buginyourear

[buginyourear]

Smoothies in the morning and a prayer for the day, gets my kids set on their way.

Also, taking supplements based on testimonials from tiktok is wild. Don't do that. You'll end up with a headache and nausea all day because you decided to take something sight unseen. Just a warning. Not because I know personally or anything. Just something I read...yeah...something I read... 👀🥴

[buginyourear]

In 8 minutes, the kids will leave for school and I couldn't be happier. About 7 hours to do whatever parents do while their kids are in school. Today's agenda: a nap, shopping for school supplies, a little bit of work and maybe some sex on the couch.

[buginyourear]

Vacation

I’m going on a semi-vacation soon. I hope to rejuvenate my mind and spirit first. I’ve been feeling stuck. In what, I don’t know but I do know this...I need to get out. So I’m going away. Of course, this is going to be a productive trip: 

1) Scope out and feel the energy of a new place and see if I want to live there. 

2) Visit my best friend and allow our spirits to touch and agree. 

3) Enjoy some much needed seclusion and recharge. 

4) Consider my next moves for the next chapter of my life. I’m always thinking about the next thing and trying to figure out how to get more out of the life I’m living. 

5) If I find a reputable tattoo shop, I’ll get my first tattoo. I already know what I want.  

I’m excited to get on the road. 

ejsr

[buginyourear]

Just Not Give A F*ck

I realize that I do a lot of overthinking and idealizing and it leads to disappointment if the other person doesn’t meet what’s in my head. For example, my daughter is dyslexic and has a difficult time reading. She has a book for summer reading that is only 100 pages. So I offered to read it to her so that she can at least understand what the book is about. In my head, I’m thinking about us cuddling and reading for about 20 mins a day until the book is done and really getting some good quality time together. She was thinking that she would just get to school and do the alternate assignment instead because there’s always an alternate assignment for those who don’t read the book. This led to my disappointment and her fussing me out in several long messages over Instagram because she wanted to do what she wanted to do. 

I run into this a lot, especially in “romantic” situations. My mind gets the best of me and despite my efforts to try to keep my expectations, thoughts, and ideas at bay, sometimes they get the best of me. It’s like I can see it clear as day, all the ways this could be good if it goes right. All the ways this would be beneficial to many people if we make the right choices or walk down this path. Now understand, I’m not necessarily hopeful. I know it could also go badly. It could just end one day for no reason at all and there’s no closure. It could be a horrible situation and there could be arguing all the time and no peace. There are just so many unknowns. 

This is why I research everything. I need more information to look realistically and react realistically to people and situations. And this is just too difficult when it comes to people. How do you research a person? By being around them and getting to know them. But what if they are busy and you are busy and life dictates that there is no time to spend? No communication, words, or basis to stand on. Again, too many unknowns and I’m a Scorpio woman. Gray areas just aren’t my thing. Patience isn’t either but that’s for another post. 

Perhaps, my need to research, know, and be reassured is rooted in some sort of insecurity on my end. Maybe I need the security and stability of being sure. Certain of where I am and what others around me are thinking and feeling so I’m certain as well. I wonder what that’s called and how do I get rid of it? Lol... It would be much better if I could just not give a f*ck.

ejsr

[buginyourear]

Remind me...

Remind me that I am able to feel my feelings without judgement. 

Remind me that I am not perfect. 

Remind me that I can be forgiven. 

Remind me that I am important. 

Remind me that I am valid. 

Remind me that I have value. 

Remind me that I am strong. 

Remind me that my vulnerability is a gift. 

Remind me that I can choose. 

Remind me that I can remind myself of all of these things and live them fully. 

ejsr

[buginyourear]

Today I am launching another blow to consistency. I went to the gym and started my new venture in weightlifting. I'm hoping that heavy lifting plus calorie deficit will equal to a more defined body. While I want to lose weight, I don't want to be thin or lose my beautiful ass. My desire is to move from BBW to thick. I think I have a great chance of doing that with weightlifting. Today was leg day. I don't think I pushed myself as far as I should've but I will do better. Also, I have to remember not to forget my jump rope. Maybe I will leave it in my car.

Alright, time to grab my first meal of the day. I don't feel like cooking so I have to think what will fuel my body. Have a blessed day off y'all!

ejsr

[buginyourear]

(TBT) Never Again

I won’t be making this trip with them ever again.

Won’t be spending these resources ever again.

This is the result of having men as friends.

The reason on many of them, you can’t depend.

They live for the chase, the smell, the catch.

The moment, the ego, the dick, the snatch.

They leave you behind in the dust very quickly.

And trade you for something warm and sticky.

Not to say girlfriends are better, ‘cause that isn’t true.

Girlfriends sometimes act like they’re permanent glue.

But I’ve been forgotten for 24 hours on this trip,

My meals were alone but I’ve kept a stiff lip.

In two hours the house inhabitants will be gone,

And I’ll be left locked in this house all alone.

Good thing I thought to get snacks and such

Or I could’ve been left suffering much

This hasn’t been much of a vacation for me

No friends, no lover, no fun, no aioli.

My lifestyle of single is a choice I embrace

But moments like these when I’m not in the race

Remind me that those in the race don’t understand

What can be fulfilling when not chasing the band

All of the possible plans together were flushed

My desires, thoughts and ideas were rushed

My weekend is crappy but I suppose that’s my fault

Everyone else’s race doesn’t come to a halt.

If I were to do it over again, I might’ve said no

And preserved my free weekend for a key more low.

I dont do this, crowds and other people’s houses

Or pork or beef or other people’s spouses.

Next time I’ll know better when traveling with men.

To do my own thing. I swear…never again.

[buginyourear]

(TBT) It's the day after Christmas...

...and now speeds on the last week of the 2017. It will be a new year soon and there are some things I have to get off my chest.

1. Christmas lights are not a jewelry accessory. If I see you outdoors wearing Christmas lights around your neck, I will pull you aside immediately so we can have a conversation.

B. I'm a Scorpio. What does that mean? It means that I am extremely passionate about the things, people, and morals that I am passionate about. It means that I am possessive with a woman living somewhere on the inside that is ready to snatch a wig should a b*tch step out of line. It means that I am generous and if I love you, there is access to all my resources can provide. It means I am always into something and the project I'm working on today may not be the same one I'm working on tomorrow. It means I'm easily annoyed, bored, and pissed off. I can eventually talk myself out being annoyed, and I always have something to do but when I'm angry, confront me head on even if you're afraid and it won't hurt as badly. Giving me space and time only allows me to think up new ways to piss you off in return. Whatever you give me, I'm fully capable of returning the favor. Everything else you think you know about me is up for debate.

3. When I was 12, I had the opportunity to substitute teach for pre-K and then assisted with 2nd graders. I've been a camp counselor for 15 urban 9-year olds and even had one kick me. I had one try to walk away from the group and I sat on him. I don't like disobedient children or pets. Cats are notoriously disobedient yet I have two. Guess where they are? Away from me.

[buginyourear]

(TBT) Adventures of the Emotionally Unavailable #2 (Written in my early 30s)

I could’ve had a boyfriend by now. I probably could’ve been married again. Relationships are never really out of reach. We make the choice to ’ve connected or not to be. To be available or to be busy.

Occasionally in my reflection, I feel a certain sadness for those I’ve left damaged in the wake of my emotional unavailability. It’s not their fault for falling for me since I’m a great person (ego much? Yes…much ego lol). But I have always and will always choose what’s best for me.

Now here’s a little known secret. It’s important to understand that the term “emotionally unavailable” can be hard fast or conditional. Hard fast means I just got out of a long term relationship and I am CERTAINLY unavailable for anything emotionally involved.

However, conditional emotional unavailability is just that…conditional. For example, sure, I’m busy. But I’m also stressed and if you are willing and able to be my escape…you might find yourself in my heart without me realizing it. No, I don’t need an obligatory entanglement. But give me what I need and you’ll be everything to me. Just a hint for those who are pining after an emotionally unavailable crush. Of course, you have to decide for yourself if you’re willing to put in that kind of work for us emotionally unavailable creatures. It can truly wear you down mentally and honestly, I don’t recommend that road. But it’s up to you.

In conclusion, being emotionally unavailable is just as difficult as trying to seek out the affections of the emotionally unavailable. We're all so afraid to feel that we paralyze ourselves. It's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to feel again...

[buginyourear]

(TBT) Adventures of the Emotionally Unavailable #1 (Written in my early 30s)

Some Sam Smith songs are great for the emotionally unavailable. I woke up inspired to listen to him and was reminded that one of my favorite songs on his album is “Nirvana”. The bass line spoke to me immediately and, being the introspective introvert that I am, I had to question why.

Some lyrics: “Oh baby, oh baby, oh we both feel the same I’m not gonna give you my name And I don’t think you want that to change. We’re in this together We don’t know who we are Even if it’s moving too fast Maybe we should take it too far.”

Quintessential temporary connection. Reaching out for something but wanting nothing. Sure I’m busy. Really busy. Stupid busy actually. But we make time for what’s important to us, don't we? Let's keep it casual because I just can't handle anything too heavy. I blame technology. Facebook, Blogging, Instagram, Texting, Twitter, Online Dating are all inventions of loneliness. We're apart of groups but we're not really there. We browse each other's lives and form opinions and say we really keep up but we don't truly connect do we? How likely are we to walk up to someone we find intriguing at the book store or grocery shopping? We avert our eyes from other human beings, focus on our phones and tweet about that person we ALMOST talked to. We'll even inconspicuously take pictures of each other to laugh amongst our FB friends. Can you imagine someone else's view of our society? We must look like jerks. We can't even look one another in the eyes, the windows to our souls. Of course, I can't put the entire blame on society...but that's part #2... ejsr

[buginyourear]

(TBT) Psychic Murmurings

I went to see a psychic yesterday. And before you gasp, clutch your pearls, and call me a devil worshipper...it was for fun. She said a lot of things and they are all true but it was something fun to do. Being introspective she didn't say anything I didn't already know. I’ll take it by category:

1) Career: I’m meant to have one long career. But I dabble around and get distracted from my goals. She said I’m meant to be creative. She also said that I was supposed to do something career wise a long time ago but something got in the way of that but now you’re going back and you’re overthinking it but you’ll be successful. Money is important to me and because of that I’ll always have money and I’ll always make money. I can do many different things so I’ll have money.

2) Health: I’ve been over thinking my health but I’m strong and everything’s alright. I’ll live a long life. I shouldn’t worry about my health.

3) Love: I have a hole in my heart. Someone who I was involved with a long time ago changed me and the way I look at Love. Love is most important. I’ll always have money and career but love is what is most important and I have to realize that. That person who changed me a long time ago, I belong with him. I feel the energy and connection and it’s undeniable. I’m supposed to be with him but there’s a block on my love. The block is draining my energy. (she offered a candle to clear the block for $400).

4) Family: I’m close with my parents but my root is detached. I’m not happy with my living situation. It’s usually not possible to fix that chakra (my stomach chakra) but she will try for me (and $400, a discount her mother would never give).

5) Marriage: I’m meant to marry twice and have four kids, two boys, two girls.

6) Power: I’m very strong. I’m very positive. But people around me are using me and in particular there’s someone who doesn’t want to see me be successful. They’re working against me (and for $400 she can burn a candle and figure out who that is).

[buginyourear]

(TBT) My Interests at 34

I have few passionate interests at 34. I think our interests and passions change as we age and I'm quite happy with mine. 1) Spirituality and belief. I'm interested in how my belief in God has taken shape in my mind, heart, and spirit. I find value in the applications to my life and how God manages it all. I have questions. I have doubts. As a grown person, I'm comfortable with my spiritual variances and ability to walk in faith. I see growth and more room to grow for the future. 2) Music. Anyone, whether they've known me for a moment or a lifetime, can tell you that music is what I do. Sick or well, happy or sad, music brings me back to center. I'm at my best in a rehearsal or leading in a worship service. 3) Money. Money makes the world go 'round. It will buy food for dinner and an education for my children. I do possess a trait of laziness but the older I get the more I hustle. I work harder so I can play harder. 4) Ambition. I'm interested in what's next. What's coming down the road. What will this opportunity turn into? I'm excited to see the vision! Things I'm not interested in at 34. 1) Love. Been there, done that. I've put aside music and work ethic for marriage and kids. That part of my life is over. Besides, companionship always tends to find me. 2) Sex. My focus is on my interests. 3) Drama. If you're not with it, you can get left.

[buginyourear]

(TBT) Work Frustrations

It’s 7am. Everywhere people are showering, getting dressed, or leaving for the day to go to their jobs. Whether in a cubicle or at an open desk, many will be beginning their work day soon, if they haven’t already. And me? I’m sitting in my recliner searching job listings for the 3rd month of my unemployment.

I’ve realized why I’ve been passed over. I’ve applied to hundreds of AP jobs since my last temp assignment ended. Despite working in the same field for 8 years, there are three skills I haven’t acquired which are necessary to be a well-rounded AP Analyst: Cash flow projection, Journal Entries, and Bank Reconciliations. Unfortunately, these skills weren’t apart of my job description. I primarily pushed paper, fixed things, and resolved issues. I was a liaison for people and managed the finance technical systems. Sure, I paid bills and ran reports but my job was to keep things together so the actual accountants could do their jobs. I was an imposter.

I’m not an accountant by trade. I tried to take one accounting class and almost died. Besides, to me, a colorful right-brained individual, working in a gray cubicle on the corporate hamster wheel was a slow death anyway. Since I’ve only had two major jobs in my lifetime, focusing the first part of my adulthood on raising my children, I’m sorely lacking in experience. My bachelor’s degree is useless. So what are my options?

Costco. Olive Garden. At worst, McDonald’s or Panda Express. Retail hell.

Or school...with the hopes my side hustle can get me through.

So off I skip to class… :)

[buginyourear]

(TBT) Men and Women

I've always maintained that men and women were created for each other but in very specific ways. Adam was created alone. He was in the Garden of Eden by himself playing with animals and trees and such and had to realize he was lonely. When Eve was created, she was created for Adam and therefore had the desire to be with Adam.

Regardless of orientation, men need women in a very specific way. In many ways, women contribute to the ego and framework of a man. Women have the power to motivate or tear down a man. She can whisper a few words and make him feel like he just climbed Mount Everest.

Women desire men (family or relational) in a general way. No matter what, we just want to be around them. Sisters always tease and mess with their brothers because they love them and want to be around them. Women value their male friends and always want to be around their husbands or boyfriends.

We were created to be different but we need each other, not just as lovers, but as friends, confidants, and companions.

[buginyourear]

(TBT) I learned a life lesson yesterday

You can't vent to those you lead. Yes, I know this sounds like a no-brainer but hear me out. I love you. You love me. We're a family. So I talk to you about my struggles, issues, and how I feel. My uncertainties, my disappointments, my desires lie with you. That sounds okay, right? Sure...until I lead.

Then, while I'm leading, I'm not that person with struggles, issues, and disappointments who vented to you before. While I'm leading, I'm the leader. But the lines get blurred and my family gets out of line while I'm leading. They disrespect me and question my decisions in public instead of privately in the sanctum where I vented privately. It almost feels like a betrayal of trust. I was made to realize yesterday that this betrayal of trust is my fault.

You love me. I love you. We're family. But I cannot confide in you if you are unable to draw the boundaries necessary when I am leading. Despite what it may seem in this private moment, I am not unsure. I am nervous but no amount of venting will help that. I am worried but I've pleaded with God to use us as empty vessels for His will. I am curious about your opinion but I already have my marching orders.

I never realized a leader's life had such an element of solitude to it. But it does. I learned yesterday that the problems I'm encountering with my dearest people questioning my leadership is my doing. I invited their thoughts and opinions. I discussed what should privately be between God and I. From now on, as a leader, I go with God. I'll no longer seek the validation and comfort of my closest circle because God put me in this ministry. His is the only voice I should seek after... ejsr

[buginyourear]

DRAFTS

I have 9 drafts sitting in my queue from years ago. I'm about to let them loose. If it offends, I hope I've been forgiven by now because I wrote these YEARS ago lol...

Enjoy this throwback Thursday.

ejsr

[buginyourear]

If you read my last post on this blog that said I'll be consistent and look at the date, you'll notice that I'm not lol... But I want to be and that's what counts right? Suuure lol...

Today is my first day off work, for the most part, in quite some time. I plan to clean my home today, top to bottom and throw away all of the things I haven't used in the past 6 months. Or at the very least, I'll pack them away in a box and put them in the basement. I can be a bit of a minimalist and purging is my happy place. Soundtrack to cleaning and purging? Trap music.

Make it a productive day even if you're not on a specific schedule. Get the writing done, work on that song, or return those calls/messages. Make some progress.

ejsr