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went to the movies with the acquaintance today
#and our other friend but he's not relevant#he is dating my cousin#anyways#he has such a vibe that's like#a boy you had a crush on when you were 14#like hot in a douchey way#like he would burp in your face#crushes gatorade and smokes weed#but he's kind of an earnest sweetie pie#but i don't know#yeah anyway he is sexy#honestly this is all because he got a serious girlfriend in between my first meeting him and now#in a way that being capable of having a long-term gf makes a man dateable#and last year we were at coachella and he wore this pakistan soccer jersey#and that really did a lot for me#I've always thought he was cute because he is but i was like hmmmm....... is acquaintance extremely sexy??#but I put those thoughts away bc he had a gf at the time#I fear I will fixate on this because I'm expending so much effort writing about it#i don't really think that I need to obsess over him#it's not like I'm going to date him#but I'm honestly so shocked by how attracted I am to him now#it has never been like this before#I think he's less nervous around me now#I think from interacting with my cousin so much (my cousin who is dating his friend)#people who know her through me or me through her do this thing where they ascribe the things they feel about her to me because we look alik#so i think he's looser around me these days#idk he doesn't seem like a nervous person in general#he's putting out this confidence that makes it really really hard for me to not flirt with him#I've been told I'm a natural flirt#I honestly had to do my best to tone it down in front of our friend
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finding myself in a conundrum where I am consistently baffled by an acquaintance and always confused by his behavior but, unfortunately, extremely attracted to him
#honestly it's like physical attraction is such a powerful thing#we have absolutely no personality chemistry#but I'm so attracted to him that it makes chemistry out of thin air#i want him BAD#my mind is so cloudy around him#but his personality is so far outside my understanding#he’s not a douche but he’s so douche-presenting#i'm so confused by my body's response to him#and back in college when he liked me I was like hmmm idk if we really have a vibe and I don't get his deal at all#but over time how hot he is to me has come to outweigh that fact so significantly#it's like every time I see him he gets hotter to me#he's such an inappropriate choice for me#he doesn't even live here#I wish he did#so i could bang him out of my system#he's pretty weird#not in a hot way mostly in a confusing way#but the more i get to know him the more it's an endearing trait#but it's not a trait that makes me want to have sex with him#on the other hand#he has this amazing head of thick shaggy black hair#I wish we had chemistry so that we could flirt#he's like the opposite of my high school ex bf who I have insane chemistry with#and is weird in a way that's definitely hot#but I don't find him that attractive#and yet I am attracted to him#I wish I could smush them together
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Nisha in "My Bewitched Love" for Pap Magazine by Paula Dizmar
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