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Playing a lot of disco elysium and now I’m like… wtf are my politics??

Like I engage with politics but is saying “I don’t like to label my ideology” a cop out answer or is it a brief acknowledgement as to how labelling things and viewing them in a binary may unintentionally limit the possibilities beyond.

So uh queer theory.

I think ultimately I don’t really want to label it because I feel like labelling it can cause unnecessary conflict and invoke a sense of tribalism within myself as I feel a part of a certain group and regulate my behaviour to fit writhing my idea of an ideal member should act.

Personally I think viewing politics in this way is not a cop out and a refusal to take a stand but rather is just a way of processing complex ideas and ideologies.

Just as labelling it helps people process and understand, not labelling it helps me engage with others in a different fashion.

I, like many people, want stability, equality, safety, to be happy.

Now I don’t necessarily know the best way to go about achieving those goals are, but I do believe it is not be maintaining the status quo.

Obviously disco elysium is a video game that exaggerates political ideology, but I don’t think I could go around sniffing out communists and going to meetings or whatever.

In some sense I’m not entirely sure where I stand mostly out of ignorance. I did social justice and human geography, not political science.

I’ve learned what the dangers of fascism and capitalism and neoliberalism is but I have learnt little solutions to what plagues us.

Politics are hard and scary and uncomfortable but just because I don’t necessarily know what I stand on the definitions provided behind “left”

Anyways I just know things get better eventually

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It is wild seeing influencers use their platforms to share content on how to resist fascism.

Frankly I don’t even care about the “debate” on if it’s performative or clout chasing or not.

Social media and the internet and its relationship with social justice is complicated. Do we do things because we truly believe it is right or do we fear being in the wrong? Who knows.

All I see is a raver asking people to check their privilege and bring the connection with human beings at raves to connect with people being persecuted. I see a dermatologist sharing information on what to do if you come into contact with tear gas. I don’t need to be to cynical as to say that they’re just clout chasing, that’ll just burn people out.

We’re all complicit on some levels. I feel like I don’t share enough on my social media but I know I’m at least doing something.

The world is really scary right now but you still gotta get up and go on with the day no matter how awful everything gets. If you give up nothing will ever get better. And it can get better.

You can’t change the world doomscrolling on your phone, but you can take care of yourself and your community.

I dunno it all just feels so weird right now. And I’m not entirely sure what’s fear mongering and what’s reality.

But things are not looking good right now.

But the world has a lot of good in it.

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I love going to the night market and spending wayyyy too much money on street food under the guise of supporting local businesses.

(I am but I’ve also still spent soooo much money on food)

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Disco Elysium is making me think about how hard it is to want better for the world while also acknowledging corruption and bad actors.

Like yeah obviously I support unions but I also know how bad poorly run unions are.

And I know unions are poorly run because people like me are too lazy, tired, depressed, etc to be more active participants.

I know the part of the problem I play in is that I’m all complaining and criticizing and no action.

Like I truly believe that constructing our systems to recognize good quality of life as “richness” and “wealth” is beneficial because things that benefit the public are seen as good rather than costing the tax payer.

I’m thinking about that notjustbikes video on YouTube were he covers how in Seoul, they changed an elevated freeway into a tributary? Technically?? Honestly it just looks like a river but something something it’s not ‘technically’ a river but to me someone who has forgotten a lot of my physical geography education, I’m pretty sure tributary is right.

Anyways, when they were removing the freeway, a lot of people complained about the cost and how bad it was going to be and then now the area is considered one of the best parts of the city.

Things that benefit the city as a whole should not be seen as an economic drain, and something beneficial shouldn’t have to produce economic benefits to validate itself.

Like I’m always a little annoyed when a nice public infrastructure thing is talked about and it’s a list of “oh wow look at all these amazing nice things and how it’ll make people happier and their lives better AND ALSO MAKE THEM SPEND MORE MONAYYYYYY”.

Like it can just be a good thing.

Like I get when cities spend money to maintain culturally significant heritage things, but if we wanted to be annoying, we could talk about how it makes more economic sense to tear down the beloved landmark and create a mega mall.

Obviously a lot of culturally significant things do bring in the city income, but I just think that should be a cool fun bonus rather than a primary reason for something to exist.

I dunno. I truly think the world will be a better place and dystopia doesn’t have to be our future and I don’t wanna be all doomer or whatever as the world has healed from fascism before and I know it will heal again, I just hope the wound isn’t so deep to leave terrible scars and make healing more difficult.

I know some people are selfish. And I know some people are kind. I know some people who are complicit and I know some people who don’t care.

People are complicated and trying to find a system of governance is a forever complex working project. There will never be a “hooray we did it! All done!” When it comes to creating a solution to political turmoil.

I have to accept the people who think I’m an irrational snowflake hippie who think that an iron fist should force people to act correctly.

We’re all still people after all.

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I just started playing disco elysium and it’s just making me think about how limiting our perspectives on politics can be.

The way we understand politics as a spectrum between a binary is rigid and informs how we view the world. But in actuality we all know in some sense that it’s a simplification of a very complicated system because if we don’t have simplification it’s just too complex.

Like I can complain to the hills and back that our perspectives on politics is limiting but honestly I don’t really have much to provide as to alternatives.

Something something critical theory is great at critique but not so great at offering solutions sometimes.

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Okay great news, I think I’ve successfully processed a friendship sorta fading away!

When I think about it, I think, it’s sad but it’s okay, I wish them the best.

AND I MEAN IT!!

No petty retributive thoughts, no wishing I could control how they feel, just acceptance that while we may not be as close friends as we were, I’ll always remember them fondly.

And if one day we grow closer again? Great! But if not, they still positively impacted my life in so many ways I’m forever thankful for.

There’s just this sense of accepting who I am I guess. If they did find me annoying or unpleasant to be around, that’s fine, I can be annoying and unpleasant to be around, I’ve read my own Tumblr posts!

But I’m not a bad person because I can be annoying and unpleasant to be around.

At the end of the day, I’ll do my best to be kind. And at this point, I think the kindest thing to do for this person is to give them space.

No point in forcing someone to like me, that never works.

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Sometimes you gotta scream cry for 15 seconds because you doomscrolled and the world is in fact like that. Yes the little things. Yes outside and birds and ocean and rivers and trees. Yes friends and community and loved ones.

But also genocide, war, ice raids, families torn apart, climate disasters, fascism, racism, transphobia, sexism, homophobia, children and families torn apart international law being meaningless war crimes.

So sometimes you gotta scream cry and understand that there’s nothing I can physically do right now, I just need to get out of bed and live. But also grieve that I live on while cruelty infests the lives of people.

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Listening to SOPHIE’s pretending at night during an almost full moon as I’m in the back of a taxi is a wild experience.

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Watching the free cleaning lady and the amount of negative comments are wilddddd

Like every time there’s someone who’s honestly probably rage baiting tbh but if not sigh, that’s like “why help these people it’s just gonna go back to being that bad”

Like yeah sure but her team just clears messes that are a cumulation of like years of work. And if they’re reaching out to someone for help that means they’ve taken the first step towards healing.

And like some of these things occur because something broke and they’re unable to fix it. And they can’t afford to fix it in the first place or they’ve been too ashamed to reach out for help.

So it just gets worse.

And I was there I was in a position where a mess just got worse and worse, but it wasn’t entirely my fault, I was just too shy to ask my roommate to not ruin our shared space.

So the mess built up and then I had to clean it and I asked for help. Now the mess is gone.

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I’m vacationing in a small seaside town very much having my going to the seaside for my health sorta vibe.

I love wondering what it would’ve been like to grow up here.

Cause like I very much think the regular size town I grew up in was like basically perfect. It’s close enough to the city for urban experiences and the conveniences. And it’s a large enough city that it is interesting, and well known.

But also the town I grew up in was cozy enough for like a sorta small town vibe without it actually being a small town. It’s a regular sized town. It’s by no means an urban area but it’s also not rural. But it’s not super suburbs-y. Like parts of the town definitely is suburbia but I live nearby the town core meaning basically all my needs are within a walkable distance.

For a lot of my friends it isn’t and it’s interesting hearing how their experience of the same town is vastly different than mine purely because I could walk to the town centre in like five minutes.

Anyways, I feel like I had the perfect balance of being able to do city activities as a teenager and town stuff. Like I was decently surrounded by nature, not as much nature as where I’m currently staying but quite a bit.

But I do wonder what it would’ve been like to live in a place so far from a big city.

With such a small population too.

I wonder what angsty things about their shitty small town the teenagers think here. Cause it’s not shitty but when you’re a teenager where you live is shitty cause the grass is always greener somewhere else.

Heck I was unappreciative of where I grew up until I really considered how basically perfect the place I live is. It’s just a smidge too far from transit, a spoonful of too racist and a touch too conservative for my taste but I’ve gotten used to that.

Like the main issue of my town is that there isn’t much for teenagers to do especially when the weather isn’t nice. But that could be solved with better transit. It’d make going to the mall or the city easier.

Also I do yearn for the bustle of the city and being close to more things. Like I’m close to a decent amount but a lot of my work is in the city and traffic is so so so bad getting to the city during busy times. Like I’m not far from the city but if there’s traffic I might as well be far.

Anyways, I wonder what the lonely queer does here. Do they learn to like the outdoorsy stuff there is to do here? I mean it’s artsy enough that a goth emo queer could have a decent time.

Do they go drinking in the woods?

Or do they explore the seaside?

Are they bored of the seaside?

To me a visitor, I see a beautiful scenery with wonderful wind and water.

But through the eyes of a local, do they look to the scenery and yearn for something beyond it?

Or have they come to appreciate it, I don’t tire of the views of certain areas in my town.

This place is touristy at least so there are lots of cool local businesses. My town doesn’t really have too many local places since the town is large enough for corporations to fill those niches.

I wonder if the locals here wish they had more corporations here to make getting things easier.

I wonder if the locals here order a lot online?

I can find most things as in the city there’s a specialty place for most anything.

I bemoan the lack of Asian foods in my town but at least an Asian grocery store is like fifteen minutes away by car or thirty minutes by transit.

But here they don’t have anything like that.

There’s a lot of interesting media about small towns. Like night in the woods. Or oxenfree.

Like in my head there’s something fun about the oddities that comes from small towns. But for the locals it’s probably completely plain to them.

What do you mean living in a small town isn’t a coming of age story? Enough people talk about how they come from a small town and now they’re killing it in the big city for me to assume that there’s something in the water in small towns that makes people ambitious and yearn for something more or something.

Anyways small towns are cool.

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Was talking to my mom today and we think scootering (on a manual scooter eg razor scooter) should be more normalized.

Why are scooters seen as juvenile?? I remember basically once I hit 12 scooters were lame and an immature mode of transport and I should either walk, bike or skateboard.

However, walking is slower than scootering, I don’t have space for my own bike and if I borrow one of my parent’s bikes it’s annoying to take it out since they’re large and harder to store than a scooter and I don’t have that good of balance to skateboard.

Scooters are fast, easy, take up minimal amounts of space, I can hang some things on the handlebars, I feel more balanced if I have a backpack or bag than if I was holding a bag on a skateboard.

Also bikes require bike racks where many scooters fold up small.

Like I just think of all the time I wasted walking to school because suddenly scootering to school was seen as juvenile.

Like I was able to cover so much distance so quickly as a kid scootering home from elementary school.

My scooter could’ve fit into my school locked meaning I didn’t have to deal with the crowded bike racks in high school.

I know I shouldn’t care about what people think and just do what I want cause I have free will but also I live in a smaller town and I don’t wanna be made fun of by people I went to high school with.

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Whenever I think that I haven’t improved at drawing I look at my old costume sketches and boy. Was I barely capable of communicating an idea via drawing back then. My proportions were also just so off. Like they’re still off now but at the very least I’ll take freakishly long limbs over freakishly big heads when it comes to fashion sketches.

Longer limbs means more room to sketch the dress duh.

I still know Jack about poses though.

All my costume sketches look like starfishes.

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I remember there was a kids book I really liked.

It was about how a mole stole the rainbow and all coloured from the world and all the other animals had to work together to bring colour back into the world; eventually convincing even the mole he could enjoy colours if he wore sunglasses since without them the colours were too bright.

It did have religious undertones though. Cause like to find the last colour they had to pray.

I remember being confused about that part as a kid.

For every other colour they found someone who helped it manifest or something.

But for Violet they all just got on their knees and started praying.

Other than that the story had no religious undertones I can remember.

I just liked the rainbows cause I’m a homosexual.

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also I would love to be blunt and directly ask if someone didn’t like me anymore but that reads as so confrontational and I think the best thing I could do for the both of us is take a step back from the relationship.

Like I was planning on asking them out for lunch or something but maybe just hitting pause on that right now until I feel a vibe shift/this current situation where I think they might be upset at me calms a bit.

I am happy to note that I don’t feel overwhelming despair thinking I did something to hurt them because I know what I did didn’t hurt anyone at all.

It may have made someone upset but I did not directly do anything to intentionally hurt anyone so whether they believe that or not, I know that it’s fine.

I’m fine.

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Accepting that someone probably doesn’t like you anymore is really tough.

Mainly cause of the probably. If they just outrightly said that they just didn’t want to spend time together I’d accept that.

Like people have gone through romantic breakups over and over, I can deal with a platonic one.

But I really curse not the person but the norms around friendships. I really wish it was common for people to break off friendships like they break off romantic relations.

Like while yes many romantic relationships may try and be friends if romance doesn’t work/people use the let’s just be friends line to soften the blow, there really isn’t an equivalent for friends.

Like I think that’s cause many friendships sorta serve their purpose. I don’t have a conversation with each person I made friends with for like a semester that I don’t want to contact them outside of class, it’s moreso our class together ends and thus there’s not much more reason to continue to pursue a relationship.

Like I wouldn’t call falling out of contact with people ghosting. Sometimes you just lose contact with people.

And while I’m keeping the possibility completely open to me misinterpreting signs, the way someone interacts with social media is a tell.

Like I’m not blind, I can clearly see the difference between how I am treated vs how others are treated by this individual and I just need to make peace with that.

Like no matter how much heartbreak I’m in, no one is the victim or perpetrator here.

I had the anxiety spike because *I* couldn’t handle the idea of someone not liking me. That’s my damage and my responsibility.

Like I could complain to the hills and back about how I felt hurt, or I felt anxiety or I felt whatever. But I can’t place all the responsibility and blame on one person, I have to accept that the reason I’m honestly slightly overreacting is because of my own insecurities.

Just as we rightfully critique guys who cannot handle rejection from women they were pursuing, I can handle the rejection from a friendship I thought I had.

What I’m feeling is heartbreak, the pain of being wrong, and the pain of potentially being a negative aspect in someone’s life.

I didn’t set out to be a negative aspect in someone’s life but it doesn’t change the fact that I potentially am.

I’m sure on their end I’m probably annoying or clingy or am just doing something that has pushed them away and I can accept that part of myself. Sure it’s potentially being rejected by others right now but it’s a part of me that can grow and change and right now for that person, that part of me isn’t right for them.

And I do know that person. Though my recent experiences with them has been nerve wracking and generally unpleasant and uncomfortable for me, I do hold love for them still. I am sure they won’t go around trying to convince others to think I’m a bad person or something. And if they do and if people believe them then boo that sucks but knowing that I didn’t set out to do harm and am willing to take accountability should be enough to stave off the pit in my stomach that forms if I’m not liked by everyone.

For now I’ve mostly accepted it and hope we can become close again in the future but for now, when it’s quiet and I’m alone, I’ll sit here, feeling bad.