c4s5

[c4s5]

I wanted to see u again. I almost did it too. Dex stopped me. I dont know why. Why did he do that? He should be mad! I killed you. I deserve to die because I fucking killed you! I don't deserve life. I don't deserve much. I don't want to be here anymore. I dont even WANT to be here anymore. Its my choice I shouldn't have to. I don't get why he's not mad at me for killing you? I killee his best fucking friend for fuck sakes? Instead he just... he raised his voice but didn't yell, shook me a bit and gave me what must have been the longest hug of my life. I don't know though. I kinda... left? I wasn't there for it. I was just numb. It could have been hours... or it could have been seconds. Guess I'll never know.

Anywhore suicide attempt number 5 failed. Why am I so fucking bad at this shit?

This fucking sucks J. I really don't want to be alive anymore

Love you always

- Cassiopeia

xxx

[c4s5]

I killed them.

Made jt hurt too. Theyre going to have to go off of dental records. There's nothing left of them... I'll always be the one who killed and tortured our parents. I can't take that back. Why do I feel so shit? This is what I wanted. This is all I've wanted for a very long time. What's wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? They must have really fucked something up deep inside of me to be acting like this. I should be happy for fuck sakes.

You know the worst part?

They looked so dammed proud while I held the knife. Like I was finally doing everything they wanted of me. Finally became the ruthless, unfeeling, cold bitch they wanted.

Anyway you don't want to hear me moan about my problems. I mean, I'm the one that killed you for fuck sake.

Their funeral is set for a week. Bat said he'd come with me. Same as he did for yours. But I said I'm not going.

I need to pack after all.

I knew when I did it that the inheritance and shit wouldn't go through till i was 18. I'm going to have to be homeless for a while I guess. Don't ever tell Bat that though. He'd have my head for it. I told him I'd be safe after I did it. I'm going to have to make it look like I didn't know that was going to be what happened. Escape early and all that shit.

Why am I telling you to not tell Bat? You're dead for fuck sake!

And it's my fucking fault.

I killed my older brother

Anywhore you REALLY don't want to have to listen to my problems. So I'm going to sign off now.

Why am I talking like you're here? You're dead!

Anyhoe...

I love you so fucking much and I'm so fucking sorry I killed you

Love you always

- Cassiopeia

xxx

[c4s5]

Well your funeral was shit. Mother and father used it to 'network' as if it wasn't your fucking funeral. And people kept on coming up to me and 'apologising for my loss? As if them apologising could bring you back. As if it wasn't my fault. I'm so fucking sorry J. This is all my fault. I should never have done half the shitz I did. I was such a shitty younger sister. I put ALL my problems on you and just... expected you to deal with it? No fucking wonder you're dead. I would have been there though. I'd have listened to your problems too. No questions asked. But you never gave me the chance to prove that. I really hope its not because you were too proud. Because if you died because you were too fucking proud to talk to me I'd kill you again.

Id rather know than not.

Anyway I'm so fucking grateful to Bat right now for helping me so much. I shouldn't be though. I don't deserve it.

I fucking killed you.

Oh also mother and father are dead. Or they will be very verty fucking soon. I'm going to kill them. Ther were smiling at your fucking funeral. They made fucking jokes about your death. They were fucking happy you fucking died. I'm so fucking pissed right now.

Shit might be hard for a while now. I don't know how the fuck I'm going to do this. I'll probably end up on the streets.

It's okay I know what to do and shit like that.

I love you and I'm sorry i killed you

- Cassiopeia

xxx

[c4s5]

So uhh...

Not really sure how to do this to be honest.

So

You died yesterday. That happened I guess. I...

Im so fucking sorry I made you kill yourself. Dex is inconsolable. Hes crying and drinking and high all day. Lyra and Steph left. Theyre not here anymore. They said they couldnt do it and that they needed to get away and that theyre not coming back. Ever. Theyre far far away. Bat... hes more closed off. Mother and father say its my fault. So did lyra and steph to be honest. That I killed you. They beat me for it. I believe them. Im sorry I killed you. And I know its completely unfair of me to say this but I'm so fucking sad and I think would kill myself too if it weren't for the fact that dex needs me to make sure he doesn't abuse HIMSELF to death. Bat needs me too. To make sure he doesnt just give up on himself and call himself irredeemable.

It's so horrible of me to say this but I feel so alone. I need people but the only people I know are also grieving you. I dont know what to do by myself. Although I'm quite certain mother and father won't live for much longer.

I'm sorry I'm going to disappoint you by killing them. I know you never wanted that life for me.

But youre not here to say that anymore.

So im going to do it and im going to make it HURT.

And I'm sorry I'm wasting your death to do it too. I read the letter this morning. You did it for me?

Why? I don't deserve for you to have done that for me.

Anywhore you don't want to listen to me yap about my sob story of a life so I think I'll sign of here

love you

- Cassiopeia

xxx