everyday efforts at making small things live longer in memory
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To begin with I'm a piece of shit
Idk if you'll ever be able to put yourself in the position of ever forgiving me. I cant ever forgive myself and it's ok. I have to live with it and I totally totally deserve this at the very least.
However I'm selfish and dumb enough to ask you for it (forgiveness).
Everytime I see its like I see lucciole for the first time.
Before this thing I thought the only thing I despise about myself is my appearance but now I know my inside is not in an any better position
However you also ignored my right to be upset and impacted by this too. U legit made fun of me for having inconsistent emotions. Its like you expect me to be perfect in dealing with this. Never saying the wrong thing, never expressing emotions that do you dont like. Even regarding the apology, Idk why u think its so easy for me to apologize to u for this thing, if you think it's as easy as "I'm so sorry" I think I did that several times. I even did that on the same day. I did that multiple times in the chat. My way of facing this thing was to first espress my regret and sense of guilt. Definitely hearing how somebody prefers to hurt themselves than to live knowing that they've hurt you, would sound more convincing as to just drop a "I'm so sorry". Like anyone else can do. Saying sorry just to feel released from the responsibility of having hurt somebody else. I didnt want that. Because of course I do not see it that easy, and I think choosing to bear the responsibility instead of forcing yourself to be free from it is also a from of apology and dealing with the consequences.
Anyway you were not taking that either. You did not validate my regret, my sense of shame and guilt. Then how would u expect me to think you would accept an apology? Expressing how I prefer to kill myself because I cant live with what I've done to you, does not seem apologetic? Does not show how much embarrassment and regret i feel? Does not show how much I wish I could take it back? Or how much it is breaking also me knowing that I've hurt you? But instead it seems straight like manipulation? I'm sorry if it made you feel manipulated, that was never my intention. I just didnt know what to do and I really felt decisive about hurting myself irreversibly because that was how much I felt like I need a punishment. A punishment that will erase me from your life forever. A punishment that makes me wanna choose to hurt everyone else in my life by dying, knowing that I've hurt you and I cant take it back.
You told me "all your texts were about you". Because I was trying to espress my apology in any way that I knew and I felt totally helpless in doing so. You were right. I didn't give you space. The day you told me to go to therapy because I need it was the day I marked a day in 2 months later from then on my calendar. I decided to give "myself" 2 months of time in order to deal with what I've done and also deal with not knowing what it's done to you, cuz u weren't expressing anything. It was the same night I saw your text to leone. I was panicking because of what you said "ho chiuso l'amicizia". That was news for me, as you had already said you need time. But if you had already made up your mind, I couldn't stay silent as I thought the more I wait the more I act "ok and agreeable" with you decision for ending any connection with me, the more you would get decisive in time to actually doing it, seeing that I have not reacted or objected to it anyhow. I just couldn't stay silent. I told you already I would fight to keep you.
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In this little secret chamber of mine I share all the ways this thing could go even more wrong from now on, I hope I'll be prepared when the time comes:
1. You blocking and unfollowing me everywhere
2. Choosing to never talk to me ever again by just ghosting
3. Saying you can never forgive me and that I deserve to suffer your loss my whole life
4. Laughing at me and making fun of my suffering and saying that I have no right to feel what I'm feeling and that asking for forgiveness is out of the question for us
5. Telling leone everything ....
I swear I'm never texting you again, unless you make me. And God I beg you to not let him do anything stupid.....idk who he's become and I don't trust him anymore. He can fully torment and manipulate me into feeling even more miserable and guilty and ruined and I'm not sure if he does not enjoy seeing me lose it all because of it.
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This is 50 50 it's not all on me
I was already on the boundary and I was expecting you to stop me if u felt like I could sooner or later trigger something. The only thing i observed was you enjoying whatever I was doing. And therefore I did not stop.
Also you're so also manipulating me. You're not even allowing me to feel hurt as well. You're taking away my right to be hurt.
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The morning after I recall
Every frame so stubbornly quiet and still
Every frame so devoid of life
Like getting my hands on a forbidden camera
One I was not supposed to find
As there is truly no more life to live
No more air to feed my lungs
No more blood to make my cheeks blush when I see your face
No more hope to ever feel the euphoria of touching your sweet skin
Once you hurt somebody
Somebody so close to your soul
So dear so vital like the air you can't live without
So strong and yet so fragile because of love
I wish I could break away my own teeth
My jaw
My face
My will
My any trace at all
As that way you'd be safe from my fucking evil
That's what I truly want
No me in your conscious
The damage is done and I'm forever this reckless monster
So selfish so in vain
cant change my ugly face
Gotta find a way to accept the pain
The pain of having hurt the one I loved the most
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The more I remember us
The more I make peace
We were too good to last
It was too euphoric
Too authentic and selfless
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I told him you make my brain unblock my childhood memories that I thought I'd lost forever
I read him my poem
He told yesterday that he doesnt want me gone
That he wants me to there with him
He told me at midnight to go sleep with him
And in the morning he woke up and wanted me gone
He wanted me gone aka kicked me out of his house
He kicked me out of his house
He gave me no explanation
He just wanted me out of his house
And I poured my heart out for him
And now my body aches
He wanted me gone
When I thought he wanted me the most
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Oh fuck I have to shit
Meanwhile in the table next to us:
"I only have salmone e cotto"
"Tonno"
(Shawn bestemmia)
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Shes good, shes a woman but shes good
I didnt like him he was hard to kill
He's Paul's guy
Who
Paul
Chi
Paul saulman
Chi
The lawyer
...
Chi
Saul' Goodman?
AH SI
Ma amo what's wrong with u
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Shawn: aaaaaaahhhhh sto sbor4qndo
Oo fuxk i know that guy over the table.
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SALUTE SIGNORA
Grazie mille
La primavera...le polvere
L'allergia si
L'allergia l'allergia
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Fra ti sto sotto come un treno
Last night I had a dream, I saw u naked
Updaye: hate me but I saw his upper body half naked yesterday through the door key hole
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Che buon profumo di cibo
Cosi mi piace
Adesso manca solo la violenza
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People in iran put ketchup on macaroni bolognese
Shawn: u know that if u take a huge and sharp knife and stab me it would hurt less
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Some people need to be fucked or fuck (in order for their anger to go away in order for them to become actually chill and relax and not always ready to tear some other human being open just becuae they merely exist in the society)
But now I see it clearly does not hold for you
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