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20/3/24
I’m so tired, but I’ve got so much work to do. I gotta keep pushing forward. No more running away from my responsibilities! Time to tackle things head-on, I won’t sweep things under the rug. Gotta come up with an agenda for today, and when to get things done. I need to stop focusing on the feeling of being tired and start focusing on how I can get stuff done. No more stalling. Just focus and go!
Last night was so magical though, even though I was sweating profusely. I went for a run with my boyfriend last night. I couldn’t keep up at all, I was out of breath after the 1km mark. He kept a positive attitude about it, though. He encouraged me to keep running, which was nice. I’ve got the sweetest boyfriend on planet Earth. I love him more than I can put into words. The people around me are probably tired of me talking about him by now, but I don’t care. I love him. He’s the one I’m supposed to be with. Being with him is a dream come true. I’m making something for him for our anniversary. A little surprise. Planning for it was a bit difficult and required me to be a little more creative. I’m about halfway done with it, and I’m so excited to give it to him.
I’m learning to say “no” more. Last time I had a problem with saying “no” too much, but nowadays I say “yes” too much. I say “yes” too often and it has made me very self-indulgent. Some things are not permissible. I owe it to myself to be more disciplined.
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Empress Elizabeth of Austria with Loosened Hair, Franz Xaver Winterhalter, 1865
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11/3/24 pt. 2
Time to stop talking so much, time to start doing. I am aware that I feel tired at every single waking moment, but I have to learn to combat that. I can always drink more and more coffee. I wonder how my boyfriend does it. He’s so hardworking. He just does his work and tanks on despite his tiredness. Is this adulthood? To feel tired all the time? Nevermind. It’s not important. It’s not important to be thinking about the “why” all the time. The little things in your daily routine add up. I spend too much time ruminating. I’d just lie in my bed and think about the “why”. These blog posts are also what I do in my time. I should get work done. I should be doing something. I should set goals for myself.
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‘The Reconciliation of the Montagues and Capulets over the Dead Bodies of Romeo and Juliet’ by Frederic Leighton, c. 1855.
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Edward Okuń (1872-1945)
"The Four Strings of a Violin" (1914)
Located in the Arizona State University Art Museum, Tempe, Arizona, United States
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11/3/24
I’m still mad at my parents (my mum in particular) for forcing me to go to Hong Kong earlier this year when I was very sick. Although I wouldn’t say she “forced” me per se, I’m a grown adult and could’ve stood my ground and said no. I was very sick. It was the first week of January, just before school started. It had a ripple effect on my schoolwork and my physical health. That week was my only opportunity to rest. I was still emotionally blackmailed to go to Hong Kong. My parents are surprised that I don’t want to live with them anymore because I don’t want to express my disappointment. My parents are tough. They would ask me what was wrong and when I made my needs known, they would dismiss them. They want to go to Japan at the end of the year, too. The whole family. I don’t want to go with them anymore. Like, I don’t want to go on any overseas trips with them anymore. If you’re going to force me to “enjoy myself” then I’m not going to enjoy myself. I don’t want to live with people like that. I wouldn’t say that I hate my parents. I’m just tired of pretending that everything is okay. It’s not. How can I live with parents who dismiss my feelings? How can I express myself emotionally when it’s always met with gaslighting? My parents will never change.
I don’t know if I’m going to pass this semester. I’ve been so sick that it’s tough to keep track of school. I wouldn’t say it’s my parent’s fault, but things would’ve been so much better if I wasn’t sick. Now I face the possibility of dropping out. It’s very sad. What’s more sad is that my mother would never admit that my going to Hong Kong was a bad choice. I couldn’t breathe, you know. I literally couldn’t breathe properly when we were walking down the street. My mother told me that she and my dad were ready to send me to the hospital. Oh, I’m sorry but what was the fucking point of me going on an overseas trip when I was extremely sick? How the fuck was I supposed to enjoy myself when I was breathless all the time? I’m getting angry thinking about it. I don’t like being an angry person. I don’t like being around people who make me angry. I think this is the end of an era. I don’t want to live with my parents anymore. I’m done. I’m now living at my aunt’s place. I don’t want to see my parents. I don’t want to be around them. My mother is probably wondering why I left. It’s too late. I’ve already made up my mind. It sounds like I hate my parents, but I don’t. I just don’t think we’re compatible.
Anyway, life goes on. Even if they expel me, it’s all right. I still have to go on. It’s hurtful, but life goes on. There’s still a way to turn back, though. I can still make this right. I just need to do what I need to do. I’m in hot water right now, but thank God I know how to swim.
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William Orpen (British/Irish, 1878-1931) • Window in London • 1901 • National Gallery of Ireland, Dublin
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How I can manage my mental health + how my school can support my mental disabilities, by ChatGPT.
Cultivating good mental health involves a combination of various practices and habits. Here are some suggestions tailored to your specific conditions:
Mindfulness and Meditation: Incorporating mindfulness practices into your daily routine can help reduce stress and improve overall well-being. Meditation can also help manage symptoms of ADHD and bipolar disorder by promoting relaxation and enhancing focus.
Journaling: Keeping a journal can be a helpful tool for managing emotions, tracking mood fluctuations, and gaining insight into your thoughts and behaviors. You can use it to identify patterns and triggers, as well as to express yourself freely.
Routine and Structure: Establishing a consistent daily routine can provide stability and predictability, which can be particularly beneficial for individuals with ADHD and bipolar disorder. Set regular times for waking up, eating meals, engaging in activities, and going to bed.
Self-Care Practices: Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as spending time in nature, practicing hobbies, listening to music, or taking a warm bath. Prioritize self-care activities that recharge your energy and promote a sense of well-being.
Social Support: Cultivate meaningful connections with friends, family members, or support groups who understand and accept you. Having a strong support network can provide emotional validation, encouragement, and companionship during challenging times.
Creative Expression: Explore creative outlets such as art, music, writing, or dance as a means of self-expression and emotional release. Engaging in creative activities can foster a sense of accomplishment, boost self-esteem, and alleviate stress.
Healthy Lifestyle Choices: Pay attention to your diet, exercise regularly, and prioritize adequate sleep. Consuming a balanced diet rich in nutrients, staying physically active, and getting sufficient rest can positively impact mood, energy levels, and overall mental health.
Setting Boundaries: Learn to recognize and assert your boundaries in various aspects of your life, including relationships, work, and personal time. Establishing healthy boundaries can help prevent burnout, reduce stress, and maintain a sense of control.
Positive Affirmations: Practice self-compassion and challenge negative self-talk by incorporating positive affirmations into your daily routine. Remind yourself of your strengths, accomplishments, and worthiness of love and acceptance.
Education and Advocacy: Take an active role in learning about your conditions, treatment options, and self-management strategies. Advocate for yourself by seeking out resources, participating in support groups, and communicating effectively with healthcare providers.
Remember that finding what works best for you may require some trial and error. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you explore different practices and incorporate them into your routine. Additionally, consider consulting with mental health professionals who can offer personalized guidance and support.
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Navigating university with bipolar disorder, autism, and ADHD can present unique challenges, but there are accommodations and support services available to help you succeed academically. Here are some additional accommodations you could consider requesting from your school:
Note-taking Assistance: Ask for access to lecture notes, recordings, or a note-taking service to ensure you capture all necessary information during classes. Some universities provide note-taking accommodations for students with disabilities.
Quiet Study Spaces: Request access to quiet or sensory-friendly study areas where you can focus without distractions or sensory overload. This could involve reserving designated study rooms or utilizing specialized sensory accommodations.
Flexibility in Attendance Policies: Request flexibility with attendance requirements, especially on days when your symptoms are particularly challenging. This could involve negotiating alternative ways to demonstrate your understanding of course material or participating in virtual classes when necessary.
Extended Library Loan Periods: Ask for extended loan periods for library materials to accommodate potential difficulties with time management and organization. This will give you more flexibility in accessing and returning books and resources.
Assistive Technology: Inquire about access to assistive technology tools such as speech-to-text software, text-to-speech software, or mind-mapping tools to aid in organization, comprehension, and communication.
Priority Registration: Request priority registration to ensure you can secure class schedules that accommodate your needs, such as avoiding back-to-back classes or scheduling classes during times when you're most alert and focused.
Alternative Assignments: Work with your professors to explore alternative assignment formats that align with your strengths and accommodate your challenges. This could include projects, presentations, or portfolios instead of traditional exams or essays.
Access to Disability Services: Make sure you're connected with your university's disability services office to explore all available accommodations and support resources. They can help you navigate the process of requesting accommodations and advocate for your needs.
Peer Support Groups: Inquire about peer support groups or mentoring programs specifically tailored to students with disabilities. Connecting with peers who share similar experiences can provide valuable support, guidance, and encouragement throughout your academic journey.
Individualized Academic Support Plans: Work with disability services to develop an individualized academic support plan that outlines your specific needs, accommodations, and strategies for success. This plan can serve as a roadmap for both you and your professors to ensure your academic needs are met.
Remember that every university has its own policies and procedures regarding accommodations for students with disabilities, so it's important to familiarize yourself with the resources available at your institution and advocate for the accommodations that will best support your academic success.
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6/3/24
I like typing my thoughts out before doing work. It helps to clear my mind a bit and helps me get into the groove of typing on my laptop. I’m in my head a lot. I tend to ruminate too much. I’m also too introspective sometimes. It doesn’t help me at all. It’s a privilege to know why things happen the way they do. It’s essential to know what to do and to have a game plan on how to tackle problems. No talking, just doing. I don’t need to think so much. I just need to do it. I don’t need to over-plan. I just need to do it.
Talking to my lecturer was a great idea. I feel like a weight has been taken off my chest. Surprisingly, my lecturer was receptive to what I had to say. I thought he wouldn’t care at all. I lowkey think that people won’t care about what I have to say, so maybe that’s why I get nonverbal in a lot of settings. I am scared of what people have to think about me. I am scared about being inappropriate. I have to watch my mouth, but sometimes I need to talk. Closed mouths don’t get fed. I need to address my needs with my school and tell them what I need from them. I can’t say that I don’t know. I need to think of ways that my school can provide for me.
Also, I like being at my aunt’s place because my mother isn’t here to nag or complain about me. It’s much quieter in the day over here. I like it. I find myself being calmer. I can concentrate more on what I need to do.
I’m learning to put my feelings aside when it comes to doing my work. My therapist had a lot to say when it came to my attitude towards work. In all the years of knowing me, my therapist was able to deduce this: I easily get distracted by unimportant things in life, and it doesn’t help my productivity. When I can’t meet deadlines due to these distractions, I shut down. I stop functioning. My therapist also said that I wasn’t raised in an environment that allowed me to have much discipline. It takes a lot of work for me to get work done, as I don’t have discipline. It’s not like I can’t cultivate discipline, though. Through my recent lament on my grades, I also realized that I have huge problems in trying to communicate my needs to the people who matter. Yes, I’m comfortable with sharing my thoughts/feelings with my boyfriend. However, I realize that I don’t do that with anyone else. I thought that taking medication and going to therapy was enough in my pursuit of good mental health, but it wasn’t. I’m super neurodivergent. Not even high-functioning. Maybe mid-functioning. There’s a lot of work to be done in working on improving myself.
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