btr-sya

[btr-sya]

28th Jan 2019

here i am again. on a new year.

a third year since i made this account.

so, hi.

i’ve gone through a break up, amazingly i were too devastated to bring myself to write in this anymore.

okay but then after a month, we’re back together. i think we’re good now.

that’s what i think.

i have 6 papers left bytheway.

according to my contract, if i go on a straight pass for my papers, i can graduate on time lol.

Let’s hope for the best💜

Now....

I just feel.

I’ve been thinking for the past few weeks.

I don’t know how to say this but I need to get it out from my chest.

I had an eating disorder when i were 16. I couldnt eat a single thing and i just starved myself.

It was not because i wanted to be skinny or anything.

Sometimes i lost my appetite so my mom had to bring me to the clinic.

I had to eat medicine to regain my appetite back.

Since that time, i always eat so little. I hate the feeling of being full.

So i always eat my rice in the bowl bcs it’s smaller. I never finish my food but i make sure that i eat.

It always been like that. I always and always get full even when i eat so little.

My family knows abt this. They never force me to eat. They know i always take care for my own health so they give me time.

I thought when i’m far from home. I’ll be fine. Since my family is okay with me like this. I thought this will never be a problem. That’s what i thought.

But living far from home, meeting new friends.

People always point that i eat too little and i never finish my food.

At first, i just told them i hate when my stomach feels full so i stop eating before i feel full.

Things were fine then.

But now, the issue comes back.

I don’t know how or why.

Every time i eat together, there will always be people say “eh tris tak pernah la makan habis”.

I mean you don’t have to point it out. Yes i know i did that.

IT’S GETTING SUPER ANNOYING.

words hurts people. it may seems like nothing but i feel hurt.

i just keep quiet and every time this happens, i force myself to eat.

And i hate it.

Why i need to listen to what others say? Why i couldnt just be me?

I just want to feel enough with myself.

This is never an issue before.

Why does everyone wants to make it hard for me?

When i told them, i don’t like it.

People thought wow this is why i’m skinny.

Nope. THIS IS NOT SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF. I’m not.

This is not a gift.

This is just the way i am.

I hate this. All of this.

I just want people to understand me.

I just want to feel enough.

I always being insecure with my own body.

Right now, i think i will be fine when people will stop commenting on the way i eat.

And stop forcing me to finish my food.

I’m tired.

[btr-sya]

a part of me thinks that maybe i dont deserve happiness as much as any other people. maybe i wasnt that important for people to check on me. here’s another theory, maybe i’m an asshole that no one needs. just another human being that being a burden to someone else. i’m crying for help and you cant even see it. thankyou. as much as i know i really am worthless. i really need help.

[btr-sya]

20th Nov 2018

Almost a year.

for the past few weeks, ive been spending a loooooooot of time in my room. Some people maybe doesnt realize what ive been through. or probably i may have been look very happy. but i really am suffering. i need help. i dont want to be a burden to anyone. i just need someone. i need help. he’s probably doesnt realize this but i need help. i feel so lonely. i have lost the will to study. lost the will to go out and enjoy life. i never enjoy anything anymore. i hate how pathetic i look. how i just stay in my dark room for days. how i cry every week. i cant control it. i feel sorry for myself. i need help.

[btr-sya]

[btr-sya]

[btr-sya]

[btr-sya]

7th Oct 2018

the miracle date.

or probably a disastrous one i would say.

after almost 5 months i guess.

Hi!

i always thought...

what if, what if...

the whole world was against me,

will you still be by my side?

and i thought to myself.

there’s this girl...

even when the world go against her..

her man is just stand by her

sacrificing everything for her.

it must be nice.

to have someone that will go to that extent.

just to love you for every steps you took.

how lucky are you girl?

i have been feeling this way for so long.

[btr-sya]

[btr-sya]

9th April 2018

this is my escape.

ive been reading all your tweets.

yes its my fault.

so sorry but twitter is where i always be.

reading that breaks my heart.

i no longer have confidence to be in there.

sorry for hurting you guys.

but i stick to this method.

its ok you can tell others or just spread gossips.

i dont care.

but i will continue do this.

this is how i cope with my stress.

when i have no one to talk to.

when he’s not there to talk to me.

when i’m breaking down in my own room all alone.

i’m not like anyone else.

i can’t possible be just happy when i mix around.

my sad feeling is still there when i’m alone.

this is the only way to make me feel human.

[btr-sya]

that’s the thing with me.

i will never be happy.

[btr-sya]

5th April 2018

if i have to live like this for another 10 years, i dont want this life anymore.

i have been trying to tell you that we have problems.

but you never listen.

you will never learn.

now i have to suffer.

fuck everything.

i want to quit everything.

everything.

this doesn’t mean shit to me.

i dont want this life.

this is not the life i want to live in.

i hate everything.

just when i thought i were leaving home, running away from it.

it is not.

i’m far away but i still chained to you.

i hate this life so much.

i dont want any of this anymore.

fml.

[btr-sya]

the moment i start to decide that i dont need you, you will have to let me go

tris

[btr-sya]

[btr-sya]

💔

[btr-sya]

[btr-sya]

whatever it takes, id do it.

[btr-sya]