 movie the Dark Knight. I saw the movie a year or so after it came out and the bar has been set very high since. However, Batman and Robin was a product of its time where almost all superhero movies were goofy and dumb. It came before the era of darker and more mature superhero movies, but that does not excuse it from it’ faults, and there are many. 

One of this movie’s biggest issue’s is how boring it is, although this may just be me. In most blog posts I find myself giving a summary of the movie but I found this movie so forgettable that I didn’t find it necessary. However, I’ve also noticed that my tolerance for these types of movies has gotten smaller and smaller. It’s gotten the point where it feels like a chore and it kind makes it hard to pay attention.

After finishing the movie I found that the root to all its problems is the fact that the entire movie feels like a lame Saturday morning cartoon. I know that this movie was marketed towards children but still even kids have standards. The only age group that could have remotely enjoyed this had to be the ages of eight or younger. And I feel that the writers got lazy because they knew that they could get away with it. For example, they made Dr. Freeze’s backstory very convoluted. He was a scientist who was working on a cryogenics program so that he could put his dying wife on ice so that she could survive until he developed a cure. While conducting an experiment something went wrong and it messed with his body. But my question is why did turn evil? No one did him dirty. No one back stabbed him. So why? My only guess is that the writers did this as a cheap way to get the audience could feel bad for Freeze, and in doing so created the biggest plot hole in the entire movie. It also turns out that Alfred has a niece from London, who does not have a British accent? Really? Is it that hard to cast the right actor? Did no one want to do this movie that bad? 

Overall the movie is just so cheesy. Bane was made by a generic, text book mad scientist. Freeze has hockey stick wielding henchman, a side kick named Frosty, and lives in an ice castle. Batman has a credit card in his utility belt and apparently there is something called the Un-United Nations. All of this combined with the cringy one-liners makes for a bad time. The only thing that I liked about this movie was it’s re-imagining of Gotham and even that got a little weird.

Lastly, I must address my biggest issue with this movie, the infamous bat-nipples. Anyone who has seen the 1990 Batman movies will know what I'm talking about. 

Why? LIKE WHY THO!?!? Who in their right mind thought that this would be a good idea. Is it always cold in Gotham? Like whats the deal.

As I continue down this rabbit hole of god awful films I can’t help but find myself fading away when watching these movies. It’s like half of me is there and the other half is just starring at a blank screen. I think I just might go and watch the Dark Knight.

[bruhwhyth0]

The Cat In The Hat

So recently I was beginning to consider watching a bad Christmas movie just to get in the spirit of the holiday. And as I started to think about what I wanted to watch, I decided I would watch the live action version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas. But as I started to watch the movie, I began to realize that the movie wasn’t entirely terrible, and sort of enjoyable in some cases. It was at that moment that I was reminded of an other infamous live action Dr. Suess film, The Cat In The Hat. And I have to say, that this was one of the better movies that I have for this blog, but in no way does that mean that this movie is good. This movie is bad, form the ugly set design and ascetic, to… everything really.

The movie centers around a brother(Conrad} and a sister(Sally) who have stay at home without making a mess in the house. They have to do this because their mother is hosting a party for work, and if the house is a mess, her boss will fire her. And imedietly in the first five minutes I already hate one of the main characters, Conrad. He is such an annoying character who loves to acting like a full and causing as much destruction as he possibly can. And yes, I do realize that that is the whole point of his character, and he is that way so he can grow as a character. But the thing is the movie has no character development(something I will touch on later). Another thing that I find frustrating about Conrad is how the audience is expected to root for him. For example, the main villain of this moive would have to be his mother’s boyfriend, who wants to send him to military school because of what a menace he is. He is also a little rude to Conrad when his mother isn’t looking but this mainly has to do with the fact that Conrad gives him a hard time. And I think the writers noticed the issue between the two characters and how they went about amazes me. Instead of making one of the main characters more relatable, they made the boyfriend an obvious dead beat later in the movie. A movie that doesn’t really even need a movie at all. But do you know what is worse than that little boy? The Cat In The Hat.

He is filled with so many bad jokes, puns, gags, and fourth wall breaks its annoying. Everything that comes out his mouth has to be a joke. And its all so dry. The only people who would find this funny are the same people who enjoy Two Broke Girls. I don’t know maybe its me. My brain has become so numb and can hardly fine anything funny. I mean there were a few joke that were ok, they just didn’t make me laugh. And that’s whats really sad about this movie. That its not funny and there is nothing more to it. Its just not funny. No other way to describe it.

So the movie continues like the book except for the ending. So when the kids first met the Cat, he took out a gadget that told him the kids personalities. Sally was a control freak, and Conrad was a rule breaker.

By the end of the movie, the Cat checked the kids again they were “normal”. The thing is they were exactly the same. There was so much the writers could have done, so many missed opportunities. The movie could have been an enjoyable, satisfying movie experience, instead it was just an empty shell of a movie.

I’m literally struggling to type. I cannot find the words to how describe awful this movie is. It's just bad. Just bad. I know I have to be more descriptive than that but I’m at a loss of words. I don’t know what do anymore. I feel like I need to space these blogs out more than I already have.  I need to take a break, at least for my sanity's sake. These movies are rotting my mind I can’t. I just can’t do this anymore. I want to cry. WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF. Why tho. Just why tho.

[bruhwhyth0]

Jaws Revenge

To be honest I don’t know where to start. Its just really getting harder and harder to watch these movies. When I first decided to watch bad movies for my blog, I did it with the intention to make things fun. Have a laugh. I figured maybe for once in my life I could actually enjoy doing my homework. And for the first few blogs this was the case, but as time went on these blogs became more of a chore rather than something enjoyable. When watching these films it has gotten harder and harder to pay attention, to even care. And things have never gotten so difficult until I had I decided to watch Jaws The Revenge.

The movie is just a shameless cash grab. I would also call it boring but that wouldn’t cut it. If you want to know just how dull and monotonous this movie is, go to your search bar and search up “synonyms for boring”. Read all the synonyms located under Google’s definition of the word and then you might be able to comprehend how bad this movie really is. Like most of the other movies that I have seen, this movie’s plot is lazy and loosely tied together. And as I have already discussed things like this lead to a boring uninspired plot. The film also has a lot of scenes that are poorly done or written, making them feel bland and unnecessary. That in combination with bad transitioning between the various scenes makes for a godawful experience. 

The movie is center around the widow of police chief Martin Brody(the guy who killed Jaws l) and her family as the try to escape the clutches of the Jaws number three, or four, I honestly don’t care to look it up. they really don’t explain what relation between this movie’s shark and one from the first movie. Is the shark Jaws’s cousin or brother, sister maybe? They really don’t explain. All they say is that he’s out to get “revenge”, but my question is why. Why would a shark go out of its way to hunt and kill the family for no reason whatsoever.

The movie starts of with one of the widows sons getting killed by the shark because “it was out for revenge’’. The whole thing was cliche and easy to see coming. In most cases this would be a bad thing, however I found the widow’s youngest son so annoying that I was glad to see all the signs of his inevitable doom. With her son gone the town has a funeral and memorial service in his honor. That is when the movie introduces his brother who really doesn’t seem to care about the loss of his brother. He shows little remorse and seems to be very indifferent about his brothers death. He then suggest that his mother comes live with him and his family in the Bahamas. Just like that. No mourning, no time to think about how random and strange it is for a shark to intentionally kill someone. So that is exactly what they do.

And get this? The shark follows them. Really? A shark is going to track down a family, swim thousands of miles, just to avenge a shark that died 20 years ago for terrorizing a town. Really?

One of my biggest issues with this movie is how stretched out and far fetched the story is. The whole crazy killer shark thing got played out two movies ago. Why they thought a fourth movie would be a good idea beats me. What was cool about the first Jaws is that it monster hidden and its motives relatively realistic. The shark in the first was a rogue, intelligent great white that went out of its way to kill for the sake of it. What made the monster even scarier was the fact most of the characters knew such a thing was impossible. Sharks do not go out of their way to kill humans. But three movies later and this whole thing just gets played out.

Another thing this movie failed to learn from the original was knowing when and when not to show the shark. In Jaws you don’t even know what the shark looks like until the end of the movie, and when you do you its not for that long. It shows the shark at its best and at its scariest. The GIF below is a prime example of what I’m talking about.

And yes some of the scenes are a little out-dated compared to today’s standards, Jaws never bit off more than it could chew, no pun intended. However in Jaws the Revenge, the shark is shown off a little too much, with clunky movements and animations, making it seem faker than it already was.

And that’s not have as bad as some of the other scenes were.

After a few deaths and close call with her granddaughter, the widow decides to go out to sea to hunt the shark. What I find funny about these last few scenes is how the son’s wife tries to blame him for her daughter’s close call. How was it his fault for not believing his lunatic mother. I hardly believed her. Why should he?

 After a not so dramatic argument the son sets off with the help of his friends to go find his mother. They board a small plane and begin the search. Within minutes they find her in the middle of the ocean with a monster of a shark circling her boat. So her son and friends do the most logical thing. They crash the plane into the ocean, swim to her boat and join her. 10/10 best course of course of action. Then after struggle or whatever some guy gets eaten and then they blow up the shark. But somehow the man who was eaten managed to survive. A 30 foot shark mauled/ate this man alive, then completely blew up with him still inside. And your telling me he survived? I swear the movie had to end with one big slap in the face huh? At least with that it was over. 

[bruhwhyth0]

Jack and Jill

When I first decided that Jack and Jill would be my next movie I was expecting your typical terrible, goofy comedy, but it was much worse. I feel like the main joke was the fact Adam Sandler was playing Jill, but in reality it was just sad. I can't help but feel that you can see Adam Sandler's hate for this movie while watching.

The movie centers around Jack who has his sister he hates over for Thanksgiving. Out of pity and nagging from his loving wife Jack allows Jill to stay a few more days. In those few days Jill completes a bucket list of things she always wanted to do in LA. And this is where I believe the movie went wrong. The entire movies plot feels very loosely connected. The horrible concept and the story in combination with the lack of sets and terrible transitions made for a pretty bad experience. I could never forget that was watching a movie. It honestly felt like I was watching The Room. When your watching a good movie, you tend to forget your watching a movie. Good movies are engaging and put  you in the story,and Jack and Jill just can't do that. Because of all these factors the movie just feels pointless and unentertaining.

As the plot continues it is revealed that the advertising company that Jack works for needs to get Al Pacino for a comercial, or they'll loose a sponsor. It just so happens that Al Pacino feel in love with Jill at a Lakers game, even though she didn't feel the same way. Al Pacino.

In fear of loosing his job or a lot of money Jack uses his sister to get Al Pacino to do the commercial. But Al Pacino wouldn't do it unless he got Jill, who in reality didn't care for him because she feel in love with Jack's Gardener. So Jill went back home because she was hurt that her brother was using her. Jack who feels bad visits Jill with his family on New Years Eve. Jack and Jill make up, and Jill marries their gardener or something. That was an entire 1:31 minutes.

My biggest issue with this movie is the fact that it is the worst goofy/family comedy out their, and most goofy/family comedies are terrible. That says everything about this movie. None of the jokes land. Only two could really make me laugh. The rest were a combination of gross fart and gag jokes. Their were also a few racist joke that I didn't find funny. I wasn't offended or anything, I found them just cringy or bland.

This movie is possibly the worst of the worst. I swear these movies seem to be getting worse. How I'm going to top it I don't know. However I do know for a fact that I'm never going to watch this movie again.

[bruhwhyth0]

Battlefield Earth

This is possibly the worst movie I have seen, and I hope it stays that way. Unlike the other movies I have seen, Battlefield Earth is missing an important quality. It has no charm what so ever. Although other movies like Room are bad, they at least made me laugh. They had charm. And that's why I think such movies gain a cult following. But no, not Battlefield Earth. This movie is just two hours of mind numbing hell. The movie is just straight up weird and ludicrous. To think that John Travolta made this monstrosity his passion project amazes me. He even said that the film "was like Star Wars Episode IV A New Hope, but better,". He also said, and I quote, "the Schindler's List of science fiction films,".

In case you couldn't already guess, no it is neither of these. The movie is riddled with bad acting and terrible special effects. They couldn't even get a CGI laser right. A laser. Which is supposedly the easiest thing for a CGI artist to do. And the fact that they couldn't even get a laser right pretty much says everything about the rest of the CGI. And don't get me started on the angles they used while filming. Almost every shot in the entire movie is filmed at a Dutch angle or Dutch tilt, which basically means every scene is filmed at a slanted angle. this in combination with terrible scene transitioning made for a really bad experience. Needless to say it gave me a headache.

The movie takes place in the year 3000, after humanity has been enslaved and driven close to extinction by an alien race called the Pyclones. I must say that these aliens are possibly the worst movie villains of all time. They are just so stupid and hypocritical it's ridiculous. It's possibly the worst thing about this movie. My biggest issue with them is how they underestimate humanity. They are always quick to call humans dimwitted and unintelligent while living in the ruins of Earth's cities. Really? Like a dumb animal can create that. There is nothing wrong with an over confident antagonist, but when you give them too much they end up looking like the stupid, easy to defeat villains. SPOILER ALERT, the Pyclones do get defeated. All because one of them decided to show one guy how to speak the alien language and a library. All so that he may use the human for his own personal interest.

With the knowledge that he gained, the man rallies up as many people as he can and takes them to a military base so that they can defeat the alien race. And somehow, from 30 minutes in a flight simulator, they learn to fly a bunch a harrier jet fighters. There are so many things wrong with this. First of all how are the jets still working? It"s been 1000 years since they have been touched. How do they still work, and since when does a flight simulator give you enough experience to fly? I guess these obstacles couldn't stop our heroes, because they then took these jets, blew up the aliens on Earth, then sent a nuke to their home world via teleportation. The End.

I just want to end this blog by saying I don't know. I honestly don't know anymore. My brain is just numb. As I write this, I stare at my screen blankly thinking of what to say. Maybe it is a loss of brains cells, maybe I'm just tired, who knows. All I can do is ask myself, "Why Tho?".

[bruhwhyth0]

Howard The Duck

Out of the horrible movies I have seen, Howard Duck is probably the best. However that does not mean I enjoyed it, as a matter of fact, I enjoy fake E.T. more than piece of garbage. The entire movie is just a bunch of lame one-liners that usually never hit the mark. To be honest there are a few that made me laugh but really didn’t change my opinion. 

The movie centers around Howard the Duck who gets accidentally sucked from his planet DuckWorld by some space telescope created by a bunch of scientist on Earth. Once Howard lands Earth he finds himself in a sketchy Cleveland, Where he meets this girl by saving her from a bunch of thugs. Using his Duck Fu fighting skills he rescued the girl, Beverly Swift, from the two criminals. Beverly and Howard then team up to held Howard get back home. That’s when the discover about scientists who accidentally brought Howard to Earth. They then him that the also brought some evil space demons. Howard defeats the demons an saves Earth.

When Beverly then Howard a place to stay, I realized one issues this movie. Up until that moment every person Howard encountered has been entirely afraid. and rightfully so, has a talking alien duck. But not Beverly Swift. And the funny part is that she hasn’t even met him and she is falling for him. HES A DUCK. She hasn’t even known him for five minutes. No build up, no getting to know each other, nope, they already like each other. What’s worse is the tension between the two. Needless to say, its uncomfortable. What is worse about Beverly’s character is that she is the stereotypical annoying damsel in distress with the mentality of a six year old. I would be perfectly fine with this if not for the fact that she gets so much  screen time.

And this leads me into my second biggest complaint.  It has to do with Howard the Duck’ age’s rating and the main source from which most of its jokes derive from. This movie has so many dirty jokes its ridiculous. Half the jokes in this film are dirty jokes. You literally see a naked duck lady and Howard looking at PlayDuck in the first five minutes of the movie. half way through the movie Howard ends up working at a ‘‘spa”. I’ll let you figure that one out. And when looking through Howard’s wallet Beverly finds a used condom. A used condom. This would no big deal if not for the fact that the main target audience or the majority of people who will watch it would be kids. This is a kids movie. It’s rated PG. And I know it is kids movie because they never cross the line with the raunchy jokes and gags. It walks up to the line, but never crosses.

Howard the Duck is just one of those weird movies you find while watching T.V. late at night. And I now understand as to why it was a box office flop. Would I recommend it? No. However I would suggest watching all the best on YouTube. And if you asked me to summarize this movie in a couple of words, I’d say, “Why tho?”.

[bruhwhyth0]

Mac And Me(E.T. Ripoff)

When I first start watching Mac and Me I figured it was just going to be a terrible E.T. clone designed to profit off the popularity of E.T.. Contrary to my belief, Mac and Me was much worse.

The movie starts off on this alien world where you see this weird alien family playing with dirt. Suddenly, a U.S. rover sent to collect dirt samples also collects the aliens by accident. Then the aliens are brought to earth and escape a government lab. Separated from his family, the smallest alien of the group goes on journey looking for his family with the help of a young boy named, Erik, who is bound to a wheel chair.

In the beginning the movie didn't seem so bad. Other than bad costumes and special effects, the movie seemed promising. But somewhere around the 20 minute mark it fell off the deep end. 

Like all other terrible films, scenes meant to drive the plot are lazily written and executed. Because of these scenes I started asking a lot of questions and began to notice a lot of plot holes. For example, for what ever reason Mac decides to transform into a forest Erik’s living room by bringing various rocks, plants, and trees inside. And the next morning Erik’s mom automatically thinks it was Erik. How? Erik is ten year old boy in a wheel chair how could he possible do anything. Later that Mac causes a power outage and automatically the government thinks it him.  A small neighborhood sized power outage. Throughout the whole movie adults are smart or ignorant based on what is necessary for the plot to continue. And that is not even this movie’ s biggest crime. 

The thing I despise the most about this film is the fact that it is basically one big commercial. When I first saw a coke can on screen I didn't think much of it, but as Coke products came up more and more often I knew something was up. Then midway through the movie Erik goes with Mac and a friend to a party at McDonalds. A McDonalds. And as they arrive there is a whole dance party with at least 400 people and it is choreographed  and everything. Even Mac started dancing. A few minutes later the government tracks Mac down and sends its most incompetent agents to capture him. So with the help of his brother and some friends Erik helps Mac escape and sets off to find his family. Thanks to some very contrived clues from Mac Erik and his brother find Mac’s family dying of dehydration in a desert cave. And guess what saves the day. Yup, coke saves the aliens lives. With Mac’s family reunited, Erik and friends set off to take the alien family back to Erik’s house. However on their way home they need to make a pit stop. And while Erik and his friends are distracted Mac and his family go visit a local supermarket. Because no has ever seen an alien before chaos ensues. then some calls the police, then there’s a shootout with the police and government agents, then the supermarket explodes, killing Erik. Then through some alien voodoo magic Erik is revived that's it. After that scene it cuts to Mac and his family becoming U.S. citizens and driving off in a pink 1959 Chevy Impala. Don't watch this movie you will regret it.

[bruhwhyth0]

The Room

The Room is possibly one of the worst things to come from the low budget film industry ever, which is exactly why I chose it to be the first movie for discuss on my blog. For those of you who don’t know, The Room is a “romantic drama” that centers around a bizarre love triangle between the main character Johnny(Tommy Wiseau) and Johnny’s best friend, Mark(Greg Sestro) who is having an affair with Johnny’s wife Lisa(Juliette Danielle). Even though the movie calls itself a “romantic drama” it always ends up feeling like a satire. And it is because of this reason it has gained such a cult following since its release in 2003. This movie can be so ludicrous and random at times, while watching I couldn't help myself from bursting into laughter at its absurdity. By the way, that scene in the GIF above took over thirty times to shoot, and thats the best they could do. Did you also know that Tommy Wiseau who played Johnny also wrote and directed this piece of garbage? The man who wrote the script kept forgetting his lines. I truly find funny how a movie’s best and worst attribute is just how bad it is. It almost makes this movie enjoyable, if not for how awkward and plain cringe worthy it can be at times.

Although this movies is filled with plenty of terrible scenes that make you laugh, there are some scenes that just make you uncomfortable. I guess you could call these scenes... scenes of passion. Normally this would be no big deal, if not for the fact that there were three in the first 20 minutes of the movie, and that each was at least five minutes long. That combined with the fact that these scenes make up 19 percent of the movie(yes I did the math) has got me asking why tho? 

And that made me realize just how much filler this movie really is. There are so many unnecessary scenes in this movie it is ridiculous. Even for a movie that is 1:39 minutes long it could be told in half the time. And even when a scene tries to be more than filler and adds substance to the story it does nothing with it. For example there is a scene where Lisa is talking to her mother and her mother tells her that she has stage 4 cancer like its no big deal. And instead of concern over her mothers health Lisa responds with a “Don’t worry people get cured all the time”. And do you know what the best part is? They never bring it up again. Like WHAt?!?! 

What the hell was the point of that scene then? If you weren't going to do anything with it then why have it in the first place? And there are so many scenes like this it made glad when the came to an end.

After an hour and a half of bad acting, terrible lines, and movie cliches the movie come to an end with our main character shooting himself because his wife left him for his best friend. Or something like that, I kind of stopped paying attention towards the end. 

Then literally right after his death several main characters find poor Johnny, and cry, including his wife. And thats it. Just like that it was over. And to be honest I was glad.

The Room is a film with terrible acting, a horrendous script, and characters with little to no motivation or reason behind their decisions. It’s a movie that can even make some of the recent Fast And The Furious movies look like masterpieces, and that in a way is what makes this movie fun to watch. But there are still so many things keeping it from being the perfect bad movie. First of all It is just way to long. More than 3/4 of the film can be taken out and you could still tell the same story. Another thing that holds The Room back is all its scenes of “passion”. They really make not want to watch this movie again. Although The Room is not as bad as low budget films such as Birdemic, it is still a classic worthy of the title of one of the worst movies ever. 

[bruhwhyth0]

Why Tho?

Hello! My name is Andrew I am currently a sophomore in high school and have been assigned to write a blog on a topic of my choice. So I decided to torture myself by watching god awful movies, blogging about them and asking why tho?I just ask that you keep in mind that this is a work in progress and I am an amateur writer.

With that said don’t be afraid to comment or suggest what abomination of a movie I should watch next.