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I couldn't relax during the ketamine treatment today because I could feel myself breathing and I feel like that says a lot about my mental state

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Just got home from the second one yippee

Just had my first ketamine infusion 👍

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I wonder if anyone has ever felt as helpless and powerless as I do

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My friends are all always too busy for me. Too busy to even reply to my texts

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if i don't get better soon i'm going to have to kill myself

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I'm already dead

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I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS KIND OF ANIMAL ANYMORE!!!

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I'm holding on so tightly, fighting for my life, but no matter what I throw at it, my invisible enemy says "this is not enough"

I really try. I swear I'm really trying with everything I have but I'm losing. And I'm going to die.

All the things I cared about, the things that I know used to be important to me, and all the things I like and the things I love and the things that used to make me feel alive- they're not enough. And my friends and my soul mate and their absurdly kind words and gestures, the professional help, the medications, the hospitalizations, the strangers here who send me carefully thought out messages out of the kindness of their hearts- they're not enough either. Warm blankets, sweet coffee, the sound of rain, energy drinks, a tight hug, my dog, my favorite song... none of it is enough and I'm begging, I'm begging for it to be enough. Because I'm not ready to be done with this life yet... I just can't go on like this.

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I know it's only my first dose but I'm still scared it's not going to work... one of the benefits of ketamine is that it's very fast-acting compared to other antidepressants and most people notice an improvement somewhere within 4 to 24 hours after their infusion. But nothing has changed for me whatsoever. Idk obviously I'm giving it more time (I'm planning to get 6 infusions I think) but I'm feeling a bit discouraged

Just had my first ketamine infusion 👍

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I literally don't know why I have depression!!!

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Everytime I laugh it feels just a little bit forced and for a moment, I think I might cry if I was still able to

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There is some vital, human part of me missing and I don't know what it is or how to get it back but I'm going to die without it

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Just had my first ketamine infusion 👍

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I wonder if I'll ever help someone the way people have helped me

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I'm barely hanging onto my life over here worrying about shit like wether or not my art is any good. Like DUDE do we not have more pressing issues right now??

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I only have to hold on for a little longer. I don't know which way it's gonna go but either way this will all finally stop soon.

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None of my friends have time for me. The only people who seem to have time for me are the ones who want to hurt me