buddy-tuesday

[buddy-tuesday]

[buddy-tuesday]

07/01/2024

I've been feeling a bit better recently. I met someone. We were planning on going on a date. They're super cool, and pretty, and I was really looking forward to it. We were talking all the time. I was smitten. Still am. They're non-binary, and poly, two things that were previously deal-breakers. But, they wanted something casual, and I think that's fine for me in a casual setting.

Anyway, I inadvertently caused a fight between them and their partner, and ultimately, they decided not to date for awhile. It's a massive bummer. We have SO much in common and I'm incredibly attracted to them. But I mean, what am I gonna do?

It's the start of the year and I'm still lonely. They were a nice distraction but now I guess I've really gotta try to get my shit together.

They were pretty into me apparently, and I guess I just need to be more confident in the future. Ask people out, take risks, etc. Maybe I'll ask a friend to take me to a bar and I can try to talk with someone. We'll see.

[buddy-tuesday]

How can one woman make me feel heartbreak over and over again? I dont know if my thoughts are together enough to really write about this, but I just feel incredibly sad tonight.

[buddy-tuesday]

It's been awhile, but ive been feeling pretty garbage lately. I told S almost a month ago that it would be best if she and I took a break from our friendship.

It's been a year and a half, but learning that she has a boyfriend now sent me spiralling, as if things JUST ended between us. And it wasnt even a relationship.

I think it's hard because we never got to treat it like a relationship. There was so much affection, but it felt like this big secret almost. And now, she's posting pics with this guy, and posting lovey dovey tweets about him, and im just like, heartbroken. There's a way I feel about her that I'm not going to say here, nor will I tell anyone, but ive felt it for a really long time now.

Anyway, I want to move on. I want to have her in my life and be friends and be happy for her and her relationship, but I'm SO jealous. Not just because of how I feel about her I don't think, but I'm incredibly lonely. I have so many friends, but nobody that really wants to date me, and be in love with me, and call me their favorite person ever.

And that sucks. I have so many people in my life that consider me among their best friends, if not their absolute best friend. I have no shortage of people to hang out with. People who will be there for me when I'm down, or need to talk. Hell, im sure if I asked, a good amount of em would cuddle up with me and tell me it's all gonna be okay. But I don't want that from any of them.

Is that selfish? This longing to have more, and be the most important person in someone's life? I was called superficial yesterday. Not as a joke or an insult, but as a matter of fact. And I know it's true. I feel like I'm asking for too much. Part of me is like "Don't settle for less than what you want", but another part of me is like "Your wants are unrealistic". Which is it?

S helped me get through so much after my breakup with M. She made me feel like I was worth being with. That I'm a decent guy that a gorgeous woman could want. But i tied all of my self worth to her wanting me, and now that she doesnt, that self worth is gone. I dont know what to do. Ive always gotten over a woman by being with another. And now, a year and a half later, i havent grown, because i dont have someone getting me to grow. I feel like a mess of a person who cant function alone, but can't be satisfied without someone that i feel like fits everything I want.

I have so much more I want to say, but this post is already long enough. Anyway, I'm sad, and lonely, and I can't see that really changing for a long time. If I didn't have so many people that want me in their lives... I don't know.

Dropping everyone from my life and moving across the country feels like a better idea every day.

[buddy-tuesday]

I have lot of good, close friends, but I dont feel comfortable talking to them about my problems. I still have really strong feelings for S that I'm trying to get over, and it sounds like she's seeing someone new. She's been messaging me less lately, and taking a longer time than she has before to respond. I feel so in my head about it. I hate being jealous.

I cant talk to my best friend about it, because her and I nearly had a falling out last summer because of my feelings for S. Another close friend, I think he has feelings for her and is partially a reason im feeling so crappy lately. One of them I seem to only talk with her when I have problems. Im tired of doing that to her. Another doesnt really give good advice in situations like this.

I could go on. Many friends and so many reasons to not talk to them. I'm sad. Im trying to get over her by seeing if B would like to date casually or something, but it seems "I don't want to ruin our friendship" is gonna be a recurring theme for me.

I feel really lonely. In more ways than one. I have all these people in my life that care about me, but none in ways that I feel like I want them to.

I have this fantasy. Started last fall i think. To just pack a suitcase and my backpack and move to Vancouver or somewhere on the west coast. Get a little apartment, then delete my social media. All of it. Change my name, my phone number. Just up and disappear.

It feels easier. It's not like suicide where someone needs to find your body. Your family and friends mourn you; getting together to remember you. This way i could leave a note saying "I'm okay. I'm just far away" and people will just have to move on. They might be angry, but i think the people that matter most to me would understand.

I want to move on and feel happy. Lately, that is incredibly hard.

[buddy-tuesday]

I had a dream about M last night. Most of the details are a blur right now, but i do remember we were at a convention together, planning to do something fun. We were in the dealers room, shopping for supplies for whatever this was. We were trying on hats, laughing at really keychains, and just having a really good time.

I'm happy I'm not with her anymore. The bad definitely outweighed the good. But the good was so wonderful, and i definitely miss it. She was such a fun person, and it makes me feel not entirely foolish for staying in something so bad for so long.

[buddy-tuesday]

I slept with S tonight. Shouldnt have happened, retrospectively, but it did. It lead us to talking about our feelings for each other afterwards. She told me she felt like she's not a good fit for me, something ove tried to dispute many times, and tonight it felt like she was actually considering what i meant when I told her why. Then I kept talking and went a little overboard with my honest feelings.

She took it well and considerately, as she always does. But again, she expressed that despite her feelings for me, she'd rather just be friends.

It is very hard, yknow? Someone youre attracted to and have feelings for tells you theyre attracted to you and have feelings for you, but they don't want to persue that? It feels like no matter what youre told, you feel like youre doing something wrong. Maybe theyre lying? Maybe youre not attractive actually, or have some major flaw that makes you undatable in their eyes.

I trust her to be more honest with me than anyone in my life at this point, and yet doubt still finds a way to slip through the cracks.

She said "Maybe in a year I'll feel differently and think we shouldve tried", and I think that hits the worst. Like she feels like her decision is the right one, but she also might be wrong.

Anyway, I'm not gonna wait around for her, but I do hope for a change of heart.

[buddy-tuesday]

Staying at my old roommate's (P) place. P of course having lived with M for half a year of the breakup was talking with me about how awful it was. Of course I knew about it. I also knew that he kinda had a thing for her and was very bothered by her bringing over her new boyrfriend, and especially hearing them go at it.

I never really knew details, he never described it, but today he was saying like "I really didn't need to hear her moaning from the other room". Something about him saying she was moaning really hit me.

I've hidden the fact from quite a few people that after we first started dating, M and I stopped having sex. It really bothered me. It was a huge blow to my confidence, but she would always assure me it was not my fault. I got every excuse from that she wasnt ever really in the mood, or that she thought she might be asexual. But that all seems like a lie. Maybe I wasnt good, or maybe she just didnt like me, so she didnt enjoy it.

Hearing that hurt my self confidence, and without a regular partner now, it's got me in my head. I want to be better, but I've not done that for myself in a LONG time.

[buddy-tuesday]

Tonight is a hard night. Keeping my fall depression down has been difficult lately. I go back to M's twitter every couple weeks or so still. I wish I didnt, but the curiosity really hits me late at night. Nights like tonight where spiralling into a shitty feeling is comforting but also awful.

I expect to see a picture with her boyfriend, or a tweet about how happy she is with him. I don't ever see it though. Do I want to see it? Maybe? Sometimes I want it to sting me deep. Other times I just want the reassurance that she's happy, or that she's changed. Finally willing to say out loud that she loves someone. Maybe it would be a confirmation that it wasn't just that she disliked PDA, but that she disliked me.

I do miss her though. On nights like tonight when the loneliness hits deep. I miss laughing and being ridiculous with her. Chatting about nonsense before bed.

I'm better off, I know. That whole relationship was more bad than good, but despite it being two years later, I still wonder how I could've done better.

Anyway, this isn't what I came to talk about, but it'll do for tonight. Maybe next time I'll talk about feelinga about the present, rather than the past.