buzzinginthedark

[buzzinginthedark]

I can't make myself care about you

This is what my cheating ex-boyfriend said to me. Sitting next to me on my porch, just far enough away not to threaten contact, my boyfriend of almost a year looked me in my eyes and told me what feels like the cruelest thing I could've conjured up in my head. “I can't MAKE myself care about you.” “I've never been able to MAKE myself care about you.”  It's hard for me to conceptualize this. At the beginning of our relationship, when I was 19, it felt like he would do anything for me. When he fell asleep holding me all night, I felt like maybe, for once, I was special, even as I kicking away those hot, suffocating feelings that always came with staying in his hot room. I remember the first night he couldn't fall asleep holding me because the heat had finally mattered more. I had lain next to him and cried as if he had slapped me right in the face. But when the weather changed and it got colder, and his bedroom window was left open, I remember a night when I woke up freezing. He had completely stolen the blanket from me and was lying on the other side of the bed. When I reached over to wake him up to ask him if i could have some of the blanket, he instead turned around and held me in his arms just as he did at the beginning. To this day, I think about that time with him. I think about the feeling of being comfortably held. I've never been cared about by this man, and yet in this moment, I think about being held on that cold night.

[buzzinginthedark]

things only get half better

You know how the response to hard times is it always gets better? Well personally i cant stand that statement. It's easy to understand that good times will roll in or that eventually something may make you smile or you may have that one really good day out with people you care about but what people fail to acknowledge is that heavy feeling after its all over with. That feeling you get when you finally get home after a long day or that deep breath after letting something make you laugh so hard it hurt. It's hard not to associate the good things that can flow into your life with that big deep breath. That breath that makes your face fall. that breath that pulls in all of those feelings and thoughts that for just a moment felt nonexistent. And when things start to get better, that big deep breath pulls in more and more until you're choking on it. Things get better until the lights go down and you've run out of distractions and then you're back to being the same person you were before and you find yourself completely out of breath this time.

[buzzinginthedark]

empty thoughts on horror books and grief

After recently getting back into reading, and by back into reading I mean finally getting myself to finish more than one book for the first time in like forever, i've drawn myself more into horror books. Typically when I would get into the longing of needing to read a book I would have this need that whatever I was reading just had to be life changing. I still kind of feel that way but i'm giving myself more leeway to find things to read that can be fun. After reading one book about witches I found myself already regretting leaning this hard into the horror genre. I love horror but I also get very sick of it when its super over the top or cheesy. I bought the book This Thing Between Us because of seeing the good reviews online and I wont lie the cool cover art pushed me enough to order it. Maybe its because I came from a poorly written book but after reading the first few pages I knew I was going to get something good. The first few pages really showed me what kind of writer this was going to be and this immediately had me hooked. While reading this book I honestly completely forgot I was even reading a horror book. I have this deep longing for the feeling of grief and I don't understand where its coming from. Ive never lost a close family member and i don't fully understand the feeling of grief but I feel this sharp connection to it. Maybe i'm just morbid to my core but sometimes I feel like grief is the closest thing to explain this wallowing feeling I get in my head. Anyway this pull toward grief is what really led me to sitting down and reading This Thing Between Us and I think it did a really good job of explaining the devastation the main character felt throughout the book. When it begins as him writing this letter to his wife you can instantly build this understanding of their dynamic with each other and the people around them. Throughout the book and toward the end of the characters life and sanity you see how everything connects to his wife and the love he has for her. Loving new things like the dog that he instantly became attached to showed how hurt he was that he couldn't share this new love with his wife. I don't know i don't really have a good way to break this book down and I definitely will be re-reading the end of this book again to have a better understanding. Im starting the book A Death In The Family and i'll see how things go from there.