caffeinatedvigilantewriter

[caffeinatedvigilantewriter]

i like to think that at the league of assassins jason used to get so bored of having no access to media/tv that he would just compensate by singing excessively every theme tune/pop culture song he knew whenever he was working/training, which means damian probably knew all these pop culture references already when he got to gotham, except when tim puts on the tv and he hears a popular ad jingle play during commercials he doesn’t get a fun ‘oh haha i recognise that tune’ moment instead its him hearing an ed sheeran song and having a rapid war flashback to watching jason viscerally rip the heads off a group of about 20 men attempting to harm damian while dancing and singing fucking Starlord, Guardians of the Galaxy style.

dick, humming as he makes toast: dontcha’ know, i’m still standin, betta than i eva did~

damian, experiencing both nostalgia and confusion at the same time: why are you singing a battle cry? we are in the kitchen.

tim: did you just call one of the songs from the Sing soundtrack a fucking battle cry?

damian:

damian: what’s Sing.

[caffeinatedvigilantewriter]

actually can we have Tim not being adopted into the batfamily and instead after his parents go broke and then die leaving him with nothing he just decides ‘well i know where the batcave is’ and starts living in the tunnels underneath Wayne manor because of the logic that he can’t get kicked out bcs 1. squatters rights and 2. whats Bruce gonna do? call the police and say ‘this guy won’t leave my secret lair. no im not Batman wdym’? and he manages to go unnoticed for like. a good fucking while. not even Alfred realises bcs wtf would he be snooping around down there for?

even better is this happens after Jason dies so Tim still becomes Robin and Bruce is so overwhelmed with grief that he literally never realises that Tim has never once used the front door to come over. he just kinda sneaks up from somewhere in the cave. he assumes that Alfred’s letting the kid in without telling him. Alfred assumes Bruce is doing the same.

Damian finds out first because that’s so much funnier. he gets to Gotham to 1. gain his birthright and meet his father and 2. do some reconnaissance/avenging of this replacement Robin that’s been the centre of Jason’s angry rants at the league for the past 6 months. he follows Tim ‘home’ and finds him fucking. golluming it up a 15 minute hike through the cave system and he’s like. wait what.

Damian, reporting back to Jason: Drake is a mole.

Jason, vindicated: like he’s working for the enemy?!

Damian, standing in front of an indignant Tim in the middle of his ‘camp’, phone pressed to his ear: no like he lives in a fucking tunnel.

Jason:

Tim, mumbling: slightly harsh,

Damian, angling his face away from the phone momentarily: i watched you dig a hole to unearth the protein bars you’d buried there.

Tim:

Jason, rapidly changing his opinion on this kid: ok actually lets not kill him because thats fucking hysterical and i want to know more-

Tim really likes living alone in the tunnels because he’s a weird little guy and he’s gotten used to the independence and lack of sun, and Damian grew up in the league where ‘wilderness training’ was monthly, mandatory, and from the age of three. so he really doesn’t see the issue in it. he just kinda shrugs and accepts his brother lives in the cave system. Jason is so delighted and amused by the vibes these two kids have going on over in Gotham (he gets video calls from Damian just. in Tim’s camp while they hang out together sometimes. Damian brings him water bottles and various sustenance offerings like he’s appealing so some ancient deity living under their house. Jason thinks it’s incredible) that he decides fuck the league, he needs to see this in person. killing the Joker is a side quest he did on the way; he really only came to see what his idiot little brothers had going on under Bruce, Dick and Alfreds nose. he visits Tim’s little cave home while waiting for his new Crime Alley apartment to be ready.

eventually Bruce and Dick are working on a case and they’re following a lead to do with a criminal escaping via cave systems that they theorise may connect to the batcave, so after Damian’s gone to bed they suit up and start searching around. they come across Damian, Tim, and the fucking Red Hood chilling around a small fire just casually eating leftovers Damian snuck down from the kitchen, just quietly enjoying each others presence in this clearly years old campsite, quietly discussing whether or not the weather will be clear enough next week to go to the new art museum together. Dick shines a flashlight at them and they all snap to attention like that scene in ratatouille where the human comes in the kitchen and the rats all freeze and look up. nobody says anything for a solid three minutes.

eventually Tim is just like “I have squatters rights. you can’t evict me.” and Red Hood nods and points at him.

Bruce, desperate to gain some kind of thread of understanding here: “Damian, you’re supposed to be in bed. …Tim, I’m actually not sure where you’re supposed to be, come to think of it, but I don’t think it’s here.”

“He just said he has squatters rights, father.” Damian responds instantly. “Keep up.”

Dick: “And does the Red Hood have squatters rights?”

“I have a gun,” Jason points out cheerfully. “Same thing, ain’t it?”

Dick and Bruce are so confused they become convinced that they’ve been dosed with something and only figure out whats going on after putting on gas masks and testing everybody’s blood.

[caffeinatedvigilantewriter]

Over the years, the batfam has slowly noticed, why exactly Dick's mom had nicknamed him robin. Ofcourse he was born on the first day of spring and is always flitting about, but there's more...robin-like traits that have long since cemented his original robin status

Bruce, rushing to check up on his newly adopted child, Dick, who just walked into a glass door with eyes wide open: Chum? Why did you just walk into glass?

Dick: What glass?

Bruce: I-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jason, watching teen, newly discowing!Dick pack up his stuff to move out: Why do you have that hoard?

Dick, shoving his collection of shiny objects, including but not limited to, pins, buttons, spoons, forks, medals and trophies, into a bag: What hoard?

Jason:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tim, traumatized after having seen Dick dance in front of Barbara at a ball: Why would you willingly do that? Was that a mating dance?

Dick: A what? I'm not a bird, Tim

Tim: ok

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Damian, looking disgruntled as Dick spoonfeeds him some porridge: Why must you insist on this, Richard? I am 10, not 4

Dick: But you work so hard for patrol and school everyday!

Documentary playing in the background: And the Mama Bird will feed it's chick until it is big enough to hunt on it own....

Damian: ...

Damian: Tt. Fine, you may.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Duke, on a rare night patrol, batting Batman!Dick away after the fifth time he tried to cover him with his cape: Dude quit it

Dick: But you're vulnerable at night because of your suit!

Duke, suddenly remembering how birds will try to cover their chicks with their wings to keep them safe: I owe tim so many churros

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And also, ofcourse, the many, many times Bruce has seen them all huddling together around Dick like they actually are robin chicks huddling around a robin mama

[caffeinatedvigilantewriter]

You know how the Robins were trained to be able to fight enemies way bigger than them, since they started really young and also were taught by Batman (a Very Big Guy)?

It just occured to me that the reverse is also true: Batman is very good at fighting very short enemies.

I wonder if it ever came up.

Like if someone was trying to use their smaller size to their advantage and surprise Batman but it's just. Impossible. There is no move his little hypercompetent gremlins didn't already try against him.

[caffeinatedvigilantewriter]

‘Jason goes to Gotham and kills the Joker himself’ ‘Jason asks Talia to kill the Joker and she does so as a token of trust and good parentage’ NO Jason won’t stop fucking whining about how Batman won’t kill the Joker and how unfair it is and Ra’s gets so annoyed listening to him that he bumps Joker off himself just to get his daughter’s new pet project to shut the fuck up

Batman has no idea why halfway through a standard Joker special of glitter, guns, and ‘im going to blow up this bank!’ fucking Ra’s Al Ghul himself stormed into the room, looked incredibly annoyed to even be there, snapped the Joker’s neck in one fell swoop, and then stormed back out and disappeared while angrily muttering something about how ‘we better be able to finish this fucking meeting in peace now- swear to fucking GOD that boy is annoying-‘

he’s honestly so baffled at Ra’s appearing in Gotham in the first place that he doesn’t manage to save the Joker, and Ra’s refuses to even acknowledge any attempts at asking why the fuck he decided to do that. it becomes Gotham’s greatest mystery, and Ra’s doesn’t realise until he gets back home that he just made the biggest mistake of his life; teaching Jason that whining about his problems will lead Ra’s to take care of them for him.

[caffeinatedvigilantewriter]

I want the entire Justice League to just be so fucking scared of Dick!Robin. He’s like 8-10 when they first meet him, but he’s somehow more horrifying than Batman. He’s teeny tiny and a cross between a fluttery little sprite and a shadowy demon. They’re still not sure if Batman is human or not, but they’re all convinced that Robin is some sort of entity. He’s a ghoul, a spirit, an eldritch horror that must haunt Gotham for some Godforsaken reason. And he either picked Batman to latch onto, or Batman saw him and plucked him up and thought he’d make a good companion.

One day, he gets so mad at Green Lantern for poking fun at Batman that he bites him so hard, Hal’s arm bleeds. Batman had grabbed him by his cape and dangled him in the air, telling him to apologize, but Robin just hung there with his arms crossed and a pout on his face. He did eventually say sorry. They all knew he didn’t mean it. He had blood drying on his lips. He didn’t wipe it away. It wasn’t until Batman put him down that the bat even noticed, then used his cape to clean him up.

The next time they saw him, he was giggling and asking Hal if yellow is his greatest weakness, and if his own yellow cape causes Hal pain. Then he leaned forward and whispered, “I hope it does” before giggling again and skipping away to ask Superman something.

Hal didn’t come to the Watchtower for two months after that.

Dick is enamored by Superman. He loves him. Follows after him all the time, is always asking Superman to take him flying. Clark takes him every so often, but cackling laugh Robin lets out while they’re in the air sends a chill down his spine.

Martian Manhunter admits that he once accidentally brushed against Robin’s mind, but all he picked up was distorted circus music.

That freaks everyone out, and now they hear it in their own heads whenever they catch a glimpse of Robin.

When he starts growing like a real boy? Horrible. Creepy. They don’t like it one bit. He’s acting too human, he’s making them think he’s real.

When he starts hanging out with their sidekicks? Nope. They all try to put a stop to it. The sidekicks all disobey them with a roll of their eyes. Then he becomes the leader of their little group, calling themselves the Titans? Oh God, he must be starting some sort of army.

Then a new Robin appears, and they all meet Nightwing, but they have no idea Nightwing used to be Robin. So when Nightwing becomes a member of the JL, they don’t think twice about him. They think Nightwing is a great guy. Very open. Very friendly. They all consider him a good friend.

Then it comes out after a few months that he used to be Robin, and all the original JL members practically squeak and distance themselves from him immediately. They’re terrified of him.

“You’re the little demon that bit me?” Hal shrieks.

Nightwing laughs, but he’s shrugging and looking so sheepish, so embarrassed.

“You were being mean to my dad!”

And the fact that Batman is Nightwing’s dad just makes them all freeze. Because they never actually considered that an option.

They’re still convinced he’s not entirely human, though. It would explain how he’s so flippy and bendy.

Dick has way too much fun when he realizes they actually think he’s not a human. He torments them just a little bit, in retaliation. Bruce watches from afar, both annoyed with his coworkers and amused by his son’s antics.

[caffeinatedvigilantewriter]

"nobody cares about tim drake--" LOUD INCORRECT BUZZER

I CARE ABOUT TIM DRAKE. I DO. LOOK AT HIM AND TELL ME YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT HIM

[caffeinatedvigilantewriter]

Bruce: Give me some good news Jason.

Jason:

Bruce: Give me some news Jason.

Jason: I hit Vicki Vale with my car.

Bruce: Hmm, that is good news

[caffeinatedvigilantewriter]

ppl who celebrate fictional character birthdays are annoying pass it on

[caffeinatedvigilantewriter]

[Private messages]

Felix: where are you?

Marinette: in Paris

Marinette: again

Felix: you were supposed to come back to London this morning

Felix: I came home and you weren't there

Marinette: I was there

Marinette: and left again

Felix: what are you doing in Paris?

Marinette: going to the train to go back to London

Felix: why did you go to Paris when you just came from there?

Marinette: I'll tell you later when I'm home

Marinette: I'm walking to the train and dragging my suitcase and bag

Marinette: it’s uncomfortable to text

Felix: no

Felix: tell me now

Felix: I need to know why my wife ends up in another city twice in the same day

Marinette: agh

Marinette: okay!

Marinette: when I came home I saw dark hair on the bed and next to it

Marinette: I freaked out, packed my things, and went back to my parents in Paris

Marinette: and while I was on the train I realized that I only dyed my hair light three days ago

Marinette: and that this hair in our bedroom is mine

Marinette: a little dumb, I know

Felix: a little?!

[caffeinatedvigilantewriter]

Old art from October

I've just realized I really like Tired but capable Sunshine x Dangerous Rich Kid With Terrible Social Skills

[caffeinatedvigilantewriter]

Damian becoming the Doctor of the family, treating the Bats when they're injured, and taking care of them... But doing so in the most evil unhinged ways possible.

Damian, injecting something into Bruce's arm: I'll give you an anesthetic but you are in no condition to fight, Father. You'll be on bed rest until I clear you.

Bruce, already standing up, no fucks given: Thanks, Damian. But I really need to catch these people, they are– They–

Bruce: *Begins to stumble in place* They– y-you–

Damian:

Bruce, falling to the ground: W-what did you–?

*Evil boss music starts playing in the background*

Damian, slowly approaching: Oh, sorry, did I said I would give you anesthetic? I meant to say a paralyzing agent.

Bruce:

Damian: Don't worry, Father, Black Bat will take care of the case...

Damian, carrying Bruce back to bed:And you, as I said, will be on bed rest until I clear you.

*Evil music intensifies*

*After training*

Damian: I made limonade.

Dick, reaching for a glass: Thanks, Dam—

Damian: Not that one. That one is Drake's.

Dick: Oh–

Damian, handing Dick a glass: This one is yours.

Dick: Oh.

Damian:

Dick:

Dick: Did you- Did you put something in Tim's?

Damian:

Dick:... Did you put something in mine?

Damian:

Dick:What did you p–

Damian: Drink it, Grayson. It's good for you.

[caffeinatedvigilantewriter]

I need a situation where one of the younger batkids are in an argument with Jason, and bring up the fact that he "wasn't a good kid"

Damian: "Tch. Todd, you are just angry because you were too busy rebelling to get father's attention."

Jason:

Dick: "..What?"

Damian: "Your degenerative behavior as a child is the whole reason father does not respect you now."

Bruce: "Damian, Jason was a saint."

Damian: "What?"

Dick: "Jason had a self imposed bed time."

Bruce: "He had a weird obsession with homework.."

Dick: "Once, I tried to sneak him out, and he cried."

Bruce: "I once implied that he could sneak out, and he cried."

Damian:

Jason: "Dami, B and I don't get along because of our terrible morals."

Bruce: "Well, I wouldn't say that-"

Jason: "He hates me because we both have extremely fucked up versions of justice that we don't agree on-"

Bruce: "Now, I never said-"

Jason: "I was a child and he hated me. He hates children-"

Bruce: "God damnit, Jason-"

Damian:

Damian: "My whole perspective has been altered."

[caffeinatedvigilantewriter]

Hey guys. DCxDP where Danny is tormenting Damian on social media for literally no reason because it’s funny

Danny, Sam and Tucker are scrolling through Bruce Wayne’s Twitter account for whatever reason (trying to find an announcement from the company, trying to find a stupid tweet, etc) and accidentally find a picture of Damian.

Cue everyone freaking out, because they look almost (aside from Damian being a bit darker than Danny) identical.

Even better, Danny is wearing a (much cheaper) near identical version of the outfit that Damian is wearing in the picture.

The group stages a quick picture in the same poses as Damian’s (Tucker, playing Bruce, is on a step stool) and post it in a reply.

They think nothing of it, find whatever they were looking for, and move on.

Except… Danny continues doing it. For months. People start following him on Twitter. The GiW have visited his house twice now because he keeps breaking through the media blackout to post (before being turned away due to lack of warrant).

Damian is not amused (Jon absolutely is, but this isn’t about him). He’s in deep Twitter beef with this random scrawny white boy for responding to every single photo of him with his own poorly done copy. He doesn’t even have an account, but he’s still finding ways to argue with Danny. He’s gone viral for blinking threats to Danny in Morse code during an interview.

The worst part is, this can’t possibly be a clone, so Damian isn’t allowed to attack him physically. Danny is fifteen, three years older than Damian. He’s not related in any way to Ra’s Al Ghul, or anyone who might have cloned Damian before. They just look remarkably alike.

Danny goes viral when, after a clip of Damian fleeing a rogue is posted to twitter, he responds with his own clip of him fleeing a ghost (probably Vlad). It’s clearly a genuine emergency, but Danny still put in the effort to move in the exact same pattern that Damian did (aside from a few quick dodges to avoid ecto blasts).

Damian is enraged.

He’s got to put an end to this somehow.

And so, he steals one of B’s private jets, and takes a quick flight to bumfuck nowhere, Illinois.

[caffeinatedvigilantewriter]

Tim is being intimidating

Conner: ....please don't stab me

Tim: I am not the stabby bat

Conner: Yeah, and nightwing isn't the 'computers' bat, but I literally watched him hack into a government website last week, so...

Conner: please don't stab me

[caffeinatedvigilantewriter]

Bruce jumped in a fountain during a gala cause he wasn’t in a headline for a few weeks, and some random journalist questioned whether he could be a good parental figure or not. Dick didn’t like that very much…

[caffeinatedvigilantewriter]

Brucie can Crash Out sometimes