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[caffeinenpatience-blog]

This shirt perfectly hides my fat, disgusting hips and thighs. CW: 133.8 GW1: 124

[caffeinenpatience-blog]

It’s Been ~One Week~

24F 5′6″ | HW:165 CW:133.9 GW1:124

Not a pound lost. A week of relapse and my body isn’t even excited. Come on now this is literally party time.

It’s Probably Just...

I worked out and had salty food last night. It’s the first day of my period. I’ve been constipated.

There are like 17 different excuses I have for why my weight, to the decimal place, is the same as last week. I weigh every morning and log it into Libra (on iPhones its Happy Scale), and I just have this depressing graph of not losing.

My weigh in routine is probably typical and probably fucked up. Bathroom, brush teeth, floss, brush hair, take hairtie off wrist, weigh, shower and shave EVERYTHING, dry fully, weigh again. The lowest of those weights is the daily weight.

I normally take Milk of Magnesia when I’m constipated and, for me, it works wonders. I don’t take stimulant laxatives. BUT OF COURSE THIS WEEK IS MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE. I wanted to Tuesday, but then I had a sexy thing come up. Okay Wednesday - but I’m volunteering in the evening. Thursday - but I’m climbing in the evening. Friday? - dinner with friends. Looks like Saturday is going to be pooing day. I pray to the butterfly goddess for a new LW.

Are Vitamins A Meal? Yes.

I supplement a lot it feels like, although it kind of built up over time. Fiber is a GODSEND I stay so regular now. I was eating a lot of fiber but this was just amazing. The vitamins are from a bought of B12 deficiency so now I might as well keep them. I’m hoping to switch my protein powder to a vegan brand soon.

In the A.M. - tsp of SF Metamucil. In the P.M. - 2 ON Women’s multivitamin. After bouldering - 1 scoop Isopure Dutch Chocolate protein powder.

I also take a monophasic oral BC and Celexa.

“What do you even eat?”

Nothing? At least that’s the goal.

Including any calories from supplements, my current goal is never above 1,000 calories. So far I’m averaging 850 calories/day. My TDEE according to the SailRabbit calculator is 1,650 calories at goal weight.

I normally eat as little as possible pre-5pm, and then consume most of my calories 5pm to 9pm. This is my best strategy for other people not noticing that I’m not eating. Once I’m not living with friends, that will be easier to control.

I need calories before and after climbing, so any fasting is limited by that. I prefer IF to long fasts, because generally I can stick to the IF longer without binging. The goal is to get to 19:5 IF, but starting with 16:8 to ease into it.

Friday and Saturday are the worst days. That’s normally when I’ll slip up. My hope is wait until later to start eating on a Friday. Saturday is a lost cause because it’s also bouldering day which leaves me starving. hahaha jk am always starving.

I no longer drink alcohol which has helped SO MUCH WITH CALORIES. I also don’t run into being hammered and eating. It hasn’t even been hard to be social without it, I normally drink caffeine while we go out.

All of this said I eat fucking all the time unless I’m having a good day, mainly cheese or thai curry. 

XTREME SPORTS

Yeah, I boulder. Pretty cool, right???? No, it’s not. It’s literally like climbing weird ladders as a workout.

I started bouldering while I was “recovered” and it’s one of the only exercises that doesn’t feel like punishment or related to my ED. It just feels fun! 5 months in and I’ve made great progress. And then I realized that to be a better climber you need to have less weight to pull up the wall...oh no.

I’ve recently started to have shitty climbing days and no endurance. I probably need to plan some calories in right before climbing just for energy. I’ve tried doing that but I just need to be better. Story of my life.

My goal was set at 20BMI because that’s the highest BMI for a professional climber. After that, I keep telling myself I’ll switch to BF%.

The dream is to have not a scrap of muscle that I don’t need for bouldering, but to have lean muscle in the right places to be the best climber I can be. I want enough of a BF% to smooth out any lines - not a fan of visible muscles or bones. Since I don’t have a chest, I want to try and keep my booty. That might just have to be working out since it’s already flattening out.

I have running shoes and somewhat enjoy running, but too often it’s a “punishment exercise” that I use to scream at my body to lose weight.

Guess who’s joining a running group ʕ·ᴥ·ʔ

Coming Soon

I’ll be in my new place, alone, and get to live out my daily eating dreams of ~just fucking not~. I promise I’ll share a picture of my glorious mini fridge.

I’m visiting my hometown and my overweight family at the end of March. Luckily I’m not drinking so I won’t get calories from that, but they’re always shoving high calorie homemade love at me when I visit. I have to be stronk.

I think for the next post I’ll share my skincare routine because I LOVE skincare and you can’t eat when you have product on your face.

Chatter

Do you have a favorite brand of vegan protein powder? Do you supplement to make up for literally depriving your body of nutrition? How do you workout without passing out surrounded by strangers? Give Momma C&P your health tips for when actually taking care of your body just isn’t an option. ~

[caffeinenpatience-blog]

The Boys are Back in Town

24F 5′6″ | HW:165 CW:133.8 GW1:124

Ah, relapse. What a warm, comforting blanket. Just kidding I’m fucking freezing all the time what the hell.

Quick Background

Something something I’ve had issues with weight all my life. As a little kid I was too skinny and everyone was trying to feed me so that my normal sized head and feet wouldn’t look so weird on my tiny body. BAM middle school and suddenly I’m 5′4 and 180lb. In comes the first bought of restriction plus puberty and I’m 5′6 and 120lb in like 6 months. A bit of recovery for two years, but by 16 I’m back at it. I hit my lowest adult weight - 115lb. I have NO pictures from this time because it wasn’t as common to do phone pictures. People wouldn’t stop commenting on how small I was. There was a literal skin-and-bones girl in my grade though so people mainly targeted her with the ED talk - I flew under the radar. From there it’s just a disgusting dissent into ~10lb/year gain, except gaining just over 20lb in 2016 due to job stress and mild alcoholism.

In Jan 2017, I hit my highest adult weight - 165lb. By June 2017 I had gotten down to 135 - my lowest weight post-21yo. By Jan 2018...I was back to that same highest adult weight. This was all while “recovered” and all weight loss was healthy. And man was it fucking SLOW (all CICO through MFP and a food scale, min 1200 cal a day rule). Jan 2018-June 2018 I was still recovered and healthily lost weight down to 145 and took a break. I maintained until Oct 2018 and decided to lose more, still healthily. I made it til 140 and then...hello over-restriction.

I’ve only officially been back on my bullshit since 2/19/19.

Me, Myself, and I

This blog is just going to be me talking about life, and ED since it basically takes over your life. I plan to only post OC, so any pictures will be of my body. Ugh. Never the face though because only strangers can know how fucked up this all is.

I’m a recently unemployed (non-native) Seattleite who loves the outdoors and started bouldering in Oct 2018. Vegetarian for environmental reasons. Pear shaped with hip dips and on the Tiny Titty Committee. Addicted to skincare and caffeine. Anxiety, but like actually diagnosed.

Paris Jackson but with a booty is body goals.

Coming Up

I’ll finally have my own place this week! Living with friends means they see what you eat, like all the time, so I’ve been forced to eat at least dinner every day.

My ideal fridge is going to have Boss canned coffee, kombucha, SF Red Bull, green grapes, and my skincare. With bananas and Gerber’s cheese puffs stacked on top. I’m trying to keep diet pop out of my safe foods this time around, but we’ll see how long that lasts. I normally have cheese sticks but I’m trying to trend more towards vegan foods. All of my favorite foods are just cheese-covered.

Chatter

What fasting apps do you guys use? I kind of what to have a few to gamify my fasts to stick to them. Or if you have ways you make it feel competitive let me know! ~