cadenceofsolace-blog

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lost and insecure

     Adolescence is a stage of development where in drastic physical changes occur. For most girls, the beginning of the growth spurt begins at 9. When I was about that age my physical built was fairly average, not too tall, and not too short. I was also too thin and was struggling to gain weight.  But during my early adolescence I was not that conscious about my looks and what people think about me didn’t really bother me, maybe at first but I eventually forget about it.         Physical changes could be traced right during infancy until childhood but major changes occurred after I’ve gotten my period at 13 years old. By that time, most of my girl peers already had theirs so I was kind of a late bloomer. After my menarche, more evident changes occurred and I remember during family gatherings, my relatives would say “dalaga ka na” and even noticed that I was almost as tall as my older sister who is 6 years older than me. Since then I become more self-conscious and started to care more about my looks and I even take a longer time to doll-up. My peers were also so preoccupied with their looks so I also got influenced by them on buying facial products and trying out different hairstyles that would make you look “attractive”.     As I got older I become more self- conscious about my looks and started developing an ideal self-image that is the thinner you are the better. Most girls probably got this notion from today’s pop-culture and they look up to these skinny models thus they became their definition of beauty, and I hate to admit that I’m one of those girls.  This unhealthy ideal body-image involves having an evident collarbone and a “thigh gap”, it could be an influenced from the media since not only their role models have these but also the media glamorize this idea that is why people (including me) would consider it as their ideal image. Clearly our culture and the media plays a vital role in influencing people especially the teens and it could have a huge impact not on just their self-image but could lead to unhealthy lifestyle as well. As much as I try, I’m currently struggling on working my self-image. I get so insecure with my weight that I have gotten to develop an unhealthy lifestyle. To the point where in I had to decrease my normal diet and would only go for vegetables and refuse to eat meat and try out various sports and exercises that would help me lose weight. I have to say that despite of the media’s negative influence, it also has its advantages, for an instance, in today’s culture they are encouraging people to accept what they are and that it is okay to be different although that notion is more prominent in the Western culture.  

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upper pic: 16 years old. lower pic: 13 years old

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upper pic: 13 years old. lower pic: 17 years old

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That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight

Just like most teens, I became more self-conscious towards late adolescence. It was not just about having this screwed-up body-image but also the desire to please everyone. Sometimes I get so insecure that it feels like one small thing or change, people would immediately notice it. For an instance, whenever I get a haircut, I would think that people would immediately notice it or even that time when I got eye lash extension, I was so self- conscious that whenever I walk, I would think or assume that people would notice that small change when in fact it was not really a big deal and that only few people really noticed it. Or when I speak in front it felt like all eyes are on me and I got so worried that if I say something wrong, people would judge me immediately. According to David Elkind, this concept is called imaginary audience. It seems like all my actions were being watched by everyone and that the world only views my perspective. This is very common to adolescents but as we get older we will realize that the world does not revolve around us and all our actions were not being watched by everyone. 

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“The body is limited in ways that the mind is not. But there is no limit to the amount of growth and development that the mind can sustain. The mind does not stop growing at any particular age.”  - Mortimer J. Adler

 In all stages of development, everyone is faced with problems and decisions with varying degrees. Somehow as we get older, the decisions that we have to make gets bigger and these decisions could have a huge impact in our lives and its repercussions could be life-changing. During adolescence there is an improvement in our critical thinking, decision making and reasoning. The biggest decision that I have probably made so far is when I choose what college to attend to and what course to take.  I graduated high school at the age of 17. By that time I was still trying to figure out what course do I really want to pursue and was worried about not making the right decision. I remember thinking “what if I choose the wrong course? or “what if at the middle of my college year I realize that this course is not for me” . I was not sure what I want but eventually after 2nd term of my 1st year in college, I have realized that I was in a wrong course so I shifted to BS-Psychology. I could say that after I graduated high school I was not yet ready and was still in the process of figuring what I want. And during my stay in college I have learned so much and experience many things. So the reason that I was indecisive is due to my lack of experience and readiness. Personally I approve of the k to 12 program since graduating high school students would have more time to decide on what career path to take and are mature enough to handle pressure. Furthermore, by the time that they are already in college they are more prepared and there is a less chance that they would shift to another course since they already figure out what they want.     My classes helped me think outside the box and since my brain is all worked up with all my school works and classes, it probably enhanced my mental and critical thinking skills. I also learn how to manage my time and learn how to balance my studies, family and friends. For dealing with my school works, I began to strategize and learn studying techniques, Perhaps it could be signs of cognitive development. I have realized as well that my classes are harder than my classes in high school, and I even think that if I were to take these classes three years ago, I do not think I would be able to handle the stress and pressure.

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Who I am, who I'm not, and who I wanna be

    Just like most teens, I’m still in the process of building my identity. I try to explore and learn things about myself and things that make me happy. I tried various activities and even engage to sports, but I never stay committed to any of it. I realize that maybe I am just n outgoing person and love to enjoy and learn new things but never get committed to it. My personality is probably the only thing that is constant. But even if you ask me what my personality is or what my characteristics are, I would find it hard to answer because some of my traits are like paradox. For an instance, I like being surrounded by people, but some days I push them away or I could be both optimistic and pessimistic. I think it really depends on my condition and the situation that I am in. Often times, I find it hard to express what I feel and so I bottle these emotions up. I feel like I think too much and worry on irrelevant things so I end up conforming to norms and I guess that prevents me from finding my identity.  That oppose to my ideal self-image which is to be a happy-go-lucky or be like one of those mysterious but fun girls in john green’s books. I don’t consider myself experiencing an identity crisis, it is just that I am still in the process of exploring and building my identity.

      My family, friends, school and experiences have helped me shaped my personality. The important people in my life especially my family have influenced my personality and decisions. I grow up with a big family and I realize that our traits and even our personalities are quite similar. We enjoy the same things and understand each other that are probably why our bond is tight. But misunderstandings are always inevitable, so when I get into fights with my siblings, I would often seek the company and comfort of my friends since they always understand what I have been going through. Growing up with a big family has helped me deal with other people with different personalities. And since I am used to being with people (my family) with different personalities, I know how to interact with other people and know their limits.

    Building an identity is probably one of the turning points of my adolescent years. It is about finding and knowing yourself in a deeper level and is so hard that most people would even go through identity crisis. All throughout my adolescent years I have been struggling to build my own identity, but when I enter college, I have realized that i did not have to build my identity, because I already have one, all I have to do is to recognize it.  That is the hard part since it is like I have to dig up my core and find my strengths and weakness, passions, interests, values, and sense of direction. That’s actually what I am trying to figure out, so knowing those things would help me make decisions for future. Since I am in the process of self-exploration I fall under the Marcia’s concept of identity status, identity moratorium. So currently I’m still exploring various things but I haven’t chosen what path to take yet or have not committed to any of it.

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Trace the moment, fall forever.

  Since I was a kid, I usually prefer a small group of friends and stay low-profile. It is only in college that I had a huge group of friends. Though I believe it does not matter how many friends you have, but how loyal they are to you. Loyal in a way that no matter what happens, they’ll stick around. I would rather have small group of friends that would always have my back than to be in a huge crowd that would only be there during “fun times” and disappear when you need them the most. Although my friends and I have different personalities, we always share a common ground. We enjoy the same things, like the same bands, or even stress on the same things. We understand each other in a way that no one else can, after all I’m the one who picked them and as the saying goes “Friends are chosen family”.

    Just like most teens, I have fair share of heartbreaks, or be the one who breaks. I have never been in a relationship before, and it always stops before it gets serious. I once had a “thing” with a block mate before but it did not even last, I guess what we had was just an attraction, sure we talk but we never get to know each other on a deeper level. I might only enjoy his company because it seems fun at that time and I was stressing too much on my studies, so being with him lessen it. And because I think I read too much books, I have unrealistic standards. I could not help but compare these guys to the fictional ones that I am reading. To be honest I do not see myself being in a relationship at the time being, knowing that being committed with someone could be very stressful and I have got more important things to worry and stress about. I also have my family and friends when I need comfort and reassurance. I think it’s a good thing to be in a relationship when you are ready to make commitments, in this way you would not have to deal with so much stress.

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There’s nothing you and I won’t do

Growing up with strict parents, I have always been that girl who follow rules and conform to norms. Given that I’m the youngest of my five siblings, my parents are over-protective and would set strict ground rules especially compared to my friends’.  If I am not bounded by my parents’ rules I would love to do adrenaline-rushing activities like cliff diving, water rafting, sky diving or mountain climbing but whenever I talk to my mom about it she would say no and tell me it is too dangerous and all and like a good daughter that I am, I obey her. When I was in high school, my parents would not even let me swim with my classmates and when I would hang out in my friend’s house, she would get all the contact details of my friends and their addresses.  But as I get older, they are also becoming more lenient and I even got surprised when they allowed me to travel Palawan with my friends (with parental supervision of course). I guess they already trust me and expect me to be responsible with my actions. So if I’m to do “extreme activities” I have to make sure that my parents approved.

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Shots from Palawan adventure

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Future is wide open

Now that I am nineteen years old and my adolescent years are about to be over, I can say that i am ready for whatever life throws at me and am ready to take a step to the next chapter. In my adolescent years, I have come to recognize my abilities, passion, values, strengths and weakness, and by knowing these things and together with the experiences that I had, these will help me surmount the challenges that awaits me in the next chapter of my life.