caffeine-zero - Tumblr blog

[caffeine-zero]

update:

I got on new meds because I have chronic migraines and my old meds stopped working. well the new meds make it really hard to eat and since I've been on them I actually haven't though about my ed much so that's interesting. I was originally really nauseous and that's why I couldn't really eat on the meds but that's gotten better but it's still just like hard to eat on them. they are really helping my headaches though so I'm hoping my neurologist doesn't take me off them when I go back. they were almost concerned that I lost 10 pounds between my last visits and were apprehensive to put me on meds with a side effect of weight loss

but yeah I'm still alive guys, I'm still here. a bit less active because my brain chemicals took over Ed for a while lol

[caffeine-zero]

some recent(ish) body checks

sorry I've been so inactive! I was trying to maintain the weight I'm at for a while before I tried to lose weight again because

1. I should definitely give my body a bit of a break

2. it was an exam heavy time and I needed to eat so I could study and do well

3. my boyfriend knows about my Ed and I don't want to worry him too much

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me

9/8/21 and 9/20/21

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July 2021

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body check 4/26

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I crave carbs a ton

like bagels, bread, pasta

let me introduce you to protein pasta. it's made out of wheat, lentils, and chickpeas. I had it at like 1 or 2 today and usually when I eat pasta for lunch I'm hungry in like 2 hours. I'm still full.

now I'm not saying get it so you don't have to eat as much. I'm saying if you don't want to feel as hungry protein helps. I don't eat meat so that's hard for me. and I know a lot of people here probably need more protein anyway.

please be safe and drink some water girls, guys, and non-bi's. get some protein and take your vitamins too

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I don't remember when I took these but I want to get back to looking like this

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so like rant

uhhh I'm trying to get better and it's really hard to eat rn. like my boyfriend is really supportive (or at least as much as he can be. he doesn't really understand) and he tells me to eat every day and I appreciate him trying but like the more he tells me to eat the less I want to and I know he's trying his hardest so I don't know how to tell him what's the struggle.

help?

[caffeine-zero]

take a moment to breathe

thank you

[caffeine-zero]

11.14.20

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TW!!!!! (Self harm, depression, anxiety)

Hi if you're able to read this please tell me what to do. If you can't read this please keep scrolling and put yourself before a stranger.

So I really haven't been doing well lately and I ended up hurting myself again yesterday and 2 days before that after like 5 months clean and I really want to talk to one of my friends but the only people I could even imagine telling I can't. One, my best friend for a long time and now just a person I talk to because I moved 7 hours away from them so we don't actually talk we like have a snap streak, I can't tell because they knew all about it and I think we used to accidentally trigger each other and they've been doing so well I don't want to risk them getting triggered again by me. The other one I used to talk to but I know I definitely can't anymore because when I told them about my depression and anxiety and tried to talk to them (on snap) during my panic attacks to try to distract myself eventually they told me "can I be honest? It honestly kinda seems like you're just wanting attention. Like I'm really sorry but it's true" so now I can't tell them anything personal because they made me start crying in the library when they texted me that. And I can't tell my roommates because I think they know I used to but I don't want to have that convo just in case and they think I'm such a happy person (one literally bought me a necklace of a sun because it reminded them of me) and I can't risk them seeing me differently.

So that eliminates anyone I can talk to.

What do I do?

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11.4.20

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Think of someone you love. A friend, a family member, anyone that you love for who they are

Now do you love them for their body? Probably not. You are the only one that's basing their self worth on your body

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^^^Me posed with an angled mirror^^^

10.29.20

^^^me not as posed because I don't care as much after a run^^^

These pictures were literally taken the same day and one from yesterday.

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The absolute last thing I want to do right now is eat but I know I went rock climbing for like an hour and a half and I went for a 1.5 mile jog so I know I need to eat but I don't know how. I only ate once today so I shouldn't be struggling so much because I usually only eat lunch and dinner but I just can't. Can someone please give me motivation to eat my food? It's literally right in front of me but I just can't

[caffeine-zero]

10.21.20

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TW!!! (LGBTQ+)

Okay so I'm not trans. I my sex is female and so is my gender I think but does anyone else kinda feel like "oh I don't feel like I'm a guy but I want to be one but I don't want to like be be one but if I could have chosen my sex I would have chosen a guy"? Or is that just me?

Update: (better wording?) I wanna be a guy but I don't wanna transition to a guy. I kinda wish I just like already was but I'm okay with being a girl since I already am?