caffinatedmind-blog

[caffinatedmind-blog]

Embracing the waves

A Reflection on Swimming, Surrender, and Trusting the Flow

I’ve got a life lesson to share with you.When I first started to swim, I was terrified of drowning. But guess what? We never do! It’s all in our heads. The fear comes from the unknown, from imagining the worst-case scenario.

Swimming teaches us to trust the water. It’s about letting go of control and staying calm. The more we fight against the water, the harder it gets. But when we relax, the water supports us in ways we don’t even realise until we stop resisting.The fear or resistance we feel is more in our minds than in reality. Just like in swimming, when we trust the process, stay calm, and let go of the need to control everything, we can flow through challenges much more easily.Our minds have this way of imagining worst-case scenarios—whether it’s drowning in water or failing in life—when, in reality, most of those fears never come true. We assume we’ll drown, but often, we just need to relax, trust the process, and have faith that things will work out.Whenever I write about feeling lost, I often find myself imagining the vast blue ocean. That endless stretch of water, where direction fades and you’re surrounded by nothing but waves. And when I express helplessness, it’s always the same image—of drowning, sinking slowly with no one around.But something’s changed within me.

As I’ve started learning how to swim, I’ve also started learning how to see. To really see. And I’ve realised that underwater is not just emptiness—it’s a whole other world. A world of liquid, of fluid silence, of gentle resistance and suspended grace. It’s a whole other state of matter, a different rhythm of existence.Have you ever wondered why we can’t truly get lost in the water? It’s all an illusion, really. Water acts like a magical friend, making things float and holding them close. It responds to our every move, even when we lose ourselves or the waves feel too strong. But here’s the strange part: the water surprisingly loves us and always brings us back to the surface. It doesn’t abandon us; it absorbs, surrounds, and gently guides us back to safety.

So, maybe being lost isn’t always a bad thing. It could be the start of something amazing—a chance to discover the beauty of our surroundings and trust that we’re not as lost as we think. There’s incredible strength in surrender, you know? When we stop fighting and just let go, even the toughest currents start to carry us forward. The waves may seem big and scary, but they actually help us move forward.

Even when we drift, the current brings us home. Isn’t that incredible? Swimming can teach us so much about life, can’t it?

[caffinatedmind-blog]

No matter how far I run, your shadow stays,

A whisper in the wind that never fades.

I keep myself busy, lost in the tide,

But the moment I stop, you're on my mind.

I'm reaching out with open arms,

Trying to hold on, but I fall apart.

The waves keep crashing, pulling me deep,

I'm sinking down where the heartache sleeps.

I'm drowned in the ocean, lost in the blue,

Fighting the current, but it leads back to you.

No matter how high, no matter how low,

Your name is the anchor I can't let go.

[caffinatedmind-blog]

Dearest Rohan,

Your face looks so wholesome.

[caffinatedmind-blog]

Marriages feel scary. I wonder how my mom felt when she was my age. She was married at 23, just like I am now. In a month, I’ll turn 24—the same age she was when she became pregnant. Some of my acquaintances are already having kids, and people have started asking me when I’ll get married.

On the outside, I might say that I’m brave and ready for marriage, but deep down, I know that’s not entirely true. A few months ago, I wanted Rohan to introduce me to his parents—I craved that validation, even after all these years together. But now, I don’t want to be introduced, because once that happens, I can never be unintroduced. I feel like I want to stay in this state, just being boyfriend and girlfriend, without the weight of a new identity. The idea of becoming a wife feels overwhelming, like stepping into a role I don’t fully understand yet.

I don’t know what it takes to feel ready. Maybe it’s time. Maybe it’s clarity. Maybe it’s something I haven’t figured out yet. All I know is that I don’t want to rush into something just because the world expects it. Love isn’t just about reaching the next milestone—it’s about being present in the moments that feel right. And right now, I just want to be—without pressure, without expectations, without fear of losing what we already have.

[caffinatedmind-blog]

Day after tomorrow, I have my SBI exam, and honestly, it feels like more than just a government exam to me. For most, it might just be another job opportunity, but for me, it carries a different weight. SBI, formerly known as the Imperial Bank of India, isn't just a bank—it has been the skeleton of India’s economy for ages. It has shaped the financial structure of the country, providing stability and trust to millions. The thought of being a part of such an institution makes me feel a mix of excitement and nervousness. It’s not just about clearing an exam; it’s about stepping into a role that actually matters, a career that has the potential to make a real difference. Right now, my mind is racing with all sorts of emotions, but I know I have put in the effort, and all I need to do is stay calm and give my best. Let’s see how it goes—wish me luck! 💙✨

[caffinatedmind-blog]

Reflections on My Journey

Over the past six months of preparing for a bank job, my mindset has shifted in ways I didn’t expect. Initially, it felt like I was just gathering knowledge or working toward getting any job. A part of me even saw it as a way to marry Rohan sooner. But as time has passed, I’ve come to realize that this isn’t just a job—it’s a dream for so many people.

I’ve been off social media for the last six months, and in this time, I’ve become more reflective. I’ve seen how deeply people dedicate themselves to this goal, pouring their hearts and souls into it. Some don’t even live long enough to see 24, and that thought really shakes me. I feel an ache when I think of those who are fighting for their dreams or those who don’t have the same chances. There’s also a tenderness I feel toward animals—dogs, cats, creatures who suffer silently.

When I was a child, I always believed I would help as many people as I could. But now, I realize how difficult that really is. How many people am I going to help? In the real world, 90% of people aren’t even grateful after receiving help. Some misuse the resources given to them, and many wouldn’t even think of helping me if I were poor or in distress.

On top of that, the amount of forgery and deception happening in the world today makes it so hard to tell who is truly in need. It’s heartbreaking to think about, but it’s also a harsh reality.

And then there’s my mother. Sometimes I forget how much pain she endured. When I remember, it brings a heavy sadness. It’s a reminder that life carries so much suffering, but at the same time, it also shows how precious every moment is.

This journey is no longer just about passing an exam. It’s about understanding the depth of life’s struggles and learning to carry my own purpose through all of it.

[caffinatedmind-blog]

Let's assume I secure this bank clerk job—what’s next? Is that the ultimate goal? Of course, I’d marry Rohan, and we’d start a family. But then what? Would the rest of my life be spent bringing up kids, fulfilling daily responsibilities, and checking off societal expectations? That doesn’t align with the life I’ve always envisioned for myself.

I want something deeper, something more profound than a routine existence. It’s not about traveling to new places for temporary thrills or fleeting pleasures—those things don’t truly fulfill me. I want to feel life, to experience it in a way that ignites my soul.

I yearn to know more—about the world, about myself, and about what it means to live meaningfully. It’s not just about accomplishing milestones or conforming to a predetermined path. I want to explore, to grow, and to connect with life on a deeper level. I want to wake up each day with purpose and a sense of fulfillment that goes beyond material success or societal approval.

Marriage, family, and stability are important, but they can’t be my whole story. I want my life to be a tapestry of passion, exploration, and learning. I want to leave a mark, not in a grand, world-changing way, but in a way that feels authentic to me. Maybe it’s through helping others, expressing my creativity, or diving into something I truly love.

I don’t want to look back and feel like I let life pass me by, consumed by responsibilities and routines. I want to embrace it, feel its highs and lows, and find meaning in every moment. Life is a gift, and I want to honor it by truly living—not just existing.

This isn’t about rejecting the idea of stability or family, but about finding a way to balance those aspects with my inner desire for growth and discovery. I want to live a life where I can look back and say, I truly lived.

[caffinatedmind-blog]

"The journey from 16 to 24 has been life-changing. I’m grateful for how much I’ve grown—waking at 5:30 AM, cold showers, finding career clarity, and learning patience through long-distance relationships. I’ve grown physically, spiritually, and in knowledge. As I near 24, I’m celebrating not just milestones but the journey itself. Discipline and gratitude have built a strong foundation for an even brighter future. Every challenge and lesson has been worth it."

[caffinatedmind-blog]

"From University to Competitive Exams: A Journey of Self-Discovery and Purpose"

During my second semester at university, while writing my internal exams, I had a moment of clarity. After completing my answers, I realized, “I am way better than this.” I didn’t want to continue with my master’s degree because I absolutely hated the university—the infrastructure was poor, the professors were unimpressive, and the cultural diversity among the students didn’t resonate with me. I found myself disinterested and detached.

That’s when I decided to leave university and focus on preparing for competitive exams instead. The idea excited me because these exams offer the opportunity to study dynamic and practical subjects like history, geography, and mathematics. They also provide a gateway to understanding how the real world operates, something I found far more meaningful than the theoretical framework of university education.

Initially, I studied casually, thinking, “I’m young, and I know I’ll eventually get a job.” I wasn’t targeting any specific goal; I was simply going through the motions. But after six months, something shifted within me. I realized that I didn’t just want to passively achieve a job—I wanted to rigorously prepare, challenge myself, and experience the entire process of competitive exams, including the thrill of interviews and the satisfaction of earning an officer’s role.

This realization ignited a new passion in me to embrace disciplined learning and aim higher. It’s not just about the job anymore—it’s about the journey and the growth it brings.

[caffinatedmind-blog]

After three months of waiting, countless thoughts raced through my mind as I prepared to meet him again. I felt a mix of confusion and fear, unsure of how I would react when I will see him.

But the moment he appeared, dressed in white, he looked like an angel. A wave of serenity washed over me, and it felt as though my soul was finally at peace.

[caffinatedmind-blog]

Rohan

I feel so deeply grateful for this life. Every time I look at Rohan, it feels like I'm witnessing eternal beauty. It's as if God took His time crafting him, making him solely for me. His small eyes, wavy hair, fuller lips, cute cheeks, long throat, soft belly, long hands, and veiny arms—all of him feels like pure bliss to me.

Every part of him—his mind, body, and soul—mesmerizes me. I long to unite with his essence, to merge with his calmness, his peace, and his thoughts. I feel so incredibly blessed to have him in my life. ❤️

[caffinatedmind-blog]

Faustian Bargains in Everyday Life: A Personal Reflection

Life often presents us with choices, and in our rush to achieve or fulfill immediate desires, we sometimes make compromises that affect our long-term well-being or integrity. Reflecting on my own life, I realize how easy it is to slip into these Faustian bargains—small, seemingly harmless decisions that trade long-term happiness for short-term gains.

Here are some everyday scenarios where such trade-offs often happen:

1. Compromising Health for Convenience

I’ve caught myself opting for quick fixes like fast food when I was too tired to cook, only to regret it later when I felt sluggish or unhealthy. Skipping workouts in favor of extra screen time is another example I can relate to—it feels good in the moment but takes a toll on my fitness goals.

2. Trading Time for Money

There have been times I focused so much on studies or work that I ignored spending quality moments with loved ones. The satisfaction of achieving something came at the cost of emotional connection, leaving me questioning if the trade-off was truly worth it.

3. Compromising Ethics for Success

When faced with academic pressure, I remember being tempted to take shortcuts during exams or assignments. While it felt like a quick solution, deep down, I knew it compromised my learning and values.

4. Sacrificing Relationships for Ambition

At times, I’ve been so engrossed in my goals that I unintentionally neglected those who matter the most to me. Their understanding and patience have been a blessing, but it’s a reminder to balance ambition with emotional bonds.

5. Ignoring Environmental Impact

I’ve used plastic bags or purchased cheap, fast fashion items knowing they harm the planet. It felt easier in the moment, but each choice added to a growing guilt about my role in environmental degradation.

6. Overindulgence in Digital Media

There are days when I scroll endlessly through social media or binge-watch shows, sacrificing valuable time that could have been spent reading, writing, or even meditating—activities that bring me true joy and peace.

7. Cheating Shortcuts

In the past, I’ve rushed through tasks or found shortcuts to meet deadlines, knowing it wasn’t my best effort. While the immediate satisfaction of completion was there, it left me with a lingering feeling of underachievement.

Learning to Choose Wisely

These moments remind me of the importance of self-awareness and intention. It’s natural to want immediate rewards, but I’m learning to pause and ask: Is this worth sacrificing my values, health, or relationships for?

Life is about balance, and while perfection isn’t possible, striving to make conscious, thoughtful choices helps me stay aligned with what truly matters. By sharing this, I hope you’ll reflect on your own moments of Faustian bargains and find ways to prioritize long-term happiness over fleeting satisfaction.

[caffinatedmind-blog]

“You can't convince a believer of anything; for their belief is not based on evidence, it's based on a deep seated need to believe.” ~Carl Sagan

[caffinatedmind-blog]

Discovering the Joy of Cooking: A Bengali Kitchen Journey

Hello everyone!

If you’re stepping into the world of cooking for the first time, this space is for you. Being a Bengali Indian, I’ll be sharing recipes rooted in Bengali cuisine—filled with aromatic spices and less sweetness, perfect for those who want to explore something new.

Cooking wasn’t always my thing. In fact, until I was 21, I didn’t even know how to light an oven! It’s not an exaggeration—I had a traumatic experience with fire as a child, which made me fearful of cooking. But here I am today, absolutely loving it.

No one officially taught me how to cook. I figured it all out on my own through trial, error, and a lot of determination. That’s why the recipes I share might not be traditional or what you’re used to. They’re unique to my experiences and experiments.

Cooking is more than just a skill—it’s an emotion. Even with the same ingredients, two people can create dishes that taste entirely different. It’s all about the balance: the right amount of spices, the perfect cooking time, and your personal touch.

To all the girls and boys who might feel like they’re clueless in the kitchen: trust me, I’ve been there. The burnt rice, the over-salted curries, the panic when something’s undercooked—I’ve done it all. But every mistake has taught me something new, and those lessons have become a part of my recipes.

“Perfect” means something different to everyone, and that’s what makes cooking so special. It’s not about achieving perfection; it’s about discovering what works for you. So, let’s explore this wonderful world of flavors and creativity together. Whether you’re a beginner or a curious foodie, I hope my journey inspires yours.

Let’s get started—one dish at a time!

[caffinatedmind-blog]

A very powerful message

[caffinatedmind-blog]

Connection is not a feeling.

With some of the responses I've been getting on my post about connecting with nature, I realized I needed to write about this.

Folks have got to understand that connection is not a feeling. "I feel such a deep connection with-" nope, that's not connection you're feeling; that's fascination.

Whether it's nature, or a culture, or anything at all, connection isn't transcendent. It's something you build with actual physical effort. It's a relationship.

Let's say there's a stray cat outside, and I want to have a connection with it. So I go inside my house and meditate on the cat, visualizing myself sending out rays of love to the cat. I look at pictures of cats on the Internet. I collect cat memorabilia and pray to cat goddesses. But when I go outside and try to pet the stray cat, it runs away.

This is because I never built a genuine connection, or relationship, with this cat. I'm a parasocial admirer, at best. To the cat, I'm a weird stranger.

But let's say I put cat food outside, and I stay out there while the cat eats, and slowly get closer to the cat as it becomes more comfortable with my presence. Finally, I give the cat light touches, and it gradually learns that I am safe. And we become friends.

Now I have a connection with the cat, because we have a relationship. I feed the cat, the cat eats my food, and we're in each others' social networks.

"But what if I can't build relationships like this?"

It's okay if this is impossible for you right now. You're not going to be a Bad Pagan or a Bad Witch because you can't do something that is literally impossible at the moment.

But, if a connection is something you want to have, at some point? Get studying. You want a connection with nature at some point? Okay, then start studying ecology. Learn about the rain cycle. Learn about environmental damage. Find materials about the plants and animals in your area.

What about a culture? Okay, go learn about its history, go learn what kinds of problems its people are currently facing, and work on perceiving them as real, complex people instead of whatever stereotype you have in your mind right now.

And above all, remember: that's not a mystical connection you're feeling, that's fascination.

[caffinatedmind-blog]

My perfect Date

When we finally get up, I’ll make us steaming hot coffee and prepare your favorite breakfast—maybe a chicken or egg wrap, seasoned just the way you like it. We’ll sit together, cozy in our little world, the rain tapping softly against the windows. Afterward, we’ll curl up on the couch, sharing a blanket, watching movies that make us laugh or cry, feeling each other’s presence without needing to speak.

As I drift off for an afternoon nap, you’ll pick up your controller, indulging in your favorite video games, and every now and then, I’ll hear you mutter something, which will make me smile even in my half-asleep state. When I wake up, I’ll head to the kitchen to cook a light lunch—something simple but filled with love—and we’ll eat together, enjoying the stillness of the day.

Later, as the rain slows, we’ll carry our tea and snacks to the terrace and watch the sun dip below the horizon, the cool winter air brushing against our skin. You’ll hold my hand as we savor the moment, the world around us soft and quiet.

When the sun is gone, we’ll slip into our jackets and go for a brisk walk, letting the fresh air fill our lungs and the streetlights guide us. Finally, we’ll return home, share a delicious dinner, and let the evening take us where it naturally leads—wrapped in passion, love, and a connection that feels timeless.

This is my dream day with you, a day where nothing else matters but us, creating memories in our little cocoon of warmth and love.