bsandsuch

[bsandsuch]

2 weeks ago was Valentine's day

I said I didn't want kids with him anymore

Then he started trying hella hard

Not "dour" anymore

How long did it last?

About a week

Then a blowout because I didn't confirm the location of my hair appt

Then sorta nice for most of this week

But this morning starting mansplaining to me about what I should have said to my mother

Which was dumb

I just wanted him to listen while I vented

So I was like why are you saying all this? I already know... I was the one telling you a story about my mom's dumb theory about Elena's daily poop count being irregular

And then he blew up

And was mad the WHOLE DAY

And said this is somehow my fault

And I am mean to him

And I need to apologize

Because...

I just wanted him to listen to me when I was venting

Friggin dumb

And he lasted less than a week of niceness

And now he is playing video games

If anything I just think about how depressing his life must be... He does so little

I got depressed at dinner for even just 5 mins of awkward silence with Elena after he went out to smoke

Ugh

Dour

[bsandsuch]

I have less and less patience for irresponsible people.

N texts me, then is like "do you have time to talk tonight?"

I say "yes" and tell her what time.

Then she says, "please forgive my forgetfulness and call me if I don't remember to call you."

I think, SET A REMINDER ON YOUR PHONE OR SOMETHING YOU DODO. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TEXTED ME ASKING IF WE COULD FIND TIME TO TALK TONIGHT.

Ugh. Adults that (somehow obliviously?) act like irresponsible children are my least favorite ppl right now.

[bsandsuch]

Responses

"Your arrogance is only surpassed by your callous ignorance and need to control everything."

Arrogance? Yeah sorry, it's hard not to be a little "holier than thou" when I'm speaking to a grown man throwing a temper tantrum over text messages because I asked for his email.

Ignorant? That makes sense. I don't know shit about my own mother's situation after growing up with her my whole life. OH WAIT, more like: who the fuck do you think YOU are, claiming to know what my mother wants & needs?

Callous? Sure, I'll take that one. I've developed a thick skin after dealing with this bullshit for 30 years.

Need to Control? Um, what are you complaining about again? You came to US because you wanted Betsy out of your house. Now you're freaking out because we aren't moving fast enough on YOUR mission. Be my guest, bro. Control away. Find my mother the housing that she needs. I'd be thrilled to stop dealing with this shit.

Last but not least - why are you insulting your ex-gf's daughter over text message again?

Please Richard, act like a fucking adult already.

[bsandsuch]

Is this a pregnancy thing?

Every picture I see looks strangely more vibrant, and every person in the photos looks unusually beautiful and well composed.

Week 10

[bsandsuch]

Bummer

Looking on the internet doesn't soothe me anymore

It just makes me all buzzy... Same state as I was trying to leave, what with this bothersome little pea inside my stomach, making me sick all the time.

[bsandsuch]

Well

I definitely made the right choice to leave ___ and join ousd

[bsandsuch]

I'm a slug

[bsandsuch]

Question

Is it pregnancy that makes me slow and boring and stupid?

Or is it unemployment?

Asking for a friend

[bsandsuch]

Ok

I guess there are a few celebration for Asians and native Americans

But it's centered in the past

It's kind of for old people

It's not current

It doesn't celebrate the future

[bsandsuch]

I feel like in the Bay

There are actually real events and venues and parties and energy that celebrate being black, or Latino, or whatever

I don't see events like that in Seattle

Just white shit

Like capitol hill block party

Like it's supposed to be inclusive

But... Real Seattle events don't celebrate being a POC

It's still underground

Or whitewashed / color blind

[bsandsuch]

Things I dislike about Seattle

It's hella pretentious and judgmental:

It doesn't matter whether it's the hipsters or the punks or the nouveau elite; everybody's got their head up their ass and thinks they're better than everyone else. Everyone's trying to be so DIFFERENT and INDIVIDUAL and it's just trite and tiring.

All my friends are horrifically emotionally immature, which also I think stems from everyone wanting to be be a kid forever; no one wants to grow up and accept that their teens and late twenties are over. Like they literally shudder at the idea of being a responsible adult who makes consistent logical decisions. It's too uncool, probably. Only squares do that.

The weather sucks, obviously.

Everyone is a flake.

Most people are unattractive. Like, the ones who are interesting and might have souls or hearts just look like shit. (Grunge and outdoor wear)

Everyone is a selfish cunt. People only band together out of desperation.

------

A few good things:

- The bones of the buildings are nice

- Strong music scene: the bands playing don't even need to be great; people still show up and rally around musicians and shows and shit and musical institutions are venerated

- Lots of greenery

- Interesting history

- Maybe this is repetitive, but the arts are respected and legitimized. It's not the same hum drum bland shit repeated over and over.

- Yeah that's everything

[bsandsuch]

My accent

Is San Franciscan... I never knew or understood it, but it makes sense that what I heard when I was a little kid is what/how I ended up speaking

Running words together like

"sanfrencisco"

The only thing I don't say right is "Valencia" ie, "valencha" - maybe because that wasn't an important street for me growing up.

[bsandsuch]

Ok c

Stop spending time doing things that have no bearing on your actual life or the rest of your day.

Ie. Social media stalking

[bsandsuch]

Been trying to figure out

What has me all in a funk

And I think leaving ____ was a big factor

Like it felt right and timely

But also hella disruptive

Like this has been my family; I founded this school

And then not feeling wanted, powerful, appreciated, capable...

It's been a rough transition.

Also fuck Seattle

Thinking about going there now has me undergoing pre-PTSD

Thinking about all the misery and disfunction

I don't hate the place

I hate the people

(and, the memories)

It makes me shudder

And it makes my skin crawl

And even though I have nothing else going on here

I sorta wish I wasn't going.

I will need to bring a lot of books with me to block the existential dread.

And I am, through and through, having a multi faceted mid-ish life crisis this summer

Which will hopefully be partially solved

Through having a baby..

Ie. I will have so much shit to think about

I won't have time to dwell on my feelings.

"dwell" is like a bad word for my mind

[bsandsuch]

Noticed

Maybe only a 3rd of my OG friends are married.

Half of them should be, according to statistics.

We we're a sad bunch, I guess. Doomed to be poor and mistrustful.

Also fuck Seattle, I am so not excited to go there.

[bsandsuch]

Operation

Don't be a slug

[bsandsuch]

Gross and awkward

Now this weirdo knows I was insta stalking them

Also it all makes me so uncomfortable

Like I feel like they are exploiting my little bro

Like he knows no better

He's just being led blindly into this weird relationship

Because he doesn't know any better

And it makes me gag

Just let him have a healthy relationship for once!

My poor brother...

No good role models

Or sense of normalcy

Like

I'm supposed to be the normal one