bryndoessobriety-blog - Tumblr blog

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If You Haven’t Heard It Recently...

You are working on being better. That is not easy. It is not linear. Whatever you are healing from, whatever you are trying to overcome, I am cheering you on every step of the way. Every little victory means something incredible, even if you think nobody notices. It is hard. There may be bumps and obstacles along the way. But you can do this. 

It is worth it. And I am bursting with pride at how far you’ve come already. Keep going.

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“What’s done is done. But in the future, do better.”

— Renée Ahdieh, The Wrath And The Dawn

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If You Haven’t Heard It Recently...

You are working on being better. That is not easy. It is not linear. Whatever you are healing from, whatever you are trying to overcome, I am cheering you on every step of the way. Every little victory means something incredible, even if you think nobody notices. It is hard. There may be bumps and obstacles along the way. But you can do this. 

It is worth it. And I am bursting with pride at how far you’ve come already. Keep going.

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Sunburn

So this has little do to with AA but it has to do with my alcoholism. Yesterday I had the opportunity to hang out with an old friend that I have just recently made an amends to. The amends was deeply gratifying and I thank my high-power every day for giving me the ability to be humble and push my ego aside to work step 9 and 10 on a daily basis when necessary.

So back to the title - while we were hanging out yesterday we decided to go to the beach. My friend is currently 8.5 months pregnant and so she was smart and put on sunblock the entire time. I on the other hand decided to take my pasty white, Scottish will back and forgo any form of sun protection. Stupid, stupid, STUPID. Now I’m left here, burnt like a forgotten bacon slice. Tail tucked between my legs I head to the store and stock up on lotions and aloes. Never again will I do this. 

I’m sure, if anyone is even reading this, you’re wondering why the hell I’m posting about a sunburn. Well about three years ago I was laying on another beach in NH with my girlfriends. We had decided that it would be a fantastic idea to plan to get up early and sit on the beach all day and get “day-sted” which is just a buzz word for “day wasted” or “getting wasted throughout the day”. That morning we woke up, Bacardi 151 in hand along with fruit snacks, chips, towels, and cooler. Parked our behinds on a prime spot on the beach and got to it. By 4pm I was completely wasted and BURNT - to a crisp. Just the same as I am today. In my drunken stupor I decided watermelon scraps with bits not chewed off would be the only thing to soothe my aching body and proceeded to apply them directly to my body. 

I tell you this not because I want you to think it is funny. To me - it was at the time, however, looking back on it now makes me so completely sad. Sad for a few reasons and I’ll name them. One reason is because I can almost guarantee that I was extremely close to dehydration that I was seeing stars. Another reason is that I don’t remember one conversation I had with people who at the time and some still now meant a lot to me. The next morning I was on the back of a motorcycle cursing myself for yet another night of out of hand binge drinking. Lastly, I did nothing, not ONE thing to help myself. I never applied aloe, consumed no water, and did not stop drinking. 

Insanity, thats the disease. With complete and total honestly I woke up the next morning saying I was never going to drink again. I truly believed myself. Yet, again, the shame of how I acted the previous time I got drunk lured me into thinking that I needed to drink to forget the shame that was consuming my mind. Honestly, I think a part of my brain would re-run all of my worst and most embarrassing moments in pursuit of getting me to drink. I could never outthink the shame and complete disappointment I felt all the time. That was summer 2015. Wasn’t until another summer and fall came and went that I was finally shown the AA way of life and learned to forgive, never forget, and learn from the person who used to live the false lifestyle that I did back then. With that, I’ll pass.

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gentle reminder

it’s okay if you don’t like who you were, because that means that you’ve acknowledged that you’ve changed, and i’m proud of you for that - try your best to please be happy with who you are now, or continue working on who you are going to be

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You were sick, but now you’re well again, and there’s work to do.

Kurt Vonnegut (via aa-nonymous)

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The Alcoholic Brain

My thoughts of alcohol are very selective. I still put it on a pedestal. Daydreaming about the warmth in my stomach from those first few sips. The fuzziness in my head so I don’t have to CARE so much about things. The layers of shyness being stripped away and replaced with a new skin of confidence.

What I should be remembering is the pain. The spinning and the slurring and the throwing up. The anger and the screaming and the crying. The disorientation, the broken bones, the mental blackouts. 

What I should be remembering is waking up at 5am with my heart beating out of my chest and my anxiety so high I start to believe I’m dying.

I need to remember the shame. The endless apologies for words I don’t remember saying. The way my loved ones looked at me as they realized I’d let them down again. The multiple dangerous situations I put myself in that could so easily have ended up much, much worse.

I need to remember because my brain still tries to tell me I can have one drink. “Just have one! You’ll feel good, and then you can stop.” When everything in my history proves otherwise, that small part of my brain is always whispering “this time will be different…”

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So true

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Fear

Fear is sort of a double edged sword for me. On one hand I think it makes me acutely aware of my surroundings, quick to think, and also quick to make a decision. On the other side my anxiety riddled brain blasts off to the worst case scenario and imminent death that will consume me as a direct result of the source of the fear I have.

Sobriety has taught me to respect and even humanize my fear. It helps to picture my fear as a person that I could talk to and eventually talk around to relaxing or releasing the grip that it hold around me. Today I have a choice whether or not have fear. 

Today I can tell fear that it has no place in my body and kindly get the fuck out because it no longer has a place with me and cannot use my body as host for its disease-like structure. 

For those who have yet to conquer their battle with fear try this - draw what your fear looks like, give it some arms, legs, hair, maybe some teeth. When faced with fear quickly recall the caricature you drew and speak to it. Say “ You are not welcome here in my mind”, “This is not where you belong anymore”

I also recommend, as many will, prayer. There is a fantastic fear prayer in the small book “AA Meeting in a Pocket” that has awesome on- the go- sized prayers. 

Have a great day - Bryn

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Drugs gave me wings and then took away my sky

(via everythingistakentbh)