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[burgerteamgo]

Next Level Burger - Here’s tempeh. It is what it is.

Next Level Burger is a chain that serves 100% plant-based food. Karen got the Signature burger with cheddar style “cheese” ($8) and organic tater tots ($3.25). TJ got the All-American burger ($8.25) with organic crinkle cut fries ($3.25). They both had water to drink ($0).

T: These fries are... not great. Under seasoned.

K: Uh oh. Feel free to try some tots.

T: Thanks.[He tries a tot] Better.

K: Yeah, the fries don’t taste like much.

T: It looks like they’re seasoned, but it tastes like nothing. What kind of patty comes on yours?

K: An umami mushroom and quinoa patty. I can see your tempeh bacon sticking out of your bun there. And you got the All-American?

T: Yup. It’s the “savory meaty patty.” To be honest, I am put off a little bit by the buns.

K: Because of how…hearty they look?

T: I’m already eating a meatless patty. I don’t need the bun to be extra healthy too. I need pleasure with my nutrition.

[First bites]

K: Ooh! It is umami. It’s got a real savory taste. And I forgot mine has avocado!

T: Oh, what!

K: The cheese is good and melty.

T: I like how it’s called “cheddar style” or “Swiss style” cheese.

K: Oh wow, I forgot it’s not real cheese.

T: That’s good though!

K: This is a first. I’ve never been tricked by vegan cheese before.

T: I don’t love this patty, but the tempeh bacon is really delicious and adds a lot of flavor. How do you like yours?

K: I’m pretty impressed. Swap bites?

T: Sure.

[They swap bites]

T: I really like the umami patty.

K: Yeah, it’s good, but it’s already breaking apart. Yours has more structural integrity.

T: It tastes like every other veggie burger I’ve had though.

K: I like that the bacon in yours has a little crisp to it. I didn’t taste much of the patty though.

T: I don’t think it has a lot of flavor.

K: There’s a lot of white sauce on mine. I guess it can’t be mayonnaise because mayonnaise has eggs in it. So this is imitation mayonnaise?

T: It’s probably just canola and….stuff? You can make a white sauce without eggs.

K: True. I watched the vegan episode of the Great British Baking show recently. It was pretty fascinating because they made, umm, what’s the stuff with whipped egg yolks?

T: Meringue.

K: Yeah! But they did it with chickpea juice. It sounds crazy, but you whip it up just like egg yolks. It takes longer, but it bakes exactly like meringue.

T: Really? Huh.

K: So, maybe there’s chickpea juice in this sauce, is I guess what I’m saying.

T: Gotcha.

K: I think I like this more than the Impossible burger.

T: I agree for your patty, although I liked the rest of the White Owl Impossible burger more. I had a better bun and toppings. It’s not enough that something is plant based. I want it to be delicious. I was just at the Bye and Bye on Alberta. All their food is vegan. They had a super cornmeal crusted tempeh sandwich there and it was like one of the best things I’ve eaten in the last month. This isn’t even as good as that.

K: I wonder if it’s because your burger is trying to imitate something else, as opposed to if you’re just like, “Here’s tempeh. It is what it is.”

T: Yeah, like, “Here’s mushrooms. You know what mushrooms taste like.”

K: Now I wish I’d come here for Burger Week. They did a peach something.

T: They did?

K: Yeah, that’s how I found out about this place. Burger Boyfriend came here and said it was one of the best burgers he had all Burger Week.

T: This is a hard burger to judge because every bit I get with the tempeh bacon is really good and every bite without it is not.

K: We have said that if bacon is the best part of the burger then it’s cheating. So, that goes for tempeh bacon too.

T: The bun reminds me of an airplane dinner roll.

K: Yeah! It’s dense, with just a hint of cardboard.

T: These fries are super disappointing. I think they’re air fried or something.

K: Ooh, maybe. Probably my tots too. Maybe that’s why they remind me of the frozen Ore-Ida tots that you make in the oven.

T: That must be why they’re so dry. I’m just eating dry potato.

K: They’re really just a conduit for ketchup at this point.

T: The tots are better than the fries.

K: Still not really seasoned though.

T: It’s like, I know you don’t want to fry them, but you can season them. Salt is vegan!

K: Ha! Salt is vegan.

T: I’m gonna get some more water. Do you need some?

K: Yes, please.

T: To be fair to Next Level Burger, there is salt and pepper next to the water that we just didn’t see.

K: Oooh, that’s kind of on us. But it should be on the tables. Come on!

Ambiance

T: I would describe the aesthetic as feel-good-corporate-fast food. The space is designed only for efficiency. It’s cold and impersonal, so they try do hide it with murals and inspirational slogans.

K: I was reading the slogans on the wall over there. “Spuds that satisfy.” Wait, “satis-fry.” Whoops.

T: That’s a misnomer because nothing here is fried, otherwise it would taste better.

K: Touche. “Guilt-free goodness.”

T: Goodness is a strong word.

K: Yeah, I wouldn’t call the fries “goodness.”

T: “Better buns, son.” These are not better buns.

K: “Sustainable bamboo.” They put bamboo in this stuff?

T: No, the skewers are bamboo.

K: Oh, so it’s not actually in the food. I do like bamboo shoots though, that might be good on an umami burger.

Sides

T: What would you give the tots?

K: Umm, they were ok. They weren’t as good as deep fried tots. Maybe a 6.

T: I would give the fries a 4.

Rating

K: I would give this burger a 7.

T: I think you made the right choice with the umami patty.

K: Yeah, I think I would have this again.

T: I think I would order the BLT next time. The tempeh was the best part of this. I would give mine a 5. I don’t like it as much at the White Owl Impossible Burger and I think we gave that one a 6. So that sounds about right. Yours is a little better than White Owl and mine was a little worse.

[burgerteamgo]

White Owl Impossible Burger - Burnt Tastes Like Burger

This review took place on Halloween, October 31, 2018. TJ and Karen each got the White Owl Burger ($14): an Impossible Patty (a “meat-free, plant-based burger”), American cheese, lettuce, onion, Moonbrine pickles, burger sauce, and a Grand Central bun with fries. Karen got some kind of beer that she thinks was called “Everybody’s Amber,” but can’t quite remember ($5 during Happy Hour).

K: Ok, here we go. Finally time for the Impossible Burger!

T: It does look very similar to meat…

K: I read that it bleeds like real meat, but so far I don’t see any fake vegetable blood, thank god. Still, I’m pretty freaked out by this.

T: I know, me too. It’s...

T&K: [together in unison] Spoo-ooooky.

[First bites]

K: I taste… a lot of melted cheese, which is good.

T: Which is great! The patty itself tastes beef-adjacent? I’m struggling to describe this flavor.

K: Yeah, there is a little bit of that not-meat aftertaste. It’s hard to tell what I’m tasting when I take a bite of the whole thing. The patty definitely doesn’t stand out the way beef does. It’s not the star of this show. The texture is scarily similar though. Also, it looks like we have different burgers. The buns are different and yours is more cooked than mine.

T: Mine is on the edge of burnt. Not that I’m complaining. Wanna swap bites?

K: Sure.

[They swap]

K: I can taste the patty more in yours because it’s so well-done and crispy.

T: You also have a softer bun than I do.

K: Interesting. This is the first time we’ve ordered the same burger somewhere and gotten different burgers.

T: Curious.

K: Spoo-ooooky?

T: Kind of.

K: Ok, I’ll stop. I mean, all together, it does taste good.

T: Yeah, I’m enjoying eating this. I think I like it a little less though because it’s trying to imitate a burger and I’d rather just have the real thing.

K: That’s how I feel about most food imitations. I’d always rather be eating the real thing. This is just OK.

T: It’s salty, which is good. There’s an interesting flavor to it. And the burger is constructed well. I like the classic American cheese and pickles and sauce.

K: All the ingredients are good. It doesn’t fall apart like some veggie burgers. And I guess it’s, like, better for the environment and stuff.

T: Red meat is pretty horrible for the environment.

K: This is true.

T: I guess if I were not going to eat meat anymore, this would be a pretty good replacement. Although sometimes I just like a veggie burger that doesn’t try to imitate meat, like a black bean burger. It’s not trying to be something else, it’s just a different kind of deliciousness.

K: I think the true test of this will be how I feel after eating it. Like, will I feel heavy and bloated afterwards like I’d just eaten red meat? If that’s the case, then what’s the point?

T: We should do a check in later to see how we’re feeling.

K: Agreed.

[Chewing]

K: It looks like a burger and kind of tastes like a burger and it’s moist and juicy like a burger, but there’s not a drop of grease coming out.

T: Spooo-ooooky!

K: I just got a little bit of a charred flavor.

T: Which is funny because it just tastes like burnt, but burnt tastes like burger.

K: Burnt tastes like burger! So true.

T: My patty is coming apart a little bit now.

K: I’m trying to think what would ever cause me to eat more of these. Maybe just if I feel bad about eating meat so much, but honestly, for someone who has a burger blog, I don’t eat a lot of red meat.

T: Same

K: I read an article about how they made Impossible meat and it said that scientists experimented with recreating, like, the tendons or ligaments or whatever in cow muscle. It sounded like such a horror show. I’m glad this isn’t so accurate that it has meat gristle and weird stuff in it. At least it’s just a soft, nondescript texture.

T: High praise.

K: It’s not meat, you can say that for sure.

T: Yep.

Ambiance

K: I do like the ambiance of this place when it’s not crazy crowded on the weekends.

T: It’s nice. I’m really into the fact that the bartender is dressed like Freddy Mercury.

K: Same. I meant to compliment him on his costume, but I got distracted by burger and beer options.

Sides

T: These fries are not good. Crispy, but unsalted.

K: No flavor.

T: The sauces are good. The ketchup has a little spice to it and I always appreciate burger sauce on the side.

K: Fries get a 3.

Rating

K: How do we rate this burger? Do we do it on a normal burger scale?

T: Sure. How much do you enjoy eating it?

K: Hmm...

T: If I was gonna rate this burger from 1 to 10… I think 6. I dunno if it would be higher if I only ever are veggie burgers, but as someone who is a connoisseur of burgers, this is a 6.

K: Yeah, maybe it’s a lifesaver for vegans and vegetarians and people who’ve had heart attacks, but not for this burger girl.

T: That said. It’s a well crafted burger. All the elements land well. The bun, the sauce, the pickles, the American Cheese.

K: The shredded lettuce.

T: Shredded lettuce is great. So yeah, if you’re a vegetarian, get this burger.

K: I was gonna give it a 5.5, but you did sell me on all the other ingredients, so I give it a 6 too.

Update (via text message at 8:55pm that night)

T: I was a little gassy after that burger.

K: Same. Can’t tell if it’s more or less than a normal burger though.

T: Agreed.

K: The verdict is still out.

[burgerteamgo]

Guero - The Secret Weapon

TJ and Karen (and friend of the BTG! Erica) all got the Hamburguesa ($11), with American cheese, chicharrón de queso, tamarind tomato, pickled jalapeño, habanero slaw, lettuce, guacamole, and mayonesa. It comes with a side of tortilla chips.

K: Hold the phone, is this a layer of crispy cheese at the bottom???

T: Yep. Just, like, straight up fried cheese. I think this is the chicharrón de queso.

E: Oh my gosh, there’s this diner in the town in Connecticut where Jared’s from that has a burger like and they’re really proud of it, so I’ll have to tell him that there’s a place in Portland that does it too.

[First bites]

K: That makes this crunchy fried cheese seem slightly less special, but no less delicious.

T: It’s just the right amount of burnt cheese. Not burnt, just crispy and brown.

K: Plus there’s melty American cheese, a TJ fav.

T: My burger is cooked medium, but still juicy.

K: Same. No pink, but still good and real juicy.

E: I think this is on the messier side. I dunno, you guys are more experienced. Do you think it’s messy?

K: Yeah, my hands are already covered in juices. Not just from the meat, but from sauces and everything. But considering I’ve had a burger spew juice all over me on the first bite, this doesn’t seem that messy.

T: Yeah, the bar was set pretty high.

E: There’s some raw onion on here. I’m not a fan.

K: I would always prefer cooked onions. I just got a bite with no meat at all and it was still pretty good, not sure what that says about the overall burger.

E: Is this a traditional Mexican meal that you can get in Mexico?

T: I read it’s a traditional Mexican street food. They just turned a torta into a burger.

[chips crunching obscures audio]

T: The middle bites of my burger have been really incredible. The creaminess of the guac, the warmth of the peppers, the sweetness, the textures. There’s a lot, but it all works together really well.

E: That’s why I like to cut my burger in half and start in the middle.

T: I do not believe in cutting burgers. But to each their own.

K: It’s pretty good for an $11 burger.

T: It’s a great flavor combination. It’s not a novelty burger. The flavors all fit together.

E: I really love this crunchy cheese. I want to try it on its own.

T: It’s like the best part of the nachos, when the cheese gets brown on the edges.

E: I wonder what kind of cheese the crispy cheese is, because not all cheeses will do that.

K: I’ve had parmesan crisps, but I doubt they used parmesan. Not a very Mexican cheese.

E: What do you guys think about shredded lettuce?

K: I like it. It gives more crunch in every bite.

E: When it’s shredded you get more even distribution instead of one big lopsided leaf of lettuce that sticks out the sides.

T: Let’s be real, unless you’re putting arugula on a burger, leafy green stuff does not do anything flavor-wise.

K: True. But shredded lettuce at least holds more sauce in the burger, maybe that’s its only purpose.

T: Yes! More surface area for sauce!

E: If you’re not going to eat the burger right away tough, shredded lettuce can get really gross and wilted.

[chips crunching obscures audio]

K: I know this burger has Mexican flavors, but I still prefer fries with a burger over tortilla chips.

T: I know. The chips are not as good as fries, but I appreciate that they are delicious and salty, but not overly greasy. They’re like a really nice Juanita chip. You know how Juanitas feel oily? In a good way.

K: Just the right amount of oily.

E: It’s weird to have chips without a dip though. No salsa?

K: I guess you’re supposed to count on burger droppings.

T: Or put them inside your burger, like potato chips in a tuna sandwich.

E & K: YESS!

E: I used to put potato chips in my salads.

K: That sounds amazing. Actually these chips with burger drippings on them are pretty delicious. It’s like a burger and nachos in one. I take back my previous statement disparaging the chips. Also, I love that there are not just two kinds of cheese, but two textures of cheese. Impressive.

T: Double cheese power.

E: The crispy cheese is definitely the secret weapon here.

T & K: Definitely.

Ambiance

K: This place is Portland hip with a touch of tropical and Mexican vibes. Still low key and unpretentious though. I like it a lot. Plus we sat outside and it's hard to fault outdoor seating in Portland in the summer.

T: Agreed. I like how light and airy it feels on the inside. The decor gets across the what this place is without leaning into irony or fiesta.

Taste

K: I give it an 8.5.

T: Yeah, 8.5.

K: It might be because I haven’t had a burger in a long while, but this is delicious. So much here to love.

T: It might just be because I’m starving, but this is a really good burger. Or hamburguesa. The flavor palette works so well. Also, shout out to Guero for making super soft torta buns.

K: Mmm, crispy cheese hamburguesa.

[burgerteamgo]

Trifecta - What is pimento cheese?

Karen and TJ both had the Pimento Double-Cheeseburger with fries ($16).

K: Hmmm…

T: Hm…

K: Hmm?

T: Hmmm?

K: These fries are the perfect amount of salty.

T: Agreed. They’re lightly fried, yet perfectly crispy.

K: Like McDonald’s fries, but less chemical-ly.

T: Exactly.

K: I can’t remember if this was a double burger the first time I had it.

T: How long ago was that?

K: I came when it very first opened. So, a few years now?

[First bites]

K: How are your burger patties cooked?

T: Well, one is pink and the other is... not pink.

K: Seems like they should both be cooked the same. That doesn’t bode well.

T: All together there’s like 50/50 pink to brown ratio.

K: The math on that doesn’t seem right.

T: Yeah, that would imply an overall pinkness of 50% but that’s not the case. So like… 25/75? Too well done?

K: [shrugs]

T: My first bite was amazing, but I think it’s just because there was peak pimento in that bite. Now that it’s all starting to drip out of the burger I’m enjoying it less.

K: Scooping up the pimento that leaks out with the fries is pretty great though.

T: There’s not a lot to this burger. It’s just bun, sauce, cheese, and weirdly cooked patty. There’s no veggies. No crunch.

K: I thought I saw part of a green chili, but it was just a chunk of something in the pimento sauce.

T: I’m just gonna say it. I don’t know if I would like this so much if it weren’t for the pimento cheese. It does all the heavy lifting.

K: Let’s be honest, pimento cheese is like cheating. You could put it on an old boot and it would probably be delicious.

T: I’d eat that.

K: Question: What is pimento cheese?

T: Honestly...I have no idea.

K: The red things inside green olives are pimentos, so….?

T: So pimentos are… tiny, micro… pickled vegetables? And they mix them into creamy cheese?

K: Sure. Let’s go with that.

T: Thoughts on the bun?

K: It’s very flakey. Almost like a croissant. Ooh, a croissant burger, that sounds good. But it would have to be a really hearty croissant to not fall apart. And at that point would it still even be a croissant?

T: Despite all the Great British Bake Off I’ve watched, I can’t say.

K: Excellent structural bun integrity here anyway.

T: So, how is it having your first burger back in Portland after six months away?

K: Pretty great. I’m back with my Burger Husband and this is the perfect size burger for me and I was really hungry.

T: What was the best burger you had on your travels?

K: Mmm, Switzerland. I had a few hours to spend in Zurich, so I hunted down this place called Holy Cow! It was kind of hip, but you still order at the counter. All their burgers had caramelized onions, which makes SUCH a difference! Caramelized are a million times better than raw onions. And it was all grass fed beef, because Switzerland.

T: Ugh, sounds awesome.

K: The burger, drink and fries cost me about $20 though, which was the only downside.

T: What a... bargain.

K: Yeah. It’s good to be back.

Sides

T: These fries are a 9. So good.

K: Yes, and they stay good. They haven’t gotten weird as they’ve cooled.

T: We should come back just for fries and pimento cheese.

K: AGREED.

Ambiance

T: Trifecta falls into that very woodsman-y and overly hip category of restaurants.

Taste

T: I would give it a 7.

K: It’d give it a 7.

T: And the 7 is only because of the pimento cheese.

K: Yep.

T: It’s a decent burger, but the pimento is what makes this special.

K: If the patties were not quite so overdone, and there were pickles, it would bump it up a few notches.

T: And if there were more cheese.

K: More cheese that stayed on the burger.

[burgerteamgo]

Portland Burger OF the week

We have been burger blessed in Portland because The Portland Mercury has created #burgeroftheweek to get us through all the long weeks between Burger Week.

We can’t review every burger. But if they’re all as good as the premiere burger at Pop Tavern (The Pop Pepper Zinger) then this will be a good year.

It was a whiskey soaked patty with pepper aioli, pickled onions, cilantro, and so much mozzarella. A unique flavor palette that worked together perfectly.

[burgerteamgo]

Burger Week 2018

2018 marked TJ and Karen’s fourth Burger Week together. Over the years, their burger relationship has grown from a shy and uncertain friendship bonding over medium rare patties, to a committed and thriving burger union - a true Burger Marriage. This year, their burger excitement was stronger than ever, but the burger scheduling proved challenging. Some of the burgers had to be eaten separately. How did this Burger Week measure up to previous years and can the team’s burger marriage survive separation? Find out below...

Monday

Karen and TJ kicked off Burger Week together at the divey and annoyingly named, Home, A Bar for “The Fat Brando and shared their burger thoughts post-burger.

K: A thin, overdone patty - seems to be a common theme of Burger Week this year. The flavorful marinara sauce mostly made up for the overcooked patty and the crunchy pickle was a surprisingly good contrast to the sweetness of the sauce. The "Caesar salad" on top could barely be noticed except for a wisp of Parmesan in my last bite. 6/10 

T: Burnside brewing did a burger like this a few years ago, a bit better. I agree with all your points. I do like how this burger translates an Italian meal into a burger except for the sourdough bun, it felt a little tough. 6/10.

Tuesday

Scheduling conflicts forced the burger duo to enjoy burgers separately and text their burger reviews to each other.

K: The “Over the Rainbow” burger at Bar Bar appeared to have good quality ingredients, but again a small, slim patty that could barely be seen between the overpowering bun. The pineapple and teriyaki sauce were the stars of this burger, giving it the perfect balance of sweet and salty. The sauce seemed to disappear the longer you ate though, perhaps absorbed into the massive bun. 7/10

T: New Seasons has put out another solid burger this year with “The Block Party”. Instead of reinventing the burger they lean into their strengths, quality local ingredients, to produce a burger that tastes far more expensive than $5. If you're looking for an exquisite bacon burger, with a little bit of smoke, this is it. 8/10

K: New Seasons consistently puts out an awesome burger. I’m sad I didn’t get it too!

T: It was pretty tasty! Hey, did you get a picture of the Bar Bar burger for the blog?

K: Umm….sure.

K: Sorry, that’s is the only one I have.

T: Did you... did you take  out another man for a burger?

K:...

T: Did our burger vows mean NOTHING!?

K: You’re one to to talk! How do you explain this???

K: You have a Burger Mistress?

T:…

K: How will we explain this to our loyal burger fans!?

T: I’ll put out a press release ASAP for damage control

[The authors of Burger Team Go! would ask for privacy during this time. We remain committed to bringing our burger reviews to the public and our burger union remains strong]

Wednesday

After much soul searching, tough conversations, and loads of burger couples counseling, TJ and Karen reunited Wednesday night for the much anticipated danwei canting “Spicy Tails & Trotters Pork Burger”.

K: Great, quality ingredients. The marinated cucumbers were crispy and flavorful, not overly salty. The cabbage added a great crunch and held in all the delicious, creamy Chinese mustard. And a nice thick juicy patty and a good-sized bun to match, but not overwhelm. Overall an excellent burger that had us asking, "Are pork burgers simply better than beef???" 8.5/10

T: I have a weakness for pork burgers. If this were on their menu I would order this on the reg. The flavor palette here is complex but subtle, a little spice, a little sourness, but always letting the richness of the pork burger shine through. This burger feels like it was constructed for Burger Week, it's not a novelty. 9/10

Thursday

The burger team was separated once again, and Karen braved the long lines at Stoopid Burger for the “Crazy Carl” to see what all the fuss was about.

T: Well, how was Stoopid Burger?

K: This burger was the real deal - a thick patty, crispy and fried around the edges, but still juicy on the inside. I’m not usually one for a burger with crazy toppings, but the fries and onion ring on this really worked. I think Stoopid Burger might be one of my favorite fast burger places in Portland. 8/10

T: Who did you go with?

K: ….. A friend.

T: WHO DID YOU GO WITH??

K: Please! Can we just keep this about the burgers?!

Friday

After a long and tumultuous week TJ and Karen reunited at The Lamp to share one last Burger Week burger, “The Spicey Cracklin Burger”.

K: This may have been the thinnest patty of the week and definitely the most charred, but not in a good way. I was really excited about the idea of crispy fried chicken fat, but now that I’m eating it the texture is a little strange. Crispy but melty at the same time? I do appreciate that they offer pickled veggies as a side cause I don’t think I can eat anymore fries for a while. 5/10

T: Though It’s a run of the mill patty what I love about it is the crispy fried chicken skin and the flavor of the spicy harissa toum sauce against the sweet pickles. There’s a lot going on both in flavor and texture. My only complaint is that the crispy skin breaks up pretty fast so you get diminishing returns on the texture. 6/10

K: There were a couple of stand-out burgers this year, but I’m concerned that Burger Week burgers are getting punier overall. There were a lot of thin patties this year.

T: I think this trend correlates with how popular it has become. Burger Week is a victim of it’s own success. More and more people go out for burgers and a lot of places, especially bars, aren’t going to do hundreds of hand pressed patties a day. I get it. But also, there’s becoming a huge disconnect between the promo photos and the burgers we’re served. I feel like most burgers are thrown together haphazardly.

K: So, we’re all good? I’m sorry I called Erica your Burger Mistress. You OK with me having a Burger Boyfriend?

T: The heart wants what it wants Karen. Perhaps burger-monogamy is not for us.

K: The strongest Burger Marriages are the ones that can embrace change. I think we’ll only get stronger because of it.

[burgerteamgo]

Le Pigeon - French urban doing French provincial

Karen and TJ both had the Le Pigeon Burger with a butter lettuce salad and blue cheese dressing ($17). TJ had a Fever Tree Ginger Beer ($5) and Karen had a glass of Pinot Noir, but she doesn’t remember the exact kind ($14).

K: ...there was one day when he texted me to ask how my morning was going and I thought, sure, I can answer this. So I told him a little about being bored at work or whatever. Then he texted me around lunchtime to ask how it was going and I felt a little uneasy, but I gave some short answer. Then that night and was like “How’s your evening going?” and I just didn’t say anything because I don’t even talk to people I love that often, let alone Tinder dudes I don’t even know. I’m not big on the constant stream of text conversation. It’s not happening.

T: Wow.

[The burgers arrive]

T: So, this is a blue cheese salad? Seems kinda… common.

K:  I really like this presentation though. The lettuce is arranged like a rose. It’s a lettuce rose! And even though the dressing is creamy, it looks light. And it has chives in it?

T: So a fancy blue cheese salad?

K: It sort of goes with the whole farm to table vibe this place has. It tastes like they just walked out and picked this lettuce.

T: Yeah, the decor is doing everything it can to say French urban doing French provincial.

K: I can’t believe how small this place is...

T: If you had shown up one minute later we would be waiting for space at the bar.

[TJ takes his first bite]

K: You did it! You got a little bit of the top bun. It’s not a giant burger, but it is very tall.

[Karen takes her first bite and burger juice erupts onto the napkin on her lap, all over the front of her dress, and drips down her hand]

K: Agh! Ee! It’s really hot burger juice!

T: It is. Maybe you’re supposed to eat the salad first and let the burger cool? Wow... You got it all over you.

K Crap. I guess I have to do laundry tonight.

T: This is the rarest “medium rare” burger I’ve had. It’s very, “You’re gonna taste this beef.”

K: This is the messiest burger I’ve ever eaten.

T: Messier than Stoopid Burger?

K: I think so because that one didn’t erupt all over me. I feel like a huge greaseball right now. And this is a pretty fancy restaurant to feel like a greaseball in.

T: Well? What do you think other than that?

K: The bread definitely tastes homemade and rustic.

T: I like the coleslaw, it’s also in the light blue-cheese dressing I think. There are pickled onions on here that are really delicious.

K: Oh, is that what that is? I thought it was a beefsteak tomato. That’s a whole fatty slice of pickled onion.

T: The bites with the onion are the best. It’s so crisp and tart.

K: There’s like some red sauce on the bottom.

T: Umm, that’s ketchup.

K: Ha! I thought it was something fancy because of how fancy this place is.

T: And there’s mustard on the top bun.

K: Fancy mustard?

T: Probably.

K: Is this the most expensive burger we’ve eaten so far?

T: For you it is. My burger at Yakuza, with the fancy egg on it, was valued at $20 but I got it on happy hour.

K: Just because you ate a more expensive burger doesn’t make you better than me.

T: I’m just willing to throw money at burgers. Which, depending on your viewpoint might actually make me a worse person than you.

K: This is one of the first burgers I heard about when I moved here, so I’m glad I’m finally eating it.

T: Same here. But…

K: But?

T: I have some critiques. Let’s start with the bread. I appreciate how rustic it is and how it fits in with the whole provincial ambiance here but it’s not easy to bite through.

K: It squishes everything in the center out, which is probably why I’m covered in grease right now. Also, this is the third time today that I’ve bit my lip in the exact same spot.

T: I’ve had those days.

K: Yeah, it’s making me grumpy at this point. Not the burger’s fault though.

T: Can a burger be too juicy?

K: Well...this one did explode all over me. That was a little much. I could have done without that. You should be able to eat a burger with your hands without completely drenching yourself in grease.

T: Good thing you didn’t wear white.

K: I know, right? This is probably the best burger eating outfit, a loose fitting black dress. Gotta leave space for the burger gut. We should do a side note about Burger Fashion. What do you wear to eat a burger?

T: No belt.

K: Definitely no belt.

T: Also, I try to keep my sleeves rolled up. Don’t want burger juice down your sleeves.

K: I like this wine now. It just kicked in and got really good.

T: It wasn’t good before?

K: No, but wine just kind of does that. First sip, it’s like kind of tart or not something I’m used to or whatever. And then halfway through it gets better and then you like it.

T: I think you’re describing getting drunk.

K: Yup, I hear it now. That is what I was describing.

[Karen looks around the restaurant]

K: [Quietly] Do you see anyone else who ordered the burger?

T: No, I think we’re the only ones. This is a very serious place to eat. I think we’re the most casual people here. Everyone else here is here because they’re on dates, or have lots of money, or are foodies waiting for the three-course chef’s special.

K: This is definitely a special occasion place.

T: This is a special occasion! You’re leaving Portland.

K: You’re right. From now until September is a special occasion, Burger Husband. Let’s make the most of it.

Sides

K: I was impressed with the butter lettuce salad. It was light and fresh and looked like a beautiful flower. But let’s be honest, fries would have been a hell of a lot better.

T: I hate when you’re at a restaurant and the server asks if you want fries or a salad with a burger. I’ve already ordered a burger, I’m obviously not thinking of my health. But yes, for how simple this side is it’s impressive. Light and flavorful at the same time.

Ambiance

K: Very fancy in a “we’re trying to look rustic” sort of way. It’s trying very hard to appear like it might be an upscale small restaurant in France. It’s... fine. Probably a good place to take a date you’re trying to impress.

T: The tight quarters mean you can hear everything that everyone says. So maybe not a first date. Maybe a second date. Or bring your partner here on an anniversary. If you think that long-lasting love is a real thing.

K: Wow.

Taste

K: It was good, but didn’t live up to the hype I’d heard since moving to Portland. I wouldn’t want to order such a messy burger in such a fancy setting again. I give it a 7.

T: I can recognize that it’s a dressy take on the classic burger with quality ingredients, but I think it was a little too understated for my tastes. I’d say 7.5.

[burgerteamgo]

Burger Week 2017

2017 was an epic year for Burger Week in Portland. With over 40 restaurants participating, the decision of which establishments would receive our hard earned burger dollars was not an easy one.

TJ and I knew we had to meet up to hash out a game plan. Pulling up our Google calendars and the Portland Mercury’s official Burger Week map, we realized right away that we would be limited to places we could get to at a reasonable hour on a weeknight. Due to a pre-scheduled camping trip, we would sadly not be able to extend the burger celebration through the weekend. That meant we would have only three precious nights of burger bliss. We had to be efficient. We had to be strategic.

First, I ruled out the only donut burger on the list because the thought of it “made me want to vom.” TJ then quickly ruled out Biwa’s “Instagram Burger” on account of he really hated the name. We were on a roll. We picked places we had never gone to during Burger Week in previous years and we stayed away from the most historically crowded places where burger waits were known to exceed 30, even 45 minutes. Sauces and crazy toppings were important in our decision making. After nearly 40 minutes of intense burger negotiations. We finally had our three locations. We were ready to burger.

Monday: Kells - Ballycastle Sausage Roll Burger A ground pork sausage roll with a demi-glace and melted cheese on a ciabatta bun with lettuce, tomatoes, and red onions.

T: Have you ever had a sausage roll before?

K: No. My first thought is that this just looks like a pool of cheese. It’s wiggly.

T: I think the sausage roll is shaped into a donut. We’re getting baked meat in pastry dough, covered in cheese, inside bread.

K: I kinda want to cut it in half just to see its structure. I know it’s against our burger rules, but…

T: I’ll allow it.

[Karen cuts her burger in half]

K: Oh, this is juicy… it kind of looks like a pot pie got squished into a burger.

[First bites]

K: It’s really delicious.

T: I ate a lot of sausage rolls when I lived in New Zealand. It was amazing. You could get them everywhere. In America we have the gas station hot dogs that spin forever in warmers, but in New Zealand it was sausage rolls and meat pies sitting out under heat lamps.

K: New Zealand sounds very advanced.

T: The juice that came out...It’s not grease. It’s more like a stew. It might be the demi... fancy brown sauce.

K: I wonder if this is a burger people will overlook because it’s so unusual.

T: Well… is it technically a burger?

K: I don’t care what it is! It’s so good.

T: I’ve had a couple bites and I think that the plain burger toppings are a good choice, just lettuce, tomato and onion. The sausage roll is so rich I don’t want much else.

K: Nothing else needed. Even if you don’t get sausage in a bite you still get the flavor from the pastry dough. It soaked up all the flavor.

T: I was talking to someone earlier this week and they were all, “Kells isn’t known for great food,” and I was like, “IT’S A SAUSAGE ROLL IN A BUN HOW CAN YOU GO WRONG?”

K: Did you have the problem of people knowing you like burgers and asking you to go to Burger Week with them?

T: No.

K: I had a friend ask if I wanted to do Burger Week with them and I was like, “Hello! I have a burger husband.” It’s like a friend asking you to hang out with them on your wedding anniversary or something.

T: I could totally eat another one of these.

K: I’m slowing down but I’m not done.

T: Don’t you quit on me. What’s your rating?

K: I’d say an 8, by Burger Week standards.

Tuesday: Noraneko - Nacho Burger A cheeseburger with guacamole and a habanero and cumin crema. TJ ordered a homemade grapefruit soda and Karen got a homemade genmai cream soda, guessing that genmai was a type of tea, but not sure.

K: Ok, Noraneko. Here we go!

T: Let’s do it.

K: My initial reaction: this looks like a cafeteria Sloppy Joe.

T: Yes, the fact that it’s served in a tiny paper tray reinforces that.

[First bites]

K: I got some guacamole in that bite.

T: It’s nice.

K: I can taste the tangy cheese and something kind of chili-esque. I don’t know how well it goes with my genmai cream soda...but I don’t really know anything that would go with this soda.

T: My burger is pretty well done, which is a little disappointing. It’s obviously a pressed patty.

K: I have a little bit of pink in mine, but it’s a really thin patty with no taste, so it doesn’t really matter much.

T: I do like all these sauces on it though, particularly the spicy sour cream sauce.

K: It tastes like a chip dip. Sour cream taco mix dip.

T: The whole effect really tastes like a nacho, so I guess they succeeded at what they set out to do.

K: I like that it’s easy to eat and not falling apart.

T: I wish there were chips on it to give it a crunch.

K: The other Burger Week “nacho” burger has chips on it.

T: Maybe we chose wrong. Also, the guacamole is doing all the heavy lifting on this burger.

K: It’s not bad, for a $5 burger.

T: Yeah, although the Kell’s burger was only $5 and it was incredible. Also, I just ate this burger in like seven bites. It was too small.

K: Good thing you ordered chicken karaage before.That stuff was delicious.

T: So, what’s your rating?

K: I would say a 6. I really don’t like the thin patties. It’s hard to make those taste good.

T: I don’t think that burger is going to make me feel full. If I spend money on a burger I want to be full. I think I’m going to be hungry again in an hour.

K: I get that. But that’s a TJ problem. That’s never really a Karen problem.

T: Hashtag “TJ Problems.”

K: Different perspectives, here on the burger blog.

T: Is there a schism in Burger Team Go?!

K: There might be! Usually this works so well because I always have leftovers that you eat and we each get the right amount. Now I won’t have leftovers and you’ll be unsatisfied.

T: It’s a travesty.

K: What’s your rating?

T: I would give it a 6. But everyone should come to Noraneko for the karaage.

Wednesday: New Seasons – The 84

Originally slated as a break day, Karen and TJ each ended up getting the New Season burger separately on their lunch breaks. They both agreed it was simple but well done with high quality ingredients. The Beeler’s bacon and Walla Walla caramelized onions were particularly delightful, and the thick, medium rare patty was burger perfection. A surprise 8 ranking from both.

Thursday: Las Primas – Tangy Peruvian Cheeseburger A fire-grilled beef burger with chili-pepper mayo and Peruvian chili-pepper sauces. Served with house-made pickles and Peruvian-style slaw with cabbage and jalapeño, with pepperjack on top.

T: Did you try the pepper sauce with the fries?

K: The pepper sauce is delicious!

T: SO GOOD. When I used to live around the corner I came here often. God, Williams is so different now.

K: I like skinny shoestring fries like this. I’m excited for this burger cause it said it had a lot of sauces, which is usually a good thing for an inexpensive burger.

[First bites]

T: I actually like the cucumbers on this. They’re bright, like pickles.

K: But not quite pickles. So far I’m not getting a lot of flavor from the sauces.

T: It’s uneven. Some bites are spicy and some are just ‘grilled burger flavor’.

K: Did I mention I love these fries through?

T: Unlike this burger, the fries will still be here after Burger Week.

K: This patty is pretty bland. Another thin pressed patty.

T: I don’t think burgers are part of the regular fare here. Oh, that bite had some kick. I think you get all the heat from this burger after the bite.

K: There’s jalapeno.

T: The sauce is too runny and runs down the burger. My last bites were the spiciest.

K: I’m kinda disappointed with the flavor of this burger.

T: I expected more. I wish the flavors were stronger. This is just a plain burger that’s a little spicy.

K: It’s not very distinct. I give it a 5.

T: Agreed. It was out-shined by all the regular menu items. The empanada and churro we had were excellent.

K: Not the best burger to end on.

T: We’ll always have the sausage roll burger though.

K: God, now that was a good burger...kind of.

[burgerteamgo]

Clyde Common - ...Chewy...

We each had the Clyde Common Rodeo Burger during Happy Hour (bacon, American cheese, fried shallots, Marshall's habañero BBQ, pickles, $8). We also got a side of fries ($4). Karen had a glass of the House White wine ($6) because she’s not picky about her wine, only her burgers.

[Garbled voices]

T: Whoops, my phone wasn’t working. I fucked up the recording. I think we were talking about melty cheese?

K: A lot of melty cheese.

T: You know I’m a fan.

K: There’s a sweet flavor to this burger. I think it’s the ketchup, one of those organic ketchups that has cinnamon and crap. It’s kind of distracting.

T: I like ketchup on burgers, but I also don’t want it to be too distracting. That’s why Heinz is perfect.

K: Heinz can never be beat.

[Silence]

T: This bun is really… dense. Soft, but dense. I’m not really sure what kind of bread this is.

K: The meat doesn’t have a ton of flavor.

T: Yeah, my burger is definitely well done.

K: Same.

T: This kind of reminds me of a super fancy Big Mac.

K: Yeah. It mostly tastes like bread and cheese.

T: Lots of cheese….Oh, I just some bacon. Nice, thick bacon.

K: Haven’t gotten to the bacon yet. But I love the pickles.

[Silence]

K: Can you taste the fried onions?

T: I got a couple. They were really crunchy.

K: I haven’t noticed them yet.

T: I don’t notice the flavor, only the texture. I mostly taste cheese.

K: No complaint there.

T The bread reminds me of baked bao. That thick and doughy consistency.

K: I was thinking it was like a soft pretzel, but stickier.

T: Mmm, a burger on a soft pretzel? I’d eat that.

K: I finally got to the bacon. It’s really smokey.

T: I think I saw there was something jalapeno-y on here. But it’s not that spicy.

K: Habañero barbeque sauce.

K: I feel like this burger is too messy for a fancy place like this.

T: That’s why it’s on the happy hour menu. Everyone’s de-stressing from the day. You’re allowed to be messy.

K: Yeah, people at happy hour are animals, more beast than man.

[Silence]

K: Wow, this bread is super chewy. It’s hard to swallow.

T: You really gotta chew to get this burger down.

K: That explains our lack of talking.

T: I am chewing A LOT. Now that I’ve made it to the middle, I’m starting to get the spice and sweetness from the barbecue sauce. I really like it, but it’s only at the center. All the edges were dry.

K: Yeah, I never got every flavor in one bite.

T: You have to eat around the burger then into the center where it’s better.

[Silence,chewing]

T: Man, that bite took awhile to get through. Really bready.

K: Between the bread and cheese there’s a lot of… stickiness.

T: Kinda gummy.

K: Thank god for the crispy onions.

T: Yeah, when you actually get a bite of them they’re great.

[TJ finishes his burger]

T: Karen, you’ve got a lot of chewing left.

K: Working on it. Is this the same burger they had last time you came here?

T: I can’t remember the last time I managed to catch happy hour here. The burger used to be really plain. You had to add bacon and cheese separate, but every basic component was the best possible component. Like the Grain & Gristle burger.

K: Mmm, Grain & Gristle burger…

T: I used to work really close to here. It used to be the best $5 burger you could get downtown and you used to be able to ask how you wanted it done. I think it’s trying to be a super fancy Americana/fast food/woodsy type thing.

K: It’s trying to be a lot. It’s trying to be highbrow and lowbrow at the same time. Not sure it's completely succeeding at either. The cheese and patty are lowbrow, everything else is highbrow, including the price. It’s old and new Portland mashed together.

T: Question: When someone says, “Let’s get a burger,” do you automatically assume that means a cheeseburger?

K: Yeah...(thinking)...yeah, of course. Burger automatically means cheeseburger to me.

T: Exactly. If there’s a burger, I want cheese on it. Always. Even if cheese is extra, because that’s how you eat a burger.

K: Cheese is always implied.

T: When someone says, “Let’s get a burger,” and chooses not to get cheese, and they’re not lactose intolerant, I feel like they don’t understand what a burger is.

K: Yeah, but you’d never say, “Let’s get cheeseburgers.” Right?

T: No. Even Popeye’s friend says “hamburgers.”

K: Why does that distinction even exist?

T: Yeah. I’m pretty sure cheese was invented before hamburgers. It’s not like cheese wasn’t always an option. Hamburger should imply that there’s cheese included.

K: Follow up question: Why is the term “hamburger”? Did burgers used to be made of pork?!

T: We’re going to need to do some serious burger research...but not right now.

K: I finished! This is the first burger I’ve finished in a long ass time.

T: Well, it was appropriately sized for you. It’s a dainty burger “for her.” Not that women can’t eat just as big a hamburger as a man can, but you know, sexist marketing and all.

K: Thanks for clarifying. In my case, this was the perfect small burger for me and I just happen to be a lady. Maybe some man would also just want a dainty-sized burger.

T: Totally. But not me. Ever.

Sides

T: The fries are the same, which is good. Slim, greasy but crisp. Perfectly salted.

Ambiance

T: Clyde Common is nice. Hip. Very Hip. In that tavern-y way. Too hip sometimes. I recommend getting a seat by the windows. Then you can watch all the guests coming out of the Ace Hotel. They all look like they’re from LA and New York. It’s fascinating to watch.

Taste

K: $8 is a lot for a happy hour burger. I wasn’t super impressed with the flavors, plus all that chewing. I’ll give this burger a 5.

T: This definitely isn’t the burger I loved when I first came to Portland. I’d give it a 5 as well.

*Bonus Info: The term “hamburger” originated in Hamburg, Germany. So the “ham” prefix has nothing to do with pork, thank goodness.

Clyde Common 1014 SW Stark St Portland, OR 97205

[burgerteamgo]

Pop Tavern - Crossfit Horses

We each got a happy hour burger $5 ($1 for cheese). TJ also got a side of happy hour fries ($2) and a soda.

T: Are there any condiments on this?

K: I think I see mayo, but it looks a little dry. I’m going to put ketchup on mine.

T: I’ll start with that and see how it goes.

K: It’s really juicy. Already dripping.

[First bites]

K: Plenty of pickles. That’s a good start.

T: It’s a really basic burger. Mayo, pickles, onions, and shredded lettuce. But the bun is good. And the beef is actually pretty tasty.

K: Yeah it has a grilled flavor instead of no flavor. It tastes a little like an In-N-Out burger. Are you getting that?

T: Dunno, I haven’t had one in a long time.

K: I had one a few weeks ago. Some friends and I went to Joshua Tree and stopped at In-N-Out on our way back to LAX.

T: What were you doing in Joshua Tree?

K: Umm, sort of a fashion shoot? My friends are all photographers and stylish and gorgeous, so they wanted to take pictures. I got to model for some of it. It was weird.

T: Why weird?

K: Dude. I’m not a model. I write a burger blog.

T: You should have done a windswept photoshoot at the In-N-Out.

K: Shit, you’re a genius. Next time, for sure.

T: We should do windswept photoshoots for our reviews.

K: Haha! Yes!

T: How would you compare this to the $5 Happy Hour burger at Double Barrel?

K: I dunno...that Double Barrel one is really good. I’d say this is a good replacement for the Club 21 burger though, since that place got torn down.

T: Sigh. Goodbye, Old Portland. I heard the owners will open a new place and move the menu there.

K: Let’s hope so. But it won’t be a cool as eating a weird little castle restaurant.

T: Agreed.

K: This cheese is really melty. You always love that.

T: You know me well. And it’s chedder, not American, which takes just a little more effort to get melted. I appreciate it the extra effort.

K: It’s the burger details that matter.

T: This patty is huge. It’s a half pound of beef.

K: Yeah. It’s kind of amazing.

T: For five dollars it’s really amazing. Not compared to a super fancy burger, but for $5 I’m super happy. Plus it’s right by my house. And happy hour is till 7:00pm.

K: Location plus price makes this a great deal . . . for you.

T: Pretty sure your glowing review of Double Dragon included it’s proximity to your house.

K: Fair.

T: It kinda reminds me of . . . a state fair burger. Do you know what I’m talking about?

K: Yeah. All the classic burger elements, designed to please the widest possible audience of burger eaters

T: And it tastes the same no matter what state you’re in.

K: How are the fries.

T: . . . Not great. They’re basically Sysco fries. The big chunky crinkle cut ones. There’s not even salt on them. I had to season them myself.

K: Sort of glad I didn’t get fries. They look dry.

T: The only positive is that they were hot. Which is the lowest possible bar for fries. After I ordered I saw there were onion rings, I should have go those instead.

K: My bun is starting to fracture.

T: Mine is doing OK. I think it’s a potato bun.

K: It’s not crumbling. It’s just splitting apart on the seams.

T: Relatable.

K: Are you talking about the buns or making a vague reference to your mental state?

T: The second. Lately I feel like I’m fraying at the seams. But also, now there are seams, a structure, when before there was just a shapeless despair.

K: That’s something.

T: I’ll take it.

K: My burger tastes dry. I think all the grease leaked out the back and it’s not as juicy now.

T: Yeah, mine too.

K: Just dip the burger back into the drippings, I guess?

[TJ dips his burger in burger juice pooled in his basket and takes a bite]

T: Yep, that worked.

K: How do you feel about them charging extra for cheese?

T: I think you should only charge extra for cheese if it’s really fancy cheese.

K: Agreed. A dollar for a slice of American cheese? Ridiculous.

T: I’m on the fence about charging for cheddar.

K: Blue cheese?

T: Yes. Gouda, also yes.

K: I gotta put mine down. It’s not holding together. It’s barely a burger anymore.

T: I’m done.

K: Same. Good size burger. Not much to write home about.

T: It’s one of the biggest, cheapest happy burgers in the city.

K: Beats Burgerville.

T: And much better décor, but no milkshakes.

Ambiance

T: I like this place, it’s a little kitschy, a little dive-y. Oh man, [pointing at a painting on the wall] those horses have crazy abs.

K: I was just thinking that!

T: Those horses are ripped.

K: They must have a Crossfit membership.

T: That is truly one of the finest light paintings I’ve ever seen.

K: Truly.

Taste

K: I’d give this burger a 6.

T: Yeah, seems fair. I will definitely come back and try another burger, probably the one with curds, big fan of curds.

 Sides

K: How would you rate the fries?

T: I’d say a 3. I had to salt and pepper them to get any flavor on them. They were fried pieces of potatoes. Can’t say much more about them than that. I’d get the onion rings next time.

[Editors Note: TJ came back later for a happy hour burger with a friend and got the onion rings. They were just OK.]

Pop Tavern 825 N Killingsworth St. Portland, Oregon 97217

[burgerteamgo]

Double Dragon - Impromptu Burger

We split a Banh Mi Burger ($11) and Miso Gravy Fries ($9). We each ordered a Burt Reynolds cocktail ($9).

T: We’re cutting this burger in half. We never cut burgers.

K: We’re breaking one of the cardinal rules of burgerdom.

T: I don’t want to put this in the review....but we must. For journalistic integrity.

K: In our defense, this was an impromptu burger. I already ate, so it’s impressive that I’m even eating half a burger right now.

T: This bun is so soft. It’s hard to cut. Also, I’m already a little drunk because my alcohol tolerance super low.

K: You’ve only had three sips!

T: The Burt Reynolds is mostly whiskey.

K: THREE SIPS.

T: I told you!

K: Well then your opinion in this review is suspect.

[TJ pokes at some vegetables on the side of the plate]

T: Would you consider these pickles? They’re more like pickled cucumber.

K: They are pickled cucumber. Which is what a pickle is, but I’m not calling them pickles. They’re too mild.

T: Give it a ranking on the pickle scale.

K: A two. It’s more cucumber than pickle.

T: Fair enough.

K: The nice thing about cutting a burger is seeing the cross-section, and this is a colorful burger. Orange sauce on the bottom, white cheese on top, carrots and pickled red onions and nice and pink in the middle.

T: A solid foundation.

[First bites]

T: It’s good.

K: Very good.

T: I love the spice on this. Is it the sriracha aioli this spicy?

K: I’m not sure.

T: I love the spice against the super melty American cheese. YES.

K: You are talking very loud.

T: YES.

K: The first flavor I got was the charred bun. It was nice and smokey.

T: And there is bacon on this?

K: Yes.

T: The burger patty itself is super delicious.

K: I like the cilantro on top and pickled veggies as opposed to lettuce. Great texture.

T: I don’t usually love cilantro, but I love it on this burger.

K: Yeah, all these flavors go really well together.

T: This bun is super good.

K: I haven’t had a lot of banh mi sandwiches to compare this to. Would you rather have this or straight up banh mi?

T: I don’t think you can compare them. Every banh mi I’ve had came on a baguette, and I’ve never had ground beef on a banh mi. Though I did have ones with ham-loaf slice when I was in Vietnam.

K: Yeah. They’re usually pork or chicken or tofu.

T: Really the only thing that seems like a bahn mi is the cilantro and pickled vegetables. Regardless, this is a really good burger. I can’t believe I’ve never had this before.

K: I have no complaints about this burger.

T: Agreed.

K: But I wish there was a side. Besides the Burt Reynolds.

T: I love the Burt Reynolds. It’s good. You can tell cause I’m drunk already. Also, I keep wanting to call this drink the Tom Selleck because I loved Magnum PI as a kid/had a crush on Tom Selleck. And older white men with mustaches all look the same to me apparently.

K: I think this might be one of my favorite bars in Portland.

T: I’ve only been here a few times.

K: It’s really close to my house, which might make me biased.

T: Yeah, it’s pretty far from me.

K: But also the patio is really nice in the summer.

T: I had a bite with no burger and it was still really good.

K: Yeah?

T: It was just cheese and sauce and vegetables on toasted bread. Delicious. Also, I agree about the texture. It brings this burger to the next level.

K: Mmm, the pickled carrots.

T: I don’t usually love carrots, pickled or otherwise, but I love them on this burger. I think this now one of my favorite burgers. I love how unique it is.

K: It’s unique, but it works. It’s not just a novelty all these flavors go together. I also like that they give their workers health care here. You pay an extra 3% on your bill so they get insurance. It says it on the menu.

T: That’s great. I’m happy to pay 3% so that someone gets healthcare.

K: Same. Now if we could only get the GOP on board...

T: Damn, I could totally eat a whole one of those. I might get more food later. I need actual dinner before I go out.

K: Their fries are good here. They come with sriracha ketchup. And their pulled pork rice bowl might be my favorite meal in Portland...besides burgers.

T: Did you see they have gravy fries with cheese?

K: Never had them.

T: What if I got those? Would you want some?

K: Well, obviously.

[Due to the amount of whiskey imbibed during this meal, we forgot to record us eating the fries but they were rich and salty and delicious.]

Sides

K: I give the fries a 6. They were a little mushy for my taste. More like a plate of spaghetti than french fries.

T: I give the fries a 7. It’s a rich dish, and I’m a sucker for rich food. But I can’t think of this as a ‘side dish’, this is basically an entrée.

Ambiance

K: It’s casual, but nice. I like the layout of the bar and the patio rocks. Plus, close to my house. It doesn’t get much better.

T: It’s committed to its retro-SE-Asian-fusion style. Like, in a owned-by-hip-white-people kind of way. It’s pretty small so I can imagine it’s pretty nice when the tables outside open up when it’s sunny. I can’t remember the last time it was sunny.

Taste

K: Overall, I give this burger an 8.75. It’s my favorite not-super-fancy burger in Portland.

T: I’ll give it an 8.75 as well. It’s delicious.

Double Dragon 1235 SE Division Street Portland, OR 97214

[burgerteamgo]

Lardo – Inauguration Day Stress Eating

We each got the Double Burger ($10) and shared a heaping plate of Dirty Fries ($8).

K: Mmm, the fries smell so good and garlicky.

T: The plain fries come with Parmesan and fried sage, but I’m glad we got the Dirty Fries with pork and peppers added on.

K: So, this burger has a double patty. Our first double patty review. Plus bacon. This is exactly what I needed today.

T: May these burgers ease our pain. Amen.

K: The Inauguration was playing on all the TV’s in my office all day, but no one really mentioned it. It was like working with a shadow of doom hovering over your shoulder and if you talked about it you’d die.

T: Wait, you have multiple TV screens in your office?

K: They’re usually set to silent news and sports.

T: If I’d had TVs in my office and someone mentioned the inauguration happening I might have just screamed till I bled out of my eye sockets.

K: I wanted to forget it was happening, but everywhere I looked it was right in front of me.

T: I figured the election was the worst I could feel, but the Inauguration was the final nail in the coffin. The nail also pierced my soul.

K: I kept hearing reporters say ‘President Trump’ instead of ‘President Elect’ and it was a stab in the gut every time. Like the last little shred of a security blanket ripped away.

T: Yeah...

[First bites]

K: It’s a big burger. Hard to get a full bite.

T: That’s been a problem for you. Need to work on your bite span.

K: The white cheddar is really amazing. Nice and sharp.

T: There’s pink in my burger even though they didn’t ask me how to cook it. Cause that’s how burgers should be.

K: The menu says that the burgers are cooked medium, but this is medium rare, which is perfect. How do you feel about the two burger patties?

T: I like it. You get a lot of burger flavor. Each bite is like 50% burger meat. I was a little unsure on the bun. It felt hard when I bit into it, but it’s just the crust that’s firm. It’s soft and gives when you bite into it.

K: Aside from being hard to fit into my mouth, I enjoy the double patty. Makes for a good meat to bread ratio.

T: There’s a lot of great flavors in this, but the beef comes through front and center.

K: The essence of a burger.

T: It’s a burger burger.

K: I like the pickle spear. I’ve just realized that with all sandwiches, not just burgers, I really like the pickle on the side. It punctuates each bite.

T: You’d even want the pickle at Grain & Gristle on the side? That was pretty intrinsic to the burger.

K: … Maybe I’d want the pickle on the burger plus a pickle spear on the side.

T: So, you’ve just concluded that you really, really love pickles?

K: Correct.

T: I’ve been gripping this burger so tightly I’ve flattened the bun into a thin tortilla.

K: Because of the stress of the world or because you just didn’t want to put the burger down?

T: Both.

K: I saw that Portland is doing Cocktail Week soon. I don’t think I’d participate with the same enthusiasm as Burger Week though.

T: If you did it might indicate a drinking problem.

K: Truth. And I don’t have a drinking problem, just a burger problem.

T: This bacon is surprisingly light. Usually when you get a bacon burger it’s like BACON, but this is just a hint of bacon.

K: According to the menu it’s “porkstrami,” so it’s really thin cut. It adds a subtle smoky flavor.

T: This is like the ultimate ‘I need comfort food’ meal, but kinda fancy comfort food.

K: You know you’re getting comfort food here. It’s called ‘Lardo’. You just come here to shove fatty food in your face.

T: That’s all I want right now. Fill up the widening hole of despair inside of me.

K: Burgers: Filling up the widening hole of despair in America.

T: Put it on a t-shirt.

K: These fries are AMAZING. The banana peppers are clearing my sinuses.

T: Now that I’ve had a big heavy gut bomb, these fries seem over the top.

K: Oh wow. That’s just a cube of fried pork fat in the fries.

T: Yep.

K: It’s like an inch wide.

T: It’s so beautiful.

K: It’s almost too beautiful to eat.

T: But we’re definitely going to eat it.

[TJ cuts off a slice of the cube, pairs it with a fry]

T: It’s pure flavor. Karen, you have to have a piece of this.

K: I think the fries are outshining the burger.

T: The Dirty Fries are basically a meal on their own.

K: I’m glad I only had a salad for lunch.

T: Did you plan that because we were having a burger tonight?

K: No, just trying to have a daily lunch salad to counteract all this beef.

T: Compromises must be made in life. Except for our fundamental rights.

K: How was the inauguration protest?

T: Good. Lots of people. Lots of riot police. There was a drum line, I spent most of the march near them.

K: I’ve already gone through two napkins. We should start rating burgers by napkin count.

T: This rates three napkins for me. My burger was dripping with Lardo sauce. [Burps] Ohhhhhh… I felt that. All the way up my esophagus. There’s no more space down there.

K: You say, as you keep eating.

T: I can’t stop!

K: I’m going to forgo some of my burger to make more room for fries.

T: Well now I have to finish your burger. That’s the rule. The rule I stupidly came up with.

[TJ takes a bite of Karen’s Burger]

T: Wait. Weren’t you sick this week?

K: Oh… well I’m probably not contagious anymore.

T: That was dumb.

K: I forgot.

T: Oh, fuck! I forgot to feed the office fish. Well, I’ll feed it tomorrow.

K: You’re going in on Saturday?

T: I gotta make up the snow days. I only have one vacation day left. I want to hold onto it.

K: Hold onto it tightly. Some things are too important to let go.

T: … Are you OK?

K: Are any of us really OK right now?

T: Touché.

Sides

K: I am giving these fries a 9.

T: I would gladly give these a 9. That is the highest score I think we’ve ever given fries.

K: The regular fries would be fine, but these are incredible. I love fries you have to eat with a fork.

T: I’m definitely going to be uncomfortably full after this. When we got to the bar I just want a bubbly water.

Ambiance

K: The atmosphere is nice and casual, but this music was a little too aggressive.

T: Maybe it’s their Friday night music.

K: A trade off since it’s usually too crowded at lunch.

T: It’s nice to come where when you have your choice of seats.

Taste

K: My burger was… a 7.5. Which seems low. It was good but I don’t know that it stands out.

T: All the parts are there, they’re good, but it’s not hitting it out of the park.

K: I wouldn’t say, “Oh you have to get the burger at Lardo.”

T: But you can also say, “You can get pretty much anything at Lardo and it will be good. It’s a solid burger.”

K: Yeah, good place for a group of sandwich lovers.

T: And fry lovers.

K: Indeed.

Lardo 1205 SW Washington St. Portland, OR 97205

[burgerteamgo]

Tilt - Get the Gravy Dummy!

Karen got the Breakfast Bacon Burger ($10), coffee ($3). TJ got the Fried Chicken, Bacon, Egg, Cheese breakfast sandwich ($10) and a slice of apple pie ($4.50)... to SHARE.

T: Is this your first breakfast burger ever?

K: Yeah, I can’t remember another time when I’ve had one. Wow. This is very...large.

[First bites]

T: (Laughing) That burger is comically large. You can’t even fit it in your mouth.

K: I tried! I couldn’t get the top half of it. So, yours doesn’t have a beef patty? It’s just fried chicken?

T: Yeah, it’s a big fried chicken patty too.

K: So far, so good. Mine tastes like a breakfast sandwich.

T: What do you think of the biscuit as a bun?

K: I didn’t really taste the biscuit much in the first bite and the bottom is already falling apart because it has egg yolk soaked into it. But I like the look of the biscuit?

T: This is one of those sandwiches that you can’t pick up and put down because every time you do the biscuit loses integrity. Never let go.

K: Yeah, they’re crumbly and flaky by nature.That always makes me eat something faster.

T: My sandwich is kinda dry. The meat is juicy, but the biscuit is dry. It needs butter or something.

K: Or a sauce? Like hot sauce? Or gravy?

T: Ugh, I should have gotten the gravy! They offered it to me and I turned it down like a dummy.

[TJ gets sauce.]

T: I got mayonnaise. Because...I love mayonnaise. I love it in a pure unadulterated way. It is love.

K: This is definitely the first time I’ve had a burger and coffee together.

T: Ooh! How is that?

K: Let’s see (takes sip). Surprisingly delicious. Totally works.

T: You know what this means? You need to start making burgers for breakfast.

K: Oh man, that sound great actually.

T: You want a bite of this?

K: Sure. Can we make the hand off without putting them down?

[TJ and Karen carefully deposit their respective breakfasts on the other’s tray]

T: Success.

K: Mmm, fried chicken is really good. All the flavors in yours go well together. That’s a classic breakfast sandwich.

[They trade back]

T: I just realized something:  it’s weird that there’s chilled tomato and lettuce on your breakfast burger. I didn’t really notice that last time I had it.

K: It’s like the breakfast and the burger part are fighting each other.

T: Ooh, but who will win?

K: Eating this feels like day drinking, like by eating this I’ve committed to doing nothing else for the rest of the day.

T: Yeah, like I’m gonna eat this breakfast burger today and that’s it.

K: Yup, just doing this and then go home and lie on the couch. Which might be good because it’s supposed to snow today.

T: I’m surprised that there’s still not many people here. It’s nice though. I never want to go out to brunch anymore because I hate waiting in line.

K: And this is just as good as an of the food I’ve had at the popular brunch places. I would have this over waiting an hour at Pine State Biscuits.

T: This is totally as good as The Reggie at Pine State. Damn, I should have got the gravy. I’m such a dummy! This means we have to get pie then.

K: Ok, that means I’m not finishing my burger.

T: If you don’t finish your burger, then I have to finish it. That’s the rule!

K: This is a lot of burger to finish. So, is this gonna turn into a burger and dessert blog?

T: If dessert is available. I mean, we started this thing with burger and milkshake and the milkshake was the standout of that review.

K: Did you end up doing anything for New Year’s?

T: Stayed home. I managed to stay up until midnight though...watching Netflix.

K: So you didn’t see the ball drop and the Mariah Carey fiasco?

T: No, I did not. Did you?

K: I was with friends, so we saw like the last six minutes of it. It looked rough, like Mariah Carey just gave up halfway into the song and put her mic down.

T: Wow, that’s an auspicious start to 2017. Started strong and then just gave up after six minutes.

K: Ugh, my top bun is totally falling apart now.

T: Don’t put the burger down, Karen!

K: This is just like the Mariah Carey performance… Oh wow, there’s been raw onion in here the whole time! Coffee and burger was good until I bit into the raw onion. Now….not so much.

T: Get out of here onions! Nobody wants you for breakfast. You’re not even cooked. Have you no shame?!

K: Yeah, these extra ingredients aren’t doing it for me. I’d rather have this without tomato and lettuce and raw onion. That’s not breakfsty.

T: This biscuit is breakfasty. And dense.

K: If you were to come back to get a breakfast sandwich would you get the burger or the fried chicken?

T: I think I would go fried chicken again. It’s easier to eat and it’s more delicious.

K: It doesn’t have all these pesky onions and cold ingredients.

T: It’s a little dry, but if I got the gravy like I should have but didn’t because I’m a stupid dumb-dumb, then it would be really good. Would you get the breakfast burger again?

K: I would go with the fried chicken. I don’t know if you can really turn burgers into a breakfast meal. What’s the difference between a breakfast sandwich and a burger?

T: Oh gosh, we’re gonna do burger philosophy again? I didn’t even a get a burger really. I got a breakfast sandwich.

K: Yeah, you totally cheated.

T: Well, if we make a venn diagram….

K: The only thing that differentiates this from a normal burger is the biscuit. Everything else is just mediocre burger.

T: Will you try another breakfast burger somewhere else or do you think it should start and stop here?

K: Hmmm...if anyone else if offering a breakfast/biscuit burger I will try that just to see what’s up.

T: What if you had gotten gravy on your burger?

K: Oh, that would definitely have made it more breakfast since gravy it totally breakfast. Put that on the venn diagram.

T: But what if it’s slathered in gravy and you can’t pick it up? Is it still a burger?

K: Oh boy, like if you have to eat it with a fork and knife is it still a burger? These are the big questions. We need to draw this out for sure.

T: Maybe we need a flowchart?

K: Get on it.

T: So, should we do dessert?

K: I could do dessert. And more coffee.

[TJ brings back pie. Karen brings back more coffee.]

T: Coffee and apple pie, now that goes together.

K: Oh yeah, it’s the best. But… the pie is cold.

T: I think because they gave it to us to-go by accident.

K: Apple pie needs to be warm!

T: Agreed.

K: It’s ok. Mostly tastes like sugar.

T: I like the cinnamon. I wish the crust was flakier.

K: It would be better warm with ice cream.

T: Sorry.

K: Oh no, that’s on them. They should just know that pie should always be warm and with ice cream… TJ, you didn’t even finish my burger.

T: I had a few bites.

K: That’s a quarter of a burger left behind!

T: More like a sixth.

K: Ok, I guess that’s fine then.

Ambiance:

T: Industrial chic, blue collar food, simple.

K: I don’t know how I feel about the napkins being grungy dish rags. It’s off-putting.

T: But they do absorb a lot and these sandwiches are messy.

K: Yeah, ok. And at least they’re not being wasteful, I guess.

Rating:

K: I wanna say a 6 for the burger, maybe a 5.

T: Mine was a 7, 7 ½.

K: I’m gonna downgrade mine to a 5. It had too many different elements. Pie was a 5 too. Pretty middle of the road.

T: Agreed. Pie is a 5.

K: Coffee is an 8.

Tilt 1355 NW Everett St Ste 120 Portland, OR 97209

[burgerteamgo]

[burgerteamgo]

Grain & Gristle - The Burger We Were Promised

We each got the burger and fries ($12, we added cheese for $1). Karen got a Breakside Wanderlust IPA ($4) and TJ got a house ginger ale ($2.50). We split a piece of the cake-of-the-day ($6, we added ice cream for $2).

T: Are there any condiments on this at all?

K: There’s a garlic aioli on the bottom.

T: Should I add anything? Ketchup?

K: It’s been awhile since I had this burger, but I think it’s pretty good as is. How do you feel about the size of this burger? Do you think it's too small?

T: It’s smaller than I thought it would be. Objectively, I think it’s the right size, but the glutton in me wishes it were bigger.

K: It's cute. You know, this is the only bright spot of my week.

T: Same.

K:  It might be downhill from here. My parents are coming tomorrow and staying for nine days. [Takes a swig of beer] Hey, how’s your heart this week? Hasn’t been long since the breakup.

T: Still broken. And now thanks to the election, we live in the backstory to a YA dystopian novel. Not even as main characters. We’re just going to be among the nameless millions who die before the beautiful young protagonist overthrows the evil empire.

K: Yikes. I’m surprised you’re even of the couch at this point.

[First Bites]

T: This is so good.

K: It’s really hot.

T: Also true. The burger juice burned my hands when it came out the other side.

K: I’m gonna keep eating my fries until it cools.

T: The fries are hot, but manageable. I think I’m in love with this garlic aioli.

K: Yeah. I don’t feel like I need any other condiments. Also, this is a juicy burger.

T: The beef is delicious.

K: Cooked to perfection.

T: This bun is delicious. I love how crispy it is on the inside. Super-grilled. I like the pickles too. More crunch.

K: I love pickles! A burger should always have a crunch to it. This burger doesn’t have a unique flavor, like the Yakuza burger. It’s just a burger with cheddar and pickles...

T: But it’s the best possible patty, the best possible cheddar, the best possible bun. It’s classic. Granted, the aioli is doing a lot of the heavy lifting. I know I said I would marry the first man to buy me a Yakuza burger, but I might also marry the first man to buy me this one. Or at least get engaged.

K: I actually did come on a first date here once, but the credit card machine was broken, so I paid for both of us.

T: Did you get the burger?

K: Oh, for sure.

T: What did he get?

K: We both got the burger. It was my idea. He wasn’t as impressed with it as I thought he should be though. Maybe that’s it - I don’t need a guy who’ll buy me this burger, just a guy who will appreciate my amazing taste in burgers.

T: That sounds pretty solid. If straight men weren’t mostly awful.

K: I believe the election clearly established that fact.

T: A bunch of my fries are now soaked in burger juice and aioli and they are incredible.

K: I’m getting huge bites of cheddar in my burger now. It all melted to the bottom.

T: It’s gravity. You can’t fight it.

K: Eh, I don’t have the energy to fight anything right now anyway.

T: I think it would still be super delicious without the cheese.

K: Agreed.

T: So, is this burger soothing your election pain?

K: It’s working for right now. But I don’t know what’s gonna happen when I stop eating it.

T: Should we order another? My burger is done and I’m facing reality again. I miss the burger.

K: Life is so much better when you’re eating a burger.

T: Truth.

K: If we can just make it from burger to burger until the pain ends we’ll make it through.

T: I don’t know if my checking account or cholesterol will handle that.

K: Well, you can fall back on your long, aimless, post-breakup walks around the city. They're free.

T: And it fills up the time till I can go to sleep.

K: Burgers and aimless walks.

T: My life sounds really fulfilling when you put it that way.

K: I don’t have much better. Mine has been burgers and Gilmore Girls reruns. Oh no, my burger is falling apart… just like everything in life.

T: Ouch. Jeez.

K: [Sigh]

T: I guess I’ll just have my third cry of the day now.

K: No crying in burger club! Actually that’s not true. You can totally cry here. By the way, have you found a good bathroom to cry in at work?

T: Oh yeah. There’s a really nice unisex/ADA bathroom below my office. I go there a lot.

K: I wish I’d had that at my office when I was trying to find a therapist. I was just crying in the hallway.

T: The thing is, the bathrooms aren’t soundproof. They echo a bit so you still have to cry silently.

K: Not satisfying.

T: But at least no one sees you. Jeez, I need to find a therapist.

K: I don’t know if I can finish this.

T: No burger left behind, Green.

K: It’s yours if you want, but I decimated it.

T: I don’t even care. It’s too good to let go. Even if it was one bite I’m gonna eat it.

K: I’m still gonna eat the fries though. How is it that there’s always room for fries?

T: Because potatoes are one of the few good things left on this earth?

K: This review is our darkest yet.

T: You know what? Fuck it.

K: Yeah. This is the new reality.

T: Burgers are delicious. Life has no meaning. Deal with it.

[The waitress comes and we order cake. It is red velvet.]

T: There’s always room for cake too. It’s medicinal red velvet cake.

K: We NEED it.

T: My depression means I’ll spend $30 on dinner because ‘fuck it’.

K: Get it while you can. We don’t have to feel guilty about stuffing ourselves with burger and cake for the next four years.

T: We could think of a reason to feel bad if we tried. But I feel bad all the time anyway so it wouldn’t matter... Oh. My. God. I just realized this burger is the America that we were promised. The American Dream. But instead we got… I can’t even come up with anything. Something horrible.

K: We wanted Grain and Gristle America and instead the people chose a moldy Burgerville patty in between two stale buns fished out of a trashcan.

T: Should we review the cake?

K: Let’s! We deserve it.

[The cake arrives.]

T: Now that the cake is here I realize I’m really full. But the pain in my stomach pales in comparison to the pain in my heart… I just made myself really sad.

K: The pain in your heart will get better. It won’t be as easy as eating cake though.

[First bites.]

T: This cake is good. And the ice cream too.

K: Is this cream cheese frosting? It doesn’t seem like it.

T: It’s… really smooth. And thin. It reminds me that red velvet actually has a unique flavor and doesn’t just taste like drowning-in-cream-cheese-icing, which I also enjoy.

K: Yeah, it’s not sickeningly sweet.  

T: I like that this cake is fresh. It obviously hasn’t been sitting out pre-sliced. The only problem with the freshness is that the frosting in the middle isn’t fully solidified. So when you put your fork through it the top and bottom halves slide apart. [Takes a bite]  See, the cake tipped over. Just like America.

K: It was bound to fall anyway. Nothing we could do. You think we’re gonna be like all the other messed up countries now? A kleptocracy?

T: When I think about the next couple years I’m just… not very optimistic. I see a lot of bad things happening that we just can’t stop. But I also see a lot of people really engaged now.

K: Yeah, people are coming together, not to just hold back the tide, but to keep pushing forward. I don’t know that I believe in America, but I do believe in people, that they are generally good.

T: Let the record show I’m looking over my glasses incredulously at Karen right now.

K: I know! It falls into the “Things I believe/things I have to believe to make it through” category.

T: This is a very generous piece of cake.

K: Good for sharing. How do we rate this cake? We don’t have anything to compare it to.

T: Well I have eaten a lot of cake in my life. I am something of a cake connoisseur.

K: I forgot that I have also eaten cake before.

T: Get it together, Karen. On a scale of 1 to 10 I’d give it a solid 7. Much better than the average cake someone would make but not quite the most amazing piece of cake of my life.

K: 6 for me because no cream cheese frosting, but way better than grocery store cake.

T: For sure. The only cakes I’ve had that were better were made by my friend who is a pastry chef. And this is a simple cake.

Sides

T: These fries are delicious.

K: I like the skinny fries.

T: I like that there is pepper on them. Not enough places put pepper on fries.

K: Agreed. Or any kind of spice. Confession: I don't really like ketchup with fries, never have. I prefer fries with seasoning.

Ambiance

T: This place is kinda tavern-y? Like you’re eating in a log cabin.

K: Typical Portland chic, but it works.

Taste

K: You think this was as good as Yakuza?

T: Yes? But in a different way. Yakuza is trying to give an original take on a burger with unique flavors and textures. Grain and Gristle is the pinnacle of what an American burger can be.

K: Agreed. You come here for great American comfort food. This is a 10 for me. It’s as good as a classic American burger can be.

T: 10 for me too.

Grain & Gristle 1473 NE Prescott St Portland, OR 97211

[burgerteamgo]

Stoopid Burger - All Five Meats

TJ got the ‘Stoopid Burger’ ($9.75, includes fries) and a Coke ($1.00), Karen got the ‘Luni Burger’ ($8.50, includes fries), and Tony got the ‘Almost There Burger’ ($6.00).

Tony: Damn, these are pretty good fries.

T: They’re seasoned.

Tony: I think it’s just Lowry’s, but it works.

K: They taste fresh, like they were just cut and fried.

Tony: Totally.

T: There is so much meat in this burger my first bite did not actually get any burger patty, just egg, bacon and ham.

K: Plus there’s a hot link in there somewhere? That’s like three breakfasts in one bite.

T: I can’t even see the hot link yet.

K: I got some spice in my first bite. Must be the jalapeno and habanero chutney.

T: How hot is it?

K: I’d say it’s a medium, but with lots of flavor.

Tony: Damn, I should have gotten fries. After tasting yours, everything has changed.

K: How is the ‘Almost Boring’ burger or whatever?

Tony: Good. It’s got a classic Thousand Island sauce on it. It works.

T: I like Thousand Island as a burger topping.

Tony: It’s just mayo and ketchup right?

T: Aren’t all burger sauces just mayo and ketchup?

K: Yes. But Thousand Island has relish too, I think?

T: The bacon on this is really good. Cooked perfectly. Not so crispy it’s burnt and not too undercooked that you pull all the bacon out in one bite.

K: Also, I really like shredded lettuce on burgers.

Tony: Me too!

K: It’s better than just one big piece of lettuce. Easier to bite.

T: I think the shredded lettuce also makes the burger feel… lighter? Like the meal is maybe not as unhealthy for you as it actually is.

K: Even smothered in blue cheese, the shredded lettuce makes me feel healthier. I mean, I’m basically eating a salad with my burger here.

T: Oh, I just got a bite with all five meats, smothered in American cheese.

Tony: And the burger gods wept as he ate all five meats.

T: The hot link is super tasty.

K: Is the egg runny?

T: No. It’s fine though, cause otherwise it would be too much. There’s a lot going on in this burger.

Tony: Let’s try this ketchup… ‘First Street Ketchup… 1871.’ That’s a storied American ketchup.

T: I’m super into this burger.

K: Really?

T: Even though it’s like five different meats, they each have a distinct flavor.

K: Can you taste the burger through all that other meat?

[TJ and Karen trade bites]

T: I like the habanero jam on yours. It’s sweet and spicy at the same time. Oh, there’s an afterburn to it.

K: You can taste all the meats in yours! Or maybe I just taste the hotlink. But the hot link is incredible.

T: I actually didn’t even see that there were ‘Boring’ burgers when I ordered. My eyes just immediately went to the Stoopid Burger and I thought that must be their baseline burger. An incredibly decadent baseline.

K: There’s no way I can finish my burger.

Tony: I wouldn’t finish that burger either.

T: Are you sure? You’ll definitely need the calories for your bike ride home.

K: I don’t think I’ll make it home if I finish it. I’ll just pass out on my bike from the meat sweats and fall over in a gutter.

Tony: Even my basic burger is ensconced in cheese. There’s not as much going on as in your burgers, but it’s wrapped in a nice velvety robe of cheese. Like cheese terrycloth. I like it a lot. I think I should have gotten a double patty though.

K: I think I got too much jalapeno chutney on my face. It’s starting to burn.

T: I need a sip of Coke and I’ll finish your burger. Remember, no burger left behind.

K: OK. I’m out. It’s too spicy. Maybe a Coke would have helped.

T: This burger demanded a Coke.

Tony: I’m gonna finish your fries.

K: I need a wet nap. My lips are on fire.

[TJ Heroically finishes Karen’s burger.]

T: This is the right amount of spice for me. But my nose is running.

Tony: (to Karen) I don’t know if I liked your Luni Burger. It was so unusual. More gorgonzola-y than I thought.

K: There wasn’t even a ton of cheese, but it packed a super strong flavor. You couldn’t’ see where it was coming from. Like a ninja cheese.

T: I just had a physical with my doctor and he asked, “How’s your diet?” and I was like, “Oh, pretty healthy. Not a lot of meat.”

K: You didn’t tell him about your weekly burger?

T: No.

K: But you got a clean bill of health?

T: Yeah.

K: Great! Then you can keep enjoying burgers. Just get shredded lettuce on your burger. Super healthy.

T: Thank god I got a Coke. [Burps] Oof, that was a spicy burp.

Price

T: I am very satisfied for what I paid, including tip. I like that it came with fries. Burgers should come with fries. You should not have to ask for them separately.

K: Well you got another half a burger free. So of course you’re satisfied.

Ambiance

T: We’re sitting at a picnic table in a dirt lot right on Vancouver Avenue. There are just two tables. Not bad since it’s late summer. I wish that park was still over and Williams and not being turned into condos. It seems like a lot of the other people have taken their order to go, which makes sense since you will get messy eating any of these burgers and will need running water to clean yourself.

K: Speaking of, can we walk to New Seasons? I need to wash my hands. And face. It’s still burning.

Taste

T: I would say a 7 for myself. It’s a classic fried American burger with a decadent twist.

K: A 7 for the Luni Burger. It was a great price and great flavors. Even though it burned my lips off.

Tony: I give mine a 7 as well.

Stoopid Burger 3441 N Vancouver Ave Portland, OR 97227

[burgerteamgo]

Elephants - Generic Meat Flavor

We each got a Bistro Burger ($7.25) and split an order of Garlic Fries ($4.00). Karen’s brother Tony joined us. He did not get a burger. He did not get anything.

T: My main reference for Elephants is corporate catering. Just about every office job I’ve worked in Portland used Elephants for catering. It makes me think of hovering over some leftover tray of deli meats and vegetables stuffing my face because I don’t make enough money to pass up free calories.

K: That’s pretty grim.

T: As far as corporate catering goes though it’s fine. Well, a little better than fine. But I’ve never purposely gone to an Elephants to eat except for Burger Week last year.

K: But last year’s burger was pretty good.

T: I miss Violetta, which used to have this spot. The burgers there were excellent.

K: Hey, didn’t you have a date the other night? How’d it go?

T: It wasn’t a date… it was a hang out? And it went amazing.

K: That’s great!

T: No, that’s terrible! Because it wasn’t a date!

Tony: Oh... sorry?

T: Let’s not talk about it.

[First bites]

K: This looks impressive, but there isn’t a lot of flavor.

T: The main flavor I’m tasting is blue cheese. It’s melted all over the burger into a sauce.

K: All I got was tasteless patty.

T: Generic ‘meat’ flavor.

Tony: Did you get to choose how the patty was done?

T: No.

Tony: That’s always a red flag for me.

K: I just got a bite of bacon and blue cheese which is fine, but it’s kinda cheating. Bacon and blue cheese doesn’t even have to be good for it to be good.

T: I want more bacon. Strips of bacon.

K: I just have a few small pieces of bacon.

T: Bacon niblets.

Tony: Bacon and blue cheese is a powerhouse duo, but for a burger to be good they shouldn’t overshadow the patty.

T: This patty should be overshadowed. It’s only...fine.

K: I think I might take a break from dating. Maybe for like a year.

T: A year?

K: Well...yes, I’m sticking with a year.

T: Why?

K: I’m just exhausted. Like you said, even when a date is good, it’s somehow bad.

T: It wasn't a date!

K: It’s too much stress. I need a sabbatical. I need to focus on me. And also burgers.

Tony: All you need is burgers. Burgers is all you need.

T: This thing is really greasy and the bun is soaking it all up, which is good.

K: It sounded like you were critiquing, but then you turned it into a positive at the last second.

T: Well, I just remembered how disappointing Elephant’s Burger Week burger was this year, and suddenly this burger seems a lot better in comparison.

K: Yeah, everything seems to have gone downhill this year. What happened?

T: Maybe they’ve upped their corporate catering game and the burgers have suffered?

K: This bite was all blue cheese.

T: So that was the most flavorful bite you had?

K: Yeah. I think I’m gonna cut my losses. I don’t want to finish this.

T: How can you love burgers so much and not finish them?

K: I had a lot of bread products at lunch!

T: I had pizza for breakfast, but I don’t care. Give me that. No burger left behind.

Price

K: This is a $7.25 burger.

T: It does not include fries.

K: This isn’t one I’d come back for.

Tony: If you were in the area would you get it if you were in the mood for a burger?

K: If I happen to be downtown I know there are better places to get a burger.

Sides

T: These fries remind me of the truffle fries at Little Big Burger, but I like them better.

K: Why?

T: I love garlic.

K: Agreed.

Ambiance

K: I like this location out in Director’s Park where the people-watching is fantastic. There are usually cute kids running around in the fountain at least.

T: This is probably the best Elephants location.

Taste

K: A three.

T: I’m going to say 3.5, but only because I enjoyed it slightly more than Burgerville.

There are several Elephants around Portland, we chose Elephants in the Park downtown.