byintimatedesign

[byintimatedesign]

You came to me in my dream

Sat me down

Warned me of what’s to begin

Pandora’s box in front of me on the table

Do I open it to see the betrayal ?

The evil, the pain that created this tale

You take my hand

To lead me

We come to the door

And I’m really not sure

Now I’m her

Living in a familiar world

Where things went wrong

At a time and a place I should not belong

As the scene plays out

There is no one about

To tell me it’s wrong

Or that I should get out

Every agonising moment feels so real

Like it’s happening right now

Tears rolling down my cheeks

Heart sunk to my feet

As I fall to my knees

My screams are silent

I wake breathless

Heart thumping

There in front of me

sits Pandora’s box

open

[byintimatedesign]

Choosing to be happy unsettles a lot of people. Gaining control of your life starts a hate propaganda.

We are teaching the world that everyone is an individual, do what makes you happy and be who you want to be. How can you?! When there is still so much negativity and hate for the people who choose to live life on their terms.

In finding myself I have lost a lot of people who I thought were on the same path. There are many more trying to pull me away from the very path I want to be on who will have to go too.

I am feeling better and I am doing better - if you cannot see that then you do not see me. You just notice when I am different.

[byintimatedesign]

I have a mental health disorder which makes me very aware that friendships don’t come naturally. When I meet someone new I either over share or I don’t talk at all. I get nervous and anxious that I can’t get my words out, even stutter. Sometimes trying not to be awkward can make things super awkward. Then to top it all off when I get home I over think every detail, in that moment I can literally have an arguement with myself out loud.

Everyday feels like the first day at a new school. Everyone has their social group where they fit it. If you’ve watched the original mean girls movie it’s like the scene where Janis and Damian were explaining to Katy where to sit at lunch. Although I never seem to find where I fit in. It’s like I don’t belong to a social group at all.

Don’t get me wrong - i have connected with people and friendships have formed. However these have all ended with lies, disloyalty and just pure back stabbing behaviour.

How do I stop this vicious cycle of not trusting new people to open up and make friendships but also protect myself from being hurt by a person who pretends to be a friend?

I want to be a part of everything great but at the same time protect myself from everything that is bad.

It’s exhausting, frustrating and annoying.

Honestly wish I was just normal.

[byintimatedesign]

Starting again is so difficult when you know you have put so much of your time, energy and just you in what you have to say goodbye to…

That feeling of a fresh start often is like being reborn. Except it feels like I am swaddled so tightly that I can’t breathe. In the middle of nowhere, tall trees surround me. I am all alone. As I scream in my mind, tears flood my eyes and stream down my face…

[byintimatedesign]

Today starts like any other day awaken, sleepy eyed to drive through morning traffic. Red break lights, wet tyres slowly moving splashing through puddles. Wish each other well for the day ahead. Pulling away from you watching in my rear view mirror to admire you. Switch the noise of the morning radio screaming about politics and trying to manipulate the minds of the public into believing what stories they’ve come up with to cover up real scandals. Subconsciously listening as to drown out the sub conscience thinking and then over thinking anyway. Having conversations within my mind while my physical body is auto pilot manoeuvring a car through traffic back home again. Lost in my own thoughts I drag myself back through the door and fall into the comfort of my bed. Safe, comfortable, haven - bliss!

My mind is transported to the true crime realm and I indulge myself into the mysterious stories of Kendal Ray and others. After a while I find that the surrounding mountainous duvet/pillow sink hole I’ve seemed to have created is just a way better use of my day where I don’t have to fear the world and the emotions it feels me with. I don’t want to leave.

I then start cursing at myself in my head starting a full blown argument with myself. “You could have got yourself in the shower and sorted your self out before 11 because you looked at the clock at 10:30 and thought you could have 5 more minutes to relax but we all know that you will look at the clock at 11 and then panic”

11 o’clock has rolled around and I am not dressed for work, I haven’t washed, I haven’t even contemplated actually getting out of bed.

I don’t want to go but I have to. So I drag my arse out of bed at 11:10 to at least do the bare minimum of fixing my hair into a messy bun, spray whatever odour that is, change into an acceptable outfit for work - black because my wardrobe is the colour of my soul right about now.

There are days where my morning is far more productive but they are rare - if only I were able to flip that.. more positive days than bad days.

[byintimatedesign]

How do you grieve a loss that is not gone?

I want to cry all day - when I am caught off guard and smile … I feel guilty.

I want to hold you in my arms so tight and never let go … but I feel you would just push me away

How do you grieve a loss that is not gone?

You have been the sole focus in my life - if the world was mine to give … you’d have it in a heartbeat.

The things I have done to protect you, provide for you and to physically be with you; but you can’t even give me the bare minimum of respect in return…

How do you grieve a loss that is not gone?

I feel a huge emptiness…

I feel hurt, disrespected, unheard, judged, belittled, betrayed, unloved, rejected, alone…

How do you grieve a loss that is not gone?

My feelings are justified but the response has been cruel.

[byintimatedesign]

He is the love of my life

My best friend

My soulmate

The one I can tell my dreams to

He brushes the hair out of my eyes

He surprise me when I least expect it

He’ll admire me during a movie

We scrunch up our noses at each other which is our way of saying “I love you” without saying anything

He will text/call me to see how my day is going or just because he is missing me

He’ll look into my eyes and tell me “you’re the most beautiful girl in the world”

And for the first time in my life

I believe it

<3

[byintimatedesign]

I’m feeling lost.

It’s dark, lonely and confusing.

I can’t understand why I am back here?!

I thought I was doing everything right.

Thoughts and feelings all so consuming.

Finding yourself staring into space to concentrate on a conversation you are having with yourself in your head.

Feeling lonely but not being alone.

Fearful of losing people or things in your life.

Knowing the only fix is to let go of these strong emotions.

But I don’t know how.

Taught crying is weakness.

There’s only so much you can sweep under the carpet before it all starts spilling over the edge.

I know this is all just a temporary feeling but I am exhausted.

[byintimatedesign]

“To lose balance for love; is part of living balance in life”

[byintimatedesign]

“We lose ourselves in things we love. We find ourselves there, too.”

— Kristin Martz

[byintimatedesign]

Scared of losing yourself

Being vulnerable

Is okay

As long as you are with someone

Who can walk that path with you

Alongside you

No longer will I feel unsafe

Or alone

With you

That path is brighter

And filled with opportunities

For our future

🖤

[byintimatedesign]

Maybe what I am feeling is a shift in my own balance.

I once heard “you can lose your balance to love”

So now I can focus on finding that balance and to love also

[byintimatedesign]

I feel as though I am a difficult character to learn how to understand however I’ve told you a lot about me that I didn’t even know about myself until I said it out loud including my insecurities.

However like so many you took thoughts insecurities and you dropped my heart that I asked you so carefully to care for.

In the past I’d be so quick to just cut ties and disappear but I’ve stayed and I’m still here … why?

Is it love? Or am I just waiting to see if you will stomp on my heart just like the rest?

[byintimatedesign]

I’ve never been one to be a needy character but in recent months I have found myself needing to be close to you.

I feel this sense of needing you is not from an obsessive desire but more of a revaluation of how I have been treated in the past in comparison to how you shower me in just what is needed..

..Love.

I have ever only known less than the bare minimum. Usually choosing people who would drain the energy from me. Followed by leaving me in a dark, unstable and lonely place.

Here you are teaching me the real meaning of love. Which can be scary because I am having to allow myself to be vulnerable when I am usually the kind of person to keep their walls up high and tough to get through.

Now I know how I am supposed to be loved I don’t want to lose you. So yes I may be needy from time to time but just pull me close and tell me that you love me.

[byintimatedesign]

Have you ever just lost all self control and let the music take over ..

[byintimatedesign]

Having a child can be a great blessing. It is rewarding in many ways.

What parents don’t tell you is it can make you feel so unhappy too. You can feel isolated, trapped, lonely and rejected.

Feeling as though you’ve imprisoned yourself, with a creation that is resentful to you because you’re the only one not to abandon them. Physically and mentally battered by a child.

Guilt washes over you because you shouldn’t feel this way; and as grateful as you are for this blessing sometimes you can only wonder ‘what could life have been like?’

If I make it to the age of 36, without offing myself. Don’t judge me for the way I express my freedom. It is needed to begin the life that could have been just belated.

[byintimatedesign]

To my friend

I lay here thinking of you - can you miss a person you never met? .. conversation that lasted hours, cheeky banter and sharing the tough times. Weeks. Months. Years.

It’s like opportunity has never allowed us to meet. Even though we were not far from each other.

Now there is a never ending body of water between us. Its like I can feel the distance between us.

You said “absence makes the heart grow fonder”

As much as that is true. I don’t want to wish you here but to celebrate the adventures you have ahead. I think the saying goes “if you love someone you let them go”

Here’s hoping our friendship lasts the distance and fate allows us to meet.