cabbitthoughts - Tumblr blog

[cabbitthoughts]

Reading between the lines...

So i started reading a webcomic that i came across randomly about a week ago. The artist was posting artwork and a story about being homeless and the trials challenges that they faced related to that (i'll include the links at the end of all of this). But from there i decided to check out some of their other works. As it turns out they wrote a really great and amazing story using some unique characters they created. It was designed to be a split off from their main story of several years it seemed... but it was something that i really found myself liking and attached to. The story was cute and very meaningful and all around an amazing work. I saw that they had been continuing to work on this piece to an almost current date as they went into a 2nd chapter! I was quite excited about this and then I started to read their other stories... Now i wouldn't say that this is where the trouble began but i tried to read the story from a part where i was interested and go forward... which I couldn't find a good part and eventually decided to go back and start from the beginning... This comic started sometime in 2004? I think so their was well over 2K pages to read! I was excited and started getting really into it. Sadly reading a work that goes from cool and interesting into something serious and dark/depressing while i myself was not and have no been in a stable mind... lets just say that this was not the best idea... at all. So inevitably I have RL situations going on that are stressing me out and making all sorts of things flare up in my head before/during/after reading this... One night i stayed up until 3am reading this another night nearly 5 am... im not sleeping right and im stressed about work (amoungst other personal family matters)... WELL Wouldn't you know that i reach the part of the story where things start to get sad/depressing right around alot of concerning family issues start happening? And it sucks! So over the next few days i start to just completely envelop myself in the story and everything else just starts to suffer... However then i have a stressful night at work... and now im having problems just holding myself together at times. I feel issues like these are kinda what lead to my last job problems and thats not giving me help or confidence in my current situation. Well right now Im just trying to put something down here. I think that just getting things down, not that i look back at it really, but it gives me the chance kinda just "get it out"... While im sure i have people to talk to about these matters... Its not easy to want to bring these up to people. I mean seriously who "wants" to open themselves up to their most vulnerable state to someone else... Ive also been feeling like i need to get away from my current living situation... Its just not making me happy. I cant keep staying around my family, its not easy to be around them. Its like living with people that want everything that you hate and that hate everything that you believe in. I cant be me or anything like that. I cant even "discuss" things because there's no "discussions" with people that cant understand things because they can only see things from their own view point... Also as im the now "most successful" child I've gotta deal with that... i mean hell my POOL rate before going to regular part time with the nursing home was only $5 less then my mom was making roughly... and she's been doing what im starting to do now, for about 30 years or so? So im sure they have issues with ... Im living here, not paying much or anything to be here... and I don't wanna be here, but I don't have the confidence or money to leave... (this all comes back to my connecting with some of the characters from the stories in a way)... Im basically stuck in a fucked up situation where I don't want to care, because I "know" (assumption based on beliefs) how things with my family will turn out when i leave... but I find myself unable to not care... My family (parents) put themselves in less then ideal situations partly due to their own lack of understanding - but also so that I could have opportunities that i did and get me where i am now. Right now I just wanna get something to help myself think straight, get my confidence in myself and what i do back... and just move the fuck on with my life. Ive lived nearly over a quarter century and almost none of it was on my own terms in my own place with the people I want to be with. I know that this is long and I don't really expect anyone to read it... It just helps to get it out... If your interested in what i was reading... check out www.theduckwebcomics.com/user/rmccool The comics in my suggested order of looking at are: 1. How to be homeless (its real and its hard to believe but its done in a lighthearted way) 2. Habibahs Song - while technically the "last" or furthest in the future setting of the rest of their comics the first story arc gives nice intro to everything characters and its nice. The 2nd arc is imcomplete but you can always read that too. 3. Now... Life with dragons LEADS INTO public humiliation... which is kinda off cause it was never finished but it shorter and quicker to look at so worth a shot... IF NOT then READ public humiliation... Just be warned you'll know when it starts to turn dark... If you manage to get to the "end" of that read that and "even more public humiliation" as they sort of parallel but their all amazing works... I really wanna get more attention to this artist and support their works! I'd love for them to be able to pages for all their comics every week (or more) but also it would be even better for the artist to be a in better safer and more secured situation and that will allow them to do more with their comics/works. Well thats all i have for now on this account.. I'll get back to my current messed up mental state (which as bad as it is, its nothing like what their dealing with... and yet still its one of those things that doesn't help really cause I need to change me before i can really do much to change / help anyone else... though i will admit I am currently supporting their patreon ( www.patreon.com/Jrileymc ) because I read ALL of their works and I want to see them do more and by supporting them now i can support both their situation and their works. So while I don't normally do this... I would seriously have bought their comic in printed forms of whatnot to support them. All in all i hope your nights better then mine...

[cabbitthoughts]

> < it doesn't wanna let me create another acct right now

Hmmm i cant seem to create an additional account/journal right now ~.~ damnit stupid program... I might have to store things somewhere else for a temporary time ... blah

[cabbitthoughts]

I think this is the right acct?

So in light of “recent” events and how ive been handling things, ive decided that now is probably a good time to try and work on keeping a new mental health journal. Im not looking for a solution and im not posting everything here but instead a separate “private” journal on here (tumblr) cause it seems to be a good resource place to do this. I’ll prolly try and give the highlights here since I don’t know if i plan on sharing the other journal or not More or less for several weeks and what im beginning to believe was partly to blame are my leaving the hospital job… But it seems that recently things have gotten alot worse then when they started a while ago. I’ll either make a 2nd post or come back… Not really sure what else i wanna post about all that on here… I’ll come back Trying to do this via ipad (basically mobile) isn't easy... but it was easier then having to move to my computer right now >

[cabbitthoughts]

Late night annoyances

How does one exactly get to the point where you feel that your becoming something that you don’t even like yourself? It just seems counter intuitive, that if you really dislike something that you’d become that exactly. This isn’t a reflection on the people I know or my family but more so on myself. People used to consider me reliable, friendly, happy, easy going and a source of inspiration… This was what I heard from my clinical classmates in my most recent semesters. My instructors thought of me as dedicated and professional, I mean hell I even got an award at our pinning / graduation for it! But now I find myself constantly frustrated, unhappy, on edge and angry all the time. I try to avoid people because I don’t want to take it out on them. Every little issue is treated as the biggest problem I’ve had… I’m just not sure when I became this person…. I’m having problems having the confidence to even move forward in my life with my job when I’m done school doubting what I just spent over 4 years preparing to do… It makes no sense. And on that same front I really feel like I have no idea or control where my life is going. I know a lot of people think I’m doing really well and are excited for me… But I feel I’ve fallen so far behind everyone else in life, still living at home trying to finish school and not working… Some life I have… It wasn’t like I’m younger or was too in my class, I did well but not THAT well. I can’t even get comfortable & tired to lay down when I need to at night… I just don’t get it. No know i have problems but hell if they’ll be addressed before I can figure out what the next assignment is due, or do a favor for someone else, or even figure out something about my own life goals and plans for a minute… My home situation is becoming increasingly frustrating too but that’s for another time I suppose. Not sure where I’m gonna end up with my family but at this point it may become either a battle or walking away… Guess they can trade me for my younger brothers emotionally-abused by her parents girl friend, since she’s looking for a way out from her family…. And he’s the new one in the family doing everything right. They worry about me but I haven’t done drugs or shit like that. Whatever…. Older brothers gonn be here for life prolly, he and his GF are a mess and lack basic motive to move forward… It’s really sad I kinda feel bad for my folks almost, what a fucked up family….

[cabbitthoughts]

I, You, & We

This is sort of a convoluted thought right here as it applies to everyone really...  My thoughts on myself, another person and our connection or relation to each other.  The more I look at myself and others, I realize that I am and have been growing apart from everyone.  I couldn’t say for certain what the underlying feeling originates from, but what I can say is that I feel that I’ve left a ever growing gap form between myself and others and I’ve made no efforts myself to bridge this gap.  I know I’ve been busy with school, & despite what others may have done for schooling, nothing else compares... not physically, mentally or emotionally unless you’ve done something similar....  All in all my concerns currently are that i feel that even though I’m not directly involved in the lives of others, I feel that their lives are affecting me & I need to decide what and how to handle that. It’s not that I do not wish vest myself in others, its just that I have a hard time justifying who, how and when.  I guess in time we’ll see how things go, I’d hate to return to the person that I was after doing what I did to become the person I liked, only to end up once again becoming a person that I don’t care for just in a different way.  I guess time will tell & I’ll have to start deciding who and where to focus my limited energy towards, and defining whats most important to me and what I’m going to fight for and what I won’t...

[cabbitthoughts]

Reflection

Is it odd that the next time I come here to post a thought, my current thought is my last thought... just months apart?  I guess this means that, this is really something that is weighing on me and that i need to address...

[cabbitthoughts]

what do i bring...?

So this is really a question of why people are friends with each other... What exactly am i bringing to the table of friendships/relationships that would make others want to be around me?  I feel so fake towards everyone, putting on different faces for different people and i see my “friends” do this all the time to different people too and it only makes me question myself about do people do this to “my friends” when im not around?  Do “my friends” do it about me?  I’ve always felt that i’ve never really disliked or avoided anyone & if i did i made my feelings clear to them about such... but why do i feel that so many people are just so “two-faced“ about who their friends with and who their simply “friendly” towards ... ?

[cabbitthoughts]

Be proud of who you are

If you can’t be proud of who you ARE today, do something today to be proud of who you WILL become tomorrow.

[cabbitthoughts]

time well spent

The only time now well spent, is the time spent worrying about what you are (not) spending your time doing.  Life is too short to not enjoy each moment as it comes, take advantage of every second (as there are no “second chances”) as every one of those seconds, happens only once in a lifetime.

[cabbitthoughts]

Short collection from past week

What good is it to have people willing to help you, if your unable to reach out for help when you need it (the most)?

Live life according to the belief that, “If I were to die today, I would (/could) without regret

Isn’t it unfair that a lot of what I wish to do for any reason would be considered more “acceptable” if i wasn’t a male? Despite my intentions or methods, this is just how society is, is it?

- This in particular is in reference to how I wanted to fursuit at the hotel for Easter, but kept having seconds thoughts on how to address this to the hotel.  Eventually I came to the realization / conclusion that if a female friend of mine was here (and they’d be willing to do this I bet!) That if we had both asked independently or I had asked with them (depsite them not being a bunny) their would have been many less issues that i had felt would have been raised....