butts

[butts]

Once upon a time in a little town there lived two night-soil men — father and son. There weren’t any sewers there, only pits full of slurry. And they scooped that shit out with a bucket and poured it into their barrel, and what’s more, the father, as the more experienced specialist, went down into the pit, and the son handed the bucket down to him from above. Then one day the son lost his grip on the bucket and dumped it back on his old man. Well, his old man wiped himself down, looked up at him, and said bitterly, ‘You’re a total screwup, a real lunkhead. No good for anything. You’ll be stuck up there your whole life.’

[butts]

A Soviet scientist came to England for a visit. On the evening of his first day in England, he went to a restaurant. A waiter approached him and said, "Sir, here is a note for you." "From whom?" "The table at the window." "But there's nobody at that table." "Right. They gave me this note and left." The note was in English. "Translate it," the guest said. The waiter read the note, his face became pale and he said, "Sir, it's an ultimatum. You have just five minutes to leave. Please, leave at once." The scientist paid hastily and left. He returned to his hotel and asked the man at the front desk to translate for him the note. The man read it, his face displayed fear, and he said, "Please, Sir, you must leave our hotel at once! Hurry, please!" The scientist hurriedly collected his belongings and left. In the street, he approached a bobby and asked to translate the note. The policeman read it, opened his mouth, and then said, "I am sorry, Sir, you must leave England immediately. Please, don't argue, you have just a few hours to leave the country." Frightened, the scientist rushed to the nearest port, purchased a ticket, and boarded a ship bound for Russia. When in the open sea, he made acquaintance with the captain who knew English. The scientist showed the note and asked to translate it. The Captain became pale. He changed the course of the ship, headed to an uninhabited island and told the scientist to leave the ship at once. On the island, the scientist encountered numerous hardships, and barely survived until, three years later, another ship came by by accident and took him aboard. He returned to Leningrad, where he enrolled in the University to study English. After a while, already capable of understanding English, he remembered about the mysterious note, and found it on the bottom of a drawer. All characters on the note turned out to be obliterated by rain.

[butts]

Ivanov applied to the Communist Party. The party committee conducts an interview. "Comrade Ivanov, do you smoke?" "Yes, I do a little." "Do you know that comrade Lenin did not smoke and advised other communists not to smoke?" "If comrade Lenin said so, I shall cease smoking." "Do you drink?" "Yes, a little." "Comrade Lenin strongly condemned drunkenness." "Then I shall cease drinking." "Comrade Ivanov, what about women?" "A little...." "Do you know that comrade Lenin strongly condemned amoral behavior?" "If comrade Lenin condemned, I shall not love them any longer." "Comrade Ivanov, will you be ready to sacrifice your life for the Party?" "Of course. Who needs such a life?"