brutalsmash

[brutalsmash]

still haven’t forgotten. life got insane. i injured myself twice this week and i’ve been watching my parents’ house and work was obviously overwhelming for a bit. still keeping in mind, more than anything, that i am running open armed towards happiness instead of just away from anxiety. this is my promise.

[brutalsmash]

gotta do a big writeup later. haven’t forgotten my goals, haven’t lost my vision. promise!

[brutalsmash]

day 8

BY THE NUMBERS:

wake up time: 7:00 AM (out of bed at 7:45)

left for work at: 9:00 AM (oy!!)

arrived at work at: ~9:15 AM (good!)

breakfast foods: sliced apples + 1 oz creamer and coffee = 149 cal

lunch + snack foods: tomato bacon leek quiche + .5 green smoothie = 535 cal

dinner + dessert foods: lentils + banana bread = 450

total calories consumed: around 1,130 cal

litter: done

cleaning activity of the day: washed blankets and replaced futon cover with lennon

did you meditate: no

did you brush your teeth: yes (i will)

gratitudes: my years in therapy, the fact that the bacon lentils taste better the next day, supportive friends and partners, my tattoo artist.

sitting in bed by: 10:00 PM

NOTES:

i should have gotten up way quicker, again, but no caffeine and feeling not caught up on sleep didn’t help at all. i have dreams about tattoos. i’m getting mine tomorrow but i can’t tell anyone on facebook at least until my dad goes to italy with my mom this weekend (yay them though!). i’ve been working hard to get all my work done ASAP so i can quietly leave at 2:15 and come back the next day with a crazy arm. i still don’t even know how it looks yet, though i trust my artist fully and believe it’s going to look amazing; he has my references, my notes, and is incredibly talented. he himself even said he was excited to show me, which is promising! i’ve got a lot of fun coming this week and i hope i can get back into more of a routine. it’s something i’m keeping at the forefront of my mind even when i’m not hitting each and every mark, which is meaningful to me. better than tossing it by the wayside. i’m going to sleep soon. i feel like a kid on christmas eve.

[brutalsmash]

day 7 (retroactively)

BY THE NUMBERS:

wake up time: 6:00 AM

off to the gym at: 6:45 AM

home from the gym at: ~7:45 AM

squat stats: 75lbs 5x5

row stats: none (short on time)

bench press stats: 145lbs 1x5

left for work at: 8:50 AM

arrived at work at: ~9:10 AM

breakfast foods: green smoothie = 282 cal

lunch foods: sliced apples = 89 cal

snack foods: a bloody mary (lol) = 173 cal

dinner + dessert foods: bacon lentil soup + protein pasta + tbsp of olive oil = 565 cal

total calories consumed: 1109 cal and some change.

litter: done

cleaning activity of the day: none :(

did you meditate: no

did you brush your teeth: yes

gratitudes: an easy day at work, fun coworkers, the lentil recipe my dad uses, kitties, free tickets to the event campaign i worked on!!!

sitting in bed by: 10:15 PM

NOTES:

not much to say about this day except that it was truly nice :) i’ve been a little sluggish getting out of bed lately, but i contribute that sincerely to us having run out of coffee. the hard parts are over. i’ll enjoy it while i can.

[brutalsmash]

days 3-6 notes only

it’s been a little longer than i’d have liked since i last wrote in this, but i was overwhelmed with work in a way that i didn’t think was possible at my job. i really like doing a checklist style breakdown of my week just because it’s fun to, but i have undertaken an endeavor of self improvement not to guilt myself if i don’t do something i want, but acknowledge my limits as a person and that i can’t often hit my goals (in this case, consistent logging). of course, the lesson here is to keep earnestly trying, be truthful with myself concerning my limits, and examine what hinders me (and the locus of control it has). but i digress.

this week was incredibly hard at work. i was on a really cool (and highly publicized!) project that required all my time and effort, a lot of collaboration with others, and generally just tons and tons of things on my plate all at once. i stayed late every single day except monday and tuesday and fatigue began really sinking in thursday. i worked on two additional enormous projects that needed more than one day turnarounds but, alas, by the time i could pick them up, they were due the same day. as annoying as it was, annoying being too mild of a word to describe my feelings thursday night, i helped a shitload of people and even got some really sweet feedback from another department for taking on their work. 

i worked out on all my planned days this week, and not only am i getting stronger, i had a weigh in at 124.6 lbs, 26 in waist, 36 in hips. it helped save me a pretty penny by eating home every day and cooking my own food, and i LOVE having a nice smoothie every so often! i’m trying not to go crazy counting calories, though i do count pretty diligently, and if indulge it’s usually something i’ve made at home or a nice meal out and about. i think my relationship with food is improving. it feels good.

i exercised on all my scheduled days, and even made some muscle gains. cleaning and hygeine was pretty consistent, i think i didn’t brush my teeth or do litter last night (when i got home drunk late) but so far so good! i think what i’m going to do is plan what little thing i’m going to clean in advance to stay more on track with that. this week wasn’t too terribly conducive to self-fare, but i’ve got a lot of exciting things coming this week. maybe that will help. 

this whole month is going to be crazy, but i noticed this week that even though i think the changes i’ve started to make are pretty minute, they’ve really helped in me bouncing back relatively quickly. like, i would probably be sobbing daily, injuring or begging to injure myself, or generally practicing bad containment, but i haven’t been. i’ve been frustrated, sure, but that is also okay. i’m still working on a lot, especially things like patience, not apologizing for myself, and taking a route of kindness towards myself instead of immediate put-downs.

i want to go into this more robustly, but i have a massive headache. this week i’m getting a tattoo, getting my hair dyed, getting invisaligns (or signing the contract for them), and who knows what else. hopefully i’ll be ready. hopefully.

[brutalsmash]

day 2

BY THE NUMBERS:

wake up time: 7:30 AM (out of bed at 7:45)

left for work at: 8:50 AM

arrived at work at: ~9:15 AM

breakfast foods: green smoothie + coffee with 2 tbs. soy milk = 305 cal

snack foods: blueberry cake donut = 340 cal

dinner + dessert foods: pecan crusted salmon + marzen lager = 644 cal

total calories consumed: around 1,266 cal

litter: done

cleaning activity of the day: none, though i did wash my blender in advance

did you meditate: no

did you brush your teeth: yes

gratitudes: my dad, my tattoo artist, my ad 2 chapter

sitting in bed by: 10:30 PM

NOTES:

today was pretty wild and stressful. i’m on a big, very visible project for work, which is cool, but all the stuff is due simultaneously and the specs for the deliverables aren’t terribly clear. i also have to wait a lot on others, which as someone who has a difficultish time absconding control, can be nervewracking. ultimately my share of a project due today was turned in, but it technically wasn’t the whole pack, which was bothersome. i also came to grips with a lot of reactions behind fairly mundane or nonconfrontational things -- it’s trauma! my number one fear is betrayal by a loved one. inundation with images of casual abuse on others (”prank” people on youtube come to mind) coupled with past abuse has warped my trust in people who have never wronged me, leading me to believe that eventually, for NO GOOD REASON, they will. and therefore, i have to be a mighty fortress and guard my money, food, heart, whatever. i cried about that for a bit today. i think the board of ad 2 noticed i was in a shit place, i got the last beer in the meeting. and a squatty potty! i can’t wait to use that.

went over my calories a little but overall i’m off to a good start. i’m eating more deliberately and tracking more diligently, which is the main habit i wanted to kickstart. i’m excited to go to sanwa this weekend and buy lots of yummy produce, and i’m popping into trader joes tomorrow for more stew ingredients!! YUM. i think soon i may begin a transition into lacto-ovo pescatarianism, but i’m not all the way sure yet. i uncompromisingly cannot stand animals being hurt but i have a weird sociocultural attachment to meat, while also knowing that it tastes good, so it makes the transition harder. there’s a lot to process, so i think i’ll take my time in making that decision.

tomorrow i get to see a doctor for my TMJ, do a big lift, and finish up my big project. tomorrow marks one week until i get my tattoo! lots of big changes coming to this vessel. just a few more weary days and then i’ll fly away. hallelujah by and by.

[brutalsmash]

day 1

BY THE NUMBERS:

wake up time: 6:00 AM

off to the gym at: 6:35 AM

home from the gym at: ~7:45 AM

squat stats: 90lbs 5x5

OHP stats: 55lbs 5x5

deadlift stats: 145lbs 1x5

left for work at: 8:45 AM

arrived at work at: ~9:10 AM

breakfast foods: green smoothie + coffee with 2 tbs. soy milk = 305 cal

lunch foods: new york strip steak + arugala + blueberries + mango dressing = ~243 cal (lowball)

snack foods: coffee with french vanilla creamer = 25 cal

dinner + dessert foods: curry vegetable stew + halo top salted caramel + whipped cream + cabernet= 531 cal (lowball)

total calories consumed: likely a little over 1175, 1200 at the most

litter: done

cleaning activity of the day: organized tupperware

did you meditate: no

did you brush your teeth: yes

gratitudes: my job and coworkers, lennon’s support especially at the gym, the cats, my partners reaching out, my parents helping me stay healthy and well, the doctor’s appointment i got for wednesday

sitting in bed by: 10:45 PM

NOTES:

i woke up today with the same enthusiasm i felt about keto, which ended up being a difficult, enlightening journey that lasted a little over 8 months. it was a good sign that i could still feel that sort of excitement unclouded by the cynicism i’ve accrued over the two years since finishing keto. i was happy that i hit all my exercise reps today, though i’m going to be deloading on my squat to try and break parallel more, to about 70 lbs. i’ll also likely stay at a 55 lb OHP and a 145 lb deadlift because those are hard for me to make rapid gains in; i really was flying in the deadlift category for a bit, making gains almost every week, but 155 lbs is straight up HEAVY. if my back wouldn’t give out first, my grip would. i don’t mind waiting to up the weight, it’s not a race after all, and going to the gym and trying physical activity and maybe failing is better than having not gone at all.

because of my swiftness in prepping for the gym and getting my sets done, i had ample time to make a smoothie, weighing ingredients and all, pack a lunch (also weighed), get dress and skeedaddle right at the upper threshold of my time window. traffic was DUMB crowded today so i likely would have made it to the lot right at 9, but alas, i can’t control all the cars around me (what a power that would be!). work itself was really busy but fulfilling -- i’m on a massive and very visible project for one of our more fun clients and when it’s all said and done, i’ll have a lot of good portfolio pieces for the future.

eating has been surprisingly easy. it’s just a matter of not chowing down in excess, which can be hard at a job where a lot of your clients are fooderies, but that’s why i bring my lunches! the green smoothie was the best one i’ve made yet, probably because i froze only the bananas and nothing else. new york strip on a bed of leafy greens was also smart, and because i want to use my blueberries a little before i make my blue-smoothie in a couple days, i packed some of those to eat by themselves too. that’s why i lowballed the calorie count for lunch; i logged 25 blueberries but probably ate... 35? 45? not sure. blueberries aren’t exactly like, pork rinds, so i’m not losing sleep over it.

in general i went over the calorie ceiling by a little, although i purposefully didn’t factor in exercise, and i know today “counts” in all this but it’s still an adjustment period. i’ll probably make changes to my deficit, my meal planning, whatever, so going over calories because i ate four sweet pecans and had more blueberries won’t kill me. i’ve already logged and planned tomorrow’s foods out, which i hypothesize will help me stay on track really well.

emotionally, today was weird. i’m coming back on birth control after my obligatory 1 weeks hate where i’m a touch more mentally unstable. the re-upping also feels odd, too. i feel... a little elasticky, metaphorically speaking. can be stretched any which way. at some point today i was so upset with how stupid i felt and sounded talking. this is still leftover containment problems i have to work through, where i can’t let small doubts turn into runaway trains over who i am, what i stand for, and who gets to love me. my partners, parents and friends love me dearly. i’m not burdensome, and i am trying my best.

i’ve been thinking a lot about the song “trouble man” by marvin gaye. the whole mood of the song and the lines, “i come up hard, baby, but now i’m cool.” how poetic, how EVOCATIVE. that’s shit that means something. i was raised in the weeds, now look at me. i was taught to the tune of strife, now look at me. it’s funny, when i first heard the song some time ago, i thought the line was “i come apart, baby, but now i’m cool.” which also has its own special meaning to me. even when you are struggling, you’ll be fine again. cool, even. i’m going to be coming up hard in the next few months. i hope at the end, i’ll be cool too.