bytmm

[bytmm]

004

266 Days and Counting

I’ll never forget the day I was laid off: Valentine’s Day 2024. The first job I truly loved. It was the first time I felt my ideas, my talent, and my ability to tell stories were seen. After three and a half years, just like that, it was over.

As I type this, I still feel that pit in my stomach—the emptiness of the Zoom call, the dryness in my mouth, the flood of emotions: rage, sadness, confusion. It still feels fresh, and yet, time has moved on.

How do I keep going? I asked myself as days turned into weeks, then months. I picked up a few gigs—freelancing here, freelancing there. But with each unanswered email, LinkedIn message, and job application, the dread grew.

I just want to work.

Is that such an outrageous request? I want to roll up my sleeves, dive into a deck, build a strategy, or write some copy. Maybe getting into advertising was a silly idea when I was 20, but I wanted a career that felt alive.

Every day feels the same: early gym sessions, applying for jobs, trying to network, sending out more applications, emails, taking walks. Searching for joy in between. I read, I watch sports, I cook—all while watching my savings dwindle.

I look for other jobs—retail, food service, anything—but nothing comes.

With the recent election, a new dread sets in. I’m scared because I know the reality of what’s coming.

Recently, I opened up on LinkedIn, reaching out for anyone, someone, to help. I just want to work.

I want a job.

For those of you hiring, I understand you’re busy. You don’t have to respond. But if you can, please reply to emails or LinkedIn messages—even a simple “no” is better than limbo.

If you’re navigating this job market too, know you’re not alone. We’re in this together. I wish you all the best of luck as we keep going.

[bytmm]

003

Pivot.

In my favorite sport, football, a pivot is the player who is there between the defense and the midfield; the job being to distribute the ball to the midfield to whichever side (left, right or middle) they feel the opposition's defense is weak or their own team's attack is strong. The player is the initiator of the attack. Another major job for pivot is to shield the defense and stop the opposition's attacks in the midfield. In layman’s terms, they provide the balance their team needs between defense and offense.

In life, pivot, according to Merriam-Webster, is a transitive verb that means to adapt or improve by adjusting or modifying. Moving to America in August of 2001, at the time, I hated it. I was happy, comfortable and enjoying London, that's all I knew. It was the start of my pivoting. 

23 years later, I am still pivoting and finding my way. Earlier in the year, I was let go from a job; I was part of a team that shaped one of the biggest football brands in the world. It hurt badly. It still does. I am human after all. Learning everyday how to deal with it, I had to pivot. Being an immigrant and working in a country that sells the idea of the American dream is a lot tougher than you can imagine but that’s a story for another time. These experiences build a lot of character, tough skin and skills that you cannot learn in a classroom.

As my freelance contract ends, I have had to sit down with my thoughts, fears, insecurities and reality. Reentering the job market, it is scary. Going from a full time job with a semblance of security, having health and dental benefits, to freelancing, hustling, sending hundreds of job apps, texts and emails a week, it is daunting. You don’t know where the next check is coming from or where  the next opportunity will come from, it puts fear into you. Especially when you keep getting rejected for jobs, opportunities and things you believe were for you.

I have never been one to share my current state with the world, maybe it's pride or the Nigerian mentality ingrained in me. I can take on the world, I don't need help. It's why I barely use LinkedIn. However, no man is an island. We all need help, we need an olive branch. Typing this even feels uncomfortable.

But there is always beauty in the madness. I am sure there is someone reading this feeling similar, trying to find hope in a hopeless world. Hold on. Keep fighting.

If you told me at 13, I would be able to work on the brands I have worked on, with the people I have worked with, I would laugh. But that is what we call life, a journey with varying routes to a destination.

We are more than numbers, we are more than our resumes, we have our stories, our talents, our strengths balanced by our flaws, paranoias and insecurity, that is the beauty of humanity.

Progress is not linear. Rejection is not bad. Some doors are closed for reasons. That opportunity wasn’t for you. That person was there for you to grow. Sometimes you need to step backwards, sideways and not always go forward to get to where you want.

Life is about pivoting and adapting.

Here’s to finding a job/opportunity soon. 🥂

[bytmm]

002

Life is a trip.

I remember my freshman year of high school, in 2004, Athens Olympics, Michael Phelps won his first of many gold medals, Usain Bolt didn’t qualify out of the 200 meter heat, Abby Wambach and the USWNT won gold, Manu Ginóbili and Argentina won gold. Harold & Kumar went to White Castle, Crash came out, Lost premiered, Martha Stewart went to jail, Halo 2 came out, safe to say, 2004 was eventful. 20 years later, I am now called unc, because well, that’s life and that’s time. One day you’re a tiny 14 year old freshman, before you know it, you’re 34, wondering how you can get to your goals. Replaying every mistake, overthinking the simplest shit while you’re chasing, racing, fighting against an internal clock that is ticking faster than Usain Bolt, no one can see it, but you can feel it.

Excuse my tongue but social media has fucked us up. I’ve been on apps forever, AIM, MSN, Hotel Habbo, MySpace, all of it before the ones you see today. Maybe I was young and naive but these social media apps have us all fucked up, in some way or another. As the old adage goes, comparison is a thief of joy. As I scroll, I wonder am I doing this life thing right? I got laid off from a job I loved. I am freelancing, consistently looking for a new job, getting rejected; questioning my talent, questioning myself. Am I good enough? It’s easy to go on IG, Twitter, TikTok, hell even LinkedIn or whatever have you and feel you’re behind the 8 Ball. People are “winning”, their life looks cool. Working with brands you want to work with, having opportunities that you want, you wonder what have I done wrong to not be here. Do I quit? Do I keep going? Do they see the work I have put in? Millions of thoughts along these lines.

Professionally, I feel I should be further along and it’s frustrating; bouncing around from opportunity to opportunity. You begin to internalize every job rejection, you begin to believe something is wrong with you when you get laid off. You know what you are good at but it doesn’t show. Now you’re scared to apply for jobs, scared to reach out for help. Frustrated at the world and it spills to every facet of your life. Your friendships, relationships, everything is ary. How do you show your talent to the world and ask for someone, anyone, to take a chance on you. Knowing that you can do the job and you have a unique perspective. You don’t want to share with the world and now you’re here wondering what the hell is going on.

I try to give myself grace, even writing this, it feels like the ramblings of a mad man. It’s something I’ve never done, something I vowed to never do, vent and be personal on the internet. But turning 34, I felt I wanted to share something. Someone out there might read this and take inspiration, or take anything from it. As I’ve aged, I am sure of myself, sure of where I want to be and what I want to do, personally and professionally. But the demons, the demons fight harder than Buster Douglas on Feb. 11, 1990 (look it up if you don’t get it).

I’ve reflected on my last year, hell the last decade. Love lost, love gained, friends lost, friends gained, opportunities lost, opportunities gained. Life has a way of showing you that it’s how you react and bounce back. We all go through shit, the cards are stacked against some of us harder than others. I miss some friends, I am self aware to know where I fucked up and wish the best for those people.

My relationship with God is very complex but it’s funny how things get you reading the bible and reflecting on everything. I listened to “Mr. Morale & the Big Steppers”, “Count me out” had me stuck. I never felt more vulnerable, more afraid but yet so fearless. “One of these lives, I'ma make things right With the wrongs I've done, that's when I unite With the Father, Son, 'til then, I fight.” Starting a song like that, with fresh ears, I got it. Kendrick was extremely vulnerable on this album, especially on this track. “Fuck with you from, fuck with you from a distance Some put it on the Devil when they fall short I put it on my ego, lord of all lords, Sometimes I fall for her, dawg”  has been on my spirit for months.

I’ll wrap these thoughts up shortly. Give yourself grace, don’t be hard on yourself. We are not perfect, we are human. We try, everyday. We mess up things but don’t let it define you.

Try to be your best self, everyday, we will fall short. Have empathy for your fellow human, there are some dickheads but try not to be one yourself.

In my 34 years of life, I am slowly becoming happy with who I am. There’s still work to be done.

For those of you who are in my life, my friends, my associates, my family, I love you. Thank you for guiding me. Thank you for your patience.

For those who are no longer with me, I am sorry. I still love you.

I can’t please everybody.

[bytmm]

001

I’ve gotten fired before, multiple times, actually. Taught me a lot about myself. Taught me so much that I found the job I’m here to talk about.

2020 was a crazy time, COVID changed the world. That year I turned 30, spent it alone watching Man Utd play Leicester in my parents house, they won 2-0 but after the match, I knew things had to change. I couldn’t keep living the way I did.

A year later, I got THE job of a lifetime or so I thought. I got the opportunity to work in football, developing a major corporation’s voice and tone as they foraged into the crazy world of football. 3 and half years later, multi million followers later and a ton of viral moments, I’m on the outside looking in, again. I got laid off.

I love football/soccer, ask anyone who knows me, that sport means everything and then some. It’s all I’ve known aside from my family, it’s been with me since I could crawl.

I’m grateful for my previous employer. They gave me a look into something I never thought of doing but something I should’ve done in middle school, take steps to work in football.

Getting laid off, let’s go there. I’ll never forget February 13, 2024. Day before Valentine’s Day, I felt like Ralph Wigum when Lisa broke his heart. I knew something was off that day and getting that zoom invite that I was part of “budget cuts,” yeah that hurt.

My mind replays it daily, I constantly think what could I have done to keep my job, was I that bad, did I deserve it? Then the negativity starts to take over like Venom’s mask. 

This isn’t something that I ever thought I’d share. Just thoughts to myself and my friends. Throughout these few years, I’ve alienated and lost a few great ones partly because of my lack of communication, my ego, and my inability to express myself. I’m sorry to everyone and anyone who I have hurt in these last 4 years, I can only ask for forgiveness and try to be better than yesterday.

That’s neither here nor there. Getting laid off sucks. It comes in waves, 4 months in and I’m still reeling.

Applying for this job, that job, taking this project, that project and you’re still treading water. Barely surviving.

You try to network, you try to ask for help, you try to pray but nothing changes… in fact things are getting worse.

What does one do when you’ve reached your wits end? You don’t come from money but you need it, badly. 

I only wrote this because someone else might be going through something similar, on your 300th job app, your 1000th resume review, another cover letter, another recruiter ghosting, another LinkedIn message ignored.

I get it. Everyone has their own shit, you don’t want to burden anyone so you just stay silent.

I get it. I live it.

No words can ease the pain, stress and downright embarrassment of joblessness, despite all of your efforts to try and find work, find community, there's nothing and it sucks.

All I can say is, keep fighting. One footstep at a time, babies learn to walk by falling and hurting themselves. Keep trying to walk despite the pain.

I don’t know what the future holds for me, I want to work in football, I want to tell stories that matter for the liblack boys and girls who love football. I want to speak to and for a community that doesn’t see themselves in spaces other than the pitch.

Being a creative person is a gift and oftentimes it feels more like a curse. Maybe I should have gone to law school, maybe I should’ve studied tech and learned to code. Might’ve been miserable but at least the bills would’ve been paid.

I say this with love, whoever reads this, thank you for your time and reading my thoughts.

I wish the best for you and yours.

Keep fighting and chasing your dreams. ❤️