buryingtheh44tchet

[buryingtheh44tchet]

time is a flat circle

its over until it isnt. a curse doesnt lift itself overnight, or for a year, or even five years for that matter. the clock doesnt stop ticking unless you make it stop. what should you do? what feels right to you? the ropes you are confined to never stop getting tighter, they break skin and cobblestone walls worth of damage and sin. they can break you, they can kill you too. it never stops until it does, until you take the batteries out and chuck them in the garbage where no one else can find them. until you break the arms that point to the numbers that never seem to get bigger or smaller. nothing progresses, nothing changes. its all one big fucking endless torment.

[buryingtheh44tchet]

i like you

i like you.

ok, i said it. but i dont know if you really heard it the first time or the second.

i think it started to float to the surface, picked up by the wind.

i saw it flying away. my confession was swept away.

maybe some of the air got caught between. the wind never smelled so sweet before.

bloody noses and cigarettes couldnt even hide my red cheeks.

is it the cold? i didnt wear a coat, but it isnt cold. maybe im a little too warm.

oh, its because i fell for you the first time.

oh no.

maybe i do really like you.

what should i do?

[buryingtheh44tchet]

i wish you the best,

i never wanted you to confess.

[written 11/29/2020, originally untitled]

[edited and remastered. but still painful as always]

i never thought you could be mine, i only looked at you over the line. but that doesn’t sound convenient to you, right? you need my full attention at all times.

you arent what i needed. i just couldnt see both sides.

i hated everything about summer.my nose dry, my eyes full of tears with no joy to be seen. but i’m not trying to embarrass you, i promise i still love you.

this future i couldnt have imagined, you take my hand and lead me to a broken door. ripped from it’s hinges, no door knob to twist. with a deadbolt the size of my heart, i enter. im locked, and every night remains the same.

a cruel nightmare, sealed with a violent kiss.

i turn, i swallow and i hold my breath. those calloused hands grip my neck tight, but you dont go higher, you dont go lower. i cower, i bleed, i bruise and i pour every word i know just to be pushed down. i wake up, all of my tears caught in my throat.

im awake now, no more crying.

all i can do now is ask.

would you have died for me? spent so long begging for me to come back? who are you? are you me? have you always been?

i dont receive answers, only this bitter pain. and yet, i have more bitter questions for you.

did it feel good? did you love me? am i still your saviour? did you feel better about yourself?

i should save my breath, really.

because deep down i know these answers. they kissed and nipped at my skin like i was in season.

i wished the world revolved around me too. i would see myself as god like you do. but i only have another night, another morning and another day wasted on you.

so listen to me for once, for one last time.

i was never the one. i was never your sunshine. i would hate me too if i was you.

because you never prayed happiness on me, i boiled your blood until it evaporated into your vapid skull.

i’m just one less thing to fix with your broken fist.

[buryingtheh44tchet]

from summer to fall

a poem i wrote back in october, about october.

i sit and i watch the leaves fall and change colour.

the sun still peaks out behind the clouds, but remains shy as the temperature grows colder.

i hold my breath a little tighter. a shiver and a whistle of the wind lets me know that i still cant accept the change it brings.

because with these small changes shows whats inside of me.

a visual only i can know, but now everyone can see.

dirty, disgusting and ugly.

i can only wait. i can only hold my breath a little longer, but i know i cant hold it in forever.

because the leaves look so beautiful, and so do the clouds, and the trees, and the smiles i receive.

so ill let go, ill show my breath.

i wont let this small change in season bother me anymore.

taking care of this ugliness is a bore.

i will finally let go, as the leaves do.

[buryingtheh44tchet]

i’ve become tired of hanging on. you’ve picked me off my line and kicked me down. you’ve kicked me down so far that i can’t in good faith call myself a human being anymore. but i’m not one with the ground. i’ve eaten my way down below the surface, but not directly in hell. i can’t even say it’s hell, but god did it hurt getting to this level. it almost felt that way… hell, i mean. the torture, the flame that lit my soul on fire, the cage that i couldnt run away from. it felt so similar, but i knew it wasnt hell. because i’ve seen it. i’ve seen it all and crawled out with my own hands and feet. till my fingernails came off, bleeding and decaying. till my fingers broke, till my voice gave out from my screaming. i became cursed. eternally, internally and externally. but you didn’t make me see hell, even though you gave me a sample of it. all i tasted was the bitter medicine that could never go down. but it felt like torture, oh how it hurt so deeply. it hurt to be eating the dirt that i’ve been shoveling this whole time.

[buryingtheh44tchet]

this pain is a slow burn.

i just wish you’d put the fire out already.

the burns you’ve left have grown white and calloused. and as i run my fingers over the cells that have married one another, they begin to open themselves as if they were new.

the blood that flows from my sick red heart on full display, dripping and making a mess for me to clean up over and over again. making a fool of myself.

the fire only grows bigger and bigger.

now the smoke gets to my eyes, blinds me with tears and an irritation that never seems to leave. no way to hide it, they grow red and double in size.

the tears wont put out the fire. they never would.

no amount of tears i’d shed would ever put out any fire that you started.

[buryingtheh44tchet]

truly at my core, i am a stupid girl.

i play your games, i imagine that i’m having fun but these games of yours never had a reward.

you disguise yourself as the reward, but when all else peels and eats itself away, i’ve realized that perhaps i wasnt the one playing.

i’d be in your hands like soft sand you could manipulate.

except i’m not being built into a castle. you dig holes into me like you need to bury a secret. something you can’t breathe life into.

not even to me, the one you dig into.

maybe you dig to find something, to keep for yourself. but everyone knows what you’re looking for. everyone knows so desperately what you want to hide and steal.

and i’m a stupid girl for thinking i knew better. i’m truly the stupidest one here for thinking i was having fun when in reality my hand was just as shitty as yours.

i’m still a stupid girl for wanting to play your stupid fucking games.

because you’ve chosen to inspire hope into this lifeless body of mine without reaping your consequences.

[buryingtheh44tchet]

in the same room // at the same time

in the same light, in the same breath, in the same hour, in the same chill of winter, in the same room...

I can't seem to focus.

and yet,

at the same place, at the same spot we stand, at the same time...

I wait and wait and wait.

I wait for something good to happen.

how much longer can I wait? am I even waiting?

has it already happened? what would you do if I asked?

what if I asked you to wait with me?

how much more do I have to wait, how much more time do I spend...

oh, how I've spoiled you with the richness of my time.

and while I never bothered to tell you, to write to you, to log my spendings and earnings that I've spent on you...

I never will.

my time has no value, no dollar sign in your mind. no book to keep my secrets.

because in the same room and at the same time,

I thread my lips together, I hold my breath, and not a word seeps through.

and I keep standing. I keep wasting my time.

hoping you'd maybe waste yours too.

[buryingtheh44tchet]

to burn a bridge or to bury a hatchet

this is a place to rest my lonely heart, my deepest regrets and my minds calls of despair.

from me to you, theres no structure to my thoughts or writings.

you may take what is given, you may not like what is said. but i am not your judge.

for i am me, and you are you.

and for all the things i wish i had told you, these are all the ones that weigh heaviest.

until one day when i may find comfort in the discomfort, i shall write the unspoken to you.

the fear that runs ice hot through my bones persists, but i pay no mind.

because i’ve grown. and i’ve grown tired.

and while you sit there and haunt me with your silver tongue and fiery eyes, you must be growing tired too.