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[caffeinatedandcancerous]

sobbing in a hospital bed because i miss my boyfriend and i need to feel his arms around me. im so scared, so many doctors keep popping in and nurses are taking blood labs and i just want to rest my head on e's shoulder and cry. i want him curled up in this bed with me :(

[caffeinatedandcancerous]

there is something going wrong in my body! it is not just the cancer! i contacted my oncologist's office and scheduled an appointment, but their next opening isn't until march 28. ive lost so much weight, my skin is so pale, my muscles twitch and spasm, and i tremble even when i just sit.

yesterday, my boyfriend and i went on a date to a park. we sat near a stream in a tent and watched the ducks play in the rain. when it was time to get up, i just. couldnt? it wasnt from a lack of strength, it was like my body had stiffened into the position i was in. my boyfriend had to help me uncross my legs and gently pull me up. i was close to tears from the pain of that. i was trembling within a minute, and we couldnt find my cane until he realized it was left in his car. he bolted to the car to grab it for me. when i had it again, my whole body sagged with relief. i ended up falling asleep in his car on the way home. i probably slept close to 18 hours all of yesterday.

[caffeinatedandcancerous]

my weight is dropping so fast and my hair is coming out. im always freezing and shivering. my body is so weak. im so tired. im so tired of this. im so tired of being brave. im so tired of being strong. i just want to curl up in my bf's arms and hide from the world while i cry.

[caffeinatedandcancerous]

its almost midnight. this is the first night in half a week my bf isnt spending the night! ironically its also the worst night of this round of chemo. i had my tube removed earlier & im to keep it out for 5 days! ill insert it myself again on the 12th. e & i went on a public date! and i ate food again!! but i keep vomiting. e keeps offering to come over again, to hold my hair back and wrap me in blankets when the chemo shivers come. i keep declining because im beginning to feel like a burden. ive expressed so and hes disputed it, but i think the space of sleeping alone will be good for me.

my head is pounding, my body is going numb, i can barely walk. i was issued a disability plate i get to carry around now; when we used it earlier, e called it vip parking which made me laugh. im now using a cane to stabilize me when i need it. it folds up nicely and fits in my purse as well as in e's pockets lol. my hair is now beginning to fall out. it's just a few strands here and there, but it's been enough for me to notice. hes noticed too. he told me i dont need hair to be beautiful and i sobbed. hes been so sweet through all my medical stuff the past few months.

when i first began expressing symptoms, he was patient. as they progressed, he offered comfort. by october, he was supporting me through everything and asking how my doctor appointments were going. and now, in march, hes taking me to see my oncologist and bringing me balloons for each day of chemo i survive. he's been so gentle with me as i forget dates and plans and people and things we've planned. he doesnt rush me to reply but doesnt let me not reply. he sends reminders to text back or to finish telling my story or to get ready for my next appointment. he texts when my blood sugar is too high and i need to correct and he texts when its time to bolus formula into my tube. hes so kind and calm with everything he does and i worry im a burden. and then he reminds me he does this because he loves me and i soften and let my walls down and let him love me.

having cancer and navigating a new relationship are so hard. but when your boyfriend steps up and is willing to shoulder your pain & struggles, it becomes so much easier

[caffeinatedandcancerous]

last night, i was feeling awful. chemo is kicking my ass. im getting so weak and tired and nothing feels right. i started crying and called my boyfriend. i told him im dying and i dont think i have much time left. i told him if he wants to stop dating, stop loving, stop whatever we are, the present would be the best time. he said "i'll take whatever time i can get" and yall, i think i fully fell in love w him then. i stayed quiet and this lovely man went "the only thing i'll ever regret is not telling you i love you sooner. i should have said so in august." and i CRIED. he came over today and he took me to his family. i met some relatives and pet some goats and got to listen to him call me his 🥰🥰 when i got tired and was getting dizzy, he took me to his childhood bedroom and we laid in bed for a bit. he even administered my meds into my tube for me. he was so gentle with my aids, with me. i kept glancing at him and smiling. he caught me and kissed me. i was so nervous about kissing with my tube taped to my cheek? but he was so tender and gentle and by today, i kinda forgot it was something i used to worry about. im just so happy to finally have a partner who doesnt make me feel uncomfortable or awkward for being disabled <3

[caffeinatedandcancerous]

i hate this so much. nothing feels okay. i can barely think most days. im tired of the tube, im tired of the stares, im tired of knowing i probably dont have much time left. ive been seeing a friend; hes in love and i def have the potential to get there. but i dont see the point. i feel like im gonna die soon anyways, why waste his time

[caffeinatedandcancerous]

just woke up to a call from my oncologist! i had images done a few days ago, and she got the results. the tumor has grown slightly. she said this is nothing to be worried about since my chemo dosage has already been adjusted and im due to begin round two within a few days. however, she said this is something i need to be wary of. i should limit the amount of energy i exert since im running on limited energy as is. it feels like i run through all my spoons but my second feed. i just spend the rest of the day sleeping until my alarm goes off and i either bolus another formula amount or i correct my blood sugar

e has been super lovely through this all. he texts often and asks how im feeling. we celebrate the days my bloodsugar is under 200 and we celebrate the days i have energy. hes been coming over often and just hanging out with me. its so nice to have someone so supportive in my life. in terms of disability, i have never felt so safe with someone as i do with him. its much easier to go through this with him by my side

[caffeinatedandcancerous]

i am Not doing well. everything hurts! nothing feels okay! im barely able to function lol. im in so much pain all the time. i have a near-constant headache that makes thinking hard. im so tired of this. im tired of everything. i can feel myself slipping into the same depression i fell into last year and i don't even have the energy to fight it. i have round two of chemo approaching already and that makes me want to cry. im so tired

[caffeinatedandcancerous]

i just finished my first feeding of the day! it took longer than usual because my hands were shaking. my joints are incredibly sore today and my muscles feel nonexistent. its been nearly an hr since i finished and my stomach is now rioting. im having such an awful stomachache, my nose is itchy from the tube, and im feeling exhausted. im getting nauseous again which is worrying me because i Cant throw up w my tube

i got into an argument w a friend yesterday and immediately, i get hit w the worst fatigue. im still recovering from it. i cant take more than a few steps without getting winded

im also!! considering? attempting to date a friend? which sounds normal enough! but im worried about my health interfering with things because that happened in my last relationship. something feels a lil different with my friend tho. he doesnt rush me and he accommodate all my needs which feels so new to me. i struggled with my feeding process yesterday morning and he just. took over. he asked questions as he did it, did everything slowly, and we celebrated when he successfully did it!! so im like. not worried about the disability-related things as opposed to like. actually being disabled? my cog dysfunction from the cancer growth is what killed my last relationship and id hate to let anything ruin the friendship with this person

ive mentioned it to one of my therapists (this one works with YAs w cancer) and she said finding and experiencing love and living life as someone my age has no neg affects as long as we both know my limits and try to avoid the gen public so my risk of getting sick remains as low as possible. it was mentioned in passing to my cbt therapist and she isnt fully on board, wanting me to be closer to graduation before i attempt dating someone new. however! she did say she sees no problem with it if i promise to keep up on everything ive learned, continue to learn, not fall into old cycles, and am willing to go through Big Emotions again

in the duration it took for me to write this!! my stomach no longer hurts! but now i have a headache. time to crush up my pills, bolus them into the tube, and head off to my doctor appointment <3

[caffeinatedandcancerous]

im out of the hospital! but im so sore and tired. my body is in so much pain. i feel weaker by the day. i get winded from walking a few steps. my back hurts from sitting in the wheelchair at the hospital. im so dizzy and my head is pounding and im so genuinely scared im going to die. im constantly in and out of the hospital but nothing makes me feel better. it feels like my body is slowly shutting down. my kidney function is decreasing, my liver is struggling, my heart murmur is intensifying. im finally on ngt so at least im getting adequate nutrition again! but i feel awful still

[caffeinatedandcancerous]

so! i landed myself back in the hospital yesterday! it feels like my body is failing lol. the amount of seizures per day im having is far too high and is rapidly affecting my brain & cog function again. every part of my head hurts and im now slurring my words a little bit. when i came to the hospital and i explained what was wrong, i was asked questions like my name, how to spell it, how old i was, what the date was, if i know what hospital i was at, what medical conditions i had, etc. i answered to the best of my ability and! i got half wrong or i was too hesitant! so they shackled me to an iv again :/

i was asked if id like to consider receiving a port. my skin is so dry and my veins are impossible to find. the veins in both hands are shot and bruised. my inner elbows are also bruising. the veins in my forearms were too difficult to puncture; after 3 failed attempts, the nurse just went back in to my inner elbow on my left arm. im contemplating it, as i promised, but i dont think im comfy w it. the fear of infection is too strong and i absolutely do not have the energy to fight an infection

i did get an ng tube though! so i can finally begin "eating" again, alhamdulillah! i should be released from the hospital soon!! im just waiting on one more feed, speaking with a dietician, seeing my oncologist, and doing a quick psych eval. im being supplied with some bottles of formula for now, but ill have to pick some up eventually

[caffeinatedandcancerous]

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[caffeinatedandcancerous]

today has! began awful! ive been awake for under an hour & i already fainted. i keep vomiting, im dizzy, my vision is blurring, and i cant stand up for long. my whole body hurts, i cant stop crying, and and my breaths are raspy and hurt my chest

[caffeinatedandcancerous]

so!! not much has changed? im tremoring way last tho!! my body pain is a bit more intense? and im nauseous more. i walked around a grocery store for an hour earlier! my legs are still so very sore but nothing new! overall, today has been one of my better days??

[caffeinatedandcancerous]

i slept so much today. my body is so sore from being curled up for so long, i think. but!! the tremors are OVER!!

i was told the time period *after* chemo would be worse. i was iffy on that because i was already feeling weak, nauseous, and had awful brain fog & severe emotional dysregulation again. but. i get it. my body used to be tender/sore. and now borders on pain. my brain fog was tolerable but now im back to being hazy. im still unable to stomach food, but it is so much worse now!! even smelling food makes me queasy! im so tired all the time :(

[caffeinatedandcancerous]

i had an oncology appointment today! my immunosuppressant was switched, my chemo doseage was increased, my NG tube order was sent to my insurance company, and i got a referral to a genetics physician(?). my most recent lab work was Awful. very few things were in range & almost everything was Severely high or low </3 im still getting tremors but they should reduce soon!

the tumor! was way larger! than what i was! first told though! i finally know what form of cancer i have as well as having received ANOTHER diagnosis but this one was for a genetic condition which caused the cancer growth. i have to get all freckles on my back, arms, and hips biopsied soon to ensure theyre Clean

im now Exhausted. i had such a long morning & now all i wanna do is finish my toast, drink some tea, and nap for a few hours

[caffeinatedandcancerous]

i slept!! for nine hours straight!! it was so so nice to not have to wake up so early to take my pill!! but im Still tremoring!

i havent had a seizure in a few days! which feels great! my muscles were so tired and sore from the constant seizing. im excited to see my oncologist and give her updates on everything!