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Hopefully.. Forward.

So on 14 May, we met up and we finally talked about how to move forward. You wanted to try again, because you were going to go for therapy, you were considering going back to church, and you wanted us to try, in a non-committal way. But I said no. I couldn’t get hurt by you again. It would be too much. We took responsibility for what we did to damage this relationship so much more. We apologised for everything. Even things that happened 6-7 years ago, right from the beginning we had so much shit thrown at us. I put you through so much, you put me through so much. We both are terrible for each other, yet so perfect at times. I know you said you wanted to try, to really try, but... I can’t let myself believe that again. I wish I could trust you again I really do. But it’s just too hard. I told you there’s a lot of hurt from our relationship that I couldn’t let go of. All the times that I said no, and you just kept asking why, all the times that we fought and in the end you still wanted what you wanted, all the times when you said you understood but you really didn’t.. All the times I felt like your apologies were empty. All the times I felt like I was the problem. Not that you were the problem but I think the problem was just the fact that we did not fit. We tried. We cut all the corners. Tried to jam ourselves into each others lives, insisting that it works... But did it? Would it? I think we’ll never know for sure. But I think I’m ok with that. I don’t know if you are. But if I did say yes, to trying again.. It might only be because I can’t bring myself to hurt you anymore.. And that’s a terrible reason. That’s not what you deserve. 

I truly hope and pray that somehow, you find a way to let someone else into your life. Not as a replacement for me, but someone who can reach you even better than I could. Someone who fits without having to cut off any parts of you and her. Someone who makes you feel at home within yourself and not just with her. Someone who can take care of you better than I could, someone who encouraged you to be you rather than someone else. I can’t be that person anymore. God knows I’ve tried cause He has told me to stop many times and I didn’t listen. I will always love you, and you will always be a part of me. And from time to time, maybe I’ll wish we worked out. But I’m sorry we can’t be a happily ever after, forever and ever. 

Goodbye Russ. I have to let you go now. I wish you all the best. I’m sorry.

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WOW. so fast forward to August 2020 I guess. Totally forgot I even tried to log shit here. Anyway I quit my job officially on 5 June 2020. Been unemployed for 3 months. It's been great so far I guess? With the whole covid shenanigans. Idk it's been.. strange. Idk how much Ive gotten over, idk how much im still holding on to. Guess we can only wait and see.

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I am not ok

So I’m not sure how to do this and how to keep track of this. I tried writing it all out and it was tough because writing can be tiring. Although I do like paper and pen. Got a few random daily logs going on already. But I guess it might be helpful to track what’s going on for the next 3 months? 

Just to give myself context and maybe whoever finds this blog after I die somewhere down the road LOL. 

I have been struggling with work and life since I started in June 2018. Dayspring is a lovely place with lovely people but the girls that we work with require such an overwhelming level of love and care that I don’t know how to provide. It’s tiring to be constantly giving and not receiving. And I know that we will probably only see it way way down the line but it’s difficult to keep going. I started seeing a psychologist end of February 2019 because it was getting too tough and I was desperate for solutions. It took quite a bit of effort to get over the inertia and the overwhelming idea of even just looking for a psychologist, but eventually I found Elaine. 

Things that we have kind of dug out so far with sessions with Elaine, Dara and even Cheryl, is that a lot of the insecurities and core issues really come from childhood. And I found that interesting because I never really thought my issues would run so deeply. I never hated my parents way of parenting. I mean I questioned it, but I never really saw it as bad parenting. But then again no parent is perfect. I never wanted to blame them for the way I am, but turns out it affected me more than I know.

Core issue: I am irresponsible

Another thing Elaine made me realise was that my parents were more protective than nurturing. Or at least my father was. I think my mum is pretty nurturing. Maybe that makes a good balance. 

Anyway. What this whole depression and anxiety and secondary traumatic stress and compassion fatigue looks like to me is just general dread and anxiety about every thing that needs to be done. I wake up feeling anxious about the day. For example today I woke up thinking it was Monday. I had to remind myself multiple times that it is Saturday. Even when my heart is not pounding out of my chest I still feel anxious, anticipatory anxiety. My head is just in a muffled cloud where I hear my thoughts but they don’t seem like they are in my control. It just kind of goes wherever the hell it wants to go and I just follow it. I function on auto-pilot. I look forward to dying. Not that I want to kill myself, but I hope that tragedy strikes so I can escape the responsibilities of life and just having to live like that every day. Some nights my soul just hurts. I don’t even know why, but there’s just this dull pain in my being that feels like it’s clawing it’s way out to I don’t know where. It’s immense sometimes and I want to scratch through my skin to reach it and just make it stop. Sometimes I wonder if I like being depressed, like it’s an excuse to be shitty at things. But then again I hate myself for it because it just feels so stupid. I didn’t have a shitty childhood so why is my adulthood being shitty now. I didn’t suffer, but maybe that’s why I’m suffering now. No resilience. Sigh. Never gone through stress then now don’t know how to handle. Weak. Feels like it doesn’t make sense for me to give up when these girls have fought through so much more. And I am fighting a fraction of it and I’m done. 

Sometimes I forget I’m dealing with the more difficult population, cause it feels like it’s normal, like this is how they should be considering all they have gone through. I forgot what it’s like to hang out with normal people. It just seems like everyone around me is depressed and anxious. It’s weird. 

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What's a girl to do

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Prague never lets you go by ewitsoe

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curves in the hills

by Denny Bitte

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My mind is in a weird place. Neither here nor there. Neither coming nor going. Neither active nor passive. Neither conscious not unconscious. Gently treading on the edges of virtual reality. Just trying to get through as best as I can. But not really trying at all.

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The idea of depression triggers me for some reason. Not because I have it, but because everyone has it. And because of that, severe depression is sometimes downplayed and mild depression is.. up-played? I don’t know why this view of mine exists but it sometimes feels like people use depression as a crutch. Not those who are diagnosed, but those who aren’t clinically depressed. Those who haven’t gone to see a therapist or a counsellor or a psychologist, basically people who self diagnose. And I guess what triggers me is that they think that because they’ve been through some shit, or had a shit day, then well shit, I’m depressed. It doesn’t work like that. And you don’t have to blame it all on depression, you don’t have to keep piling on evidence to prove you have depression, depression isn’t a nice place to be in, it isn’t cool, it isn’t fun, it doesn’t make you some hipster who becomes artistically inspired to create or destroy.. I don’t even know who I’m referring to really. I don’t even know if there are people who are actually like that. I just feel like, depression is misunderstood. It’s not as simple as people think. It creeps up on you, yet sticks to you like a shadow. Sometimes it goes away, but it’ll be back. You don’t know when it hits you, it just does. sometimes in waves, sometimes all at once. And you don’t know what to do about it. You don’t tell people because what are they supposed to do? What could they possibly say to make that persons life better? How useful are words really...

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Black Mirror S1 Ep 3

Imagine if your memories could be recorded and stay there for as long as you want it. Other people could potentially see it. How often would we spend our life analysing what had gone wrong, how often would we spend time reminiscing about the good times, potentially living in the denial of good memories and erasing the bad. How often would we question the sincerity of others, their honesty, their intentions... The world would be a wreck. Your passwords, your secrets, everything that you want to keep or forget could be exposed. You cant even get rid of the gap in the timeline. That’s the only way to keep it safe, to erase it. Does that mean forgetting it completely?

To replace relationships with what was rather than improving what is.

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Black Mirror Ep 1

So I guess the whole media thing was ridiculous. But in that position what was he supposed to do? Who was to blame for the fact that he had to resort to such actions... Was it the public? His team? I mean if he didn’t do it, the princess might have died. They tried what they could to find him but given the available time they were unable to. To save a life was to give up one’s face. The reaction of the public, the amount of media traction that it got... that was the focus, the fact the one man could get millions or billions to watch an indecent act committed by a man of high regard. Did he do it for the princess, or his reputation? In hindsight it seems like he did everything for nothing in a way, but in that moment what would have been different?

I guess the right reaction would have been to turn it off, if the media hadnt gotten wind of it, no one would have known that it would be aired, no one would have known it was fake. Maybe they would have found her.

The focus was on the public and they completely ignored the events of the kidnapping itself. So many shows do that, focus on the rescue so I guess this is no exception.

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So 2 things could happen here if weapons were replaced by hugs: 1. This is the more optimistic view, that when soldiers hug each other out in the battlefield, the warmth and human affection that is received would turn them into an emotional wreck and you'll have a field of soldiers just crying in each other's arms probably missing their family and loved ones. Then yknow maybe the war will end there and everyone will go home and hugs will remain a symbol of love and affection and comfort forevermore BUT here's the other possibility 2. Soldiers would be trained so hard to be able to squeeze the life out of a person. CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE. THAT BRUTE STRENGTH. And then hugs would never be the same again. Imagine a soldier going home after a war, having squeezed people to death. DO YOU THINK THEYLL BE EVER ABLE TO HUG THEIR LOVED ONES EVER AGAIN?? Every hug will either remind them of the soldier that had to kill, the last breath they heard from them as they squeezed the life out of them, or it would remind them of when someone else tried to kill them and they had to resist and kill or be killed right. AND THEIR FAMILIES WOULDNT KNOW WHAT TO DO. Affection will never be the same again. Imagine never being able to hug a family member. Not even when he or she is suffering from PTSD or depression post war and you just look at them and you wanna hug them but you can't cause it'll send them into an emotional turmoil. TL;DR: Wars should not be fought with hugs. Cause instead of hugs fixing wars, wars would ruin hugs.

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Are you really there I'm calling for you But no one seems to be home My tears are falling No one is catching My feet can no longer hold Because when I scream I scream on the inside I'm a wreck and no one knows Bury it deep deep down Deep deep down

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I might just go mad trying to travel with people. I mean, as fickle as I am sometimes, it would help to have commitment to decisions. And I really hate rearranging plans, as spontaneous as I am, I like it when stuff manage to fit tgt nicely. I don't like the idea of having things planned out well and then something coming up to screw it up. I only don't mind that if I didn't have anything planned. When it comes to details, sure whatever goes. But like when it comes to big plans that involved money and timing, I just can't. My life is such that it's lived like a jigsaw puzzle and I fit in the pieces as best as I can. It takes a lot of effort to fit the pieces in nicely and I do it the best way I can so that each piece gets what they want. So like. When another piece comes along or needs to be replaced, it pisses me off. I don't organize things easily. It really takes effort. A lot of effort. I'm not a planning person. It doesn't come naturally. It comes with stress.