butterscotchblues - Tumblr blog

[butterscotchblues]

419.

most people have been surprised or "excited" for me when i discuss my departure from atlanta. but this was the first time i saw a friend get teary-eyed.

i hadn't expected it and i could tell she was trying to keep herself from actually crying. it was sad. but endearing too.

minah is the only real friend i made this year. we've been hanging tough since march and its been a wild ride. like, a year i'll never forget. truly.

everything feels so divine. it makes sense we connected during my final year in the city. the year of my sobriety. of solitude. of expansion. of figuring out what it means to get free. the year of some significant growth. and heartache.

i have a feeling we'll be friends for quite some time.

[butterscotchblues]

374.

it's funny how when you stop fucking with someone, they just disappear. friends, partners, whoever. just disappear from your world.

y'all could be living in the same city 15 mins away from each other and not even a random grocery store run in happens.

yesterday.. i "ran into" two exes. one i havent seen in 4 years. the other i haven't seen in 2. in the same day.

what are the fucking odds, bro?

i was so shook i pulled up my horoscope LOL.

[butterscotchblues]

370.

wasn't sure if i'd keep writing here after hitting my year mark. but these last 7ish months have been really cool and pressure-free so why not?

i've been doing a lot of reconciling with my past over the last year and definitely in these last 3-4 months. i'm realizing i do not owe anybody a past version of me. not even myself. i am allowed to grow and change and completely pivot if it want. and whoever is still along for the journey, well.. cool.

sounds like a pretty "duh" statement but it feels like this shift that's happened. i look at pictures of me pre-2020 and i am simply not that person anymore. and it feels liberating in a lot of ways. but it's also left me feeling a bit lost. because if i'm not that person anymore, then who the fuck am iiiiiiiii???

on another note, i've been having these really short but intense moments of nostalgia. but more like time-traveling nostalgia and less "longing for the past" nostalgia. lol like i'll have these unprovoked moments throughout my day where i'm momentarily transported to church camp or some shit lol. and i will smell and feel and see it all very vividly for just a few moments.

i started referring to them as "callbacks".

nostalgia isn't new for me but the intensity of these callbacks is. most of them are from childhood and are moments i rarely, if ever, think about.

so going back to past versions.. they never really leave us it seems. i went to a friend of my gf's house warming kickback a couple days ago and he was telling me how he remembers the first time he saw me perform. and how he was talking to someone and i came up to them, mic in hand, and started rapping in their faces to get their attention lmao. and he said how much he admired and respected that. i was sitting their listening like he wasn't even talking about me. i was like 'damn that's cool' hahaa. i really don't remember it at all and its a moment that has stuck with him for the last almost decade.

funny how that works.

at this moment, the thought of getting on a stage again absolutely terrifies me. in all truth, it's always terrified me... i just got used to the routine after a while. and drinking helped (read: no it did not). but now its been almost two years and it's becoming harder and harder to visualize going back to performing. esp in this covid era. but i digress.

idk idk idk.

[butterscotchblues]

365.

one year ago today i got blackout drunk for what was [hopefully] the last time. a part of me knew it'd be the last time which is probably why i went so hard. no regrets, but if that isn't a testament to how badly i needed sobriety idk what is lol.

also, finally paid off my lawyer and can get my full license reinstated (i've been using a work permit, no riding dirty over here)

i'm celebrating with a haircut later and i took off work tomorrow so me and baby will be making a day of it. she didn't really get to celebrate her one year mark a couple weeks back so it's so exciting that we get to do it together.

thinking the museum and lunch/dinner. find some water to get in. a pool or lake would be nice.

next week is the deadline for a film script competition. first one i'm entering. v nervous but it'll be a real step in a new chapter. anyway, writing this to keep me accountable.

happy one year of not dranking the drank to me! i feel so blessed to know this feeling. it's better than i imagined.

[butterscotchblues]

356.

how do you comfort someone in the thick of their own trauma? i've been lost for what feels like months. my partner is really going through it. and at literally no fault to her own. it's heartbreaking watching her go through it and i feel so useless. like i'm just bearing witness. idk man. i'm just really sad for her.

i'm trying not to be so overly hopeful/positive with her cause i know how frustrating that can be when you don't see a way out. even though i truly believe things are falling a part so that what's for her can come through. my girl just really needs a break. a real break.

[butterscotchblues]

329.

i may have girlbossed a little too close to the sun this weekend.

first of all, i've been out every night since thursday? truly only family (including chosen) could make me do a triple night out, my god.

thursday i went to dinner and a play with my parents. which was a real sweet time. took them to my favorite halal cafe up the street from me and then went to see 'the wash' at synchronicity theater. my mom knows the playwright and i believe this was her first major production, if i'm not mistaken. her mom and mine have been friends since we were in elementary school so we've kinda grown up adjacent to one another? anyway, it was really good and i'm both proud and inspired. i keep thinking about what it took for her to get her script onto a stage and wow. being a creator is unlike anything.

that night was quaint and slow, 8/10. -2 cause i started my period and i was unprepared like fuck. i had on cream pants too, wtf was i thinking? but everything worked out. pants still intact. i'm too grown for that type of miscalculation lmao.

earlier in the week pro called me and said that she wanted to take coco to the strip club since she was going to be proposing on saturday. i agreed because, sure. when she called on friday though, we thought maybe bowling would be more coco's speed. coco loves bowling lol. so i thought that's what we had agreed on. i pull up to pro's and i'm there for like two hours before coco, her brother, and nia pop up. turns out.. we hitting the booty club. my god.

being sober in the booty club is wild as fuck. a first for me. it turned out to be a good time though, can't lie. i hadn't been since like 2018 when i used to perform at onyx on mondays. we all sat at the bar, settled in, they all pregamed before and resumed drinking once we got there. me? water on the fucking rocks. i didn't plan on doing anything forreal, i just came to support coco and be with the homies. i took out $100 and didn't even plan to spend it all. we on a budget round these parts baby.

but then i saw this one dancer LOL.

she was on the stage wearing this black fishnet bodysuit. she had a white satin bow in her head fastening a long black ponytail. she was wearing two pearl strand necklaces too. idk but the pearls really set it off for me. she looked like an amalgamation of all the brownskinned 90's sitcom actresses. i kept my eye on her for a while til coco caught on and called her over to me for a dance. this nigga lol. the dance was good. awkward because i didn't count on having a strangers bare ass in my lap when i was at work earlier that day, plus i was sober so i was just very aware of it all lol. but she was bad so i threw the money. when in rome, y'know. at one point she had her legs on my shoulders and i'm just staring into her pussy. like do i ask her name? hahaha.

when she was done, i felt bad that she had to pick up all the ones i threw so i bent down and started helping her. she thanked me and i thanked her for the dance.

the night pretty much went like that. i got a dance, coco got a few, nia and pro too. hookah and wings were bought. drinks for them. water for me.

around 2am, i'm thinking we're all on the same wave of winding down and calling an uber but no. that's when coco's other bff rolls in. and she is LIT. it's like she put a battery pack in everyones back lol cause niggas went BACK to the atm and did it all over again. we didn't leave til 4. when i tell you it took everything in me to stay awake omg. it felt like purgatory. there's only so much ass and titties i need to see before i simply don't give a fuck anymore, man.

the music was loud. the smoke was thick and cloudy. i got wing sauce on my seafoam sneakers. we stood outside for like half an hour waiting on an uber.

but coco had a good time and that's what matters. not my old cranky sober ass lmao.

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i woke up with the craziest headache man. and i still got it a whole day and a half later. and i ain't even DO NUN. sober hangovers are so dumb lol. i heard em mentioned in podcasts and was like "no way" but yea... definitely a thing.

saturday was the suprise engagement. we all got to the claremont early. the decorations were so cute. we mingled and baked in the sun while we awaited the fiance-to-be to arrive.

it all went down so beautifully. i cried as soon as she turned that corner lol.

i can't believe my friend is engaged. like i can because she's been talking about it forever but i still CAN'T believe the quiet lil 19yo i met on church street in decatur all those years ago is now ready and willing to tie the knot.

emotionalllllll. i'm so happy for her.

the night ended with everybody drunk and annoying lol so i dipped. at one point i was holding two drinks in my hand and even though i knew i wasn't going to drink them... i feel like i shouldn't be putting myself in those types of predicaments regardless. like, it just felt unnecessary and it started making me anxious.

anyway, now my sleep schedule is all fucked up. getting older is a trip lol. i'm good on socializing and staying out all night for a good minute tbh.

but aside from that, so thankful for my friends. so thankful.

if you're reading this, hey!

[butterscotchblues]

298.

four new tomatoes bud from their respective stems. the green onion begins to flower after sunday's rain. there's relief in allowing spring to do some of the work for you. I meet syd at the halal cafe and order my usual--matcha sunrise. i think of how sweet it would feel to sip at the park. the ginger tickling my throat.

yesterday, i sat knees bent and barefoot in the grass and watched the big butt bees pollinate whole worlds around my ankles. i rolled a cardamom pod between my fingers and popped it into my mouth. cracked it open with my teeth.

just 9 months ago the withdrawals wouldn't allow me this kind of calm. the hangovers, blinding. the ache, the hunger for poison driving me outside of myself. it is hard to believe how much can change in such a short time.

the feeling has returned to every part of me. and there is more to explore now. more than just pain. my body has become a deep breath. an incredible sigh.

[butterscotchblues]

295.

this planet is extraordinary.

[butterscotchblues]

291.

i started teaching one of the tea baristas at my fav cafe how to play chess recently. i go up there on wednesdays with my board and a book, order some matcha and a plate from the hot bar. and we play in between her taking tea orders.

it's very new but such a fun addition to my week. yesterday she said it's become her "favorite part of wednesday" and if i could blush i would have.

i really love meeting new people man. people are entire universes packed into 5 feet and some change of flesh. weird way to put it i guess, but true lol.

and timing is always interesting. i've been going to that cafe for a while now and had never seen her until last month. but she said she's been working there for over a year. the days i'd go and the days she worked just happened to never align until recent. that is so funny to me. cause the moment i seen her, i thought "now when'd they get a gay in here?" lmao.

anyway, life has been pretty sweet. in a radicalizing way too. like, the veil is being lifted from every direction and it's just resulted in me being hyperaware of damn near everything. how alive i am. how much power i hold. how much power WE hold. how important it is to be present. to soak up all the good. to not get swept up in the rat race. to take my time. to be intentional. to be of service to my community.

my rage is here and will not leave, but i was beginning to let it consume me and well... fuck that.

we out here. with all the love.

if you're reading, please be kind to yourself today. take some deep breaths. rattle off some things you're grateful for.

[butterscotchblues]

276.

nine month check in.

this is the first month milestone that i forgot about the day of. for some reason that feels like a bigger milestone than the actual accomplishment lol.

like oh, that happened? cool i guess.

a lot has been going on but i just wanna talk about how excited i am to be finally working on this album. it's been so fun and i'm just getting started fr. especially enjoying making it with the same homie i started with.

me and baby celebrated 1 whole year together a couple weeks ago. we went camping about two hours from nola and it was mad cute. we brought the pup, grilled burgers, and did a little exploring. we tried to go hiking but uh... i took an edible and couldn't handle it at all.

no more edibles for me--or at least not these strong ass ones she had. it's looking like raw doggin' reality is my life now.

ngl, that's pretty cool. cause i'm having a good ass time.

we've come a long way, man. gonna treat myself to a hot chai later maybe.

if you're reading this, stay blessed foo!

[butterscotchblues]

255.

there are some people i wish got this current version of me.

i know it's useless thinking, but it's true.

[butterscotchblues]

246.

8 months y'all.

yesterday me and ry did shrooms in the woods. it was so dope. that was our first time tripping together and wow wow wow.

i got to see my friend in a new light, forreal. and he was able to do the same. a whole lot of "wow, i didn't know you thought these things too" and "i didn't know you were going through that" and omg my fucking heart man. i love that guy.

a few things i'm taking away from the trip:

confrontation leads to clarity. only expend that energy on relationships you actually care about. leaving thoughts and feelings unsaid is only torturing you. be vocal. no matter what happens, at least you'll know how to move forward.

it's time to get creative. time to make room for new streams of income and abundance.

meditate meditate meditate

i will make it a priority to visit my ohio family (and find a train ride to do it cause fuck these planes)

its okay to care what the people you care about think of you. it doesn't make you insecure, obsessive, or a people pleaser. just ask.

apologize.

keep dreaming up that beautifully radical future. and have your friends dream right along with you.

perfect way to bring in the new year. i have so much gratitude right now.

a headache too. but mostly gratitude.

[butterscotchblues]

240.

11:02pm // 3.12

today felt like when you come home from school and hurry to put on your outside clothes. look out your window and see your friends comin' down the hill on bikes. clumsy knocks on your front door.

"can a**** come outside?"

that's exactly what today felt like.

[butterscotchblues]

233.

it [was] int'l writers day [when i started writing this] so here are words.

(look at this fucking tree!!!)

more tea with friends, please.

a lot of things are becoming incredibly clear these days. and for the most part, i like how i'm fashioning my life. and that i am nourishing what nourishes me [when i have the capacity]. it is becoming easier to care less about all the bullshit. like, so much easier.

i remember when miya was telling us about the time he did DMT on his couch and suddenly everything around him started to pixelate and fall away. i kinda feel like that's what's happening with a lot of us on earth right now.

it is quite a devastating time to be alive, still. but when has it not been? we've only become more conscious of the terror.

that american stink. its like a thick fucking fog, man. and you're just born into it. eating their foods, drinking their water, taking their medicine, ingesting their poison. pledging allegiance to their flag?? reading their history books. celebrating their holidays.

what a waste of time and energy and resources. what a waste.

hahaha i thought i'd have more positive things to say but maybe next time.

[butterscotchblues]

222.

been sad all week.

but today was a good day.

[butterscotchblues]

216.

seven months. we've passed the half year mark, folx!

*crowd goes wild*

sitting in bed, post-coffee. thinking about going out to the backyard to read when it warms up. if it warms up. really wanna grab tea and play some chess with a friend but idk who to hit up.

i'd honestly be down to play with a stranger, set up shop in little 5 or jayida and just see who approaches. i used to love doing that in college. met so many homies that way.

baby was in town for a little bit and we were BUSY. from seeing her friends, going to a palestine event, a photoshoot, and an aura reading... we were really moving and shaking lol. we even expanded my backyard garden. picked up some mulch from trees atlanta and planted some brussel sprouts, beets, and rosemary.

she went back home wednesday and was feeling sick by friday.

covid smh.

we literally masked all weekend except for one event (i masked, she didn't). that's literally all it takes, man.

i tested myself twice and both were negative. no symptoms either. i'm grateful but really hate that she's so sick all alone 6 hours away.

one of the worst parts about long distance without a doubt.

[butterscotchblues]

206.

met a new friend for tea and i can tell we're gonna be real cool.

you know those "matter of time" type of connections? people you run in similar circles with, have mutuals with, and share similar views with online and whatever else constitutes as familiarity these days but the timing hasn't allowed y'all to really connect yet?

so yea, we'd been having discourse on IG about the fall of capitalism and how we can play our part, finally met up in real life, and now she's helping me put together the next Soul Circle.

spirit has been tugging away about these damn soul circles and bringing people together. so we shall see.

~~~~~~~~

baby gets here on friday.

i'm so fucking excited. she planned a really cute weekend for us but i'm just ready to be together.

i like my solitude and all, but long distance is ass lol