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I wish I was someone's center of attention. Someone's no 1 favourite. Not even favourite romantically. Just. Favourite.
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Don't have anyone to talk to that is both close enough to me and won't be hurt by it so. I guess I'm venting here. In the void blog.
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I'm just crying in my room. And it's pathetic and quiet. And I'm alone. I'll probably be alone for a long time. I don't think I deserve it. But maybe it's just what comes out of me as a person.
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Managed to hit a real sweet combo with feeling ugly and disgusting and unappealing and rejected and isolated and alone
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Feel like a mangy dog. Fucked up gross stray with pretty fur and shit breeding that just hangs around and bites crap.
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I'm not a dog. I'm not a pet. I'm not an extra. I'm not a child.
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I just find myself being... So jealous. They didn't even look for it or crave it, as far as I know. And they just. Got it. Just like that. And they're all together, and it's so sweet and I'm happy for them, I really am, I'm just. Not a part of it. I'm still single, and now also kinda left out and aside.
... can't believe they joked about bringing me as a 5th wheel with a plushie. That was demeaning. They know how much I want this too, don't they?
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Week 6
104.4! Nothing like linear progress
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I feel the electricity from the manic episode in my blood and I see scenarios of murdering and screaming and hitting and I can feel the urge to punch and bite in my muscles and I feel like I'm going to throw up or cry and I want to cry and I want someone to hold me and I'm so afraid
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burningbleedingdusk · 11 days
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Week 5
105.1, pushing into the 04 zone! Still looking for a meal rythem but I'll get there eventually
Goal for next week is to get to the 04 zone
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burningbleedingdusk · 17 days
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Had the worst flashback yesterday and I'm just. Sort of grappling with my ptsd. This shit happened. It was truly bad.
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burningbleedingdusk · 18 days
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Week 4
105.7!!! Means I'm actually going down!
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burningbleedingdusk · 21 days
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Almost week 4
It's getting bad again. I'm getting enough calories but. It's getting bad again. I don't have it in me to care, though. If anyone notices it's on them.
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burningbleedingdusk · 25 days
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also week 3 of diet also started using myfitnesspal for calorie counting. hopefully it won't bite me in the ass.
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burningbleedingdusk · 25 days
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Week 3 of diet
1 kg down, barely. Frustrated.
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burningbleedingdusk · 1 month
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Week 2 of vibe diet
No weight loss but several comments that I lost weight? Odd. Apparently my sleeping pills are making me horny which is an expiriance. Hoping to get a referral for a clinical dietician through my gp on monday.
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burningbleedingdusk · 1 month
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Week 1 of vibe diet
Still hate myself but what else is new. Unbearably horny. Baby steps.
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