caesarsantithesis-blog

[caesarsantithesis-blog]

You're not surprised when Fef walks into the shop; she always gets her morning cappuccino at about this time, but you are always sort of in awe of her anyway. She's the light of your terrible coffee slave work days. It's worth it, at the very least, to see her smiling face every morning.

Even if she doesn't know who you are. You're ashamed of it, but you're not brave enough to tell her that Dan the coffee shop guy that reminds her of an old friend isn't a human after all.

"good mornin feferi" you say to her with a little smile when she comes up the the counter, running her card and starting to fix her usual order, taking care not to use the shortened version of her name you prefer. "you look lovvely an wwhat are you up to this mornin"

You'll tell her one day, you always assure yourself when she walks through that door, but you never have the nerve, and today drowning weighs heavily on your mind. There's always tomorrow.

{ You always stop in at the coffee shop around ten in the morning, just after most people have finished heading to work. The same guy appears to be working the counter like always, and you’re relieved. You were so excited to get to see him, and if he didn’t end up being there you probably would have - well, you probably would have still ordered your morning cappuccino but you’d have left a little bit disappointed. Fortunately, the same blonde is at the counter, by the register. You smile at him and bounce a little on your heels as you make your way to the counter. Your spirograph necklace, giving you the unfortunate appearance of a human, hangs plainly around your neck.

“Good moorning, Dan! It’s nice to sea you. T)(e usual please,” you order as you fish around in your oversized purse. You pull out your wallet and place your credit card down. You don’t give him the thing you have waiting, just yet. You’d a little embarrassed about asking this stranger to be your friend. Hopefully he’ll say yes. The two of you talk every time you come into the store, but you haven’t exactly had the best of luck with human friends. }

[caesarsantithesis-blog]

not really actually

its ok

you can just be you

Wait, wait~

Is t)(is better?~

Blu)( blu)( I’m super duper searious!!!

Respect me or I’ll cull you!

I’m super mean to yellowbloods!

(Am I doing it rig)(t?)~

(Am I fitting your expectations betta)~

[caesarsantithesis-blog]

this just doesnt seem right

you i mean

not like ive talked to a bunch a empresses or anythin its not like that

somethin just seems kind a

off

38O

Somefin wrong?~

W)(at are you referring to, my dearest little guppy?~

[caesarsantithesis-blog]

i guess so

enjoy your stay followwing me then

dont expect too much out a me though

honestly im just really surprised any fef is talkin to me

I w)(ale be t)(e judge of t)(at! 3>8)

And w)(y s)(ouldn’t it be a secret?

Secrets are fiiiiin to )(ave!!

[caesarsantithesis-blog]

i uh

not too good actually

theres uh

theres somethin wwrong here isnt there

)(ello t)(ere, sweetfins!~

T)(anks for following me back~

)(ow are you doing?~

[caesarsantithesis-blog]

wwhat

wwhys it a secret

i promise im not a interestin blogger

T)(at’s a seeecreeeeet!

[caesarsantithesis-blog]

kind a miserably if you wwant me to be honest about it

hey there dollface

hows it hangin?

[caesarsantithesis-blog]

wwhoa wwhere did all a you come from

an for that matter

wwhy are you here

[caesarsantithesis-blog]

WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?

i dont have any fuckin human memories wwhat a asshole robot

[caesarsantithesis-blog]

You leave you lusus in the sky above the clear Alternian sea, unfastening the collar of your cape and leaving it draped across his saddle along with your scarf and shoes. Though the both of you made a great team, this was something that you had to do alone. You push off, dropping into the water, blinking to accustom your eyes when you submerge.

You see her almost immediately, her green and blue skirt standing out brightly against the water as she swims away from you. You wave a hand, calling for her, and she turns around. Happy, you swim forward. You've been looking for her for so long, and you haven't been able to find her. You were afraid she was still mad, that she wouldn't give you the time of day.

Your relief dies in your chest. When she get close enough that you can see her face, her usual smile turns into a scowl, full of hate at your very presence. As quickly as she turned to face you, she turns her back on you, darting off into the water, angled down to its darker depths.

You swim after her, desperate, needing to say what you came to say. You call after her what you had wanted so dearly to tell her

"fef please stop fef im so fuckin sorry i didnt wwant it to be like this" 

But she doesn't hear you, or she doesn't want to make time for a traitor like you. She swims on, and you follow, deeper into the dark sea than you usually go. She darts, and turns, and loops around, trying to make you lose her trail.

You follow her until the muscles in your legs burn, your arms feel weak, and your gills can't suck in water fast enough to fight your exhaustion. Ultimately, you lose sight of her.

But you don't lose hope.

You call for her in the water, begging her please to just give you a minute of her time. You know you don't deserve, you know she doesn't have to, you know she hates you, but you need to tell her, to her face, how much you want to tear your heart out of your chest every time you think of what happened in that dingy lab on that goddamn meteor in that game that ruined your life. Every time you think about what you did to her.

You need to tell her how sorry you are.

You see her peek out from behind a rock and you give her a weak smile. You go to swim for her, but something tugs you back by your shirt. You glance behind, to see what bit of kelp or coral you were snagged on, only to have your heart bottom out in your stomach.

The mass of bulbous tentacled white horror behind you, her lusus, the thing you worked so hard with her to feed, has you with one vinelike limb by the back of your shirt. A massive eye is focus on you, and you feel the tremor in the water is its colossal beak opens and snaps shut again. Terror rising in you, you look back to Feferi, to ask her for help, only to feel the slap of a tentacle against your mouth as Gl'bgolyb wraps it around your head. 

Your eyes go wide in terror as more white tentacles reach out and touching you, binding your hands, your ankles, your legs, and most horrifyingly, curl around you and cover your gills. You scramble to try to free yourself, fighting against the massive creature, your claws drawing what must be like tiny Tyrian paper cuts against the massive lusus. You look around, trying to find her, trying to get free, but you can't. You vision is filled with dark water and white tentacles, and your gills open and close in vain, seeking the water that is all around you but you just can't breathe.

You feel the burn in your lungs and the ache in your muscles. You know you won't be able to fight the urge to breathe forever. Your gills unable to take in oxygen, you'll take a breath, you'll have to, you'll have to...

Suddenly, the tentacle around your mouth lifts, and you see her, floating there, holding the appendage of her lusus as if she were simply holding hands with it. You use the last of the breath you have to try to say something to her but you can't make words.

She shakes her head, and you take a breath, the lungs you have that are meant for air filling with water and you choke, clawing at the creature covering your gills. You can't breathe, you can't see, you--

You sit bold upright in your human bed, gasping for breath as your fins flare. Drowning. You never used to fucking dream about drowning. You barely used to dream. Stupid daymare, stupid planet that has 'beds' instead of coons. You hate it. You hate all of it.

You cover your face with your hands, breathing hard as you try to remind your brain that there's actually air here. You hear the soft hum of the fish tank next to your bed. That's the closest to the ocean as you get in your shitty studio apartment in Manhattan, and it certainly doesn't hide a horrorterror.

"fuck" 

Drowning. You always dream about drowning now.