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Rebirth of The Bachelor

My loyal Busy on Monday readers, I clearly took a early and brief hiatus from blogging for a few reasons that don’t matter here. What’s important is I’m fucking coming back! Strangers wrote me, friends were concerned and laughter was lost. But with the announcement this week of Arie becoming our next Bachelor I knew that was my sign. My sign that I needed to either run fast down to the casting office OR restart my blog. The blog seemed more realistic. (Also I had a tweet go viral and that concluded Bachelor Nation needed me)

I wanted to take this post to go over the divided line of Bachelor Nation on this decision made by ABC and Mike Fleiss who put us through hell waiting on who we would be drooling over this Fall/Winter .... Arie Luyendyk Jr.  For those who are new to this Bachelor world, Arie dates back to the 2012 Bachelorette season (one of my personal favorites) featuring Emily Maynard. He was runner up and it’s been reported that he hasn’t loved anybody since. During the season Arie was known as ‘the kissing bandit’. He made us swoon so hard with his romantic gestures and reminded all us single girls just how single we were. 

I think bringing Arie back after 5 years is a fantastic choice. Yes, a lot of me is saying that because I have had a mad crush on this race car driver ever since he graced my TV screen // also stalked my instagram on his own terms ... but that’s a story for another time. The other part of me agrees with this choice because it’s bringing this show back to what it was 5-some years ago. Where we weren’t flooded with wannabe social media influencers, gummy hair vitamins, flat tummy tea and too many fuck boys to count. *cough DEAN cough* Now we’ve got a grown ass man who has had years to mature, build his career and become successful. Someone who is actually ready to commit, let someone in and start a family!  When you look over who the front runners were and break them down you realize that it was probably setting up for yet another Bachelor fail. Peter couldn’t commit 6 months ago and he definitely wouldn’t be able to now, which he admitted. Ben H is fresh out of his engagement with Lauren, too soon. Wells is meant for Danielle or one of my best friends so that’s clearly NOT an option. Dean is just a child and more than obviously not ready for any sort of commitment. At ALL. Not even with a dog. And who’s left?? ROBBY? BLAKE? WHABOOM? Like no. 

So for those of you with negative vibes towards your new Bachelor, listen to some George Michaels and have a little faith. Sure he has some salt and pepper hair and maybe I’m getting old idk but I think that’s hot AF. I promise you’ll fall in love with Arie, he will bring back the love feels that the Bachelor used to always provide and we won’t have another boring proposal (sorry Rach).  Oh and let’s not forget Courtney Robertson’s tell all book where she says Arie was the best sex she has EVER had. Hehe ... now aren’t you just a little bit curious at what this stud has up his sleeve? Can’t wait till 2018! 

                           (personal selfie sent just to me. jk. wish. x100)

[busyonmondays-blog]

Bachelorette Week Three

Ben is back for week dude as my gay boyf commentary because I adore him. Sit back and drink and laugh with us. We love shirtless men!! De-Freakin-Mario, this fool is whack! His apology was all from firehotquotes.com and I’m not sure he was fully aware at what was coming out of his mouth. Rach calmly listened but then shot him down hard. I “oooohhhh-d” so loud when she said, “What I saw yesterday was a boy, not a man and I’m looking for a man.” Yas girl, yas!  “She played it real cool and classy, she gave him the boot in the calmest, classiest way I’ve ever seen a girl dismiss a dog.” - Ben  Lucas shares this weird ass story on Blake standing over him eating a banana and Rach has such a straight WTF is happening look on her face, I cried. When Rach brought it up to Lucas he says, “I don’t eat carbs because I don’t want to shop at Sears.” (Not the actual quote but like how could you NOT think of Mean Girls when he said he doesn’t eat carbs so no he didn’t eat a banana.) I couldn’t believe my eyes when the two most annoying ones were sent home AT THE SAME TIME. The producers have never given us such a blessed gift in the 1000 years of this show. So THX A LOT <333  “Lucas may or may not have been there to give a show and Blake still couldn’t help himself when it came to kiki-ing about Lucas. The direction was still misguided and needs no more attention cuz you both need to go. Like Beyonce’ said, ‘Tell that boy bye’.” - Ben I was totally obsessed with the monologue at the end between Blake and Lucas. Blake imitating Lucas just made him look even more like an idiot aspiring drummer/personal trainer that he is and I was very happy.  Their departure went exactly like this,  “See ya later.” “See ya.” Group date # 1 of the night was of course on Ellen because this season is showing us all of Rach’s super famous BFF’s. Foreign Alex was insanely good at stripping and I’m curious where he performs at.  “I don’t care what kind of female or gay you are, you were WAITING for these men’s shirts to come off.” - Ben ... Yes, yes we were and what a solid bunch of abs we got.  And then Ben again ... “I do have to give props to the tickle monster. I don’t have to like the dancing but I will indulge in that body.” During some 1:1 time during the group date, Rach makes out with everyone including the ones she doesn’t want to .... FRED. I was feeling for him for a bit when Rach kept bringing up how he acted TWENTY YEARS AGO but then he proved he’s still 5 by ASKING if he can kiss her. And that was his one way ticket home.  “You think he’s gonna get the rose but he actually gets the boot. (Well played ABC, give me all the drama and make viewers gag) And the rose goes tooooo .... Rico Suave.” - Ben Anthony’s 1:1 date was so unrealistic. Never have I ever seen somebody ride a horse down Rodeo Drive to shop. Unless it was a cop.  “I guess on Rodeo Drive you bring horses into stores.” - Anthony ... No. Nobody does that.  Anthony is a sweet, sweet gentlemen but might be too young for Rach. He does later talk about his old soul which I can see existing but it might not be enough for this confident 30some lawyer.  The last group date included mud wrestling, pole dancing and Rach’s closest friends from the past season. This is their second cameo now on the show and really I think it’s just gearing up the rejects to get a better idea on who is available.  “Rachel, this was the week to seeeee these men and treat them like a piece of meat (hell to the nah I’m not mad at you).” - Ben  Dean seemed to hate life when he saw he was about to get filthy in mud. This date we thought Kenny would win but Bryce, the fake firefighter, took the round and was champion.  I’ll admit I missed the part of Eric bitching because well, I simply give zero fucks about him so I went and did my own shit. But according to Ben this dude needs to grow the F up and figure out this whole “love” thing. K cool. All I need to know.  “Eric can get all up in arms about the situation but until he stops complaining like a lil bitch, I feel the men have a right to speak up. Don’t nobody wanna hear you moping around. Save it for Oprah.” - Ben I did however get into the Eric and Lee argument. I didn’t like Lee from day 1 and didn’t even notice Eric until now and will forget him after I post this. But that fight has huge potential to just fully explode and that’s some good drama we all want to see. Especially knowing what has surfaced over the past few days confirming what an asshole Lee is. (Google his tweets if you’ve been under a rock.)  I’m going to end this with a quote from Eric, “WHY IS MY NAME IN YOUR MOUTH?”  (Actually ending with Ben’s final thoughts)  “You were right about Lee. I feel he may be next elimination. It better not be Kenny or I’ll be pissed.” ... I AM ALWAYS RIGHT BEN. xx

[busyonmondays-blog]

Bachelorette Week Two

Our first and maybe forever gay boyfriend guest is Ben. Ben has always been real with me in my own relationships and loves to judge any male that walks past him, so he’s perfect for this. WELCOME BEN! <3333 Week two brings us all of Rachel’s celebrity friends and I’m wondering exactly how and when all that happened. Is it just me or do you also hope that the champagne glass that Chris Harrison bangs on for each date card breaks?  And why do these guys make awkward cow sounds after each name is read? What is going on in this house besides too much whabooming?  Also, could whaboom guy be attractive if he didn’t whaboom so much? Should I just make this post a poll of America because I have a lot of questions I can’t seem to answer myself.  Rach has her first group date be a best dad Olympics with her BFF hosts Ashton and Mila. Which is casual and I get it, I always call up my super close celeb couple friends to help me decide who I should date.   “This round should have been called ‘The Lucas Factor’ because everyone was gagging on his crazy.” - Ben Mila gets down to business and asks the most important question.  “Everybody here have a job?” Nobody really answers (not surprised) and Ashton is 100% right, her hubs is not in this group.  After pulling hair out of the drain and putting together a Baby Bjorn, Lucas wins the group date and in unison America screams, WHY?!  “This was a complete shit show.” - Ben During the end of the group date in the room with all the freaky dolls, Dean is the ultimate cutie. He goes, “I didn’t want to disrespect her by going in for a kiss.” DEAN you cutie pie you. You so young. (aka 2 years younger than me but I feel like I’m 85) “Make a move and make it count, why wait for her to do it? Don’t you carry the testosterone? Man up and boy down!!” - Ben on why these guys are being bores but later admits Dean won this round.  Peter scores the first 1:1 because he’s a gap tooth bitch. (So not a bitch, he’s hot but I just had to say it. Sorry Elan Gale)  So this Bark-fest ... is it a real thing? Is there a Meow-fest? Damn, I need to create some polls here.  “You a tall drink of water (breathing heavy) ... Romance Round 1: All Peter. The haus down.” - Ben I agree Ben, I like Peter. And I liked him even more when he admitted going to a relationship therapist. That shit is real and so beyond helpful. I hope that means he has his shit together because our girl seems to really be into it.  “She had on legging tights that fit her body like a Coca Cola bottle.” - one of the men after her wedding finger And here we are at our second group date. Appropriately basketball themed with her other homie,  Kareem Abdul - Jabbar. Did the team with the most white guys win? (poll that) “This group date was in Demario’s favor. The episode should have been called, Deamario dunked and dumped.” - Ben Demario seemed chill as fuck until his almost girlfriend showed up and called him out on national television for being the ultimate strung along fuckboi around.  “How you gonna act like you don’t know who this female is? Ummmm ... Sir you done laid her down more times than yoga!” - Ben. Yes. Ben. Rach dumed Demario so hard and so fast it was the ultimate girl power move. She even left Chris Harrison in her dust. No shoulder to cry on for this chick!  Demario eventually comes back (because obviously) during the rose ceremony to have a little convo with Rach. We are left hanging on what could possibly happen but based off Rachel’s fantastic choice of a chic fur coat she’s gonna shit on him a little more.  Ben’s final thoughts: “Girl can grill and play ball, she’s a keeper. I’m glad you made me start watching this, I can’t stop screaming, ‘YAAAASS’!” Welcome to the dark side Ben. xx

[busyonmondays-blog]

Bachelorette Week One

It’s back! Our Monday nights of drinking too much wine, eating too much cheese and judging way too much is finally here and I feel whole again.  I have to admit, when I was watching this episode in real time on Monday night I got so bored and annoyed at an accelerating pace. Could have been my wine and cheese coma, could have been PMS or 100% was that the intros were of the worst guys of the bunch. Whatever it was, I turned it off 1 hour in and had to rewatch on Tuesday evening. It did gain my attention back eventually and I bet I’ll be hooked next week. It’s no doubt that Rachel is still a fantastic pick as this seasons Bachelorette and I’m stoked at watching her journey to find her missing piece. I just hope that these goons shape up a bit more as the season continues, because right now I feel there’s slim pickings. Let’s review some of them ... 

Kenny - He’s our first intro interview and he seems pretty charming. I thought I would hate the fact that he’s a pro wrestler but you can tell he’s a softy.  Jack - The attorney with the creepy grin and murderous eyes. Honestly was talking mad shit on this guy until I found out his mom died and I felt like America’s number one asshole.  Alex - Honestly lol’d when he showed how nerdy he was coding and playing his Rubik’s Cube.  Mohit - His Bollywood dancing was a little much for my taste. But back at the mansion he had me cracking up. This poor fool could not get his shit together and ultimately failed on trying to make his appearance known. I spit out my macaroon when he yelled in the distance “NOOOO” while Rachel and Bryan swapped spit.  Lucas - I SWEAR if I ever run into this idiot in Santa Monica I will barf. I pray to GOD that the producers don’t make Rachel keep him around for more than 1 more episode. His obnoxious “whabooming” is the absolute worst and I just want it to end so so badly.  Blake - Well he says he’s a personal trainer but his bio says “aspiring drummer”. Which is weird because you either drum or you don’t? Right? He loves talking about sex and everything in between during his intro interview and I don’t think this guy knows exactly where his life is going.  Diggy - My main question is ... where does he keep those 575 pairs (real number) that he owns?  Josiah - Crazy sad back story that turned into Cinderella gets a job. He seems promising.  Peter - Seems like one of the normal ones of the bunch and has an adorable gap tooth that matches Rachels perfectly. Could he be the one simply based on his teeth and charming good looks?  Bryan - The chiropractor, he’s just hot and foreign. Rach luvs it and so does America.  This episode brought back some girl time with last seasons favorite rejects and Whitney. (Who?) It was basically  a bunch of drunk advice that I don’t think Rach learned anything from and we were reminded (not that we questioned) that she was the better choice for this 8pm time slot.  Anybody catch that quote, “This is a sausage fest!” ... Like obviously????? Anyways, not sure how Rach lucked out with getting a firefighter AND paramedic, even tho that firefighter has got to be fake. He looks like Mr. November! But by the end of this episode I was feeling a bit more confident that I could maybe make it thru this season.  My favorite quote that I want tattooed on my arm came from Milton, “I brought a bunch of outfits I didn’t even get to wear.” Milton ... YES! This is how I always feel anytime I over pack. Which is every time.  See you next week and every week where I bring some of my favorite gay boys into the mix to give us the best commentary we could ever want for season 13 of The Bachelorette. xx

[busyonmondays-blog]

The Final Rose + After the Final Rose

Anybody else surprised we made it to the end? How many panic attacks did we have thinking Nick might give up on love or love just wouldn’t find him? Nick might not have been my FAVORITE Bachelor but I guess I can say he was one of the best. ONLY BECAUSE he was real throughout the entire thing, which essentially annoyed me because he is just like most men out there. Indecisive, scared of commitment, runs from the good things, chases the challenge. (Shout out to the men who have overcome those stages in life, you the real MVP’s) Besides Nick, the girls this season were pretty rad. I love the bonds they have all formed and with the exception of “emotional intelligence” the drama wasn’t tooooo horrible. So cheers to you ladies!  For my last and final rose I brought back all my dudes for commentary … Taylor, Sako and Charles. (Craig couldn’t make it due to a psycho work week and rockets. We forgive him.) Major heart eyes for all these dudes for committing all season to giving us the best point of views we could have asked for. Jumping into the episode … “His mom’s hair is edgy. I kind of dig it.” - Taylor Raven has the first family date and I had totally forgot that she had this date earlier in the season. Her and Bella are BFF already and that betch is the hardest to please. How about when Raven tells Bella she won’t like Vanessa, that was brilliant. “Would Raven be cute with short(er) hair? I think she would be. I’m the first on the list to petition it.” - Taylor Sidebar: Taylor, why do you care so much about hair right now? But you’re not alone, I think that all the time. Her hair is just a little tooooo long. Imagine how clogged her shower drain must be.

Going into Vanessa’s date I fear for Nick’s family. Vanessa is the kind of girl who would be like, “These green beans are good but they could be better. Can I have something else?” 

Was there even any screen time with Bella and Vanessa? Did I miss it? This family cries and they cry hard. I mean I guess my family would cry too if this was their 3rd Bachelor appearance. How horrible it must be to be flown to Finland. “Can you imagine what Christmas will look like? I hope they wear rain ponchos.” - Sako

It’s hard to tell if the family was crying because they are so happy that Nick found someone like Vanessa or that they’re terrified he found someone like Vanessa. Vanessa and Nick then get a 2:1 date with Santa. This Santa is like the fancy statue Santa that your Grandma from Europe has sitting on her mantel. Like the one that doesn’t look like Santa and is just plain creepy. “This is Santas opium den.” - Charles “The present should have been edible underwear.” - Charles Surprise, surprise, Vanessa has an emotional breakdown the entire date. Expressing she isn’t sure if she wants to get engaged / is rattled by the fact Nick could (DOES) have feelings for someone else. For being a teacher she totally sucked at doing her HW on how this show works. I’m now convinced that Raven’s application says, “I love skating” because she gets yet another skating date. How did they not knock down that ice heart sculpture? I would have done that immediately. “Finally Raven broke down on a date and got a little teary eyed, only it was for puppies and not for Nick... I get it.” - Sako Taylor has created this diagram to show where Nick’s head is:

Neil Lane is back yet again. Who do you think is more annoyed with Nick … Neil Lane or Chris Harrison?  

What if when Neil Lane opened the suitcase it was filled with plastic rings instead and he’s all, “I’ve given you enough.” Raven is the first out of the limo and we all know what that means, she’s done. “If Nick doesn’t marry her I’m moving to Utah with my GF and Raven so the three of us can marry.” - Taylor I’m pretty pissed Nick let Raven spill her heart out like that only to break up with her in the end. Hasn’t he been in her shoes enough to know how shitty that is? Nick: “I’m going to miss you.” Raven: “I know.” The burniest of all the burns. “I think I’m auditioning for paradise to meet Raven.” - Charles I wanted to hate Nicks proposal but it was actually so very sweet.  Even if it was fake. Chris Harrison starts off “After the Final Rose” by saying our spanx will be knocked off. He clearly has never worn spanx because you need to lather in baby oil just to slide those fuckers off. I wish when Raven came out they used this last and final opportunity to have Raven Simone appear. When Chris asks Raven if she sees Nick and Vanessa getting married she dodged that question hard by saying yes but actually no in a lot of words.  Vanessa came out in her best NYE dress and she and Nick also dodged many questions about how unhappy they are. As if this segment couldn’t get awkward enough, it did. Producers thought it would be a great idea to bring out a few of Rachel’s new suitors for the Bachelorette. And NEWS FLASH, they’re all dorks!!  Final dude thoughts:  “It’s amazing how a dude can go most of his life with no quality suitors clamoring for his love, let alone beautiful women. But like clockwork, on this show, after about a week, several do at the same time.” - Taylor  “Nick chose Vanessa for the same reason most of us have been consumed by our own Vanessa's in the past. We associate emotion with physical connection and as Vanessa opened her heart and voiced her concern for their relationship Nick experienced real outside of the bachelor emotions.” - Sako “#stoic” - Charles  In conclusion, Chris Harrison nailed it this year with saying this would be the most dramatic season ever. See ya’ll in paradise!  xx

[busyonmondays-blog]

Week Ten + WTA

What a night this was, three hours of The Bachelor. I thought this night was going to make me die of boredom but it didn’t. I did fall asleep for like 15 minutes of it tho. I also gave my dudes a break this week because I need all their good material for the final rose. Rest up boys!  The episode starts off with a 500 Days of Summer remake having Raven skip around Finland in complete joy kissing puppies and reindeer. Which basically answers the major q of the night ... yes she had an orgasm.  I wish during Rachel and Nicks date they would have cut to Chris Harrison saying, “Eh we don’t need to watch this. We know how it ends.”  I loved that the morning after the “sleep over” Rachel was in a fuzzy penguin onesie. I mean, that alone shows how comfortable Rachel got with Nick which clearly freaked him the heck out. I would never wake up next to a boo thang in that unless I knew I had locked him down. *must always wake up flawless*

Nick takes Vanessa on a date that could very well give her hypothermia but WHO CARES? She already went in zero gravity and barfed everywhere.  I couldn’t tolerate Nick in his many other short swim shorts throughout the season but these blue ones .... these are good. 10/10. Nice bod.  Nick and Vanessa make my head spin. Their constant bickering makes it hard for me to follow if they hate or love each other. Nick lets Vanessa know how totally non traditional he is and Vanessa lets him know that shes very traditional. Sunday dinners are the one thing Vanessa will not let go. This is going to be very tough since Nick loves America so much and is tying himself to the Santa Monica Pier.  Nick lets Rachel go and we really have no clarity WHY. He basically tells her how incredible she is, how he always wants her in his life and all that other blah blah you’re perfect bullshit but can’t commit to her.  I mean, cool. At least he realized she is WAY to good for him.  OR WHAT IF ABC was like, “Look we will guarantee you a spot on Dancing with the Stars if you let Rachel go and let us make her the first black Bachelorette.” A compromise this true reality show whore could not turn down. Women Tell All ... how much Xanax do you think Chris Harrison took for this? Like, holy shit these girls would not shut up! 

There’s always those few girls that show up who you’re just like, “Why are you here?” But really ... Elizabeth and Lacey. Nobody in America remembers who you are (EVEN NICK) so please, you should have just stayed home and saved your Charlotte Russe dress for instagram pics.  Liz gave this major motivational speech about not letting your past define you and how to live your life in the moment, being the true person you are and so much more. It was actually something I needed to hear and I didn’t even know it. So thanks Liz for coming on the show, being crazy and showing that you can still be chill and normal after. We all get a little psycho from time to time.  Corinne. Alright, I like this girl. She had a kick ass attitude the entire time. Snapped back at the  hyenas when appropriate and for having the more “developed” relationship with Nick out of any of those girls sitting there, she carried her emotions and has clearly brushed him off.  Imagine how drunk you could have gotten if you took a shot each time the word “nap” was brought up during this shit show. Taylor continued to try to define ‘emotional intelligence’ and couldn’t.  When Nick came out Danielle L totally lost it. Clearly her world was shattered when she got sent home and still isn’t over it. The girl couldn’t even look in his direction! I feel for her and I hope she realizes her perfectly curled hair is too good for Nick, he’s a turd.  I wish Alexis said more.  Can’t wait till next week when we watch Nick cry in a Bachelor franchise for the very last time.  xx

[busyonmondays-blog]

Week Nine

Having this weeks episode only one hour kind of made me feel way more relaxed. But thinking about next weeks three hour binge has me feeling nervous, scared, anxious, worried, like I need to have 7 bottles of wine ready.  I brought Taylor back as my dude for this week because he’s cool.  Our cliffhanger last week was Andi showing up to Nicks room. It was like deja vu and I’m sure Nick loved having that reminder of the day Andi ruined him on national television.  I’m trying to figure out exactly when Andi became Nicks guidance counselor and when having your ex give you the green light to have sex with the person people you’re dating became the norm.  “Andi annoys me. And getting advice from the chick that chose Josh Murray. Really?” - Taylor ... Confession, I love jerky, frat boy Josh Murray.

When Nick tells Andi that just because there’s one person standing at the end doesn’t mean he will propose left me feeling very confident that nothing good will come out of this season. Also feeling like that was his way of saying, “Call me after the final rose xoxo.” Clearly he’s still stalking her Instagram.  Vanessa continues to add on to this new annoyance I’ve developed for her and explains how she doesn’t feel special and I don’t understand why. I mean Nick has only been dating a handful of other girls at the exact same time, what’s not to feel special about?   Why is ABC so keen on letting these girls stand in dresses in the cold / wind / freezing temps? Can they not afford a ballroom or at least some heaters? Let’s get a Go Fund Me started for that. “Vanessa is still so gorgeous. Rachel is still too smart to be on this show. Raven’s accent is still the jam. Corinne is still the worst.” - Taylor Nick comes out to say, “Sorry to make you ladies wait, I know it’s cold (but my ex came back and I think I have to break up with all of you).” Also a real quote from every ex you have ever had.  We said adios to Corinne and there’s a chance the next couple weeks of this show will totally suck. Her tears were questionable, but I do believe she is pissed. Her limo speech was actually the best (”I’m done trying to impress men.”) and I think I could hear women across the nation yell “You go girl!”  “His goodbye to Corinne was akin to a middle-school boy saying goodbye to his summer camp girlfriend.” - Taylor

Anybody else notice the cheese plate during Ravens date? Looked good. Raven brings up some juicy (or not) details about her last relationship. The relationship that lasted two years, did not include ‘I love you’ or an orgasm. And that made it more clear how much that dude deserved the stiletto to the head.  “Nick, bruh, your turtleneck ain’t workin’.  And it just got a lot hotter in that turtleneck after Raven’s Big “O” Bombshell.” - Taylor  BUT REALLY. I know the internet exploded about Nicks fashion choice during this date but it was truly a crime. He’s already awkward enough, don’t add a turtleneck.  Taylor’s view on Raven’s love confession: “After that confession of love she’s probably more exhausted than after her imminent first orgasm. I know Nick sure is.” My view on Raven’s love confession: It was the cutest thing I have ever heard and I was very much impressed. Having someone make you feel comfortable and feeling things you have never felt before is an incredibly scary feeling and I cheers her for being able to allow herself to be vulnerable.  Can we clearly see the boy / girl views here? Taylor’s final thoughts, “Chris Harrison must try to get at some of these chicks, right?”  CH has his own clothing line! He’s too good for these girls.  xx

[busyonmondays-blog]

Week Eight

In case we forgot (we didn’t) this week reminded us that Nick cries a lot and Corinne vomits money. We also had the parents ask the question on all of America’s mind, “What is Nicks real life job?”  My dude for week eight is Charles, 32 of Pasadena. He was very nervous his commentary wouldn’t be good enough for the fans but he certainly provided some solid one liners that I know everyone will enjoy. Our first hometown is in Hoxie (Arkansas? Alabama? I forget) with America’s sweetheart, Raven. Paul Blart: Mall Cop immediately busts the two lovebirds for trying to do some weird illegal hick stuff, but to our surprise it was staged and twas Ravens brother ... shocker!   “I can’t wait to see swamp sex.” - Charles after watching whats coming next  So then we get there and I have never wanted to take a shower more in my life. Throwing mud on someone is cool at the spa but definitely not in a swamp.  “Not his Aldos!” - Charles ... Major concern for sure but what about that mad UTI Raven is about to get? BONUS COMMENTARY: “Why don’t you drag me thru the mud?” - Stacey, wife “You’re too heavy.” - Charles, husband Ravens family was just downright sweet. Nick seemed a little awkward when Ravens father announced he was cancer free but what’s new? He’s awkward. 

At the end of the night Raven tried to spit out, “I love you” but couldn’t. I don’t blame her. The pressure to say it during hometowns is too much and not being able to hear it back is far worse. I liked her version of it better.  Rachel’s hometown in Dallas was next and made me beyond excited for her season of The Bachelorette. She has such a kind, loving soul and I truly hope she finds someone that compliments her life.  Rach (we’re chill) decided to show Nick what a real black church is like and boy am I glad she did. I was curled up in a ball watching Nick trying to clap along to the soul of this sanctuary and creepily opening is eyes during prayer.  Back at the house there’s another white guy and Nick feels calm. Until he realizes this brother in law is freakin’ weird. Was he reading off cue cards or just really emphasizing his words? Also - heavy topic of discussion was that Nick is white and Rachel is black. Yes we get it, we see it, how long must we talk about it? I like when Nick was like, “It’s a fact she’s black.”  Corinne. Corinne. Corinne. Her hometown in Miami was basically everything I expected. Money, fedoras and Jon Lovitz.  We start off with spending $3k on shopping and Nick settling on an outfit that I’m 500% sure he already owns. I guess the difference is the old outfit is from Kohls and this new one is ... $3000.  After shopping they have a $500 lunch and Corinne says “I love you” followed with a question mark. The pressure is real people. I’m not falling for this one.

Back at Corinne’s mansion is Raquel. We’ve waited for this for a very long time and didn’t even get any cheese pasta. Instead we got Jon Lovitz’s olives?  Corinne’s dad basically asks Nick how much money he has in his bank account to which Nick basically says, “I have overdraft fees but am chill with being Corinnes nanny.” Dad is ok with that.  “Corinne is the lint to Nick’s pot?” - Charles ... nope it was LID.  Vanessa’s hometown date in Montreal was a turning point. It started off very relatable and heartwarming. Meeting Vanessa’s students and seeing their faces light up when they saw her was a tear jerker.  But then shit got weird ... fast ...  Vanessa’s brother. Like ... why is his accent SO heavy and why is Vanessa’s nonexistent? And why did she invite 100 people to this dinner? Actually, jk. I would for sure do the same if I was on this show. My hometown would be ... my mom, dad, sister. And then my cousins, second cousins, third cousins, aunts, uncles, best friends, neighbors and friends cats. Just something very casual.  After a very aggressive dinner at moms they venture over to dads which is much more chill ... but not.  The dad lays some hard questions on Nick like, DID YOU ASK FOR THE OTHER FATHERS BLESSING?  Somehow Nick tip toes around this.  Vanessa finds out from pops that Nick HAS asked the other dads the same q. And this is a MAJOR surprise for Vanessa. Has she not watched this show? Is this new to her?   And this is the moment Vanessa lost her cool.  Charles’ final thoughts: “Nick is a 10/10 real dude. My favorite Bachelor. But if he picks Corinne I will never watch The Bachelor again.” Later ...  “I’m afriad I can’t keep my promise on not watching The Bachelor ever again if he picks Corinne. I mean we didn’t shake on it.”  So you’re saying Corinne has a chance? 2017, anything is possible. xx 

[busyonmondays-blog]

Week Seven

ABC decided to spoil the rest of the entire season for us by announcing early that Rachel will be the next Bachelorette. But I get it. After 33 seasons there’s finally some diversity in the franchise and they can’t fuck this up. Lets hope this early announcement gets some decent men in the mix for Rach.  The man, myth, legend, Sako is my dude tonight. He told me his interest in this season was slipping and I slapped him back to reality.  Back on heartbreak island, Nick is losing his damn mind. He clearly wants love but is way too scared to let anybody in who might actually be good for him, therefore he just kicks everybody off who opens up.  “Nick is having a hard time committing to this process but I wish he didn’t commit so easily to those Bermuda shorts.” - Sako  The girls are all sitting in silence and tears as they wait for Nick to spit out his words on if he’s staying (plus what island they’re off to next). In a shocking turn of events .......... he stays. Mainly because he signed a fat contract and can’t break that shit.  Vanessa gets the 1:1 with a date card that reads, “Lets get deeper” and suddenly we’re watching 50 Shades. 

Corinne later says my favorite quote that I would like on my tombstone, “Now I’m getting frustrated and I’m really bloated.”  And then she goes on trying to convince herself that Vanessa has no depth. I can not wait till Corinne watches this season and compares their dates to hers.  “Is Nicks goal this episode to go home with bronzed thighs? Why do his shorts keep shrinking?” - Sako During the 1:1 Vanessa does the ONE thing you should not do while dating Nick, tell him you’re falling. I held my breath during this moment because I thought for sure he was about to dump her.  Nick clearly learned a lesson from Ben Higgins season and did NOT say ‘I love you’ back, however his mumble jumble response ended up being the actual worse. 

“I get that Vancessa is upset Nick didn’t say I love you but how about that Carly Rae Jepsen plug? ‘I really really really like you’. “ - Sako .... wait is Nick friends with Juan Pablo????? Group date is basically a ton of sunscreen and sharks. And I’m not really sure what happened here.  Raven says she would for sure punch a shark in the nose and we’re all like, yeah we know.  “Raven is a cool chick, like you wanna hang out on a porch and drink a Bud Light with her.” - Sako ... that’s the only time I’ll drink a Bud Light.  Danielle’s date was almost as boring as waiting in line at the DMV ... ALMOST. Chick is sweet but damn, getting convo out of her is impossible. And then I thought, “Oh my God, this is what I’m like on first dates.”  “I think Danielle smokes a blunt between takes.” - Sako ... it all makes sense now. Danielle gets sent home and she is every girl who just got dumped, hoping and wishing her life would turn into a rom com and he would come running through the door. Not this time babe.  Later, Corinne and her platinum vagine attempt to walk in Loubs (that she is clearly not worthy of) to seduce Nick. And once again her seduction plan fails. “Guess her vagine is like copper, maybe aluminum.” - Sako In a furious rage Corinne storms off and says “fuck you” to the automatic door and opens her own damn door. Date with Rachel was like 2 seconds long. Probably because the producers were like, “don’t matter”. And just when we thought Nick might be getting his head on straight, he sends Kristina home. And we’re back to the beginning, Nick blindsiding all the good chicks.  Sako’s final words: “This was a good week. I felt bad for the girls ... and for Nicks balls suffocating in those shorts all week.” That would explain the lack of oxygen to Nicks brain. xx

[busyonmondays-blog]

Week Six

I locked down a solid dude commentator for this weeks post. He’s a former co worker of mine, loves The Bachelor and he’s the star of that YouTube video link below. I’d like to say the video is a horrible illustration of what girls are actually like while watching this show, but I can’t. It’s very much so accurate. Taylor, 31 of Los Angeles has without a doubt provided us with some fantastic dude point of view. ** Note: quoting him as Dude Taylor to not get confused with psycho chick Taylor **

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K65SjfAElUc&app=desktop ONCE AGAIN the episode takes off with Corinne and Taylor drama, but judging by the zero fucks look Nick is throwing I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Taylor is out and I actually “like” (using the term lightly) Corinne.  The rose ceremony has me freaking out because ALEXIS goes home. I absolutely did not see a future for them but she was the most fun in the house. Sad to see her go.  “Alexis is the offspring of Jade and Ashley I.” - Dude Taylor  Um, I can’t even believe you made such a Bachelor knowledgeable reference. 

Everyone jets off to St.Thomas and they’re talking about how romantic it is there, except it looks windy as fuck. I bet this hurricane weather has to do with the voodoo bath Taylor took in the swamps.  Sweet little Kristina gets the St.Thomas 1:1 and boy did America cry. Her life story was unlike anybody else’s on this show and the epitome of the American Dream.  “Nick actually looks taken back, which tends to be positive for his interests….She’s going to make a good wife.” - Dude Taylor  It’s true. Nick is VERY easy to read. You can tell when he’s genuinely interested in what a girl is saying or when he’s day dreaming about Corinnes boobs.  Back at the Marriott we get an island Raquel, who I’m pretty sure does not know what cheese pasta is but can probably make a mean jerk chicken.  The group date was a game of volleyball that ended up being a terrible idea. Everyone got way too drunk and competitive which led to all of them crying on the sidelines about things I don’t even think they know.   “Except my girl Raven, as usual she’s a trooper.” - Dude Taylor  Dude Taylor loves Raven and rightfully so. She’s funny, calm and cool. But tell me Taylor, did you like her diaper swimsuit?  Did we all catch Nick walking like a dinosaur? Why does he do this so often? (see gif in week two post)  Later Nick has an awkward conversation with Jasmine where he is essentially trying to get her to send herself home. She tries to make a Matilda chokey reference sound sexy and Nick does the deed. BYE Felicia.  The choices for the 2:1 were interesting ... producers. We witnessed Whitney speak the most she ever has all season (before getting sent home) saying, “You think Danielle L is ready for a relationship?” WOOAH girl. Dude Taylor was a fan that sass. My heart broke during the end of Danielle L and Nick, and not because she was top in my bracket but because I get her. The poor girl was completely blindsided by it all and that just blows. 

“I don’t think Dani L is as “raw” as he wants. Too cookie-cutter for him. Look at this past girls, Andy and Kaitlin, both edgy sassy girls.” - Dude Taylor I see this too much in my daily life. Guy meets girl, guy likes girl, it’s fun and cool and normal, guy gets scared, guy runs. Isn’t Chris Harrison’s role to offer some life advice and knock some sense into Nick? WHERE IS HE???? (and where is Chris Harrison in my dating life?)  Dude Taylors final thoughts: “I understand it. Dude twice planned on proposing to a woman and was dumped; that experience just doesn’t go away. So his insecurities are understandable and his candor is appreciated. However, he’s been here before and he knows how this works. And is getting a lot of money regardless. So, “running away” and acting like you aren’t going to at least see it through is a bit dramatic.”  Okay but like what about real life dating? Can you be my Chris Harrison?  xx

[busyonmondays-blog]

Week Five

Sako has returned for this week as my dude and we were both equally bored throughout the whole 2 hours. I mean was Nick even in this episode? I forgot what he looked like. 

Each week I’m challenged to see how far back I can roll my eyes to the back of my head and how quickly into the episode it actually happens. This time it was within minute three.  That “emotional intelligence” argument between Corinne and Taylor was so boring and predictable that I put all my focus into finishing my box of coconut caramel cookies instead. #zeroregrets  “Corinne talking about half the house not liking Taylor, not realizing half the house talked to Nick about how crazy Corinne is, is very entertaining to me.” - Sako Rachel gets the New Orleans 1:1 and I’m so glad she did. This chick is real, down to earth and is clearly being considered to be the next Bachelorette. I love how much fun they were having, how relateable the date actually was and how Nick gave zero fucks on shoving beignets in his mouth.  “I like when Nick says Rachel looks smart with glasses ... dude she’s a lawyer it’s not the glasses” - Sako Anybody else think that singer looked like Ronda Rousey? There’s also a chance I’m way off because I think I’ve only seen Rousey once in my life. The group date gets to go to Disneyland and walk around the Haunted Mansion. Honestly this shit was BORING. The house keeper, mint julep guy was so sketch and was 1000% brought in by Disney. The best part was Raven’s word vomit telling Nick she loved him and then in her confessional laughing it off.  “You know what’s scarier than a dead little girl? Getting turned down on national television for the third time ... “ - Sako ... Actually Sako it would be the fourth time for Nick so you’re wrong.  The one time I actually appreciated Corinne was while she was back at the mansion ordering all of the room service.  

The classic 2:1 is always with the two who hate each other the most so it was obvious Corinne and Taylor would be the lucky winners. The two get shipped off to the swamps on a boat driven by Dog the Bounty Hunter. It’s like so awkward having Nick hold one girls hand and caressing the others leg.  “This episode does suck. The most interesting thing about the 2:1 is Nicks shirt ... I like his shirt.” - Sako ... Honestly can’t remember what he was wearing but totes impressed that you took note.  This date was basically a replay of the rose ceremony except with more bugs and voodoo. Nick tries to send Taylor home but THEN the producers convince her to come back and we are left hanging ... WHEN WILL IT END?  Once again the ending was my favorite part because it had Alexis in it kissing a Nicholas Cage mask. I hope N.Cage shows up at Women Tell All. LOLZ.  Sako’s final words: “This episode feels like a cheesy soap opera, the voodoo doll and haunted house ... I’m waiting for Dr. Drake Ramoray to pop out of the swamp.”  DRAKE RAMORAY!!!!!!!! dead.

[busyonmondays-blog]

Week Four

I’m bringing in a new guest for this week who is guaranteed to not disappoint. Craig, 34 of Los Angeles is laying down the realness in this weeks blog post and providing some solid dude commentary. Week four has got me exhausted. Exhausted of this whinny biotch Corinne. Honestly how could any man tolerate her for more than 2 hours once a week? Because I can’t even do this through the TV. I hope she’s on mute for the next few weeks.  We pick up right where we left off, with Vanessa handing Nick a plate full of ‘wake the fuck up’ and I start to think I need Vanessa as my own relationship therapist. This chick gets straight to the point and shows her worth.  Craig is very much concerned as to why “shark girl” [Alexis] is still there and why Brittany went home. Let me tell you Craig, Brittany needs to bring back those hair extensions / look into eating some SugarBear vitamins otherwise she is forgettable.  Our first 1:1 this week goes to giggles McGee Danielle L. Someone needs to tell her Nick isn’t THAT funny, he’s actually not funny at all. But I get it, nervous laughs.  I was SO shocked when Nick casually, unplanned ran into his ex perfectly sitting in the coffee shop window ..........................

How is Danielle L getting all these serenading concert dates? Did she demand this in her contract?  Craig: “Regardless if her tit was ready to pop out at any moment, I’m happy she’ll be around for another week.” I have a feeling all other straight men watching this show are thinking the exact same thing.  This group date was perfect for Chris Soules to eliminate which runner ups he’s going to pounce on after this season. Also showed us that Nick hates farms because he is wearing store bought ripped jeans. Farmer Chris does not approve. 

Craig: “With how many girls Nick has been with, you would think he’d know how to handle some teats.” But really. And 10/10 for the lez, Jaimi for showing him up.  Whitney gets some camera time and everyone is like, “you new?” Honestly her and Astrid look identical so maybe that’s why we can’t figure it out.  Side bar: “Who else is disappointed that Corinne didn’t slip and fall into a large pile of shit.” - Craig; Answer is all of America. And probably Canada too. Everyone attacks Corinne on taking a nap and her Elle Woods argument is a brief list of people who also take naps, Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln. I’d like to see the records that show they took naps. I don’t believe it. Ravens 1:1 included Nicks relationship counselor, 11 year old Bella and as Craig so perfectly put it, “Some Uma Thurman Kill Bill repertoire.” I think this date was fantastic and real. Raven couldn’t make eye contact with the parents, real. Bella is still more mature than most of us, real. There were skates everywhere they went, real.  Anyone else catch how aggressive Nicks henley was unbuttoned at the roller rink? Like calm down there are children around. Ravens cheating story really brought out the true Arkansas redneck in her and I LOVED IT! This babe is not to be messed with and I would like her in my squad. Craig: “She rocked the 80s roller-skating; rocked the accent and rocked the ‘wearing my heart on my sleeve’ ‘I’m going to scare him from even considering cheating on me’ attitude.” I’m going for this approach on dates for now on. The cocktail party is just another episode of Corinnes drama llama and I zoned out.  The ending with Alexis admitting her fears of Nicholas Cage and aliens is hilarious and is exactly why she’s still there .... CRAIG! Craig’s final words: “Oh Corinne. I really hope she is getting paid to say and do all the retarded shit she is saying and doing. Just when I think she’s reached her lowest point, ta da!! She says something even more ridiculous. ‘We’re in a competition for a fiancé, not a pickle.’ Oh god, shoot me now.” It’s only just beginning Craig. Go take a nap. 

xx

[busyonmondays-blog]

Week Three

Well week three was nothing short of a sorority girl shit show and it was without a doubt the best part of my Monday. I summoned Sako again for this episode because I think he loves this show more than me.  Nick does his confession of a teenage drama queen speech and these girls take it surprisingly well. Round of applause for them being mature and leaving the past in the past.  Except for Corinne, this bitch is drinking wayyy too much tequila.  “She’s proving she’s still crazy with her Inspector Gadget cosplay” - Sako **note to self never dress up as Inspector Gadget** Yeah this clearly didn’t go as she expected it to, but also what was she thinking was going to happen? I love when Nick looks around at the producers basically being like, “WTF is wrong with you guys?” but also like “Hehe me likey.” Nick licks the top of Corinnes boob and I slap my forehead. Rose ceremony happens and Corinne is upstairs snoring. Classic. Girl in yellow dress goes home and I say out loud, “Who are you?” Group date card rolls out and the cryptic clue simply reads, “Everybody!” How girls immediately guessed BSB is beyond me, turns out we’ve got some Wheel of Fortune champions on this show.  10 points for ABC finally booking a band that the girls actually know and 500 points for Christen being the ultimate fan girl. 

During the planned dancing, I mean choreography (God Corinne is so blah), it becomes super obvious that a few of these girls did not own Darrin’s Dance Grooves growing up. Honestly I would have dominated this date because my life revolved around that VHS tape.  I like when Corinne says she’s worried she’s going to embarrass herself in front of a 500 person live audience. What she forgot is this airs on national television so it’s actually more like 500 million people she’ll be embarrassing herself in front of, sorry babe.   Sako: “Nick has one freestyle move and it’s ‘the drunk 40 year old’, then I realize .. he is drunk and he’s basically 40.” And then Sako did the math ... “Nick was 17 when the first BSB album dropped. That’s like me having a group date with Danity Kane when I’m 36.” chill brah. Back during mansion chills Jasmine finds out Corinne has a nanny and her reaction is pure gold. And then Corinne says her nanny makes her cheese pasta ...... is that mac and cheese? Someone get this girl some Kraft. Vanessa, the goddess of the show gets the weeks 1:1 and it was honestly the most honest, real 1:1 this show has ever seen.  FIRST OF ALL THE CHICK BARFS and Nick is still googly eyed. (Sako claims that this probably isn’t the first girl Nicks kissed after puking but I really don’t want him to ruin this moment!) SECOND, Vanessa made Nick cry and it could’ve been because he just tasted some left over vom in his mouth but I think there’s a better chance that this was the moment we saw Nicks heart. This date made me grab a carton of ice cream and start eating straight out of it. I was totally sucked in, tears in my eyes because you could actually see this pretty raw and beautiful moment. Wah. Sap.  

Second group date was a track and field competition and I was quickly transported back to middle school. For dramatic effect the ring the girls had to grab at the end of the race smashes and I think that’s foreshadowing the end of this season for Nick.  Cocktail party is replaced with a very classy pool party and I still have a migraine from watching this shit show. Corinne gets a bounce house because that’s what every multi million dollar business women thinks of getting. Lots of dry humping goes on in here and I’m starting to think Corinne needs a WWRD (What Would Raquel Do?) bracelet. The rest of the girls are PO’d and the interventions begin. Raven makes it very clear that Corinne can not wash a spoon and Vanessa gets down to business by calling him the fuck out.  Sako’s final words: “This bitch [Corinne] ... she’s like Jerry Springer. She’s interesting for a few episodes but if I have to keep watching her I’m just going to feel dirty.”  Well Sako, you’re about to get filthy.  xx 

[busyonmondays-blog]

Week Two

Before we dive into the sex-catastrophe of an episode I want to intro my dude commentator for this week, Nick 28 of Santa Barbara. He’ll be under the alias, Sako, as to not get confused with our main guy.  In this weeks episode we quickly come to realize that Corinne is in fact the next Courtney Robertson which absolutely means she will come out with a tell all book. I will buy it, read it in a day and want to be her best friend. And we’re confirmed with the fact that Nick is really just looking to fool around this season and get broken up with again and again and again. 

Group date number one: The moment for all the girls to start hating each other, let their freak flags fly high but also get really excited for their friend when they get a kiss from the same dude they’re dating. IDK, seems weird. 

What’s a Bachelor episode without having a photoshoot and a fake wedding? The answer is: it’s nothing. Sako makes the statement, “Brittany was forgettable the first episode … welcome to the show Brittany. WELCOME.” He’s right, she was totally forgettable but she for sure caught the attention of America in that topless Eve outfit. It was even better when she walked out and Corinne was beyond jealous of her bush. I think America would have been ok with not seeing Nick’s creamy thighs but who am I to make that call? #sexsells Alexis is basically the only girl who has a personality. The rest are losing their shit and Alexis is over here balancing a hairspray can on her fake belly. Sako brings up a great point, “First the shark costume, now a pregnant bride. Is Alexis actually hiding a pregnancy?” Wouldn’t that be AWESOME? Like, Alexis tells all the girls later that she met Nick down the hallway at Jade and Tanners wedding and they slept together and she actually gave him her number and now shes bearing his child. That would spice up the ratings FOR SURE. Corinne thinks she’s hot shit in her Target triangle bikini but then realizes it’s not enough and she must become Janet Jackson! When I take my future wedding photos (lol) I’m for sure doing this pose, it screams class, sophistication and love. Corinne keeps saying how she’s feeling the chemistry but what I think she’s really feeling is what any girl would feel from a straight guy holding her boobs. Sako says, “It’s not called chemistry Corinne, it’s called sexual harassment.” So Corinne gets the rose and we for sure know now that this is an A+ wedding photographer. The only thing Sako took from the after party was, “Nick sounds wasted and the small puke stain on his white v neck isn’t helping his case.” News flash to Sako, The Bachelor is basically one giant puddle of drunk. 

Back at the mansion Liz is plotting her plan on who she will sucker into having to hear every detail of her sexy time with Nick aka the guy who said person is ALSO trying to date. Sounds like a moment where I would for sure stab a pencil in my eye.  Poor Christen is the victim but honestly she deserves it because who spells their name that way anyways? Also, how long was this convo because they definitely went through three outfit changes. Sako: “Liz apparently makes robot sounds during sex … or her vag is made of latex.” The first 1:1 is awarded to Danielle who’s in the small batch of calm and normal girls. I have to give her props because her drunk eyes are on point. This was the quick moment where we realized Danielle might in fact be too good for Nick.  Since the theme of this years Bach is “Nick always gets broken up with”, it only seems fitting to have a group date where he gets broken up with ... by 10 girls. I enjoyed this date because I’ve actually been way curious about this museum and now I don’t have to waste my time crying over other people’s heartache. I bet Neil Lane is pissed his ring is just chillin in this Hollywood Blvd museum.  Liz has this way too good break up letter and I’m wondering if I could get a copy of it and keep it in my back pocket. But then jokes on her because Christen goes to Nick and is like, “Hehehe I know what you did last summer.” And then Nick breaks up with Liz. Which was a good move because her murderous looks were getting more intense by the minute. Sako’s final words: “This last episode was a bad break up. I was up, I was down, I laughed, I cried, I became angry ... but come next Monday my ass will be sitting in front of the TV watching The Bachelor, because as painful as it was to watch, I’m addicted to the roller coaster.”  I can’t wait till the freak out of next weeks episode where Corinne realizes her boobs weren’t the first ones Nick has groped. xx

[busyonmondays-blog]

Week One

Ah, night one. You can smell the roses or more importantly the water downed driveway. My dude for night one was Jeff, 29 of Sherman Oaks. However this was his very first ever Bachelor viewing (i know wtf) so you can imagine how overwhelmed he was when he found out  A) This was two hours long and B) People like this actually exist. Most of his commentary was, “Wait, what?” and “Is that a Halloween costume?” So I’m letting my dude POV slide for this round and diving in with that next week. Our night starts off with watching Nick take a shower for 15 minutes and the awkwardness knowing the camera man had to watch him bend over. It then continues when we sit down with 3 more clowns, Farmer Chris, Ben Higgins and Sean Lowe. I’m not really sure what happened during that segment because all I could think about was how I forgot that Farmer Chris has the most dorkiest laugh in all of America. We’re continually reminded that there’s a ton of red dresses coming out of the limo which means that all these girls listened to the Jonas Brothers, ‘Burnin Up’ while getting ready. (Lyrics read: “High heels, red dress”). We then sit thru 30 girls stepping out of the limo and I continue to eat cheesecake. Girls worth bitching about: Josephine - She brings a damn hot dog wiener to “Lady and the Tramp” with and I’m instantly more annoyed. Corrine - First off she still has a nanny, who by now is probably making bank being around for 24 years. Second, lets take a shot for each time we hear Corinne say she runs a multi million dollar company and then lets drink a bucket of wine when she finds out she’s actually just been playing The Sims this whole time. Alexis - We all know her as the chick who showed up in a Shark costume and got so drunk she couldn’t open her eyes. I however see her as someone who DGAF and is probably a lot of fun to hang with. I’m rooting for this freak purely for entertainment. Taylor - I read her Bachelor bio and she put her favorite clothing designer is Forever 21. I’m just going to stop there. Astrid - Who watches The Office? Where’s Michael Scott?   Lacey - Shows up on a camel, cracks a joke “Everyone likes a good hump” and then production doesn’t even give her a damn ladder to get off the beast. and of course ELIZABETH aka LIZ: This crazy eyed, puckered lips betch slept with Nick and didn’t give him her number BUT WAS SUDDENLY INTERESTED 9 months later when he became B list famous. Nick seems pissed but keeps her around because guys think with their dicks. How long do we think until Liz shatters the other girls worlds and tells them how she’s been there done that? I say episode two. The first impression rose went to the very first girl that ABC intro’d to us, Rachel. Yes, the girl with the 100 year old vacuum who needs to calm the fuck down while picking up dust. Other that someone needs to hand her a Bed Bath and Beyond coupon, she seems fairly normal and well educated. She won’t win but will make it far. #ABClawsuit

My top 4 would have to be: Sarah: The girl who wore Nikes with her dress, fashion forward and innocent. Would be friends. Danielle M: From good ol’ Nashville which has increasingly become the place ex contestants go to retire so she already has the one up. Vanessa: Basically the perfect human all around. Naturally beautiful, special education teacher, speaks multiple languages and had zero drama or drunk moments on night one. I think she’s too good for Nick so she won’t win but will totes be The Bachelorette. Danielle L: She’s gorgeous, successful and seems like a good match for Nick. I would for sure be her friend so I could get my nails done for free. She wins. Anyways, Chris Harrison might finally be right with this being the most dramatic season EVER. I mean hell, we’re giving Nick a fourth date with Neil Lane (who btw is annoyed as fuck with this bro). See you next week when we count down the shots until Corinne becomes Courtney Robertson 2.0 xx

[busyonmondays-blog]

First Impression

I’ve been told I’m pretty funny, especially when watching The Bachelor / all Bachelor franchises. So I thought why not skip along with all the other single betchy girls out there and write a blog filled with my judgment, I mean a blog filled with my complete moral rationalizations. 

I’ve also decided to recruit a new dude for each episode who will provide their sentiment on what the fuck is actually going on. Which will also double as getting some free solid advice on what NOT to do while dating. So grab your wine, put on your sweats and let’s stop pretending we all aren’t wishing we could get a lifetime supply of Sugar Bear Hair vitamins. 

xx