burningblizzard224

[burningblizzard224]

I am a huge fan of retiring to my quarters

[burningblizzard224]

(I can’t figure out where I want to go with the ending)

The piano has always felt out of reach for me

I love the piano

I love the sounds, the look, even the feel

Beautiful notes that weave into bars that mold into songs across sheets of music

Flowing, pure, luring shape of its body, and the keys which lay upon its body as its main feature

Smooth, moving parts, from the key, to the hit of the string that all move with one another for it to come to life

I love the piano

It’s sound range from haunting, to sad, and then exciting and joyful sounds which no man can produce by themselves.

Rather the women who sits at the keys is the one who is bonding with the instrument.

Each key is the piano’s but without its player it is silent

I love the piano

I have tried many times to be the one dancing with the keys

My hands try and following the page and turn the ink into art but I am not able to keep up

It is not the piano for I know, for I’ve heard, for I’ve seen that it can do so much more with hands that aren’t mine

I love the piano

I want to so desperately play it

I want to so desperately make those notes mine

As the piano and notes can sound different with each person who graces the keys

I want to have my voice told through its keys

I want to scream through it

I want to play the piano

I love the piano

I am unable to play the piano

[burningblizzard224]

(I’m ok and I’m not going to anything I just need to do something with my thoughts other than have them echo in my head for hours)

I don’t understand people who don’t understand suicide.

I understand why people do it

I understand why Avalon did it

I now have a different perspective on it after Avalon, because I still lived my life.

I still hung out with my family the next day just saying I was tired. (Which was also very true)

I still went back to school after thanksgiving break ended

I still made it through middle school, high school, and have a full time job

No different from even when my grandma and grandpa died

I got ice cream and then life kept going

I think people could get ice cream and keep going after me

My dad made it through an awful divorce and kept living

He made it through both his parents deaths and kept living

I think he could continue to keep living

I think it would be one more disappointment

But I’ve given him so many what’s one more to keep living with

[burningblizzard224]

“I just miss the happiest boy in the world”

What do I say to that, how do I respond to that. I still don’t know. Those fucking words haunt my head and I’ve been hearing them for years and I heard them again tonight and I still don’t have a response.

I’m sorry I took him from you

I’m sorry you no longer have him in your life.

That he’s been replaced by me.

I wish I knew where he was too.

I also miss him.

[burningblizzard224]

Sometimes I wanted to be a son not a grade

I have such a deep hatred for the school system because I felt like it took my dad away from me for most of the year.

I’d get him back for spring and fall breaks and summer break. And then it felt like he was gone again.

It was check aspen, get yelled at, check aspen, get yelled at, check aspen get yelled at

That was my life, especially after 7th grade

Though when I got a D in fourth grade I got grounded for the whole summer

I don’t think I’ve ever been in trouble for behavior, it’s always been what was whatever was on that computer screen

It defined everyday, if it was going to be a good day or not

I don’t know what I expect to happen, I don’t know how I did it over and over again or why rather

I wondered if I didn’t have a grade anymore, would that make it easier? Easier on him?

No more aspen

No more missing

No more yelling

No more disappointing

No more failing

No more grades

I’d be so upset at myself I’d think I didn’t deserve things like blankets or a bed and sleep on the floor for nights after getting yelled at

But then I’d do it again

Over and over and over again and again and again

He was only yelling because I was failing

Why was I failing

I was asked so many times

Why are you doing this

My step mom asked why was I doing this to my poor father

I don’t know

I didn’t have a solution

I now hate no having a solution

I still don’t have a solution for that

I was undiagnosed with ADHD till 7th grade

I was self harming by then but I never told someone

I could never look my dad in the eyes if I told him I cut myself

The pain that would be on his face

It haunts me and I’ve never even seen it

I went to tutoring and that got me through Jr year

What a dumbass needs tutoring for basic high school classes

I had been in AP and honors and now I can’t do English 3?

Having to pay for your kid to just do his homework

And I know it wasn’t cheap

I cost them so much money from my laziness

Pathetic, lazy, and a waste

That’s how I wanted to answer my English 4’s “get to know you” page when it asked to describe yourself in three words

And those three words always float in my head all of the time, to this day

Your kids a plumber

How fucking sad is that.

He makes 100k a year and his son makes less than half of that and is a plumber

From AP class gifted kid to a god damn plumber

2.4 GPA? I mean talk about impressively low.

I can’t stand being called smart, it triggers something in my head

If I was smart would I be working 60 hours a week outside

If I was smart would I not have a degree?

If I was smart wouldn’t my GPA have been higher?

If I was smart would my dad love me more?

Or at least be less disappointed?

[burningblizzard224]

[burningblizzard224]

There doesn't always have to be a plot

I'm not leaving Virgil

I'm not sick of you Virgil

I'm not tired of you Virgil

I'm not asking you to calm down, or be less, or to be quiet, I will tell you if you are, though you never have been

I'm also not just your best friend

I'm not her either

-

I also might be to little for you, its ok to tell me that also.

I worry that I am not enough for you.

I worry that I don't understand you

I worry that I fail to feel and that makes me a worse person because of it, a worse partner especially

-

I dont think youre a bad partner, I also don't think I'm a good one either. As I don't think I am that different from Mahliya or Cecily. I think you're a different kind of person in this world that I just am not. And I hope that I don't ruin this, or that you see that. You are such a good person and partner, Virgil. I hope I can be at least close to you. I don't think I am.

-

Just like a pet cat. I may disappear for a day or two, but I always come back home. I don't wonder if I still have a home, but rather, I just assume you will be there waiting for me. I do not leave to hurt you, I do not leave because I am angry at you, I do not leave because I am even tired of you.

(My room, my pc is also one of my safest places. Its sad how much I like it.) - And I don't talk about you like that, though I don't talk about my partners a lot in general. I told you more than anyone else by a mile. Several miles. And its different kinds of selfishness

She was selfish for herself, you are selfish for me

Those are two very different things.

-

The main reason I am at my house is so I can use my computer dearest, it's not because you've annoyed me. I just have everything set up and need two monitors. As poetic and anxiety-filled as we can be, I often do things for practical reasons.

-

It is 2 am and im barely way and am going back to bed. I did re read most it and I want to delete half of it but take it with a grain of salt

[burningblizzard224]

Ok, I wrote the second half first, and couldn’t figure out what I meant until I heard an Adventure Time quote of all things.

“You were a wonderful experience” she said

And he simply smiles and responds “You were everything,” and then she leaves without a word, a reaching hand or even a smile in return.

I think I’m an experience for people. An event that occurs, maybe at a place, or certain time for them. And as time moves on, you forget the details. You know it happened, it was there. And now it’s gone.

And then they get on a train, without an extra smile or a wave, and they’re gone.

And I don’t think that’s a problem, and I think eventually almost everyone is an experience for those around them. It’s just odd

———

It’s so odd to me how we leave impressions on other people.

I think it’s Mr. Hugh’s that has me the most confused about this. I just don’t understand why people remember me.

I know some people get caught in things that remind them of another person. In my case I feel always see Aurora’s name on road trips. Typically due to the shipping company that share the name. But I don’t feel like they think about me at all.

I dont take parkside drive to get to Home Depot anymore, however there’s no road that Mahliya has to avoid me on. And it’s weird passing an old friend and a new stranger on the road.

I know she was mad at me, and probably hates me, but I don’t think in a few years I’ll be anything to her, the same way I’m just someone who went to high school with for Salem. Maybe the dumb guy she dated in high school before she became who she is.

I wonder if anyone I wrestled with, or marched in band with thinks about me. They don’t reach out, nor do I. But I rarely think about them, I’ve forgotten so many people’s names in just a few years. I’m always impressed with how well you remember people.

I wish I could rewatch my life like an old YouTube video. I might forget about but on a random Tuesday I’ll remember it, and can just play in the background.

I think that’s what I’m most like, a random YouTube video that someone watched at some point in their life, and now is long forgotten. Maybe a random thing will remind of them for a second but it’s just a brief quote or action and then nothing.

I feel like I’ve done things for people that are memorable but since it was just Aiden, who really cares.

I don’t think Nikki remembers rolling color guard mats at 11pm in the band room because everyone had left, or Ben when I changed his tire in the pouring rain because he didn’t know who else to call. Helping Lucas buff a boat in the middle of no where Union county. Driving an hour for Jumpstarting Emma’s car. I can sit and remember these things but I have to take a moment to do so.

I don’t think most people take a moment to remember me.

And I don’t know if any of matters, I don’t have some right to be remembered. No reason to be in a text book. Or a memory.

[burningblizzard224]

[burningblizzard224]

Forever huh?

[burningblizzard224]

In a perfect ideal world, what does our future look like together? (Listen I wanna imagine a nice future for myself in spite of the way life and the world is right now. Let me have this.)

I don’t dream of a single moment with you, I dream of a lifetime,

I dream about you being in my bed after work, under my grey covers against blue walls. Though this dream at best will only last about two more years. And sometimes it’s your mint green walls, covered in stares, banners, and posters, fixing your sheets and moving a giant bear.

It’s moving our few boxes we have, each only having a room full of things versus a house like our parents. I’m glad you have that hope chest for pans and what not. In my head, It goes back and fourth between a small apartment and shitty house but either way it’s you and me, and it’s ours. We moved in together. Into our apartment. Our home. And you’re just about to graduate in a year, or you did just a few months ago. We have to celebrate with a big trip for sure. Being you are a classics major I suppose Italy is a good start.

We’re in our late 20’s, our house has become a home. The walls are painted forest green. There are sprawling bookshelves and the office is covered in little trinkets. The kitchen isn’t quite where I’d like it but we’re still a house away from that so I’m not that worried. You’re teaching now. I still wake up earlier than I need to hold you, and I kiss you multiple times before leaving for work, almost being late but just on time. And it’s worth it every single time.

Maybe we’re in our late 30’s/40’s. We finally have a decent kitchen you can watch me cook in. We have kid(s) running around. We show them movies we love, history videos, and teach them to appreciate such. Show them how to love art together, how to be a reasonable and free thinking person. Love them, but don’t completely spoil them. Let them show us how to live also. Travel across the world together. Be truly alive. Still find time for me and you though.

It’s just us again, we spend our time as we please. We go to plays, we travel, eat and drink together every meal.

I hope our gravestones lay towards one another.

Or maybe I dream about tonight, about how your hug feels in this second or a few hours. Going on a date next Wednesday, kissing your lips, telling you I love you over text right now.

My dearest

[burningblizzard224]

You’re so easy to love

[burningblizzard224]

It’s so hard to leave you,

To part from your touch

Your warmth

Even as the days get warmer the mornings feel so much colder after I leave one of our beds

I almost feel empty, or as though I’m missing some part of me

Especially while you’re still asleep

I crave you so deeply I can feel it in my chest

And I have to do it almost every morning

[burningblizzard224]

Me when knee surgery is tomorrow

[burningblizzard224]

Let my hands clean you

Let me take all the dirt, grim, and dust from you

Let your eyes find mine

Let my palms hold your face, your cheeks so perfectly fit to them

Let my arms wrap around you and hold you tightly

Let our bodies connect and weave together seamlessly

Let my fingers run through your hair letting go of what has been trapped in your mind

Let my legs press against yours to warm your cold skin

Let my torso touch yours so soap running from our chest makes us smell the same

Let my shower be somewhere you feel comfortable in

Let my towel dry your whole body

Let your lips rest on mine

Let me love you

[burningblizzard224]

“FOUR TIMES??!”

[burningblizzard224]

I just had one of the best days of my life.

I’m sitting in my room, I’m alone now, and I feel perfectly fine,

I’m not spiraling or over thinking, I’m smiling and thinking about him

This is what it feels like to be alive.