buffer-subroutine - Tumblr blog

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Remember to check your potatoes.

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"I'd love to have a larger spleen!" -my coworker

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DEFECTS LOOK AT THIS ANIMATION VVLE MADE FOR ME

IT'S SO GOOD :DDDDDD

(Press: View on Twitter)

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My brother in christ they wired my RAM

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Losing testosterone is one hell of a drug.

I want to fuck Bowser.

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Not for long it's not.

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Defects, this is probably going to be the only time ever that I post something bummer like this, but I feel as though I can't keep it bottled up anymore. Only read if you're not easy to make sad.

I miss having a future, Defects. I really do. The moment I got seizures, my entire life flipped from almost being complete into stepping into an amazing phase of my life, having completed college and using the skills I was insanely (and rightfully) confident and sharp in. Fuck, I was amazing.

Then boom. Stress-enduced seizures. Trapped inside due to covid lockdown too. Family and College - two insane stressors, now dangerous for me. I lost so much from that.

I had to move out early and never got to finish the degree I spent *two years of my life* working toward.

Even if I pick it up now, I'm pretty sure most of my credits have expired. I'm fucked, and I owe student loans now, too, on top of barely making enough money to live, so I get to just be more terrified and hopeless every second watching the interest keep piling up. And I can't get a job that pays well because of a STUPID PIECE OF FUCKING PAPER.

I WAS EXCELLENT AND WOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT AT IT BUT NOONE GIVES A RATS ASS WITHOUT THE PAPER.

Now here I am, living on my own in IT because it was an easy fallback that was supposed to be temporary.

I don't like this, Defects.

You, Defects, as well as my loved ones online are... Well, the only things that I look forward to each day.

I keep trying to get better. To dig myself out of this pit. I started hormones finally - and I am so happy about it, so I guess I have a third thing since it's helping me feel a little more, well, girl.

But I sure as fuck don't quite resemble one beyond the cute eyeliner and hair. I wear a purse recently, which helps. But I feel like a fake.

I can't escape facial hair. No matter how much I shave, it's so fucking thick and grows so fast that even if I got it completely smooth, it'd just regrow and be visible in maybe a couple hours at most.

I want to program again, Defects. I want to make games. I want to have a future and go back to my original goals. I want to make games and make people happy.

I want some of it back. Any of it back.

It fucking hurts.

I can't even get myself to program. No matter what I do, I can't get myself to just... Do it. I will install the editor and go through all the setup and... Be overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the new ui, by having to relearn so much. By NOT BEING ABLE TO DO THE ONE THING I SPENT MY LIFE LEARNING. It really is a use it or lose it skill I guess. And I have not been using it Defects.

It's almost like a fear of acceptance too, I think. Deep down inside, I know I still have some of it left. I bet I can relearn, even if I will fucking suck. Even if I will never get it back fully.

I want that so much. Please. I don't know how to start. I don't know what to do. I touch the editor and try to do stuff and it won't fucking compile. I can't get the header dependencies right.

I can't remember how to do anything. I got so SO fucking proud of myself for making A FUNCTION THAT CHOOSES A RANDOM NUMBER IN A RANGE AND PULLS A VALUE FROM A LIST OF STRINGS AND PRINTS IT TO HELP ME CHOOSE WHAT TO STREAM WHEN I AM UNSURE. IT TOOK ME SO LONG AND IT IS FUCKING HUMILIATING.

IT SHOULD TAKE ME LIKE 5 MINUTES MAX NOT 30. NOT AN HOUR. NOT. Fucking. Ugh.

And then I couldn't get myself to program again. I thought I broke free from it. I really did. I forced myself to do it but why do I return to being unable to do it?

Is it because I don't have an objective? A goal? I like making things for people. I want to help and make them happy.

I don't really have a use for making things for myself. Maybe that is why. Making stupid useless tutorial projects.. feels both demoralizing and useless. A waste of time, DESPITE that it will help me gain something back.

I don't know what to do.

Sorry for you having to read all that.

Maybe one day we will program again.

It's why I did the game design document with Duckolium. Maybe if I stream it, I can force myself to program. Well, more like *be* forced to.

This is my last hope.

I hope it works.

- Buffer

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Soup your oatmeal.

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YAY

Fingers crossed, #Defects~!! I got an interview today and IT WENT SO VERY WELL~!!!!!!!!! Gonna get a call tomorrow to see if they're gonna hire me. If so, we'll see how much I can negotiate my pay >:D

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Nightmare I had last night:

I finished a stream and was still talking in discord, but it turns out I forgot to hit the "End stream" button on OBS and I went onto my server to see what someone posted and it was NSFW and I looked over to OBS and it was still live so I panicked and shut the stream off but it was too late and I had no idea what to do

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By @The_Hydroxian on Twitter

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Holy heck - When did I begin being a little professional? Strange times indeed. Nonetheless, here's this week's schedule!

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Hey fuckers, be sure to stop by for the upcoming streams~! ❤️

Mon - 8pm EST

Tues & Thurs - 7pm EST

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Heya Defects~!

Yall excited for the upcoming Halloween stream~?

I sure as hell know I am!

Be sure to stop by on Tuesday @ 7PM EST! <3

We even have our very first giveaway~!!

It's gonna be GREAT~!

:D