bucketofchaos

[bucketofchaos]

I met my younger self for coffee this morning.

She was an hour late, as always; I was right on time. Huffing, slightly annoyed, but still carrying that air of confidence she had mastered so well. She scanned the café, her sharp gaze taking everything in as if she were still preparing for a debate round. When she finally spotted me, there was a flicker of recognition—curiosity mixed with something softer.

She sat across from me, arms crossed, studying me like a puzzle she couldn’t quite solve. “You’re… different,” she finally said.

I shrugged, taking a sip of my matcha—something she used to hate. “I guess I am.”

She frowned. “You used to be in the spotlight. The one people noticed. The one who always had something to say on stage, in debates, in every program.”

I smiled at the memory. “Yeah. But I was also the one who felt alone.”

Her expression faltered for a second. I could see it—the way she never said it out loud, the way she laughed with friends but sometimes wondered if they would still be there if she wasn’t the one leading, achieving, standing at the center. She gave and gave, believing that was the price of keeping people close.

“And did they leave?” she finally asked, her voice quieter this time.

I exhaled. “Some did.”

She swallowed, trying to act like it didn’t matter. But I knew better. I knew the sting of realizing that not every friendship was built to last, that not every hand you reached for would always be there.

“But some stayed,” I added. “The ones who truly mattered. The ones who grew with me. We don’t see each other as often, but when we do, it’s like nothing changed.”

She looked away, blinking fast, pretending she wasn’t relieved. “So, we weren’t wrong to love them?”

I shook my head. “No. And I’m still grateful for them every single day.”

She let out a slow breath, nodding. Then, as if shaking off the weight of the moment, she tilted her head at me. “So, what do we do now?”

I hesitated. “We’re in med school.”

She blinked. “We—what?"

I laughed at her reaction. “Yeah. It’s… hard.”

She narrowed her eyes. “But we wanted to be a CPA lawyer.”

“I know,” I murmured. “Sometimes I still wonder about it. But I’m here now.”

She studied me, searching for regret in my eyes. I wouldn’t lie to her—there were days I questioned everything, days the weight of my choice felt unbearable. But I had made peace with it, in a way she hadn’t yet.

“And you’re struggling,” she noted.

I nodded. “But I’m still pushing.”

That made her pause. For the first time since she sat down, she really looked at me. And I saw something shift in her gaze—not disappointment, not frustration, but understanding. Maybe even a little pride.

She glanced around the café. “You used to love being seen.”

I nodded. “I did. But now, I find more comfort in watching, in listening, in being there for the people I care about.”

She raised a brow. “That doesn’t sound like you.”

I smiled. “No, but it’s who I’ve become.”

She tilted her head. “And family?”

I felt something tighten in my chest. “I learned to appreciate them more. Maybe because I’ve lost time with them. Maybe because I’ve realized that at the end of the day, they’re the ones who never left.”

She was quiet for a moment, digesting my words. Then she nodded, as if understanding something she hadn’t before.

“You still believe something beautiful is waiting for you,” she murmured.

I smiled. “Always.”

She didn’t say anything after that. She just sipped her coffee, lost in thought, as if seeing her future self wasn’t what she expected—but maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t so bad after all.

[bucketofchaos]

[bucketofchaos]

silent longing, from a distance I see,

a heart that aches, yet can never be free.

unspoken dreams drift on the breeze,

a hidden connection, known only to me.

[bucketofchaos]

Perhaps it’s time…

To release the warmth that hid in silence,

To set free the hopes that never took flight,

To untangle the love that was left unanswered,

To soothe the young heart that remained unseen,

And to let go of the one who was never in the stars.

After nearly twelve years of waiting,

I think it’s time.

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Letter to the heart that is numb

A Letter to the Heart that is Numb

To the heart that is numb, Standing in taraweeh (Ramadan night prayers) while everyone is weeping – except you. Your friends talk about how exhilarating fasting is for them – but all you feel is irritation; and that is if you feel anything at all. Your supplications are just words you repeat – without heart.

What is the point of all of it? Your actions are robotic. Monotone. Without soul. You wish you could be like that person praying next to you in taraweeh who sobs during every prostration. You want to be the one passionately pleading with Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) with humility. Your hope is that you can be that person whose heart is broken before God.

You know what, though? You, too, are special to Allah. You who recites the Qur’an because you know it is good. You who prays because Allah commanded you to. You who attends lectures on Islam because you want to feel closer to Him. The Prophet ﷺ told us that the person who recites the Qur’an and struggles with the recitation receives twice the reward: for their recitation and for their effort and struggle.

Ibn Al-Qayyim used this hadith (tradition of the Prophet ﷺ) as the basis for his statement that the person who struggles to be devoted in prayer gets twice the reward: for the parts that he was devoted, and for his struggle to stay focused. As long as you are trying, Allah is with you. The fact that you get up to pray qiyaam (night prayer) even though you feel nothing is appreciated by Allah. When you mouth the words to your du`a even when your heart is numb, Allah knows how you feel. And you are rewarded for that. Do not think that this will go to waste. Allah gets it. Because you are not worshiping a feeling. You do not bow down solely for that ‘high’. You prostrate only to the Lord of the feelings and the One who is the Most High. You submit to Him – through your prayers, fasting and supplication – because you know you have a Merciful, Just, Appreciative, Forgiving God, Who has the power to give life to everything that is dead. Including your heart.

You know you have a Nurturing, Patient, Generous, Subtle and Kind Lord who is can bring back whatever is lost. He can bring you back.

So to the heart that is numb: Do not give up just yet. Your heart is on a journey. You are first and foremost worshiping your Lord. And He has promised you: “And those who strive for Us – We will surely guide them to Our ways. And indeed, Allah is with the doers of good.” (Qur’an, 29:69)

As long as you are doing good, Allah will guide you and He is with you. Do you know what that means?

Imam Ash-Shawkani stated that Allah being with someone means more care, honouring and preference for the person. And you know what else? Allah loves what you do. He tells us: “Indeed, those who have believed and done righteous deeds – the Most Merciful will appoint for them affection.” (Qur’an, 19:96)

Allah will not only love you, but He will show that love for you. He will bestow His affection upon you, and your heart will feel it.

So keep trekking. Your heart will open – He is, after all, al-Fattah. Al-Fattah is He who opens whatever is closed; your heart included. You might wonder when and how, but just know that it will happen. It could be on the last night of Ramadan or it could be a month after Ramadan – your heart will open, God willing. The daily exercise you do might not look like much, but you will inevitably see the results if you persevere.

Similarly, your good actions slowly chip away at what has been hardening your heart and, eventually, you will feel.

And if it gets too much, just talk to God. Tell Him how you feel, and tell Him how you want to feel. Do it every night, and every time you feel empty. God is there; never underestimate your turning to Him. ‘Turning to Him’ does not just mean prayers and supplications; you can just tell Him what is in your heart.

On the Day of Judgment, you will be grateful for your perseverance and your hope in Him, because it will matter more than you will ever know. So push yourself and exert all the effort you can muster. The tiniest ray of light can brighten the darkest of places.

Love , A fellow heart that is* numb. (*was)

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In times of giving up, keep in mind that everything will fall into place soon.

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Pouring of thoughts

This worldly life gives you the sweetest of the sweetest things, but when you turn back to the Almighty, you encounter different challenges, trials, and hardships in life.

So, you'll start questioning yourself or even the Almighty (Astaghfirullah!) with such questions as "Why are these things happening to me or to us?" "Why am I living a miserable life?" "Why are those disbelievers living an oh-so-fancy life?" "Why are those believers (specifically those Muslims who are affected by war) having a hard time in life?" etc.

As those questions were being asked, I realized or discovered the answer to those questions or the reason why these things were happening. It is to test how strong our faith is, how long we will hold onto Allah, or how we are going to deal with our problems and challenges in life.

Another reason is that when you desire something (an example is the Jannahtul Firdaus), you'll have to earn it, work hard to achieve it, and face all the challenges and trials that life has given you (we all have different fights or trials in life). Just like when you are at work, you are trying hard to be promoted, and in order for you to be promoted, you have to work for it or you have to earn it.

As an ulama has said, those who are true in faith are those who are tested the most, and those who are astray are those who are living in comfort the most. For those believers who are able to sab'r, the situations they encounter will strengthen their faith more and lead them closer to Allah (SWA). Ma shaa Allah!

So, we must be patient with all the trials that have been inflicted on us. We must have faith in Allah. We must trust the Almighty. Indeed, everything happens for a reason.

We have lots of whys in life that might lead us down a dark path or lead us astray. But even if we have those whys in our minds, at the end of the day we must remember that "Allah is the best planner," and indeed the promise of Allah is true (40:77)

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only from the heart can you touch the sky...

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stay till the sun sets...

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Nothing makes me happy at the same time sad, knowing that I got really attached to this beautiful sunshines in human form and honestly, day by day makes it really hard to get detached from them.

Spent my two years of senior high school with these sunshines, but it seems like I've known them for a lifetime. I couldn't ask for more. They are enough. Cinco is enough.

Until we meet again, sunshines.

[bucketofchaos]

How I miss the warm sea breeze, the sound of the crashing waves, and the soft sand, squeeshing it between my toes.

Take me to the ocean...

[bucketofchaos]

It might be a long journey and I know I can make it. Try me! #Dearlife

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Ya Badani, now is the time for you to pick up yourself from the ground. Let go of the negative vibes, reach out towards positivity.

Ya Nafsi, now is the time for you to purify yourself. Let go of your worldly desires, reach out to your deen and work for your akhirah.

Ya Qalbi, now is the time to cleanse yourself and direct it towards strengthening your faith. Let go of the love of which is not meant for the sake of Allah, reach out to ‘ilm and compete towards the love of Allah.

[bucketofchaos]

Until we meet again, ya Ramadhan! In shaa Allah ♡

[bucketofchaos]

Love

We all have different interpretations of the word love.

According to Merriam Webster, love is a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person, an attraction that includes sexual desire, the strong affection felt by people who have a romantic relationship with a person you love in a romantic way.

The way Merriam Webster describe or defined the word love is an understatement. Because love is a significant feeling which no word could describe it nor define it.

In my own opinion, love is when you know that Allah exists in your heart and Allah loves you.

I'm going to stress out the sentence 'Allah exists in your heart' which means you love the Almighty, that love for Allah consists of fear, trust, hope, faith, etc.

Love is when you chose to wake up early in the morning to pray faj'r over sleep. When you make time for prayer despite of your busy schedule.

Love is when you hear the Adhan you immediately stop/pause the movie you are watching (even if you are at the climax), you chose to stand up, make ablution, and pray.

Love is bearing the pain of your legs when you are praying taraweeh or tahajjud.

Love is bearing the pain on your throat when you are reading the Qur'an, especially when it is ramadhan and you badly want to stop reading the Qur'an because of your dry throat but you kept going.

Love is bearing the hunger and thirst because you are fasting, giving charity, and spreading positivity.

Love exists in your heart, everytime you do good. Everytime you pray the 5 obligatory prayers, sunnah, and so on. Everytime you make dua. Everytime you make ablution. Everytime you say Alhamdulillah, Allahu akbar, Subhanallah, and the Twin testimony (Ash-hadu an la illaha illallah, wa ash-hadu anna Muhammada rasulollah) etc.

And if this type of love exists in your heart, you will love everyone else in this world sincerely and halal. And in shaa Allah, you will meet those whom you loved in this dunya in the akhirah. Until your very last breath, you'll continue to love. In shaa Allah!

May Allah grant us a good and loving heart! ♡

[bucketofchaos]

It is not the eyes that are blind, but the hearts

Qur'an 22:46

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Five personal advices of Jibreel about Life

‘5 advices of Jibreel (A.S) to the Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W)’

Live as you will but know that one day you’re going to die

Love whom you will but know that one day you will be separated with that person

Do as you will and know that you will be compensated and rewarded accordingly

Keep doing what you do and know that the reward is in the hereafter

Know that the nobility of the believer is his standing up in prayer at night. And as for his dignity, its his being independent of people