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Internal Battle of Insecurities

Dating in college can be fun, confusing or a life changing experience. You find yourself dating for thousands of reasons, but sometimes you find yourself dating for reasons that everyone can see except you. Sometimes dating can be an absolute struggle.. and you may not even be the one dating while finding yourself in these struggles. The struggle that I face the most is the constant battle of insecurities. Insecurities that are not even my own, but have become my own over a period of time. 

Roommates: People that can make or break you. 

Roommates can build you or break you. You may feel confident in yourself, but if the people you live with are not confident, it can take a toll on you. My relationship with my roommate hasn't always been the best, but we've been friends since middle school. Our friendship started out like most, through mutual friends. Like most friends, we shared our secrets like who we were crushing on. I told her about my crush of 5 years and she had no idea who he was, partly because he was sort of new to the school. Three days later she realized she did know him and began to have a crush on him as well. Giving it a solid week of trying to understand that I found out she was sleeping with him and with time, they began to date. Fast forward about six years and here we are, college roommates and she's still dating him. He’s happy, genuinely happy. Her happiness on the other hand is something I question. Her motives seem to have a hidden agenda. She says she needs more attention than he is giving her. Yes she told me that. She told him that as well. She told him getting attention from any guy that I talk to is her way of getting all the attention she needs. 

Jealousy: a feeling that can drive you into doing almost anything. 

This may seem like jealousy. Like I am still holding on to my five year crush. But maybe it’s possible for me to be simply finding myself to be insecure about all the normal things girls are insecure about and she's pulling it out of me. Maybe two years of her talking to every guy I take interest in is making me feel inferior to her, and it does. Should I really feel inferior to someone who wants attention from any guy I give attention to? I’ve been told it shows she feels threatened by me. Maybe that is a compliment. It’s not a question of if she wants attention from my love interests, but a question of rather it is because of intimidation by me or a lack of attention from him. He’s not exactly overly affectionate, he’s more like me in that aspect. Maybe I compare him and I because I am still holding on, but maybe I am not. 

He’s always been someone I hold dear to my heart, but as the years have gone on I have felt that my love for him is the same I’d feel for an older brother. I have great respect for him and so much love, but a brotherly love. No questions have crossed my mind of that love being anything more than a brotherly love, until recently.

 Recently, my roommate, him and I went to a social event where his parents and my parents joined us. After enjoying the night and messing around with each other like we all have done since we were little, it all seemed to be normal. Normal for everyone. We all had a comfortable and familiar get together. Enjoying the time with my parents, hims parents, him and my roommate with everything feeling like it has for a while now, we left going our separate way. I meet my roommate back at the house and things were normal, but slowly things have began to change. Every move she makes revolves around who is around and how she can make me seem like the lesser person. 

Feeling like a lesser person for weeks now, I felt if it was best to see what my parents would think about moving next year. It seemed like the best decision for me. I explain to my parents what all has been happening and they agreed that maybe it is best for me to move out. My dad, never really caring who I have relationships with, and my mom hang up the phone to discuss what probable causes she would have for treating me this poorly. My dad privately (and without intent of me finding out) shares with my mom a fatherly intuition he has been having. The intuition being that “him” and I will end up together. My mother, not so secretly, shares she has been having the same feeling lately. She later in the week calls to share these “intuitions” they have shared with one another. Hearing those words brought my clear and organized thoughts of everything I have ever felt to a halt. My mom has come to a well thought out idea that maybe my roommate believes him and I have something. Maybe that would be the reason she wanted to live with me to began with, to keep an eye on me. With an idea this thought out I couldn't disregard this claim without thinking it through. Could it be true? Could my roommate really think this? Memories rushed back to me from about a year before. He was thinking about leaving her. Her first action was to tell me about it and explain that she wouldn't be upset if they broke up, but she was wondering if I would once more try to be with him if they did actual split. Of course I didn't think about trying to be with him again. The idea of him and I seemed like a life time ago. He’s like a brother. 

Reevaluating all the feelings I have had and now do have for him, I had to think long and hard if I too could see a future with him if they ever broke up. Reevaluating is all that I could do if this many people are questioning our feelings. Weeks later and I am still reevaluating. Reevaluating and wishing I could ask him his opinions on everything. Does he need to reevaluate as well? He does brag on me a lot, but that could be a brotherly thing to do. He did just tell someone that he wanted to date me before my roommate came along, why would be bring that up? That was a while ago. 

I started choosing to think of this more logically. Would be even be compatible? Do we have the same important beliefs? Morally are we similar? I have no clue. The only thing I do know it, I do not want him to compare her and I sexually. She’s very much a free spirit in that way and is opened to letting people join them. Obviously he is into that sort of thing. I am not going to be enough for him in that way, I'm just not. I know for sure I don't want to be the person that comes after that, what a let down. I don't even try to compete with her for guys she hasn't sleep with, much less someone she has been with.

I have come to accept that I will not know any of these answers any time soon. I just need to work on winning the battle of my own insecurities. A win that will not allow her or anyone bring me to the point of feeling anything less than perfect, because I am perfect in the eyes of my creator.